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My DD's first boyfriend is transgender and I feel weird about it.

(1000 Posts)
Milicentbystander72 Tue 24-Sep-19 08:25:25

I've always been a very liberal minded person. Supported gay rights all my life. My best friend and DN are gay. I support the rights of Trans people to live their life etc.

My dd15 has a nice group of friends (boys and girls). In that group is a Trans teen (Female to Male). He changed his name in Y8, He's totally accepted as Male at school. There are no issues. He looks completely Male and people who don't know him would never think that he'd been born female. He's a nice boy who is well liked. All good.

Except last night my DD told me she's going out with him. I've surprised myself that this has unnerved me.

My dd hasn't had a BF before. She's only ever snogged one boy before at a party. She says she's 100% straight. She says she fancies the cool older boys in Sixth Form. Has teenage celebrity crushes on boys like Tom Holland etc. So how does this work for her?

Last night I told her all was fine and just to be careful they didn't damage a friendship if they broke up etc, but I didn't make a big deal of it.

Would you find this weird if your dc said they were straight? Please be honest. I'm kind of hoping it fizzles out without any drama.

NoSquirrels Tue 24-Sep-19 08:30:04

Yes, it would probably make me feel odd.

I would try to view it as teenage experimentation. Sexuality is quite fluid for a lot of teens.

At the end of the day they’re two teenage people exploring their feelings. The labels don’t matter - although of course I wouldn’t say this to either of them. I’d try really hard not to get into any sort of conversation where I needed to affirm any label (straight/male etc).

OwlBeThere Tue 24-Sep-19 08:31:11

The same happened with my daughter. It was fine, they’ve since broken up but are still friends. She is now seeing someone else. It’s been no different to any other teen relationship.
To her, she didn’t and doesn’t see him as different to any of the other boys. She isn’t gay. It’s that uncomplicated to them. My advice is to not make it a thing and it won’t be one.

Butchyrestingface Tue 24-Sep-19 08:31:47

My first thought was, “at least he/she won’t get your daughter pregnant!”, which is probably not what you’re after.

I kind of feel you’re being a bit hypocritical (not necessarily a criticism as you can’t help your feelings). You refer to this person as a male and “he”, which suggests that you do believe it’s possible to change one’s sex/gender? I don’t

That being the case, how is your daughter dating this “boy” any different to her dating any other boy?

JorisBonson Tue 24-Sep-19 08:32:19

I think it's also a reflection on you that you've brought her up to be an inclusive, liberal minded girl smile

OrangeSwoosh Tue 24-Sep-19 08:32:59

Shes going out with him because she sees him as a boy rather than the girl that he used to be. I'd guess there's a lot of attraction to personality rather than just physicality, and as an existing friend she obviously knows and trusts him.

Personally I'd be congratulating myself on raising an accepting, open minded daughter rather than second guessing her sexuality

CassianAndor Tue 24-Sep-19 08:33:54

because a trans boy is female? <awaits deletion for stating biological and legal fact>

CoraPirbright Tue 24-Sep-19 08:33:58

I have had this exact scenario except that my dd used this time to also tell me that she is bi. I am not really sure if she is or it is just a cool thing to say. I can recall being that hormone-raging age and finding just about everything fanciable!! I am also (or so I thought) totally liberal on this front - I don’t really care who fancies whom as long as everyone is happy. But it really did throw me for a loop which I hated because I really thought that I was wrong in this ...but it was a gut reaction iyswim. I don’t really have any advice to give as the relationship just ran its course and my dd now has a boyfriend but I do sympathise.

RedSuitcase Tue 24-Sep-19 08:33:59

YANBU, I'd be uncomfortable too.

But then I don't think that a teenager is emotionally developed enough to make the decision to change gender. I'll get ripped apart for saying that of course.

milliefiori Tue 24-Sep-19 08:34:30

I imagine it's a super safe first boyfriend who can't even theoretically rape her or get her pregnant. And one who has insight into how it feels ot be a girl, so possibly more empathetic than some boys that age. Quite a good choice, maybe.

CassianAndor Tue 24-Sep-19 08:34:41

sorry, that was to Butch.

I don't think she sees him as a boy. I reckon she sees him as a 'safe' version of a boy.

BumbleBee1212 Tue 24-Sep-19 08:34:52

At least you don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant!

I’d be totally okay with this, if he’s a nice boy that’s what counts.

Booboostwo Tue 24-Sep-19 08:35:06

How this works for her is entirely up to her and her boyfriend just like any other kind of romantic relationship. Why would you be concerned with the details of her sex life? That strikes me as much weirder than anything else. As long as there is no abuse or coercion, none of it is any of your business.

RedSuitcase Tue 24-Sep-19 08:35:10

@cassianAndor

Exactly. Thank you.

OrchidInTheSun Tue 24-Sep-19 08:36:42

Yes I too think she sees him as a safe boy - not going to grab her hand and stick it on an erection or push her into PIV sex she doesn't want.

Butchyrestingface Tue 24-Sep-19 08:37:06

@CassianAndor

because a trans boy is female? <awaits deletion for stating biological and legal fact>

Your view. And also my view. Not sure, however, that it’s OP’s view.

RedSuitcase Tue 24-Sep-19 08:37:27

"Why would you be concerned with the details of her sex life? That strikes me as much weirder than anything else"

@Booboostwo Are you being serious?? Of course she's concerned about her UNDER AGE daughters sex life

NearlyGranny Tue 24-Sep-19 08:38:26

Make him welcome as you would any other boy she went out with. Do as much research as you can on what transgender life is like for youngsters. Be there ready to listen to her and help her find answers to questions if she asks you.

Yeah, pretty much what you'd do if he'd started life male, really, except the contraception talk, but I expect you've had that already anyway.

Do you know his parents at all? They'll be just as concerned for him, perhaps more so, so maybe touch base to say something nice about their sin after you've met him?

ShitFuckBastardBollocks Tue 24-Sep-19 08:39:02

I would be sitting her down and explaining that if she was dating a female with a vagina she is not 100% straight at all.

Scarlett555 Tue 24-Sep-19 08:39:11

As long as he is kind and respectful to her then what's the problem?

There is obviously a mutual attraction and it doesn't mean your daughter has to worry about labelling herself a certain way.

I know a woman who is married to a trans man and they have 4 kids together (conceived with a donor) and she considers herself to be straight.

AmIThough Tue 24-Sep-19 08:39:24

I don't think she sees him as a boy. I reckon she sees him as a 'safe' version of a boy.

I doubt she's even thought about that. She knows him as a boy and fancies him as a boy. She's only ever kissed one other person so she almost definitely hasn't consciously gone 'if I make him my boyfriend I won't get pregnant when we get to that stage'.

OP I understand why you feel the way you do, I think I'd feel the same.
You should be proud of the accepting person your daughter is too though!

BumbleBee1212 Tue 24-Sep-19 08:39:50

I would be sitting her down and explaining that if she was dating a female with a vagina she is not 100% straight at all.

Perfect example here of how not to parent!

Butchyrestingface Tue 24-Sep-19 08:40:08

Why would you be concerned with the details of her sex life? That strikes me as much weirder than anything else

Where did OP say anything about her “sex life”?

DefinitelyNOTamum Tue 24-Sep-19 08:40:47

Wow by the looks of it all the transphobes just JUMPED at the sight of this post.

CassianAndor Tue 24-Sep-19 08:41:51

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