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Pil visit to town son is student at

(145 Posts)
22dontforget Sun 22-Sep-19 21:27:35

My son has been at uni for one week. He's not hugely confident but seems to have been making an effort to spend time with flat mates and talk to people on his course. Obviously weekends are hard to begin with because you don't have close friends yet, the days are long. I know this because he's our 4th child so we've been through it before. His flat mates while great fun at night are sleeping until 2pm and he's up at 9 so lonely. His grandparents are visiting his uni town next week with their grandson , my dn, It's a treat for Dn (10) to visit an army museum. When I heard I said great you can see ds, they seemed surprised. This town is 200 from me and 100 from then so no one is able to drop in on ds regularly. They have now told ds they'll drop in at 4pm on their way home. I'm really hurt they didn't think ds might like an invite to join them or lunch etc seems like he'll sit in his room on his second Sunday away from home until they call in to tell him about their day out 10 mins down the road. Knowing pil I'm pretty sure they just don't want to pay for him, meanwhile dn gets a day out . It just feels mean to be so near with another grandchild and only offer a quick drop in. They have no plans to go and visit ds any other time.

Mammylamb Sun 22-Sep-19 21:39:28

Do you really think he’d want to hang out all day with a ten year old and his grandparents ?

BarbariansMum Sun 22-Sep-19 21:41:24

I thought your AIBU would be the opposite- AIBU to think they should wait for him to settle in before gate crashing? And I was going to agree with you!

22dontforget Sun 22-Sep-19 21:41:30

No, I think he'd like to meet them for a couple of hours and have lunch with them. Much better than sitting in a student room all Sunday.

Cucumbersalad Sun 22-Sep-19 21:43:49

Ah the poor lad. Could you outright ask your ILs, they might assume he is busy. Let them know he is a bit lonely/ would enjoy the company? Say he'll pay his own way if they are anxious about money?

22dontforget Sun 22-Sep-19 21:44:35

Fair enough, seems I'm not seeing it right. Just seems hard to know family are having a day out so near when he has no other plans and they didn't invite him to join. Surely you'd say " obviously you're welcome to join us, but we understand if you don't want to."

ScarlettDarling Sun 22-Sep-19 21:45:08

Why don't you just suggest that ds might join them at the museum and see what they say? I'm sure they were just surprised because they didnt want to intrude on him so soon in the year.

Namechangeforthiscancershit Sun 22-Sep-19 21:46:03

God, I'd have been the absolute opposite! I'd have seen the grandparents because I had to but I'd have been super relieved if I wasn't invited to the museum! grin

GetUpAgain Sun 22-Sep-19 21:48:59

I also thought you were going to say they were crowding him and risking him feeling homesick. I've had two (much younger than me) cousins at unis near me and always been conscious not to bother them! Tended to meet up once a year or so, and they knew I was nearby if they needed anything....

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 22-Sep-19 21:50:46

Just tell them he'd like to come and you'll give him money for tickets and lunch if they'd like.

thecatinthetwat Sun 22-Sep-19 21:51:09

They may not get it. Just ask them outright if you think it would be important to your ds.

Tilltheendoftheline Sun 22-Sep-19 21:51:10

To be fair they are treating DN to a day out. Saying 'actually we ate going to spend a few hours with your older cousin' is a bit shitty. Their day is already planned out with a purpose.

22dontforget Sun 22-Sep-19 21:51:38

It has been suggested to invite ds, that's when they came up with the drop in suggestion. I don't think any student wants his grandparents and dn coming to their flat 2 weeks in. He'd have much rather have met them out in town. they had planned the day before it was pointed out that's where ds so I think it genuinely didn't cross their mind and now they can't envisage the day including ds. I have thought of offering to pay ds ticket at museum but then I can't force it if they don't want him there. Just feel hurt on his behalf.

Tilltheendoftheline Sun 22-Sep-19 21:54:54

It's probably not a case of not wanting him there. They were probably looking forward to a day with just them and their DN. Most grandparents enjoy time with grandkids as individuals and groups.

Dn may be looking forward to a day with just his grandparents. Having your adult son there changes the dynamic.

EdtheBear Sun 22-Sep-19 21:55:40

I def thing they should have given him an invite. Let him make the decision.

PigletJohn Sun 22-Sep-19 22:01:36

They could take him a cake.

He's probably appreciate that more than as much as the visit.

Myimaginarycathasfleas Sun 22-Sep-19 22:02:52

This early in the term people will be starting to get to know each other and establish friendship groups. I'm not sure going out for the day with your PIL would help him with that. He'd be better off trying to mix, if he can.

Could you FaceTime if you think he's lonely?

Standingatthedoor Sun 22-Sep-19 22:04:19

Why does he need to sit in his room though? Why can't he explore the area/do some sport/go to the library/do his laundry?

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird Sun 22-Sep-19 22:04:23

If they don’t actually know that he’s lonely and struggling a bit then you are being a bit unreasonable. Most people would assume that the last thing most students would want at the end of freshers’ week is a visit from their grandparents and much younger sibling.

Mooncupblues Sun 22-Sep-19 22:06:25

Surely his grandparents thought that the last thing he’d want to do would be go to a museum with them in his first month of uni?

I understand you’re saying this isn’t the case but this is what most of us on the thread have assumed so not not of the question that they’d have thought the same.

saraclara Sun 22-Sep-19 22:15:41

I thought your AIBU would be the opposite- AIBU to think they should wait for him to settle in before gate crashing? And I was going to agree with you!

Me too! The last thing I'd do if my grandchild was two weeks into a new life at uni, would be to poke my nose in.

Durgasarrow Sun 22-Sep-19 22:17:55

It is so much better for your child to spend time with his fellow students right now. Even if he's avoiding them! He's got to get into the fray of university of life, and weekend time is prime real estate. The last thing he needs to do is tag along on a trip with a ten year old and his grandparents.

Bouffalant Sun 22-Sep-19 22:18:24

I thought this was going to be about him wanting to get out of seeing them!

Isn't that likely what they're thinking? That he won't want his new student weekends taken up with them cramping his style? I'd expect that they think they're doing the right thing to NOT request he sees them.

Duck90 Sun 22-Sep-19 22:20:36

I agree with others above. Normally new students would prefer to be hanging out with their peers.

Obviously your son is different in this situation , just stress that point with the GP. They probably didn’t want to tread on his new life.

justasking111 Sun 22-Sep-19 22:21:09

My third DS has just started uni. his older brother is going to visit him in a few weeks. Before that he said it would be too unsettling.

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