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AIBU to think Mil is a very shallow women?

(65 Posts)
DreamBeaver Sat 21-Sep-19 15:08:46

My Mil is upset her daughter is dating a man who has 2 children from a previous marriage. She is always bringing it up. Saying things like "he is nice but there is no chance it can work out long term because he has children". And gleefully saying "she isn't mentioning him much so hopefully it will be over for them soon".
I know it's none of my business but AIBU to think my Mil is very shallow. She also hated another one of her daughters boyfriends because he was in her words "just a taxi driver".
Would it bother you if your son or daughter was dating someone with children?

Durgasarrow Mon 30-Sep-19 06:18:26

@Whyisshe . .. That's right, in your case, your future spouse would not be the third wheel. The child could conceivably look upon your new husband, if that's what you would have, as a new father. But if your child already had a father, then the stepfather, or, less convincingly, mother's boyfriend aka dp, would not have the same authority in the child's eyes. This boyfriend would always be in the awkward position of having responsibility without authority. Of being blamed for all the bad things and not appreciated for any of the good things. Of not being REAL and not having any official role. Of having no permanent standing in the child's life. That's what makes a DP or even a stepfather a third wheel. Unless they officially adopt the child as their own.

Whyisshedoingit Mon 30-Sep-19 00:38:19

@Durgasarrow There isn't always "already two parents" as in my case. I'm a totally single parent doing it totally alone. If I met someone they would NEVER be third wheel, how dare you?!

Poppyfields21 Sun 22-Sep-19 10:18:42

Op...
She talks alot behind people's back. She is very judgemental and quite shallow

Aren’t you doing exactly that right now with this post?!

Novembersbean Sun 22-Sep-19 10:11:31

I know my dad wishes my partner didn't have a kid, though he would never say it. I do find the whole situation a bit awkward tbh because people aren't sure whether to mention it to me because they're not sure if it's a positive part of my life. That's very telling of the fact that a lot of the time, it's not.

This thread has been quite refreshing to read in all honesty, because it's usually the step parent being vilified for not being thrilled about the situation but the reality is having kids does make you a less attractive partner with a whole host of complications and you ought to be mindful of that when approaching a new partner, rather than just considering them blessed to have the chance to deal with any of the crap that comes along with you bringing kids and an ever present ex to the table. It's a huge sacrifice for most people, not a privilege. People can be very arrogant about their treatment of anyone that has the slightest bit of reservation around their kids.

I think the MIL does sound an unpleasant person to be so open about hoping they break up, but her concern is very reasonable.

user1487194234 Sun 22-Sep-19 09:56:08

I want my DC to be happy and will support them whatever they do
But if I am honest I would prefer them not to end up with a partner who already had kids just because it adds complications
I always knew I was to selfish to bring up someone else 's kids

MaidenMotherCrone Sun 22-Sep-19 09:47:47

I hope none of my children end up raising someone else's children. They would not be my grandchildren. Im not shallow.

Nonnymum Sun 22-Sep-19 09:27:40

My main concern would be that my child was happy the relationship but I would be more concerned if the partner had children just because it adds complications. Children can be the greatest strain on a relationship even if both partners are the parents. So I would want y DC to know what they are getting into and to understand that the children must always come first.

theWarOnPeace Sun 22-Sep-19 09:23:08

All I hope for at any rate is that I’ve taught my children enough to make good decisions for themselves.

I have had a boyfriend with children, he was a super dad. Very responsible, took them out and invested in them emotionally, financially, and with his time and energy. Their mum was still a SAHM because he gave her enough money to do so. He was wealthy enough for money not to be an issue. There was never any question of me taking responsibility for those children. Never. Although that also meant that sadly I really didn’t bond with them, although maybe would have after more years down the line. In that circumstance, it wouldn’t bother me at all if I had a daughter dating a man with children.

I have another ex with a child. Mum not around really. He was useless and never had much money, gave her very little time or energy. I ended up taking on a parenting role of sorts, which looking back was really unacceptable on many levels. I have no regrets though. That child wouldn’t have been able to do half the things she did if I hadn’t paid/facilitated them. We still have a great relationship today though. The bond we have has not been altered by time, me marrying my DH, her dad bringing various new women around. Her dad is still a total cunt, but she’s old enough now to look after herself. If I saw my daughter in that situation I don’t think I’d be able to hold my tongue. Women shouldn’t be dragged into step mother roles so that the dad can doss about.

Each situation is different. Without tonnes of detail we can’t know if your MIL is being fair or not.

