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Feeling totally overlooked as mother of the bride

(265 Posts)
Lilygreen42 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:09:27

First time posting here.

After a very stressful year, Mum diagnosed with dementia, splitting from partner, son at university, etc, etc, I finally looked at my daughter's wedding photographs taken by the official photographer properly for the first time - the wedding was last year. Know it sounds mad but I just haven't done this till now. I was very upset to find that there wasn't one single photo of me with my daughter apart from one large group photo with the rest of my family. There were no photos of me with my daughter by ourselves. There aren't any taken by other guests either. Don't know how it happened. I took a few but I think I must have assumed that I didn't need to ask anyone to take some for me because the official photographer would have done so. I don't know. I have emailed the photographer and he said it might have been an oversight on his part! He's offered to do a family photo shoot, but I feel the moment has passed and what's the point? There were hardly any photos of my side of the family at all and absolutely loads of the groom's side - there were loads of the groom's Dad - the groom's Mum sadly passed away about 10 years ago. I also realised that I had no flowers either to match every else, nor did my mother nor the groom's gran. Don't the mother of the bride and the grans usually have a corsage? The men all had buttonholes but I had nothing. Plus, my daughter was supposed to organise a "hen do" for me and my sister and she never did - she went with her friends on her official hen do. The wedding took place in the groom's home town and I now feel that the whole wedding was for him, his family and their friends and that the bride's family were way down on the list of priority. Her brothers were groomsmen and her Dad gave her away and her cousin, my niece was a bridesmaid and obviously there were photos of all of them, but I just feel that her own family didn't figure highly in my daughter's thinking when it came to her wedding. Maybe I'm being unfair and just upset about it all. I helped my daughter with a lot of the preparations beforehand, decorated the church with flowers with my sister, helped prepare the presents for the guests, wrote out all the names for the place settings, took back all the suits to the suit hirer, etc. I feel I was just a dogsbody and that I wasn't treated properly as mother of the bride. It was the bride's day and she was beautiful but it should have been special for me too, but I was just treated like any other guest. It's taken me this long to work it out. Am I wrong to feel like this?

Kelsoooo Wed 18-Sep-19 09:13:37

Bluntly, yes.

You had your wedding, this day was for your daughter. And if you cared that much about photos you'd have done so at the time.

BarrenFieldofFucks Wed 18-Sep-19 09:16:34

Could you not have organised a 'hen do' ? A meal or something?

harriethoyle Wed 18-Sep-19 09:17:03

You sound like very hard work. Let this go or it will ruin your relationship with your daughter.

Shinyletsbebadguys Wed 18-Sep-19 09:20:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SVRT19674 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:20:16

My mum was very important and I had photos taken with her at home when getting dressed and after and then at the church during the ceremony and with the guests. I am not into hen dos of any kind, but photos with my mum, yes I made sure of that.

dontpanicmrmainwaring Wed 18-Sep-19 09:20:58

in the nicest possible way: its all about you isn`t it!

did you and your daughter not think to chat with the photographer beforehand???? they usually ask what you (or did they chat to your daughter WHOOSE WEDDING IT WAS). what photo`s were wanted specifically?

Its quite usual for mums of brides not to attend Hens.

WooMaWang Wed 18-Sep-19 09:21:18

You do realise that you’ve referred to your DD as ‘the bride’ throughout this post. That’s quite weird.

In any case, you were part of the day and the planning/prep - unlike other guests. It’s ridiculous to be getting annoyed over photographs or flowers or whether you got your own special ‘hen do’.

This is one to stop giving any thought to whatsoever.

RedSuitcase Wed 18-Sep-19 09:21:24

YABU.
Why should someone else's wedding be in anyway focused on you? And surely if you wanted to go on a special mother/daughter hen do, you'd be organising it rather than the bride?

DoctorAllcome Wed 18-Sep-19 09:22:43

Yes. I mean I was nodding my head until you got to the flowers complaint to which I was like so what?
But by the time you were saying the wedding was all about the grooms family but all the brides brothers were groomsmen....the this does not compute message flashed up.
Objectively, it was a good wedding and both bride & grooms family were involved equally- it was in grooms hometown but brides family had lion’s share of wedding party.
I understand you wanted more photos of yourself with your daughter...I can completely understand that. However, many mothers of the bride don’t want lots of photos of themselves so I think that is something you should have mentioned to the photographer on the day since it was important to you.

RabbityMcRabbit Wed 18-Sep-19 09:23:11

Why didn't you ask at the time OP? Eg direct the photographer on the day to take photos of you and your daughter. It really is a bit pointless to be lamenting it now, as nothing can be done about it. As for the hen do for you, you could have organised this; the bride will have been really busy organising her wedding day.

