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What do I do?

(63 Posts)
Gettingtoomuch1 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:08:22

Hi all,

This might be long winded so I apologise in advance but I want to give as much back story so I’m not drip feeding.

I have an amazing DH, DD(7) and DS(1). I went back to work about 4 months ago and a new guy, let’s call him Fred, was there. He’s ok, had a few troubles in his life etc but anyway we became friends.

He recently (a week ago) told me he has feelings for me. I told him I’m not available and I’m happy as I am etc. He then told me that if he becomes quiet then it means he’s struggling to understand that he can’t have what he wants. Which is me. So I told him I will give him some space.

He was in a relationship with a lovely woman (one of my closest friends knows her) and he told his GF that he doesn’t want to be with her anymore. She was devastated. (I didn’t know this had happened) after I told him I wasn’t available, they got back together.

Anyway, a few days ago, he was in one of his silent moods so I gave him his space. The next day he was telling the whole office I was a bitch and ignoring him when I wasn’t in the room (I’m middle management) I went off on my way to speak to a manager about a complaint and he stopped me when it was just me and him alone. He looked so angry saying “what are you fucking doing to me?? You DON’T ignore me. You respect how I feel” etc. I was so lost for words I told him that this is unprofessional and he needs to step away. His parting words were “this was the wrong thing to do to me” and walked off.

He then left for the day and took the next day off due to depression. I told my manager what has happened due to the fact it’s now affected work. He said I haven’t done anything wrong and has moved me to be next to him.

I have since found out that Fred has been trying to find out where I live. On our systems and asking other colleagues. Thankfully my address hasn’t been shared.

I told my best friend (who is also friends with Fred and his GF) that I am planning on logging this with HR as I’m scared. My friend then went ballistic saying that he is going through a hard time and I should respect that etc and now she isn’t talking to me.

What do I do??

My DH has been so lovely and so understanding. I feel so embarrassed by what he has done as a few members of my team have been asking what’s happened etc I haven’t said anything and played ignorance.

What would you do?

I have to see him Monday and worried about what will happen.

Travis1 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:13:15

Your friends a dick. Hard time our not this man has been abusive to you in work and behaved in a horrifically unprofessional manor. Definitely log with hr.

StealthPolarBear Sat 21-Sep-19 20:16:40

He's acting very strangely and your friend is wrong. Youre right to take it seriously

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Sat 21-Sep-19 20:17:06

Go to HR. This is not acceptable.

CSIblonde Sat 21-Sep-19 20:19:06

Your manager 'moved me to be next to him'. Is that a typo, as if not I'd be really worried. The 'wrong thing to do to me' to me, is is a threat, it implies he's planning retribution. You need to put in writing the previous stuff & then add the looking for your home address saying this concerns you deeply as he's escalating in hostility & you now have concerns re your personal safety . He's unhinged , for whatever reason. Ignore your 'friend' .

GoosetheCat Sat 21-Sep-19 20:19:41

Just because he's going through a hard time doesn't justify his behaviour toward you. Definitely log it with HR, especially that he has been trying to find your address! That's just shocking! Your friend is being a dick.

Candle1000 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:22:44

You poor thing, definitely tell HR , a grown man sulking because he can’t have what he wants ? He actually sounds dangerous, I hope HR take this seriously and handle it properly. I don’t want to scare you but I would be careful when leaving work, make sure he isn’t following you.

picklemepopcorn Sat 21-Sep-19 20:25:06

@CSI, I assumed that meant moved her next to the manager, for add3d protection.

Darbs76 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:28:32

This is worrying, yes it needs to be taken to HR. Sorry if your friend thinks it’s an over reaction but ask how she would feel. Do you leave work alone? I would take added precautions as this to me doesn’t sound right, he clearly needs some help and you need to protect yourself

Surfskatefamily Sat 21-Sep-19 20:32:23

I would feel scared too. Definitely tell hr so they can make sure youre address is not available to him.
If it escalates any further report to the police. Take it seriously. This man seems to have it in his head that you are his

Gettingtoomuch1 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:39:25

Thank you all.

I’m definitely going to hr. my ‘best friend’ has text me saying how irritating I am etc.

I guess I just needed advice especially after hearing what my friend had to say. I thought I was being dramatic.

tobedtoMNandfart Sat 21-Sep-19 20:44:48

I think you've been entirely appropriate thus far but he is clearly a fruit loop and you now need your employers support.

jelly79 Sat 21-Sep-19 20:58:48

You should definitely inform HR if you are feeling threatened or uncomfortable in work. There will be a variety of options to deal with it. None of them should be to ignore it like your boss.

LemonAddict Sat 21-Sep-19 21:02:49

As well as speaking to HR I think I’d have a chat with the police on a non-emergency number - not with the expectation or wanting them to actually do anything directly, but just to have something logged and get their advice.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Sat 21-Sep-19 21:03:59

Fred is unhinged and way out of line- I would feel very intimidated by the tone/unspoken threat and the trying to find out your address.

Definitely tell HR.

Your so-called best friend is a twat.

Howlovely Sat 21-Sep-19 21:05:45

Your friend is really out of order. Why is she defending this wanker when he has treated two of her friends so appallingly? Definitely take this further at work. He could turn nasty very quickly.

VaggieMight Sat 21-Sep-19 21:07:53

* moved me to be next to him* - did your boss really do this or is it a typo?

LemonAddict Sat 21-Sep-19 21:09:09

She means the boss moved her to be next to him - next to the boss.

Jupiters Sat 21-Sep-19 21:09:43

Your friend is being unreasonable, at least she's shown her true colours now.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig Sat 21-Sep-19 21:10:06

Your idiot friend sounds as self centred and entitled as Fred. Irritating? She needs to have harassment in the workplace explained to her. And then you can tell her to fuck off. She’s no friend. Twat.

Pringlesfortea Sat 21-Sep-19 21:11:07

Written complaint as high as possible,dont be on your own with this weirdo .i don’t think your friend ,actually is your friend .sorry x

Boom45 Sat 21-Sep-19 21:12:16

It's very good you've already told your manager because i wouldn't be surprised if your "friend" has told Fred you are planning to go to HR.
You've done absolutely nothing wrong, your friend is a dick

eladen Sat 21-Sep-19 21:13:05

He sounds like the classic abuser. Please be careful.

Sorry your friend turned out not to be a friend at the same time you're dealing with this.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule Sat 21-Sep-19 21:14:01

Your friend is no friend at all. I hate it when women are blamed for entitled men not getting what they want. I also hate it when people who don't get what they want cause massive shit-storms to cover up their cuntish behaviour when things don't go their way. Your DH is spot on in supporting you and while I understand why you feel embarrassed, you shouldn't. Fred is acting massively inappropriately.

Ignore your friend, what you need and deserve now is support.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall Sat 21-Sep-19 21:18:27

Ignore your friend, and do go to HR. If for no other reason than if his depression is what is causing this behaviour (which I doubt) then they have a full view of it and a duty of care to him and all the other staff.

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