Lovetoread84 Sun 22-Sep-19 09:02:25

Just to add, my sister married a man who had 2 kids. The kids lived with them full time.
My parents never accepted the kids. They were perfectly pleasant with them, but they didn't feel anything for them. Didn't even buy them Xmas or birthday presents. They've been seperated for 8 years now so we've not ever seen those children again and my parents never mention them.
I have always felt sorry for those kids

Lovetoread84 Sun 22-Sep-19 09:00:04

For me personally I would like my son or daughter to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids because I would like them to enjoy each other first, maybe travel, go out lots etc, before their lives become complicated by having children.
But if my son or daughter were older and had already done alot in their lives, then it wouldn't bother me too much because it's highly likely that their new partner already has children.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 22-Sep-19 08:39:34

All these people not wanting a relationship with someone who has children. It is a wonder that divorcees or those that have lost a partner ever have a 2nd relationship if they already have children.

Rachelover60 Sat 21-Sep-19 17:47:31

Though I would prefer a daughter of mine not to be involved with someone who had children, it would be preferable to him being a taxi driver :-).

Metempsychosis Sat 21-Sep-19 17:42:03

I wouldn’t want my DD to get seriously involved with a man with children while she was a young woman with no children of her own, no. I’ve read too many horror stories on the Step-parenting board and heard too many bad experiences from friends.

And yes there are a lot of structural differences between the male and female experiences. The nice young men I know who’ve married single mothers have both had a relatively smooth ride (tiny sample, obvs).

AcrossthePond55 Sat 21-Sep-19 17:34:53

I'd just want my child to be happy. I'd hope and pray that if they married someone with children that they would be able to have an amicable relationship with the ex and a balanced relationship with the children. As far as personally, I'd be over the moon! My DS1 has decided he doesn't want children so if DS2 married someone with DC I'd be just be happy to be an instant grandparent, no matter how those DGC came into my life! And I can't see that I'd feel any differently if he later had DC 'of his own'. They'd all be equally precious.

Your MiL can think what she likes. But she needs to learn to keep her pie hole shut. She has more to lose than she realizes. If her DD marries this man she just might lose her DD if she realizes how her mother feels!

FunderAnna Sat 21-Sep-19 17:33:51

I went out with a bloke who had/has two children. We married and had another child together and have been together twenty-four years. I'm very found of my stepson and stepdaughter.

Rachelover60 Sat 21-Sep-19 17:24:02

It depends how old her daughter is. I think it is unwise for a young person to be involved with a man who has children, she would have more fun with someone who doesn't have ties. Past a certain age, most people have a child or children so there is less choice.

I wouldn't have wanted a boyfriend with kids.

Phuquocdreams Sat 21-Sep-19 17:11:42

Having dated someone with children, I would much rather my daughter did not date someone with children (obviously not my choice!) it’s a choice that makes a woman’s life much harder. You only have to see the shit and aggression SMs get on here to know that.

Teensruletheroost Sat 21-Sep-19 17:07:22

Honest answer is that I would prefer my DC to marry someone without children. For their children to be first children for both of them. Not to have to deal with financial pressures of split families/ maintenance and the intricacies of dealing with an ex even if they get on well.

I speak as a second wife and stepmum where the relationships with ex and SDC have always been very good over the decades. Even knowing we have had it as good as it can be I would rather my children had it simpler.

Oysterbabe Sat 21-Sep-19 17:05:44

I wouldn't like it but would certainly keep my mouth shut.

StroppyWoman Sat 21-Sep-19 17:05:43

I agree with your MIL - I'd far rather my children were in relationships with people with less emotional baggage, complications, and potential conflict. I love them and I'd like their lives to be simpler if possible.

Our family has blended families, with relationships with other blended families. The effort to keep everyone happy - especially around important life events and annual celebrations - is considerable. It's worth it, but it would be so nice and easy if it were not needed.

And yes, biological links are also a thing. It's understandable to feel more of a connection to the child of your child than the child of your child's girlfriend.

Tonnerre Sat 21-Sep-19 17:00:22

Both my siblings married people with children from previous marriages, both of their marriages have been very successful and they are still together many years later.

Riojasmoothy Sat 21-Sep-19 16:58:08

The only thing that matters to me is that my daughter's partner makes her happy and treats her well.
If he had children I would welcome them into my family.
I had my daughter in a previous relationship and my mil has always treated her as family. It never occurred to me that so many people felt otherwise.

charlestonchaplin Sat 21-Sep-19 16:56:36

My mother told me she’d support me whoever I married, unless he already had children. She’d experienced (and is still experiencing) the trauma of stepmotherhood and I don’t think she’d wish it on anyone, even people she really doesn’t like.

kenandbarbie Sat 21-Sep-19 16:56:26

I'd prefer my dc not to date anyone who already had children. As others have said, there are just added complications and the partner can never be the priority if they are dating a good parent.

Corneliawildthing Sat 21-Sep-19 16:52:51

She sounds like a dreadful woman and reminds me of my grandmother. My auntie was dating a bank manager who used to drop her home and then go out philandering with other women - small town so everybody knew about it. In the end she married a man who'd been married before and was absolutely lovely. My gran would rather she stuck with the philandering bank manager because he was somebody important in the town, rather than caring if her daughter was happy or not.

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