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AIBU - can't help but feel a bit bitter about DC's godparents pregnancy

(72 Posts)
Newbieanouee Wed 18-Sep-19 14:07:05

I have some rather unsavoury and unpleasant feelings that I'm at loathe to admit I'm feeling.
I have a Dear Child, happy and healthy and just gone one years old. We had tried to conceive for almost two years, in the end resorting to IVF, first time lucky, everything went, and is still going, perfectly fine.
I'm grateful and so happy with what I'm blessed with.

Nevertheless, recent news of our DC's godparents pregnancy (within a year of them getting married) left me feeling a bit hollow.

I know it's unreasonable and silly, but I just can't help but feel sad that DC will no longer be the "center" of all of our collective universe...So to speak.

But actually, mostly I'm feeling that it's all abit unfair that these things happen (or seemingly to) so easily and fast for some others, just not for us. I didn't have anybody to share our fertility struggles with during the time we went through it. And it didn't appear that any of my hubby's friends seem to have that issue either (it was just some of my friends, but they already had these before we even tried to conceive).

So I do know that I'm not alone with such health issues/experiences.

I just wondered if anybody is out there's who went through something similar, emotionally as well.

Proseccoinamug Wed 18-Sep-19 14:10:39

You’re not unreasonable to grieve after your struggle with infertility. It is a grief, even though you had a child - the loss of that carefree excitement and just easiness if it that others have. You’re allowed to feel what you feel about that. It is shit and it is unfair.

As for dc... it’s not good for a child to be at the centre of everyone’s universe really. That’s a lot of pressure for a child. I speak as one who was doted on. If your dc can have space to be just one of many and his decisions as he grows up impact him only.... that’s a gift you can give him.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Wed 18-Sep-19 14:18:50

I'm sorry that you had such a struggle conceiving OP. I can understand how you feel about others managing to conceive so quickly. We tried for several years and our first pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage. Within 2 months my SIL and BIL were announcing their first pregnancy - a honeymoon baby - and it was very difficult being happy for them.

However, we're all different - some people will conceive quickly, some will take years and have lots of interventions, others won't ever manage to have a baby. It's no one's fault which 'bucket' they sit in and YABU to resent your GP's fortune in managing to conceive within a year of marriage. And your sentence "I just can't help but feel sad that DC will no longer be the 'center' of all of our collective universe" is just bizarre! The GPs have been married nearly a year for goodness sake and are entitled to have a family of their own. I'm sure they'll keep loving your DC as much as before once they have their own baby. You are already thankful for what you have. Be gracious and be happy for the GPs too, and maybe seek a support group or some counselling because deep down you're obviously still harbouring a lot of hurt about your fertility struggles.

TheArtfulScreamer1 Wed 18-Sep-19 14:20:42

YABU but at least you know it. Infertility can do strange things to you, I finally have a DD after 5 years TTC and a round of IVF but prior to the IVF I on occassion found myself feeling slightly envious of those who had unfortunately suffered miscarriages or chemical pregnancies as at least they knew they could get pregnant. I would never have verbalised this feeling as it is a horrible thing to think and I certainly would never wish a miscarriage on anyone but sometimes you can't help where your mind takes you it's best to acknowledge the feeling to yourself and then move on from it.

codenameduchess Wed 18-Sep-19 14:29:12

Yabu but you know that, and it's not a rational thought process when you've had infertility. You don't know how long they'd been ttc though, there's nothing to suggest they weren't trying before they got married and you just don't know.

It took me and DH 4 years of ttc before we had dd, luckily only 6 months 2nd time round but it doesn't make it any easier.

C305 Wed 18-Sep-19 14:29:33

As pp said, it takes a long time to go through the grieving process of fertility struggles and doesn't just disappear because/when one manages to conceive and give birth so I don't think YBU to feel that slight resentment that other people may conceive without appearing to have needed to try. However I do think you have to remind yourself that everyone has their own struggles and just because they don't necessarily share them readily with others or are of the same nature as your own, doesn't mean they don't exist/aren't as difficult as your own and don't impact their lives in other ways. You never really know what people are going through behind closed doors, no matter how charmed other people's lives may appear to be.

As for your child not being the 'centre' of everyone's university, this does sound very unreasonable and in my opinion is highly unhealthy for a child to be thought of in this way anyway as the pp mentioned. I can't really understand why you would feel this way to be honest or what your ideal alternative would be in this situation... would you rather they didn't have any children so that your DC could be the only one?

FishCanFly Wed 18-Sep-19 14:30:18

YABVU
you're not childless

Hedgehogblues Wed 18-Sep-19 14:31:18

I waited twenty years for my child. I don't understand why I would begrudge other people who didn't have to wait so long.

PotteringAlong Wed 18-Sep-19 14:32:07

You want your child to be the centre of the universe, not only for you but also your friends and family? That’s not only unreasonable but also unhealthy.

PotteringAlong Wed 18-Sep-19 14:33:12

Also, I’d be surprised if your DC even features near the centre of their universe even without a child of their own...

AloeVeraLynn Wed 18-Sep-19 14:33:55

YABU and there will be people who will find your first time lucky IVF just as upsetting as you've found your friends "easy" pregnancy. It's all relative. You have a child. Move forward.

BarbedBloom Wed 18-Sep-19 14:34:48

Infertility did terrible things to me for a while and looking back I don't recognise myself. I was so sad, angry and bitter all at once and I had some awful thoughts. I remember lying on the bed face down sobbing after a friend sent round a scan photo after getting pregnant on honeymoon, then declaring I couldn't possibly see her again. Of course I did, but in that one moment I completely lost it.

