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To be frustrated by this every weekend

(210 Posts)
thepinkp Sun 22-Sep-19 14:27:54

H works Monday-Friday and doesn't see us much at all due to commute and working away a lot.. that's fine I'm the dutiful stay at home mum holding this sh*t together and putting the dinner on the table night after night. Come the weekend nothing really changes, I continue the mum role pretty much single handily and this is becoming something that's niggling me! Yesterday he went off to a site meeting that could only happen at the weekend and that took all day pretty much, came back mid afternoon we were already out and about having fun. Today much the same - in fact every weekend is the same if I'm totally honest. I'm sat here kids dressed waiting for him to stop sending work emails so we can get out the house .. it's gone 2pm! He's watched football, rugby and now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails' those fatal words. Kids want to be out doing something as do I..! If we attempt to leave without him it causes friction so we potter around waiting.. and waiting. Drives me nuts every weekend!! So AIBU to say put the laptop away and spend some time with us? Or just keep shut .. 😕

MuchBetterNow Sun 22-Sep-19 14:32:03

This was me about 15 years ago when dc were primary school age. I used to look forward to the weekend only for it to be as shit as the rest of the week.

One weekend I completely cracked and threatened to walk out and never come back if he didn't change his work/life balance. I really meant it and he realised I was at the end of my rope. Things got better after that.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Sun 22-Sep-19 14:32:29

I’d say you can send work emails once kids are in bed,

Weekend is family time, we don’t see you Monday to Friday and I’m sick of parenting in my own, during the week it’s understandable but absolutely not on for the weekend

Teddybear45 Sun 22-Sep-19 14:34:01

I think you should just ignore his winging and get on with the fun stuff. He clearly thinks catching up with non-urgent work and watching TV is more important than family time - why should he have any input?

Xenia Sun 22-Sep-19 14:34:09

I earned 10x my husband which definitely helps! No way would I havwe put up with what you do. At one point one of us had the children all day on Saturday and the other on Sunday which worked quite well - we both worked full time.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Sun 22-Sep-19 14:34:39

Well cause friction!
Don't go walking on eggshells for him.
Not sure why you agreed to/ have fallen into this set up. Shake things up.

TheMustressMhor Sun 22-Sep-19 14:36:04

He doesn't seem to understand how much you want him to be with you each weekend.

Not sure how you can make him understand though.

Sorry. That wasn't very helpful.

Expressedways Sun 22-Sep-19 14:36:54

His job is clearly important since it’s your only income. Whether the emails have to be sent at the weekend or they can wait until Monday is anyone’s guess. However, his work life balance sounds terrible, he’s opting to watch sport rather than spend his free time with his children, he expects everything to revolve around him and you understandably sound really resentful. Something definitely has to change so YANBU.

TheMustressMhor Sun 22-Sep-19 14:37:27

I know - turn off the Wi-Fi so that he has no internet connection and the telly won't work either.

formerbabe Sun 22-Sep-19 14:38:30

Playing devil's advocate...does he need to do work at the weekend? Is his work funding an incredible lifestyle? If so, then perhaps yabu.

If it's not necessary, then yanbu.

thepinkp Sun 22-Sep-19 14:39:42

Well I've made it clear.. be dressed and ready to go in 10 minutes or we are off without you!

I don't particularly care if he comes with us or not, I've spent that long on my own now with the kids I'm hardened to it. Sad but true

Cohle Sun 22-Sep-19 14:45:11

I'd have a conversation explaining, as you have here, that it can be frustrating and demoralising hanging around for him so could you both work together to plan your weekends better.

I think communicating better about what you both want/need to do over the weekend and scheduling things more clearly in advance would be helpful.

Johnjoeseph Sun 22-Sep-19 14:49:08

I have this issue OP. Same set up as yours. Work always seems to crop up in Saturday's and as he's self employed I can't dictate too much but I insisted on Sunday's being family days from 10:00am. Like a pp I cracked up one day and made it a non- negotiable. I had spent HOURS making a big Sunday roast with all the trimmings while trying to placate a whingy toddler and a baby. Just as I was about to serve everything up his phone rang and he said he was heading for out to look at a job. I burst into tears and basically threatened to leave. He knew I meant it as I hate cooking and I hate crying even more! It was a low point...

