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AIBU?

DP’s stonewalling is destroying me

410 replies

LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken · 26/09/2019 09:07

(Apologies for posting this in AIBU, it gets the most traffic and I’m desperate to speak to someone about this)

Hi,

I’m looking for advice from any of you who have experienced stonewalling in your relationships/marriages, and whether or not you can tell me that there’s some miraculous light at the end of the tunnel for this ‘behaviour’ to correct or reverse itself.

Currently on day 3 of not speaking to DP since he stonewalled me during what should have been an easy going, simple, honest and open conversation on Monday night. What we spoke about isn’t relevant, as he’ll stonewall me over literally anything remotely serious or important, or about us, or about me being upset, angry or annoyed over something.

I opened the conversation as placidly and nicely as possible. It really should have been something that was over and done with and dealt with within 5 minutes, but classic DP reverted to his usual tactics of shutting down, ignoring me, not even looking at me, just staring at his phone and channel flicking and not saying a word in response, acting as though as I wasn't even in the room with him, although he could blatantly hear me becoming more upset thanks to him blanking me. As a result of him doing this (and this happens every time he treats me this way), I grow more irate and start to lose my temper as I fight to be heard and understood, and battle for his attention, so although I start conversations by treading on eggshells and speaking as gingerly as possible, I end up losing sight of the original problem as his stonewalling takes a hold of me and I become incredibly pissed off.

I woke up on Tuesday morning, following nothing been resolved or put to bed, and sent him a message about it. A tactic he claims he finds easier to deal with, though he doesn’t respond to my messages either, and doesn’t bring it up when he gets home, so it’s just another way of him avoiding me and the issues at hand.

I basically reiterated the original issue, and once again, for the thousandth time, told him that the way he treats me during discussions isn’t ok. He ignored my message, came home, nothing was said about it, we spent Tuesday evening in silence and he got up and went to work yesterday, came home, and again, nothing said. I ended up going to him last night and asking him if he was planning on apologising to me and explaining himself, to which he just shook his head, all whilst not looking at me. I asked him if his respect for me is that low, that he truly thinks ignoring me is acceptable, and he told me to ‘leave him alone’ as he was going to bed soon. He’s gone to work this morning without saying goodbye, and I suspect this evening will be a repeat of the last two nights.

DP went for counselling regarding his awful communication problems last year. It was via the NHS therapy for you services, so only a 6 course session, but he claimed it gave him some tools to help him open up, see things from my perspective and not shut down, though evidently it didn’t do a damn thing, as we’re still stuck in the same rut of him ignoring me, the avoidance, belittling me and him manipulating conversations simply by saying nothing at all.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve been together for 5 years, and for the first few years, I tried so hard to understand that ‘serious’ conversations must just be difficult for him. So as such, I’ve tried all kinds of different avenues to speak to him. I’ve tried the quiet and gentle approach, I’ve tried having screaming matches, I’ve tried writing letters, leaving them for him then taking myself out so he can read about the issue in peace then discuss it calmly when I returned, I’ve tried sending messages while he was at work so he can read them on the train journey home then talk about it later that evening, I’ve tried telling him to go for a walk mid conversation to get some air, then we’ll speak in half an hour, I’ve tried giving him days until I’ve brought it up again. Nothing works. It’s like as long I never voice my opinions, express any concerns, never talk about anything of any importance, then things are completely fine between us. But the moment I try and open up, I’m instantly shut down and it’s breaking my heart because I don’t know what else I can do, or for how much longer I can expect him to act this way before he wakes up and realises that this isn’t how a responsible, respectful, loving partner should be treating their spouse.

I don’t know if it’s emotional abuse, but I do know that I feel so disrespected, unheard, like my thoughts, opinions, doubts or concerns hold no importance to him, I just feel like I’m not being taken seriously, and frankly like I’m a piece of shit on the bottom of his shoe.

