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..to think that, except in very special circumstances....

(273 Posts)
BertrandRussell Fri 20-Sep-19 12:26:35

....you should not have a baby with someone you have known for less than, say, 5 years? And you should both be at least, say, 2 years away from the relationship with the parent of your other children?

honeyloops Fri 20-Sep-19 12:34:41

What? The first part, I don't think is a terrible idea in theory - I've seen a few friends have babies with people who've turned out to be absolute ARSEHOLES and terrible parents, but you can never truly know someone, or know fully what they'll be like as a parent until you have children with them. And that doesn't account for people meeting slightly later in life and having children quickly because of the biological need to do so if they want children via the traditional route. But no, in theory, YANBU on that - I don't think it's an outrageous idea to think you should know someone well before you procreate with them, although life is rarely that simple and people don't always make choices for reasons of practicality, and that's fine.

But the second point is... a bit odd.

Choice4567 Fri 20-Sep-19 12:35:45

Why do you feel those rules are necessary?

Gingerkittykat Fri 20-Sep-19 12:35:57

I would say 5 years is excessive to expect a lot of people to wait. A lot of people will marry, set up home and know what they want before that.

I do agree with people waiting a good amount of time since the last relationship with another parent ended, the existing child will have gone through a lot of change and needs to adapt before a new sibling comes around.

formerbabe Fri 20-Sep-19 12:37:29

You are being absolutely ridiculous. You've just plucked numbers out of the air...weird post

loverose Fri 20-Sep-19 12:38:28

This is so weird. Who even thinks of this?

100PercentThatBitch Fri 20-Sep-19 12:40:03

Some people in their 30s simply can't wait that long confused

gamerchick Fri 20-Sep-19 12:40:31

2 years without a leg over? It's unhealthy in my life!

Looneytune253 Fri 20-Sep-19 12:40:51

Wow!! Tbh I don't think that's anyone else's business other than the mum and partner involved. It happens. Sometimes accidentally and sometimes planned but I don't suppose it really matters

MissGiddyPants Fri 20-Sep-19 12:41:51

hmm

BogglesGoggles Fri 20-Sep-19 12:42:29

Why though? You are unlikely to learn anything after five years that you wouldn’t have learned after one. The reason why a lot of people struggle with their relationships post baby is because having children is very hard and brings out the worst in people. I decided to have children with my DH after knowing him two months. We had enough in common to have a good shot at a successful relationship, we wanted the same things, had the same opinions about parenting, and he had fantastic genetic material. If you are a fairly rational person you should be able to make the decision fairly quickly. A preliminary discussion would probably rule out most people as a potential candidate anyway.

CarysRed Fri 20-Sep-19 12:42:52

It doesn’t really matter as long as it works for them people

BertrandRussell Fri 20-Sep-19 12:42:55

“2 years without a leg over? It's unhealthy in my life!“

I didn’t say no sex!

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat Fri 20-Sep-19 12:42:57

I think it’s absolutely none of your business how other people choose to live their lives. Dh and I were together only 6 weeks. What’s that got to do with you? How does it affect your life in any way?

I sometimes wonder if your account has been hacked. confused

Ahundredpercentthatbitch Fri 20-Sep-19 12:43:04

You’re only really talking to people in their mid twenties to early thirties then aren’t you OP?

TheMustressMhor Fri 20-Sep-19 12:43:40

Why have you started this thread?

Could we please have the long and involved back-story now.

eenymeenyminyme Fri 20-Sep-19 12:43:54

That's very specific!

100PercentThatBitch Fri 20-Sep-19 12:44:13

I think it's a bizarre/arbitrary way of asserting a superior relationship

There are perhaps two year couples who have a deep and intense bond

And five year couples who have just sort of rubbed along together well but aren't each other's be all and end all

Aurorie11 Fri 20-Sep-19 12:44:36

Hhmmm within 5 years I was married and had 2 children

NoCauseRebel Fri 20-Sep-19 12:45:24

I actually think that having children with multiple partners (be that male or female) is irresponsible. So you have children on both sides who go back and forth to their other parents who may have children on both sides who go back and forth to other parents and then those people have children together... And expect it all to work out as a harmonious happy family? yes I understand why people want children with a new partner, but that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a good idea.

But people will obviously continue to do so, but yes, I think that having a child soon into a new relationship when children from the previous relationship are still getting used to the idea of not only the split between their parents but also a new partner entering on to the scene.

But it never ceases to amaze me how many “contraceptive failures” occur iiin the first year of a new relationship... hmm more like contraception not taken properly which would cause it to fail. Entirely avoidable for the most part...

sheshootssheimplores Fri 20-Sep-19 12:45:50

Well I guess that only makes one of my children acceptable to you 🙄

AnneLovesGilbert Fri 20-Sep-19 12:46:07

Didn’t we have a very similar thread the other day, without the specific time frames? I’m sure you said you’d been together 14 years when you had yours.

I didn’t plan to end my first marriage because my ex became abusive and would have loved to meet my husband earlier but it happened as it happened, we knew we were happy, settled, committed, ready and not getting any younger and we’d have had one earlier than we did if we hadn’t lost the 5 previous pregnancies.

BertrandRussell Fri 20-Sep-19 12:46:24

No long and involved back story. Just read too many threads about wonen having babies with arsehole men, and while with men still disentangling themselves from previous relationships.

LagunaBubbles Fri 20-Sep-19 12:46:43

Why 5 years? confused

LolaSmiles Fri 20-Sep-19 12:47:42

5 years is a bit excessive, but I quite like the principle that it's probably a bit misguided to move in and have a baby with someone who you've known briefly and when you first met was still dealing with break up issues.

There are certain common issues on many threads:
- man has been separated from their ex (and sometimes mother of child) for a few months when the OP met him but there was obviously no overlap at all
- OP claims that her new boyfriend and baby dad to be has at least 2 crazy exes who are oh so unreasonable for no reason at all
- OP has a baby with a man who doesn't pay child support for existing childre because he claims he has it all in hand (see also exes be crazy)
- OP has baby with man who doesn't see his existing children regularly but that's also because of the crazy bitter exes and he's a great dad to her children so their joint baby will be safe
- Couple repeatedly have unprotected sex... Then argue when a "surprise" pregancy happens
- lots and lots to babies on MN that all seem to happen when contraception is used appropriately
- Man moves into a womans house and is keen to play dad to her kids whilst doing little for his own
- OP and new partner want to prove they're serious so have a baby together and then wonder why it's not filling the cracks in their relationship
- Suspicions of cheating = have a baby to prove how serious we are
- man acts like man child and doesn't pull his weight when dating, OP wonders why he's also a waste do space around the house when baby arrives
- Woman gives up her financial security to man who has said he won't marry her, despite all the warning signs and millions of MN threads on this, they decide they'll be different... 3 years later she's shafted and he walks away.

Of course any relationship can break down and no relationship is guaranteed, but some common sense tells you that the above are massive red flags.

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