So now he works early on Sunday mornings but that's it. It seems a small thing but it's made a massive difference as we now know where we stand. I think you need to set a solid "rule" as telling him he needs to spend "more time" as a family is too vague and too easy for him to shirk. Good luck OP!

LimpidPools Sun 22-Sep-19 14:51:55

He's destroying your marriage. I think you need to say that to him very clearly.

FrauHaribo Sun 22-Sep-19 15:03:48

nd now chosen to sit in his office and 'send a couple of emails'

He hasn't chosen to do anything, he has a job and is earning a living.

You have a choice: find yourself a job, contribute 50% to the family finance and release the pressure of him earning 100%.

Or stop moaning, but be clearer with him: the kids need to be out by x time, and he's missing out on everything. You can't wait for him.

But don't pretend he's "choosing" his work - because realistically what's his choice? Say screw it, quit and go on the dole whilst he look for a lower paid 9 to 5, all weekends free?

Cherrysherbet Sun 22-Sep-19 15:04:01

My dh works all weekend, every weekend. He has to, so we can afford to live a decent life. That’s just how it is.

Tippety Sun 22-Sep-19 15:06:22

I'm the same, but of course you get the "I'm tired from work" (even though I work, and look after DC on my own all week as he is away Monday to Friday). It's teedious, boring, I would say to any of my friends to leave yet here I am.

thepinkp Sun 22-Sep-19 15:08:30

He runs his own company and works hard, I get that. But there's always time for golf, nice lunches etc. If he wasn't doing those things so much maybe he'd get work done in work time! I'm going try and talk to him once I'm a little calmer and suggest the Sunday rule

gostiwooz Sun 22-Sep-19 15:09:50

How old are the dc?

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 22-Sep-19 15:10:29

He is lacking work / life balance. Is he actively trying to avoid being part of the family? Emails unless there is a crisis can usually be sent in the evening. Dh took his work mobile on holiday for 2 decades and would often be on the phone / working weekends / on holiday. He changed companies and refused to do this again and his boss is fine with it. He gave his personal mobile for emergencies and wasn’t contacted. What is the culture like at your dhs work?

Mummyoflittledragon Sun 22-Sep-19 15:11:47

Cross post. Ah I see he’s his own boss. Needs to manage his time better by the sound of it if he has time to do all that.

Aridane Sun 22-Sep-19 15:11:48

Get out and about at weekend without DH. Or get a job and take some of the work strain off him.

I guess the nice lunches and golf are client-related rather than him going out with his mates?

FrauHaribo Sun 22-Sep-19 15:12:18

He runs his own company and works hard, I get that. But there's always time for golf, nice lunches etc.

private golf, lunches and so on, or business ones? Is he meeting friends or clients? Makes a HUGE difference.

Mrsfrumble Sun 22-Sep-19 15:12:30

How old are your children OP? Does he enjoy spending time with them? Does he realise how important his presence and attention are to them?

DH works long hours during the week and goes away for work, but fortunately he really values spending time as a family at weekends. Before we had children he was a bit of a workaholic, but then he was diagnosed with cancer right after DC1 was born. The treatment was successful, but I think having that scare at a relatively young age (33) changed his perspective on the importance of spending time with people he loves.

Anyway, that’s an angle you could approach your DH with if you confront him; however corny it sounds, time with his loved ones is precious and he won’t get it back. Good luck flowers

thepinkp Sun 22-Sep-19 15:12:49

@FrauHaribo I should add I have a job, work between 10-15 hours a week from home for a London corporate having earned my position after working 15 years full time before kids! I took a step back to look after them as I had the option to do so. I don't regret that at all and love being able to do the school runs and be there for them. H is a hard working man and I totally respect that but.. weekends a little give and take would be nice

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