Apart from the stonewalling, he’s generally a good person, and I think that’s why I’ve stuck around so long. But I feel as though I’m reaching my breaking point and that his shitty communication issues are starting to impact my mental health because nothing is ever resolved, and the 1% of times that things are resolved, it's entirely on his terms.

Do chronic stonewallers ever change? Or is it something that’s so deep rooted that they physically can’t change their ways, even if they wanted to?

OP posts:
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Rainbowqueeen · 26/09/2019 09:11

Yes it’s emotional abuse and it will ruin how you feel about yourself and any love you feel for him

Moving on will be hard at first but it’s the best thing for you It sounds like all the effort in changing things is coming from you. Even though it’s not your problem. That’s not right.

Be brave. End it. Grieve for a while and think hard about setting boundaries of what is acceptable in a relationship. Good luck

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Totalwasteofpaper · 26/09/2019 09:13

Great news - he is a DP not DH and from what I see you have no kids

Leave his stupid stoney ass and never look back.

Honestly this kind of thing is soul destroying get out now...

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FrenchBoule · 26/09/2019 09:15

I’d move it to Relationships.You’ll sadly find lots of threads about stonewalling

Stonewalling is emotional abuse. Good people don’t treat their nearest and dearest this way.

How long is it going to last OP? When does he think you’ve “earned “ a right to be spoken to again?

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AnxietyForever · 26/09/2019 09:16

It's a typical tactic used by abusers to control you, next time you will think before you speak to him about anything.

Get out ASAP.

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mbosnz · 26/09/2019 09:16

I have to say I totally agree with Totalwasteofpaper.

Life is too short, and you are worth so much more.

LTB and get yourself a grown-up. All he is taking from this is he can treat you this way, and still you will stick around, waiting for him to miraculously change.

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Pitterpatterpettysteps · 26/09/2019 09:18

Honestly this kind of thing is soul destroying get out now...

This

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CoraPirbright · 26/09/2019 09:18

That sounds incredibly stressful. How on earth can anything ever be resolved or anything decided on? I am guessing that normal everyday stuff is ok but what about the big decisions in life? Shall we have children? When? Where will we live/shall we move house etc. I cant see how such a relationship works. Has he always been like this? I would seriously consider walking away. This is not how adults usually work.

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LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken · 26/09/2019 09:18

If he had it his way, 'normal' conversation would have resumed when he came home from work Tuesday evening. After a stonewalling episode, he'll go straight to bed to entirely shut the conversation down, then head off to work the following day, come home and expects everything to be fine. Despite him having not apologised (if an apology was necessary) or nothing been worked through. He wants everything swept under the carpet and if I dare bring it up again the following day, then it's me 'dragging it out', 'not leaving it', I should 'leave him alone' or 'drop it'.

OP posts:
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HotSauceCommittee · 26/09/2019 09:19

This relationship isn’t making you happy. What’s the point? You’ve given five years of your life to this and he is still the same. I’d say it’s time to cut your losses and move on; make yourself happy.

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SerenDippitty · 26/09/2019 09:20

This is no way to live. Leave.

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CookieWarbler · 26/09/2019 09:20

It really shouldn't be this hard. You've only been together 5 years and yet you say you've been dealing with it for 'years' - i.e. he's always been like this.

It's not you, it's him and it's not down to you to find ever nicey nicey ways of getting him to engage. You've obviously spent a long time trying to sort this out and he's even had counselling. He isn't going to change, he doesn't respect you by treating you in this way.

Now, ask yourself - do you want to spend your one and only precious life feeling like this? You're worth more, get yourself out.
Good luck Flowers

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ichifanny · 26/09/2019 09:21

It is emotional abuse I just can’t ever manage being able to ignore someone who is getting upset in front of me it’s almost sadistic . From what you say there are no kids involved I’d pack bags and go . Disgusting abisive behaviour that will only escalate when any pressures of life are put on him .