Instatwat Wed 18-Sep-19 09:23:25

1. It was your daughter and her husband’s day, not yours

2. It was last year(!)... if I was her I’d actually be really upset you hadn’t looked until now

HTH

FirstTimeMummyDS88 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:23:31

I'm getting married the beginning of next month and I'm having two hen nights. The first is with my friends and a couple of cousins and we are doing a cocktail making class (I'm 16 weeks pregnant with my 2nd so I will be on mock tails) having a meal and then staying in an apartment after a night out, we have hired a booth in a bar so I can have a little dance away from the crowd as I wouldn't want to risk my little bump getting knocked. My mum, gran, and aunts aren't drinkers or into the idea of a club so my Mum and Aunt have organised an afternoon tea and spa trip. Maybe if you wanted a more personal hen night with your daughter then you could have organised something. Have you asked your daughter about the photographs? I have already given my photographer a list of specific photographs I want and I think that corsages and buttonholes are different at every wedding, we are only having the groom and best men (he has 2) wearing buttonholes

BarrenFieldofFucks Wed 18-Sep-19 09:23:48

Did you not notice on the day that you weren't being photographed? Then was the time to mention it tbh, I'm not sure how it can have come as a shock.

TheTrollFairy Wed 18-Sep-19 09:24:30

It’s something that you should have realised at the time.
As far as I’m aware, the bride doesn’t organise hen did so if you wanted one with your daughter and your sister then you should have organised it better.

Is there photos of the groom with his parents? If so it is slightly weird that there aren’t any of the bride with her parents. Remember though, your daughter and her husband would have selected the photos they wanted taken - it’s down to the couple to go through and decide and then the photographer works off that list and directs the wedding party on the day

Abracad Wed 18-Sep-19 09:25:04

Crikey.

Pepperwand Wed 18-Sep-19 09:25:32

I'm sorry but you sound extremely self-absorbed. It was your daughter's day, it's not about you. I agree if you cared that much about having a photo just with your daughter you'd have made sure you had one at the time. For what it's worth I don't have a photo with just my mum on my wedding day and if I found out she thought like you did and hadn't even bothered looking at the wedding photos for months and months on end I would be both bemused and hurt.

RedPanda2 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:25:41

Wow OP. What has 'mother of the bride' got to do with anything? You were very involved in the wedding, now you're making it all about you. Very odd.

Herocomplex Wed 18-Sep-19 09:25:58

Your feelings are your feelings, but they’ll just make you resentful and bitter if you continue with them.

The wedding was one day, it’s over now. High emotions all round. There’s nothing that can change it. If you’re feeling a bit marginalised and sad then I would recommend doing something nice for yourself.

I’ve actually realised that the adage you have to give to receive doesn’t really work. Some people will just take and not reciprocate. So you can’t say ‘I did all of this, what am I getting?’ because they don’t understand it’s a two way process.

You can quietly ask for what you want though, but you’ve got to know what that is, afterwards is pointless.

Lulualla Wed 18-Sep-19 09:26:39

Didn't you realize whilst all the official photos were being taken that you and your daughter handy posed for one? How was the photographer meant to take one if you didn't pose? All the official photos are usually taken like it's a conveyor belt of poses with each group. Didn't you ask for one?

Why didn't you organise a night out for you, your daughter and tie sister? It's not usually the bride who arranges the hen. Her friends arranged one. If you wanted one then you shouodnhave treated her and arranged it.

blackcat86 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:27:01

You are being very precious and sound quite hard to please. Why should their wedding be all about what you want or feel you deserve. Have you considered some counselling to look into this? I'm not trying to be mean but my wedding was totally overshadowed my MIL trying to make it all about her and nothing was ever enough. We actually had very little in the way of flowers so she bought herself a bracelet with a flower on it to 'look like she was in the wedding party' despite me having no bridesmaids. Then she broke the bloody thing and we never heard the end of it. Guests still laugh about it which is sad really as it's at her expense. If you dont have any nice photos of you and your daughter then take the photographer up on their kind offer. You may find the bride and groom chose to have less formal photos (we did, very contentious but I'm terrible at smiling on command).

Sunnysidegold Wed 18-Sep-19 09:27:08

I think that of you had wanted a photo of yourself and your daughter you should have asked on the day. Or made it clear to your daughter beforehand that you wanted a picture of just you and her. I gave a list to my photographer of the group s I wanted pictures of. On the day one bridesmaid asked for one of just the two of us and it was no hassle to have that done on a spur of the moment.

It sounds like your family were involved, as groomsmen and bridesmaid but you just didn't have a specific role.

As another poster pointed out, if you're married, you've had your own day of being the centre of attention and last year's wedding was your daughter's turn.

Re corsages etc, I would have thought it would have been included in the order with buttonholes or you could have asked for one. My mum wanted one to match her outfit and my mil had one that tied in with the colours of my bridesmaid's dress.

I don't see the point in raising this now.

SmileCheese Wed 18-Sep-19 09:27:12

Wow I don't think I've ever read something so self centred. Your daughter got married and you're upset because you didn't get photos together and you didn't get flowers and you didn't get a hen do organised by your daughter for yourself and your sister. You might be her mother but truthfully yes you are just a guest at her wedding why do you think you should get special treatment? It shouldn't be all about you.

Lilygreen42 Wed 18-Sep-19 09:28:00

I've never been married.

RatherBeRiding Wed 18-Sep-19 09:28:20

If it had mattered that much to you, why on earth didn't you get someone to photograph you and your DD (or 'the bride' as you insist on calling her) at the time? And it's taken you this long to even realise??

YABVVU.

It wasn't your day. She had a lovely wedding - be happy for her.

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