Sorry it's a Christmas in law one !(70 Posts)
Apologies in advance as I know it's September 🤦🏻♀️
First baby, now 14 weeks old 😊
This Christmas I sincerely doubt he will have any understanding 😂 we have an idea of a few things he needs and will buy a few bits of clothes etc from Santa. Mainly so he has things to play with the paper 😂 and for some nice photos to look back on.
My mum asked if there was anything we wanted so she doesn't waste money and we have asked for a walker push along thing to go in his nursery for when he needs it. Mil was there for this conversation and said she is buying already for Christmas. She tends to go ott and I didn't say anything but it upset me a bit as I'm worried she will spend more than we do in the future (much better off) but then I figured I was being silly and it doesn't really matter as no matter what the gifts are its all about the Santa experience really for children and things like putting out his milk and cookies etc! I hardly remember what I got for Christmas as a child but I do remember creeping down the stairs to see if Santa had been!
Anyway today she has been on the phone to dh saying she thinks it's weird we are 'dictating what baby is getting'. I'm not dictating at all my mum asked!! Then she said that she will be doing Santa at her house. Dh said she was being daft as our ds is too small to notice this year but that Santa will obviously be at home here in the years to come and she said she is going to tell him that the presents from her are also from Santa.
I'm a bit 🙄 about the whole thing but also annoyed. I feel like she's had her turn to 'be santa' and while I accept I can't dictate how much she buys I thought we would have the excitement of Santa at ours. I hope this makes sense 🤦🏻♀️🙈 I just feel like Santa at our house won't be as exciting in years to come if he then has Santa at his granny's with better presents etc.
I don't have a very good relationship with her (understatement) and I'm trying for my son and husband so please tell me if I'm being UR. Not sure there is much I can do about it all anyway.
Of course you can do something about it. Santa will be coming to your home, end of discussion. Grandma's presents are from her. You can't dictate what or how much she buys, so I wouldn't even worry about. As for dealing with logistics and communication, your husband can do that. Don't allow her to make the rules as to how you celebrate and develop your own traditions. She had her chance with her family, now it's your turn.
Nope not unreasonable at all. Your child your Santa. MIL has had her turn. Not really an issue this year as you say. Can I suggest you start by saying Christmas from now o will be at home any visitors welcome. If she wants to do a stocking from Grandma that's fine but you will be making clear it's from Grandma when baby get it. I had this problem many years ago. Two years of that's a lovely stocking from grandma. Can you do a letter or picture to say thank you stopped the pretence. Discuss with Dh now so your both saying the same
It must be hard for her to reign it in a bit as she probably remembers when your DH was young and how fun it was doing santa for her children.
But she needs to be gently reminded that it's your turn now and Santa will be coming to your house.
If she isn't having any of it, then perhaps invite her to yours and not go to hers for Christmas, so that she can't play host.
I would be wary as it's your first child and families can get very demanding at Christmas time. Whatever you do now will be setting the standard for future Christmases.
My mil was like this, so all presents came from FC.
We didn't allow her any say at all and xmas day was just us at home and boxing day was for extended family so half a day at each gp's.
You say what happens, no disrespect but you need to stand up for yourself. I'm a mil and granny and wouldn't dream f over stepping the mark like this.
You also need to have a chat with your dh, say what you want, what you won't put up with and expect him to back you up. Mine did, 100% and mil soon backed off.
I get that she may want to spoil her first grandchild I really do, but you/DP need to be firm.
The next time she starts saying that you were “demanding” or “dictating” what your child gets for Christmas - simply say “ ok MIL, you know that’s not what I said and if you continue to say this then we will have to stick to text communication”.
Don’t let her dictate how you spend YOUR first Christmas with your child.
If she wants to do Santa at her house, fine but not on Christmas Day.
Also, if she’s trying to steal thunder buy buying “better” presents then simply don’t go over Christmas or Boxing Day, Wait a few days for the hype to die down.
My mum is a nightmare and buys my kids junk (think cheap
Plastic toys that break and end up in landfill). She picks quantity over quality.she never asked what they need or wants and buys rubbish they aren’t interested in. I sound really ungrateful but if she asks I could tell her what they would really
Like rather than buying something that will end up broke and in the bin or at a charity shop.
Mil is opposite she likes to buy one or two decent items she asks us what they need. My mum questions me on what mil bought them and will say I can’t believe she only bought them two presents. Infuriates me as mil really doesn’t put thought into all her presents and buys things that will last.
Your mil is proably excited to be buying presents for her grandchild. I remember my eldests first Christmas. He was 8 months old and had too much. Presents from us, my parents, my grandparents, his dad and his family (I’m with a new partner now), other relatives, friends etc. It was ridiculous.
I’ve given up with my mum. I keep telling her not to buy too much —crap— for them or anything too big (don’t have the biggest house) and she still does it anyway.
The true magic of Christmas is at home when Santa’s been in your own house though so don’t let it bother you too much.
That's my worry tbh! I feel daft even thinking about it when he's so small but it's setting the precedent isn't it!