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CrotchetyQuaver · 26/09/2019 09:21

I think you've tried everything you can to make it better, he even went to some counselling for it. However he's now back to his old ways and doesn't care about how you fell. Honestly, I think you're wasting your time here and should face that and leave him. This is no way to live and it's only going to get worse and end up destroying you. Sorry.

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Crazzzycat · 26/09/2019 09:22

I may be overly sensitive to this, as I grew up with a dad who would do this for months on end, but in my view this is emotional abuse of the worst kind. It is completely and utterly soul destroying. It’s some kind of crazy power-play and I don’t think that people who do this ever change.

You’ve already talked to him about it. You’ve given him a chance to change, which he hasn’t done anything with, so I don’t see what else you can do but draw a line under this relationship. You deserve so much better than this Flowers

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LetsSeeIfThisNameIsTaken · 26/09/2019 09:22

He's been this way for as long as I can remember, though it's definitely become progressively worse as the years have gone by.
When we first started dating, I noticed he wasn't particularly open with 'deep' conversations and he struggled, but I initially chalked that up to things being new between us, that once we'd built up some trust and got to know each other more, the communication would flow more easily. But it didn't. He now just shuts down immediately and point blank refuses to discuss anything, ever.

I'm always made to feel like I'm the one in the wrong just for wanting to talk to him, and it's so exhausting and upsetting.

OP posts:
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AnxietyForever · 26/09/2019 09:22

Exactly OP, he's controlling you! That is why he is doing it, to condition you to go along with what he wants/says otherwise you'll just get ignored for days on end.

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paintedfences · 26/09/2019 09:23

What an utterly childish, manipulative way to be to the person you supposedly love. Ditch him, tell him why, stonewall the fuck out of him when he tries to manipulate you into getting back with him. Leave. Seriously, you can have a nice life with someone lovely instead! O

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FrenchBoule · 26/09/2019 09:23

So it’s shut up and put up followed by my way or the highway. Highway sounds much better.
Decision is yours OP but it’s not way to live a happy life with your not so dear partner.
Cut your losses.

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MoodyBitch · 26/09/2019 09:24

Are you the family dog who has been put In the kennel for chewing his slippers OP? No?
He sounds like an immature arse, whose arse quite frankly should be kicked to the kerb.
Is your self-esteem really so low that you're prepared to put up with being treated like the aforementioned family dog?
If he had a shred of respect for you then he wouldn't treat you in such a childish manner.
For the sake of your own self respect, either give him the boot up the arse that he needs or kick his arse to the kerb.
Don't give him the satisfaction of laughing at you.

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WhoKnewBeefStew · 26/09/2019 09:25

Yes it's emotional abuse. My, now ex, used to do this. After 10 years of it, I finally decided to leave, I left the house and he was distraught. Couldn't be more apologetic, sorted councillimg for himself promised he'd sort it, he'd never do it again blah blah blah. I believed him, and went back. Within two weeks he was at it again, over something really silly. I gave him two days to stop it, but he didn't, so I left for good. For me there was no light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently he's like this still with his current partner. Some people just simply can't stop it.

I'm now married to someone who can communicate and tbh, it's a fucking revelation!

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Throckmorton · 26/09/2019 09:25

Life is too sodding short to be treated like this. People can find deep conversations tricky without turning into abusive arseholes - your DP IS choosing to be abusive.

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MashedSpud · 26/09/2019 09:27

End it. He’s a shit partner and would be a shit dad.

Or stay with someone who acts like a child and lose who you are in order to keep his life running smoothly.

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ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 26/09/2019 09:28

Who owns/rents where you live? What would happen if you just packed up his stuff while he was at work?

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OkayGo · 26/09/2019 09:30

Run like the wind op!! It’s honestly not worth the effort.

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IdblowJonSnow · 26/09/2019 09:31

If he's had counselling already and hasn't changed there is no hope here OP.
This is a form of emotional abuse. Life is too short. Though if he sees you're serious about splitting up he may miraculously 'change'.

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