I probably won't have children now as I have since been diagnosed with RA and I am not sure I can manage, which made me a mess all over again. I feel like just punching my own body sometimes as it can't seem to do anything right grin

Honestly, don't be so hard on yourself. Don't dwell on the feeling though or get too trapped in it. Allow yourself a little time to be angry and sad and then find a way to stamp it down. I have realised finally I don't want my friends baby, I want mine.

EssentialHummus Wed 18-Sep-19 14:35:17

Gently, yab(a bit)u. Even thinking selfishly, Your child will benefit immensely from growing up with friends’/relatives’ kids around them - it really does them a world of good. And I imagine that having gone through infertility you wouldn’t wish it on anyone flowers.

Dljlr Wed 18-Sep-19 14:36:44

I'm sorry too that it didn't come easily to you. Speaking from the perspective of absolute infertility after the birth of my one and only though I'd also caution you against begrudging the happiness of those better off than you because you too are privileged. For one, IVF worked for you, and for so many, it doesn't; and for another, you could potentially have more children, which is an option forever closed to me and plenty of others. So YANBU, but at the same time - get over yourself.

SmileCheese Wed 18-Sep-19 14:37:31

Yabu I appreciate you had difficulties conceiving and that it is hard when others appear to conceive so easily but truthfully you cannot possibly know that others haven't difficulties.

I also find it very unhealthy that you want your child to be the centre of yours and your friends universe. Your child will always be important to them but to expect them to be at the centre of anyone's universe, including your own, could be quite a damaging expectation especially if you were to have another child in future.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks Wed 18-Sep-19 14:38:17

I can understand being hurt by people getting pregnance when you are trying to conceive (and failing). I’ve been there... However once you have your own baby why would you care what happens to others? Note, I am not blaming you for these feelings, just trying to make you question why.

LolaSmiles Wed 18-Sep-19 14:38:57

YANBU.
Fertility struggles can be emotional and draining and can lead to some irrational feelings that aren't pleasant.

You may be better to have this moved to infertility though than AIBU as before long I'm sure people will be along to stick the knife in, tell you you're lucky to have a child and generally be unpleasant on such a sensitive situation.

Teddybear45 Wed 18-Sep-19 14:42:16

While I understand I think you need to give your head a wobble. TTC for 2 years total and getting pregnant first time via IVF is actually a very easy (in)fertility journey as far as things go. I was ttc for 5 years then had to go through another 2 years of treatments before IVF gave me a BFP. There are still others who have tried IVF for 10-20 years without any success. Count your blessings, be grateful for what you have, if you can’t be happy for your friends then just go low contact for a bit until you can be, and if this has prompted a desire for a second child then explore it with your clinic.

pasturesgreen Wed 18-Sep-19 14:43:59

YABU, sorry.
I don't have children. I love my godson dearly, but he isn't, and never has been, the "centre of my universe".

moobar Wed 18-Sep-19 14:44:18

Agree with @AloeVeraLynn . Count your blessings. Two years trying and one successful IVF is about as good as it gets. Many areas won't even start initial tests until two years and then it's a very long wait.

BeachComber1 Wed 18-Sep-19 14:45:03

Sorry OP, but you really need to get a grip.

Your child is not the centre of other people’s universe, nor should they be.

I tried to conceive for 11 years, with no success. I wouldn’t look st someone who TTCed for two years and then got pregnant with first round of IVF as having had huge struggles, using my own experience as a measure. Someone who tried for a baby for 20 years will look at me and think I don’t know what it’s like to be in their shoes. Others will absolutely disagree. It’s all about perception- mine is mine but doesn’t mean I’m right. Just because you perceive that you had a hard time and they didn’t, doesn’t mean that you’re right.

FenellaMaxwell Wed 18-Sep-19 14:47:45

I love my godchildren but they weren’t the centre of my universe before I had my own DC.

Love is not a finite amount that has to be sliced up and shared round - they will still love your DC when they have their own.

JustMe81 Wed 18-Sep-19 14:50:46

I can see both sides of this. I ttc for nearly 10 years all in. Had a loss, and took 8 years to conceive my son. Had another loss and I’m now fortunate enough to be pregnant again. I experienced so many emotions during that time. Jealousy, anger, grief, you name it I’ve felt it at some point, but it’s not healthy and it was ruining me. Whenever I told my partner about a friend who was pregnant I’d say “I’m happy for them but....” In the end I had to make a conscious effort to actually be happy for them, no ifs and buts. I didn’t want my friends and family to experience losses and fertility issues so I learned to just be happy for their news.

When I announced I was pregnant with my son, an old friend of mine commented “You’re so lucky, how long have you been trying?” Her version of “I’m happy for you but” We had a conversation and it turned out she’d been trying to conceive for 4 years with no luck. My point being that just because you don’t know that someone is struggling, it doesn’t mean they aren’t. It’s tough, I get it but go easy on the people who are getting what you want, it may not be as easy for them as it seems.

Chitarra Wed 18-Sep-19 14:55:03

I know what you mean OP - my DC's godparents have definitely become a bit less interested in them since having their own DC! It's natural that should happen.

I think when you have had struggles with infertility it's also natural to feel some jealousy towards people who didn't struggle at all. You know these feelings aren't pleasant, but IMO it's better to admit to it than pretend you're not feeling this way.

Face your feelings, live with them for a while, then try to put them behind you. That's what works for me.

sailingclosetothewind Wed 18-Sep-19 14:56:03

Your child's godparents are having a baby, how on earth will this affect your child? Your child will still be the centre of the universe for most of the people around him/her.

YABVU

You have no idea what your gp's have ahead of them, or how hard it was to conceive (maybe they have been trying in secret) It seems to me that your bitterness needs to be kept in check or it will spill over and ruin your relationship with them.

Your child now has a playmate to look forward to, the get togethers will be fun, your bonds with them should grow as they look for support and love from you. What is there not to be happy about.

Have you considered counselling?

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