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To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

(129 Posts)
marillionfan Sun 29-Sep-19 13:46:55

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

Itallt0omuch Sun 29-Sep-19 13:48:58

He's certainly trying to cheat.

Celebelly Sun 29-Sep-19 13:49:25

Yes, this would be a hard no from me. Tbh the first thing he did, contacting her and trying to meet her, was bad enough and he'd have been out, but to then continue to send her messages about her appearance is unacceptable.

Is she even welcoming his attentions? Or is he just sending her creepy messages? Would he accept you sending messages to other men saying they are attractive and trying to meet them?!

TheMustressMhor Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:25

It doesn't sound like he understands what cheating is.

It also doesn't sound like you have a "perfectly fine" marriage, either.

Bouffalant Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:24

He's trying to cheat.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:27

That is in no way acceptable behaviour and it seems like he's actively trying to cheat.

avocadoincident Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:25

I definitely see this as a betrayal.

What does he say he's doing it for?

It's tricky to know if you should end the marriage over it at this point but for me the trust would be gone and I'd be suspicious forever which would make me ill.

What's your gut instinct?

8stoneloser Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:40

Who has he been complimenting and meeting for coffee between then and now? He would have been gone the first time.

PriscillaTheHun Sun 29-Sep-19 13:50:57

God. What a sleaze.

Fookinwot Sun 29-Sep-19 13:51:03

He has no respect for you

marillionfan Sun 29-Sep-19 13:52:41

I doubt he would accept me doing it - we both have friends of the opposite sex and there are no issues about it, though I can’t picture what would happen if I did the same thing.

She responded to his original messages 2 years ago in a friendly and chatty way, and seemed keen to meet, but nothing materialised likely due to work/family issues (she lives about 20 miles away).

On this recent occasion, her response was pleasant but short, and didn’t give me the impression she was interested in him.

NoDontLookAtMeImShy Sun 29-Sep-19 13:52:49

He wants to cheat.

If he hasn't already then he will by the sounds of it.

Grambler Sun 29-Sep-19 13:53:13

So the only time he's ever done this, you found out right away?
And then the very first time he did it again, you found out again right away?

Either you've been very lucky or there's more you don't know about.

marillionfan Sun 29-Sep-19 13:54:35

I’m also wondering seeing what has happened in the meantime with others tbh sad

My gut instinct tells me he wants to enjoy a flirtation without an actual physical affair. I’ve lost all respect I had for him tbh and although we could carry on, I do feel ill thinking about it.

Drogosnextwife Sun 29-Sep-19 13:55:46

So he would be absolutely fine with you sending messages like this to another man, yes? I would give it a go and see how he feels about it. Or get rid of his sleezy arse.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre Sun 29-Sep-19 13:58:31

It's sneakily suspicious that the only 2 times in his life that he has messaged or tried to arrange to meet another woman you have caught him.

It's not the only 2 times, BTW.

GreySheep Sun 29-Sep-19 13:59:01

Ugh. Actively trying to cheat and seeking out other women. Deal breaker for me. He’d be gone.

MyGhastIsFlabbered Sun 29-Sep-19 14:01:17

He's trying to cheat certainly. Him getting back in contact with her after you said not to would be a dealbreaker - not so much for the contact itself but the lack of respect for you.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort Sun 29-Sep-19 14:02:12

What a creep.
Not cheating but only because he didn't get the opportunity to.
I'd feel just as betrayed given the only reason it didn't happen was because the woman wasn't available.

Topseyt Sun 29-Sep-19 14:03:24

In his mind, he is actually cheating even though he won't openly admit it.

So yes, it is cheating and I would be tempted to dump him. He promised before that it wouldn't happen again and had been found wanting. How can you trust him again?

Straycatstrut Sun 29-Sep-19 14:04:00

Most men wouldn't stop at the flirting if more was on the cards with a "stunning" woman they were chasing.

He doesn't want to just be friends because otherwise he wouldn't be secretly trying to flirt with her behind your back.

I'd walk out and stay somewhere else to make it damn clear you're not going to stick around and wait to be cheated on.

He either blocks, deletes her and works on your marriage or you seperate and he goes off chasing other women if that's what he wants.

KM99 Sun 29-Sep-19 14:06:46

Did she ever respond to any of these messages? It's sleazy enough he did it in the first place, but then to do it again.

He's looking for an opportunity to cheat. He may have done it already with other women. You deserve a lot better than that.

Singlenotsingle Sun 29-Sep-19 14:06:57

He's making a fool of himself. Mid life crisis? Tell him he's a silly old fool!

TatianaLarina Sun 29-Sep-19 14:07:38

Trying to cheat and failing.

GingersAreLush Sun 29-Sep-19 14:09:32

He’s definitely trying to cheat with her. I would wonder if he’s trying to/has actually cheated with others. I think even if he was to cut her out (doesn’t seem like he would anyway) he will simply move onto someone else.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who is untrustworthy.

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