We don't get on at all well so we agreed to go for Christmas breakfast (have never been to theirs in 10 years for Christmas) and then back to my parents for lunch. The plan was santa here, breakfast there, lunch at my dads. Next year we will probably just stay at home completely. I feel a bit of a mug as breakfast was meant to be an olive branch and now she's pushing back.
For context to the ott bit. After I had my son she arrived with 8 bin bags of stuff (random bits like a toddler slide). I was completely overwhelmed and couldn't actually walk so my mum had to come over and help dh find a home for it 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
In the years to come when baby understands the concept of Santa you just say that all the presents in grandmas house are from grandma. And say it in front of grandma so she knows that you are not giving in to her controlling behaviour. It's not something to worry about for another couple of years. However, stand firm if she has form for going against your wishes in other situations. You give in now it will be harder to set boundaries later on.
At the risk of asking for a drip feed, it sounds like she already has a say in too much, has she been like this from the start?
@CBCB7992 your mum could be my mil 😂 she never asks what we want and we just end up with a load of random things that are no use to anyone. Dh often asks her straight out why she bought things 🙈 while I sit and cringe at how blunt he is 😂 it still doesn't get through though and more arrives!
@Drabarni hmm possibly although not in recent years. I don't want to do the dreaded drip feed 😂 have spoken a lot about her in the past on here (nc). At first I was very involving of her and then she totally crossed some lines when we got married, through a tantrum etc and I backed off majorly. Dh who was once head in the sand has been brilliant since. After my son was born she's tried to have a few things her way (silly things like when she visited after he was born etc) and he's shut her down straight off.
Marvellous OP, I think when you have a dh to back you up it helps hugely.She never stops trying, does she?
I think you are wonderful to cope with her, I'm not sure my dil would if I behaved like this.
Just live the way that you and dh want to, and obviously don't give an inch.
Actually I would go to hers for gifts this Christmas, and say, OH MIL we don’t ah ration for this, well leave it here for when he comes over’ and skip merrily in your way.
Works 2 fold, she keeps the crap at hers, and she’ll get them message for next time.
* You can't dictate what or how much she buys, so I wouldn't even worry about*
You can't dictate what she pisses her money away on but you can say whether or not it comes into your house. Which is what I did when it went OTT.
Tell MIL either she gets on board with your way of doing Christmas or she won't be apart of it at all.
@Drabarni I think you're probably making me out to be better than I am 😂😂 I am trying with her to an extent but I'm very much low contact! Suits me (and sadly dh) that way!
I find it really sad tbh. I'd have loved a good relationship with her and the more people who love my son the better but she just can't help trying to take things over. At our wedding I felt bad for her as she clearly had no clue about what things were going on in terms of the order of the day etc and she is very much about show to her friends so i think she was embarrassed but then I think well that's her own making.
At the moment a polite relationship works for us so I don't want to rock the boat but I also don't want to be taken for a fool.
My mil did this and it drove me crazy. “OH let’s see what Santa left for you here” . I just used to say “silly granny, Santa only visits our own home for us waking up with presents, does he?” SHe soon stopped her Santa talk!
PP had a good idea about you staying to your child in front of Grandma that all gifts at her house are from here.
If anyone (her or DH) needs a reason for this, you can say that you are wary of your child having excess Santa presents when some children don’t get as many due to what their parents can afford.
What does she mean by doing Santa at hers? Is she just saying "look what santa got you"? I shouldn't worry OP the excitement is all in the waking up on Christmas morning and finding the stocking, as well as putting out the mince pie and milk on Christmas Eve, if there are extra gifts from him at Granny's house that will be a bonus for your child but won't take away from the magic of what happens at yours She might also soon get bored of Santa getting all the credit rather than Grandma!
It's good to hear your DH is supportive of you OP. I would consider having a rule that only one or maybe two nicer presents (from you) are labelled as being from Santa and smaller gifts, and all presents from relatives, is from that person. It helps when your child is older so they don't think they can ask for all sorts of expensive stuff 'from Santa' thinking Santa brings it for free.
I'd also put some boundaries in place now regarding how much they can buy. Tell MIL now that she's not to buy sacks and sacks full of stuff as you don't have the room
or the need for it and that if she insists on over buying then the items will need to be kept at her house or you will have no choice but to donate it elsewhere. Actually, your DH should be telling her that.
I think it's a good idea to just be like ohhh don't be silly these are from you granny! Then she can't really start a huge thing in front of ds.
The leaving things at hers is also a good idea but I tried that when I was pregnant and she just brought it all round with her the next time she came. I actually ended up donating loads because we ended up with two Moses baskets etc 🤦🏻♀️
We very rarely go to their house (maybe once every 2-3 months) so she won't let us leave stuff there. I'm aware I sound ridiculous and need to put my big girls pants on! 🤦🏻♀️
@Icecreamsoda99 I didn't hear the conversation but from what dh said she intends on setting it all up like from Santa and she had mentioned that she's got him a Santa plate (as in for milk and cookies) which I assume is for there now 😩
You need to use your words.why didn't you say I don't want that here when she brought the stuff around?
Woah! If she's going OTT then of course you can say it's too much! You don't have to accept anything from them. She needs to accept that you are mum and your rules are law! Don't let this slide even though they're young cos she'll think she can get away with it every year!
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