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DD invited as a last resort

(115 Posts)
Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:30:44

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

Anothernotherone Wed 18-Sep-19 06:03:25

Although as starlight says perhaps she's communicated very badly that it's a whole school class party... I suppose the entertainer or venue if the hall is small might have number limits (do entertainers care?)

Whole school class party and capacity for other friends only if school classmates decline is not a snub but if it is the case there has been a communication failure!

Anothernotherone Wed 18-Sep-19 05:51:01

Lizzylozzy444 it is weirder at a 30+ kids church hall set up! Although at 6 children should be choosing their own invitees not having to accept their mum's friend's children being invited over and above friends they've made independently at school, clubs and locally. In a church hall though there's be capacity for the child's own independent friends and mum's mate's children you'd have thought...

Odd, yes, in that case really very strange and quite rude. Very different to an expensive per head limited numbers "activity" party.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 17-Sep-19 20:49:04

30+ kids and your dd didn’t make the cut first time despite their dcs being invited to your dds party. I though it was a much smaller affair. shock

OooErMissus Tue 17-Sep-19 20:39:09

At the age of 6, I would say the 'duty' invitation is to the child of my 30+ year friend.

Besides, that still doesn't explain the public reserve list, posted for all to see, with the OP's DD right at the very bottom!

OMGshefoundmeout Tue 17-Sep-19 20:17:50

If they are friends but not school friends I can see what’s happened here. Etiquette and proper respect for little kids feelings decreed that everyone in the class had to be invited and ‘proper’ friends could only be included once the duty invitations had been declined.

NoTheresa Tue 17-Sep-19 20:12:10

It is very mean to have a Reserve List in any case. Who does the stupid woman think she is?

Tooner Tue 17-Sep-19 20:07:55

Blimey, terribly rude and self important putting a reserve list on fb for public view. If it was me and the invite involved a good friends child I would at least have forewarned my friend of the situation when the invites were first sent out.

I wouldn't be inviting her other children's to any more parties in the future but I would let my dd go if she wanted to. I wouldn't be able to help myself being decidedly cool towards supposed friend though.

Noeuf Tue 17-Sep-19 19:32:33

I've sent messages before saying we have a last minute space and <dc> would love little Jonny to come if he's free

I think it's better to be upfront and friendly

OooErMissus Tue 17-Sep-19 19:13:35

30+ kids to a church hall with entertainer?

It doesn't sound like the sort of party where it's going to be that much extra per child.

And they're only 6, where parties are bigger, and not contained to just good friends.

So - what would've happened if all the A-listers had accepted?

Your DD wouldn't have made the cut? How would that have played out - I mean, it's not like you wouldn't have known it was her birthday ... and that there'd be a party. confused

Your friend is weird.

Starlight456 Tue 17-Sep-19 18:48:05

Are you sure this isn’t a whole class party?

Aworldofmyown Tue 17-Sep-19 18:44:48

If they are not school friends then I kind of understand why she might be more of a reserve.

Not nice how you found out but tbh if she will enjoy I would still take her.

TheKarateKitty Tue 17-Sep-19 18:41:36

Kids are indeed friends, 30 plus children at a church hall set up.

In this case, I think her being placed on the reserve list is just plain rude or shows that she doesn’t view your friendship or the children’s the way you do.

@Lizzylozzy444 Are you letting her go? She can still have fun with so many kids, and she’s so little still and again doesn’t know.

I’m in agreement with a pp, don’t put a lot of energy into finding a perfect gift.

Drabarni Tue 17-Sep-19 18:40:23

Mine wouldn't want to go under those circumstances and if you don't say anything she's bound to find out.
what horrible people, your dd can do better.

Dollymixture22 Tue 17-Sep-19 18:31:47

Really odd waY to arrange a kids party. Public reserve lists 😂😂. Bonkers.

If the host was a good friend I would have to say how odd I found. The whole thing.

Does she usually struggle with social stuff? She must lurch from one social disaster to another😊

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 18:21:02

@Anothernotherone kids are 6. 30 plus kids invited to a church hall type of the set up with an entertainer

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 18:19:27

@OooErMissus sorry for lack of clarification, the children are friends. Not school friends though but see each other regularly.

Anothernotherone Tue 17-Sep-19 17:52:28

Lizzylozzy444 what's the party (50 kids in a church hall with an entertainer or 8 children doing laser tag/ build a bear). How old are the children?

It makes a massive difference.

Older children shouldn't have to invite mum's friend's children instead of their friends, toddlers don't care.

Reserve list for a massive hall party is shit, reserve list for something which costs £15+ per guest or a fixed high price for "up to" say 8 participants is eminently sensible.

Obviously as everyone keeps saying it was jaw dropping my tactless to actually point it DD was B list, but maybe it was foot in mouth - publishing the reserve list is hard to explain away unless there's any way she didn't realise it was public...

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:36:35

@HeadintheiClouds I'd already clicked on the tick to accept then scrolled down after that and realised she was on reserve. When you receive a Facebook invite on Events, you normally look at the date and time and then click yes/no/maybe without necessarily scrolling down the whole page. I wish I'd have looked first in hindsight!

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:32:28

@HeadintheiClouds what's with the confused face? I only very recently received the invitation via Facebook events. I thought the event had only just been organised. Scrolled down the page and saw it had in fact been planned ages and saw that the mum had listed confirmed attendees add then a list of other names (my DD included) who were reserve. I didn't know of this party until then.

CoinOperatedBoy Tue 17-Sep-19 17:32:26

^^ doesn't - obviously!

CoinOperatedBoy Tue 17-Sep-19 17:30:57

The reserve list makes sense.

But I think it's VERY rude (either that or just plain moronic) to post it in a group where all the other parents can see it. It'll just cause a lot of unneccessary bitchyness. I hope party girl/boy start talking about it at school "You were top, you were bottom" etc etc. Ugh.

AutumnFabreeze Tue 17-Sep-19 17:29:20

I've had stuff like this. Ask DD if she wants to go. Don't mention about being a reserve. If she really wants to go then let her. Going to these parties will strengthen her friendships with others.

I wouldn't be picking out some thoughtful gift though. Just something run of the mill.

I'd suck it up but not give her mum the time of day.

TheKarateKitty Tue 17-Sep-19 17:26:28

“I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.” confused

FlowerBasket Tue 17-Sep-19 17:25:06

Aw I know, but it's hard to accommodate all the kids you'd want to invite. It is unfortunate that the "reserve" list was made so obvious though. Nobody really wants to know they were not the first choice.

As a kid, I remember being invited by my friend's family to go with them to an event (like a theatre show). My friend's family were quite posh and I always got the impression they didn't think I was quite good enough/posh enough for their DD. I was pleased to be invited to the event and thought I must be in their good books to be invited. I was surprised however to find her parents were no more warm to me than usual. Then, during the event, my friend innocently told me straight that their first choice (another friend) had dropped out last minute and that's why I'd been invited otherwise I wouldn't have been. I was crushed... I just hope your DD doesn't know/realise she was on the "reserve list". Don't tell her or let her overhear it.

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:24:46

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong sorry I've just realised it's a typo, I meant DD not DS. I've had the siblings before at my daughters parties over the years.

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