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Do I visit to much?

(144 Posts)
shellet Fri 20-Sep-19 15:00:05

My Dad is 80 and in poor health, 6 weeks ago he moved 250miles to a care home near to me. I visit him everyday sometimes for a few hour sometimes just an hour, I've taken him out etc. He doesn't want to mix with the other residents, he was like this at his previous home. The manager took me aside today and gave me some results of some recent scans, it looks very likely that my Dad has cancer. She said the Dr would discuss it with me when she gets back from holiday. The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc. I felt quite uncomfortable and unwelcome. I left. I feel that my Dad is declining rapidly and want to spend all the time I can with him. Now I feel like I'm intruding. I'm torn. How often should I visit then?

ShatnersWig Fri 20-Sep-19 15:03:34

As often as you and your Dad damn well want

whocanbebothered Fri 20-Sep-19 15:04:15

As often as you like. Your dad is in that home 24 hours a day for the majority of his time. Your 1-4 hour visits are not hindering staff getting to know him if they are doing their job correctly. They have plenty time around your visits to chat with him and do whatever else they have to, to form bonds. I would completely ignore them and continue on as you are, putting both your needs and your fathers needs over those of care home staff who are likely trying to limit visits as it could potentially be clashing with their set schedules. (I've worked in a care home so that's not a bitchy, fabricated conclusion)

Knittedfairies Fri 20-Sep-19 15:05:09

Unless your dad asks you to stop visiting him every day/so much, I think you should continue as you are.

Piffle11 Fri 20-Sep-19 15:05:25

Surely they can get to know him in the time that you’re not there? I’ve never heard of a family member being told by care home staff that they visit too often!

partysong Fri 20-Sep-19 15:08:33

Don't be put off, I'm sure your dad would rather be with you than getting to know them

roisinagusniamh Fri 20-Sep-19 15:10:48

I do see their point so I would just reduce my time slightly. Is anyone else visiting him?

ddl1 Fri 20-Sep-19 15:11:50

I am very sorry about your dad's poor health.This remark seems quite bizarre. It is surely a good thing for people to visit their elderly or ill relatives frequently, if possible! I am sure that your visits are very good for your dad! You could check perhaps with the manager as to whether there's a particular time of day which is problematic, because staff are (e.g.) delivering food or medicines at that time. Otherwise, it sounds as though the manager is involving you in some sort of power struggle, or perhaps as though a staff member has used your presence as an excuse for failing to obtain or record important information. Do you feel that they are taking good care of your dad in general?

Redglitter Fri 20-Sep-19 15:12:34

Ignore them. Hes your Dad spend whatever time you want with him while you can. As pp said even if you're there a few hours a day theres plenty time the staff to get to know them. Besides how much attention and time will they have to give him. Hes only one of many to them

Helbelle17 Fri 20-Sep-19 15:14:08

I would visit my dad every day too and I know that he would want me to.
Carry on with what you're doing if you're both happy.

Redglitter Fri 20-Sep-19 15:14:15

I* do see their point so I would just reduce my time slightly*

Shes only there for an hour or 2 at a time. They have the rest of the day to "get to know him"

TwattingDog Fri 20-Sep-19 15:14:28

Fuck me, the manager needs a kick up the arse. How vile.

Visit as often and for as long as you want. I hope your father is OK in that home.

messolini9 Fri 20-Sep-19 15:14:39

The manager told me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him etc

How bizarre.
The care home is run for the benefit of your dad, not the manager or her staff. They have plenty of time to get to know your dad outside of the time you spend with him.
I suspect that the manager is the controlling type, & was looking to undermine & wrongfoot you. Ignore her.

mawof3soontobe Fri 20-Sep-19 15:15:29

I'm pretty sure your dad will be grateful for every minute spent with you over small chat with a random nurse that provides personal care every day! You are his family, he loves you and cherishes your time I imagine. That comes before everything else. As long as the carers are caring for him in an efficient, compassionate and kind way then that's all that matters. Besides, they should be chatting to him whilst providing care, meals etc anyway. Four hours of his day does not prevent carers getting to know him. I'd be inclined to have a word with the doctor about this statement! That being said, he probably thinks he's doing you a kindness and giving you a get out free card because so many people visit purely out of guilt and don't care as much as they should

Jakethekid Fri 20-Sep-19 15:15:54

Surely they want/need relatives to visit, otherwise the resident will be alone alot. My grandad was in a home for a year before he sadly passed away and I know that the nurses and care workers dont have the time to spend much time with each individual resident.

Also im sorry but they think he has cancer but the doctor will talk to you after they come back off holiday? Did they tell you how long that will be? I'd be upset that I was told this news without much explaining and then told not to visit so much.

messolini9 Fri 20-Sep-19 15:16:17

I do see their point

How on earth did you manage that?
OP's dad is certainly better off having his daughter visit as much as possible. Nobody working at his care home should have this attitude, it's bizarre.

mawof3soontobe Fri 20-Sep-19 15:16:27

Just realised you said the manager said this, not the doctor. Insert correction above but same comment applies

roisinagusniamh Fri 20-Sep-19 15:16:36

If you were to go on holiday or away for work, emergency et., is there someone else who can visit?

miaCara Fri 20-Sep-19 15:17:48

Unless there was a very good medical reason not to visit at a particular time ( medication/rest etc) I would pay no attention to the request.

I think its a bizarre thing for a manager to have said anyway. Makes me wonder whats going on that she doesnt want you to see.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart Fri 20-Sep-19 15:18:03

I’m a suspicious sort so my first thought was “why do they want you out of the way?”

intermittentfasting Fri 20-Sep-19 15:18:26

Visit as often as you like. The manager sounds ridiculous.

Elderly who have visitors are less likely to be neglected by care home staff also.

Always make sure he has a drink of water within reach that you top up when you leave, bring him straws if he needs them and maybe leave some nice snacks for him too.

Nifflerbowtruckle Fri 20-Sep-19 15:18:40

I've worked in a care home and have never experienced family members being told they visit too often. The only thing they had was a sign asking them to respect meal times. Most residents had no or few visitors, that was harder for staff when residents had no one.

IamWaggingBrenda Fri 20-Sep-19 15:20:07

me that by visiting so often it wasn't giving the staff chance to get to know him So you’re there for an hour or two a day, but they don’t have time to get to know him? What utter nonsense. Visit him as often as you like. My god, nursing homes have residents who never get visitors - they should be thrilled that your dad is so loved that you want to see him daily. I can’t for the life of me understand what would make her say something so ridiculous. See your dad every day and tell her to mind her own damn business.

randomusername Fri 20-Sep-19 15:20:46

My OH has worked in a lot of care homes.
There are certain members of staff who prefer relatives who never visit or don't visit as often as they won't get flagged up for not taking proper care of them. Do not stop visiting....

BenWillbondsPants Fri 20-Sep-19 15:21:33

Sod that, go as often as you like. Your time with him is precious.

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