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Mum at school - what would you do?

(290 Posts)
Jakeyblueblue Tue 17-Sep-19 19:20:47

I've got two school age kids, one in reception and one in year 4. There's another mum who lives about 10 doors up. She has kids in other classes. I don't know her name, would say hello If I saw her but that would be as far as our relationship went.
Last week she knocked on my door after school and said she had no money to feed the kids, said she was going to get paid the following day and could she borrow 30 quid. It totally threw me, I thought she must be really desperate to ask someone she hardly knows, so handed over the money. She's yet to make any attempt to pay me back, she walks past my house up and down to school and I've seen her in the playground everyday and she has ignored me, not even said hi. I've since found out that she has done similar to another mum, borrowed 40 quid over two separate occasions, same reason, no attempt to pay back.
Part of me is really annoyed and Wants to just ask her for it back, but then If she has no intention of paying me back, she will just lie so what's the point?? I'm on mat leave and the money was actually out of my kids piggy bank, can't afford to give her 30 quid and my husband is fuming, just thinks she is bloody cheeky!
On the other hand, Another part of me thinks maybe I should ask her if she is ok, say I know she has asked others?? Is there a problem? Maybe she has issues with drugs, gambling, debt and I don't want to make matters worse for her or embarrass her?? I don't know why I feel so awkward about it all!
She has a husband who does sometimes pick up the kids, she also has one or two mums that I see her speaking to, should I say something to them??
What would you do??

EssentialHummus Tue 17-Sep-19 19:23:20

I’d write off the money and possibly speak to school to say this has now happened twice and you’re worried there’s so addictive behaviour there.

x2boys Tue 17-Sep-19 19:25:19

I would probably just leave it tbh ,and never lend to.her again

BeanBag7 Tue 17-Sep-19 19:26:00

Perhaps speak to someone (not sure who, health visitor?) in the guise of a concerned parent who is worried that she is so short of money and maybe she needs support to manage her finances.

I wouldnt expect to get the money back but I would spread the word around your friends not to lend her money.

Goodlookingcreature Tue 17-Sep-19 19:26:12

I’d knock on the door the day she told you she’s paid (was it a Tuesday?) and say hi there Susan, just saving you the trip with the £30, really need it back today thanks, I was expecting it last week.

when the excuses start coming I would say you know she’s taken money from other parents and not repaid it and you’d hate to make it an issue at the school.

MT2017 Tue 17-Sep-19 19:26:39

On a day her husband is there, I would mention it to him. She is a CF.

Justgivemesomepeace Tue 17-Sep-19 19:30:26

If she tries it again Id tell her i had no money but she could have some food. I probably wouldve done that in the first place as I wouldnt have had the money anyway, but could have given her some stuff to make a couple of meals.
There probably is more to this however as £30 is a heck of a decent amount to get some tea for the kids.

1CantPickAName Tue 17-Sep-19 19:31:52

i would right the money off and leave well alone. She is obviously a user and didn't think twice about taking money from a stranger. We had a similar situation at our local primary school last term. one mum borrowed money from a couple of the other mums and didn't repay it, when she was asked for it, she got really aggressive to the point the school had to call the police and the other mum had to make arrangements to drop and collect her kids early.

If you are genuinely worried, you could tell the school's home liason person, I was involved in a safeguarding incident years ago when a lady I knew called me on Christmas day to say she had no electricity and could she borrow £20. Of course I gave it to her. A mutual friend contacted me a few weeks later to speak to me about some concerns she had about this ladies kids (I'm a childminder and she thought I could advise her). When I spoke to this lady's childminder, it came out that she was borrowing money from all sorts of people and it turned out that she had a serious drinking problem. It was a good job that we did report it as ss and the school were already involved but we didn't know.

formerbabe Tue 17-Sep-19 19:31:59

Write the money off and ignore her from now on.

Venger Tue 17-Sep-19 19:32:15

I'd let school know as a safeguarding issue, if she regularly doesn't have enough money to feed the kids then intervention is needed such as a food bank voucher and school will be able to refer concerns on to the relevant agencies.

