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Is this conversation with school mum weird?

(94 Posts)
Mam654 Fri 20-Sep-19 11:24:57

Hi, wasn't sure where to post this. I've just had a conversation with a mum whose son is very good friends with my son - they go to pre-school together. We are also very good friends.

Our sons are very close and always choose to play with each other. The mum also looks after my son when I take our daughters to a club once a week.

At the pre-school today, she pulled her son away from mine to play with another child, leaving my son on his own. Outside, she just told me that she is moving her son to another pre-school day (so they spend two days together but not the third), because she is concerned they are spending too much time together and that her son is getting too dependent on my son.

I kind of get that. But the pre-school have told us that there isn't a 'leader' and they have a good, equal friendship. But she then said she's going to organise play dates with other children, so he has other friends. I replied that I hope they will all be friends together in a group.

The reason I'm nervous is because a similar situation happened with our daughters - they were very good friends, but the mum became quite anxious about making other friendships for her DH (and leaving my DH out), often keeping me in the dark, so that when they got to school my DH found her best friend already had another group of friends that she did not know about, and she was basically left out of that group. It was very upsetting for her.

I can feel this happening again - I'm assuming I won't be invited to these other friendship playdates. I feel as if she is a bit over-anxious about friendships and engineers situations. The conversation has left me feeling a bit euch. Surely the boys will just work it our for themselves without any meddling?

mbosnz Fri 20-Sep-19 13:38:49

Perhaps you might want to think about expanding your son's circle of friends and fostering other friendships, so he isn't left similarly isolated?

Jeschara Fri 20-Sep-19 13:43:34

Let the kids get on with it, they usually do without adult interference.

VladmirsPoutine Fri 20-Sep-19 13:56:27

That's very extreme! She's literally moving to another pre-school. Unless your son continuously bullies her son then she sounds WAY over the top1

EssentialHummus Fri 20-Sep-19 14:08:00

vlad I think she's just moving his days around at this preschool: " Outside, she just told me that she is moving her son to another pre-school day (so they spend two days together but not the third)"

I don't know OP. I'd think about what you can do for your DS so he has other friendships too, because this mum sounds rather too interfering.

TheSerenDipitY Fri 20-Sep-19 14:13:23

she doesnt like you and doesnt want her kids playing with yours, because then she will have to chat to you.... sorry

VladmirsPoutine Fri 20-Sep-19 14:15:48

Thanks for that Essential clearly my comprehension skills eluded me! grin it doesn't sound so extreme in that case.

But all that said, I'd focus on developing a range of friendships too. Look at it as though you're just developing a rounded, healthy range of friendships so he doesn't feel too put out when the inevitable happens and they fall out over a toy or whatever.

Bluntness100 Fri 20-Sep-19 14:16:06

The concerning thing here is this happened with your daughter also. Do your kids become a bit focused or latched on, do they play nicely? Is there something in your own interactions?

As a one off I'd say it was her, but for it to happen twice, is kind of odd.

roseunicornblower Fri 20-Sep-19 14:17:21

Encourage your son to start playing with other kids too and then leave them to it.

dowehaveastalker Fri 20-Sep-19 14:20:01

Widen your sons group. She’ll realise soon enough if you let what she’s doing bother
You.

northdevonnewbie Fri 20-Sep-19 14:21:38

Was it the same mum with your daughter?

123space Fri 20-Sep-19 14:22:13

Distance yourself from this woman. Why are you still taking her daughter to clubs when she behaved like that toward her? Encourage your children to play with other kids who don't have a controlling mum.

billy1966 Fri 20-Sep-19 14:23:03

OP, when your DD was treated this way, deliberately, why would you set your son up for a dose of the same.🤔

Honestly, have a think. I don't think she is a friend.

See what's in front of you and definitely start having other playdates for your son.

CharityConundrum Fri 20-Sep-19 14:24:15

The fact that your daughter struggled when her 'best friend' had another group of friends does suggest that their friendship was a bit intense. I can understand her trying to widen her kids' social circle a bit.

You sound annoyed that you won't be invited to the other friendship playdates, but surely that's the point- she doesn't want her kids to be reliant on a single 'best friend' so she wants them to get to know others on a one to one basis so that they are more likely to mix with a group. I understand her position- couldn't you encourage your son to be friends with other children as well? That's ideal anyway really.

CassianAndor Fri 20-Sep-19 14:24:16

I can see where's she's coming from - there was a possibility that DD would end up at the same school as her best nursery friend, which the friend's dad was keen to happen, but we were relieved when they ended up at different schools. It was a very exclusive friendship.

FairyJuice Fri 20-Sep-19 14:25:49

She sounds way ott op, I would make sure your son makes other friends so that he's not isolated when he goes on to school.

Out of interest, are your daughter's still friends now?

TheVanguardSix Fri 20-Sep-19 14:27:42

She sounds a bit overly invested and OTT. But maybe she just wants a bit of variety/breathing space. I know it's really hard not to take it personally, but some people (they tend to put it on the kids) can get overwhelmed by the socialising with kids/parents that inevitably comes with pre-school/school. Maybe she just needs a day where she picks up her son and goes home without any too much socialising.

You'll still be good mates and so will your children. But it's ok to mix things up. Keep a cool head and let the kids crack on with it. The nursery will encourage your son to play with others. It's just one of those early life lessons for him.

FairyJuice Fri 20-Sep-19 14:27:56

It's nursery aged kids were talking about here so unless it's a total extreme situation, I think it's a bit much to say that friendships are too intense.

mankyfourthtoe Fri 20-Sep-19 14:28:13

Could you be perceived as clingy?

hadwebutworldenoughandtime Fri 20-Sep-19 14:29:29

I don't agree with the comment that your daughter's friendship was 'intense' because she struggled when she was left out from a group of friends including one she had thought of as her best friend. This seems a totally normal reaction to me. I am having similar friendship worries with my daughter and I am encouraging her to expand her friendship group.

Laiste Fri 20-Sep-19 14:30:53

Ooh. This would sting.

However - once bitten twice shy OP. I know you can't have controlled who your son has become friends with while in school, but i wouldn't have been continuing much connection with this woman and her kids after it happened with your DD.

And i'd have been busy making sure my DS had a big circle of other little friends because of what she did with your DD too.

MerryMarigold Fri 20-Sep-19 14:31:54

Yes, I'd just concentrate on widening his circle (and your circle) of friends too. Some parents want their kids to have loads of friends as it makes them feel less insecure. It is also sensible in case there are issues between the children (or parents!) later on and it diffuses intense relationships. However, children do get their own opinions at some point and tend to gravitate to certain children and not others. My dd has 1-2 friend at school, and likes it that way. My son has about 8-9 friends. They are twins. Different strokes for different folks.

WonderWomansSpin Fri 20-Sep-19 14:32:22

If the mum already distanced her DD from your DD, I don't understand why you want your DS to be friends with her DS.
ime lots of parents micro-manage their DCs' friendships when they are young.
This mum doesn't want her DCs to be tied into intense friendships with your DCs.
Start inviting other children for playdates.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 20-Sep-19 14:33:00

I think.... here goes .....
She doesn’t like her children playing with yours and she probably doesn’t like you very much either. I’d back off and not worry about feeling isolated.
You should encourage your kids to play with others and just let it go.
Sorry flowers

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead Fri 20-Sep-19 14:33:15

That sounds very strange Op. Sorry to say, but I think she doesn't like you or your DCs, so she's trying to ensure their time together is minimised. What was the outcome with your DD? Did the friendship cool or did they remain friends?

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