I'd ask her outright when can you expect your £30 back and, whether you get it or not, dont lend her money again.

spanglydangly Tue 17-Sep-19 19:33:13

I understand why you hand3 over the £30, I probably would've done the same. I'd write it off and do not engage with her, if she knocked again it would be a firm no. Some people are just plain cheeky fuckers, some are trusting and nice, you know which camps the pair of you are in.

seaweedandmarchingbands Tue 17-Sep-19 19:33:27

when the excuses start coming I would say you know she’s taken money from other parents and not repaid it and you’d hate to make it an issue at the school.

It’s nothing to do with the school. Honestly, two adult women, one borrows money off the other one, doesn’t pay it back, and two responses out of six say ‘tell the teacher’.

Leave the teacher alone! If you have concerns you report to SS.

Drum2018 Tue 17-Sep-19 19:35:01

I'd be knocking on her door asking for it back. I wouldn't even have £30 in the house as I rarely have cash at home, but if I did the last thing I'd be doing is giving it to someone I don't even know. Why on earth would you not just call to her and tell her you need it back asap. She's a CF who obviously gets away with 'borrowing' money from people like you who are then too timid to call her out.

Witchinaditch Tue 17-Sep-19 19:35:49

@Jakeyblueblue I find these threads so strange, I’ve never ever been asked by anyone family, friends, or neighbors for money! Does this really happen do people knock on their neighbors doors and ask for money? You may have to accept that you will never see that money again and you will have to replace the £30 out of your own pocket as your child shouldn’t have to be down £30. Sorry OP it sounds like your kindness has been taken advantage of. It’s lovely there are kind and generous people in this world like you and crap there are selfish entitled takers like this school mum.

KMoKMo Tue 17-Sep-19 19:36:46

Do not do what @MT2017 said

On a day her husband is there, I would mention it to him. She is a CF.

You have no idea of her situation and she may be a DV victim. I’d ask for it back and see her reaction.
I don’t see the problem with telling school. If she is struggling to feed her kids school may have already noticed and it helps them build a picture of home life.

Noqont Tue 17-Sep-19 19:37:36

I'd go and knock on the door and ask for it back. It's your money.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Tue 17-Sep-19 19:39:10

I'd at least ask for the money back. You're not likely to get it but by not asking you are giving her the excuse of 'she forgot'.

Templetonstunafish Tue 17-Sep-19 19:39:24

£30 is a lot for dinner if she got paid the next day! I would think probably some addiction problem & mention to school or ss. I don't think you'll get your money back though if that is the case.

Mushypeasandchipstogo Tue 17-Sep-19 19:41:16

Report, report report! Please inform the school of this.

bobstersmum Tue 17-Sep-19 19:41:24

I bet rarely have cash in the house as I use my card for everything, so I wouldn't have been able to lend it to her, I would have given her some food though. I would definitely ask for it back op!

x2boys Tue 17-Sep-19 19:41:27

£30 is a lot of money for 1 tea for the kids but I wouldn't bringing up.the fact you know other people have lent her money it might cause an argument you don't need ,speak to the s school by all.means if your worried and let them deal with it .

ashtrayheart Tue 17-Sep-19 19:43:37

Unless there are other suspicions about neglect/safeguarding concerns I'm not convinced the school would be interested tbh.

ragged Tue 17-Sep-19 19:43:41

She's a user. Never lend money to people who say they desperately need it, is my only advice. That's money you'll never see again.

Thesearmsofmine Tue 17-Sep-19 19:43:50

Please don’t ask her in front of her husband, my first thought was possibly in a controlling/DV situation. Or she might just be a CF but I wouldn’t want to risk it.

Babybel90 Tue 17-Sep-19 19:44:02

As you don’t even know her name I wouldn’t have had any hesitation in saying just saying no to the request in the first place.

I think mentally you’ll have to write it off but why not knock on her door and ask for it back, and when she (inevitably) doesn’t have it make a big song and dance about how you need it, then send round your DH or someone who you know won’t take no for an answer.

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