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DD invited as a last resort

(115 Posts)
Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:30:44

Hello,
Just wanted to see what others think regarding this...
recently received a party invitation via Facebook Events very late last night. Party is for this Saturday coming for my daughter to attend. Very short notice but I'm always happy for her to attend parties and she enjoys them so I clicked the accept button. Then I noticed that the party event page had been set up in June and people on there had been RSVPing since then and there was something written about a reserve list and my daughters name was on the bottom it?! I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.
I find this a bit rude but I'm probably wrong, I don't know? I'd never do this to someone, or at least not tell them they were a second choice! I've always had the other child at DDs parties and their siblings and made them welcome!

namechangedbecauseithinkiabu Tue 17-Sep-19 13:32:18

It’s bloody rude! I’d not be sending her!

user1474894224 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:33:00

No one should ever be told they are a reserve. That is rude. (also though why would someone actually set up a birthday party event and send invites out in June for a party in September? - that seems crazy!)

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:33:51

@namechangedbecauseithinkiabu
Yes I'm starting to think the same!

Atlasta Tue 17-Sep-19 13:34:12

I'd find it very rude.
If she isn't on the preferred list then it can't be a very close friend.
How old is DD?
If she's young enough I'd decline and not mention it to her.

AppleKatie Tue 17-Sep-19 13:34:27

I wouldn’t be sending her either. How rude!

TinyMystery Tue 17-Sep-19 13:34:37

I don’t think it’s rude at all tbh. You have X number of children that the party can accommodate, you ask the child to pick X friends who they would most like to come, and some friends that they would also like if not possible. Your DD can’t be everyone’s best friend.

Paddy1234 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:34:36

God it would be great to just reject the invitation however if your DD would love to go just brave it out and accept.
You find that eventually just being blasé and easy going works
❤️ (but I would understand if you declined!)

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:36:25

@user1474894224 I know! I was oblivious it had been set up so early until I scrolled down the page. Whats more, I met the mum for coffee in August and she never mentioned it!

Stompythedinosaur Tue 17-Sep-19 13:36:46

It is a bit rude, but if your dd would enjoy it I would still go.

BarbariansMum Tue 17-Sep-19 13:37:03

Ds2 has been in this position and was aware of it. He still chose to go and had a good time. He is well aware that you cant always invite everyone to your party. I was a bit sniffy about it though.

Lockheart Tue 17-Sep-19 13:37:50

Well if for example they only have space / a budget for 10 but their child has 15 friends then I don't really see the problem of inviting other people when some drop out. It's just practicalities and logic and I don't think I'd have an issue with it.

The other option is to invite 15 and hope 5 drop out, which isn't a clever move. Rescinding an invitation is harder than extending a late one.

Your DD won't know the difference will she?

daisypond Tue 17-Sep-19 13:38:14

Very rude.

NWQM Tue 17-Sep-19 13:39:26

I think it's rude that the Mum just sent the 'spare' invite and didn't just get in touch & explain. If I had been you I'd have been happy then. it's the slightly sneaky aspect that seems off to me

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:39:37

@TinyMystery
I understand that there are number limits with kids parties, thats perfectly acceptable. I know she isn't going to be everyones best friend too!
It was the last resort feeling of it that got me. Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)

Moonsick Tue 17-Sep-19 13:41:59

I would find the ranking of friendships via a reserve list quite hurtful. The mother has certainly handled this birthday party organisation badly and in a short sighted way. These sort of lists should be kept private.

But you were happy to accept the invitation before you realised and your DD loves going to birthday parties so I'd probably swallow down my hurt and irritation and send her anyway. She doesn't have to know that she wasn't first pick. My children would have gone happily and enjoyed the party, whilst I would seethe about it privately.

Alternatively don't send her and do something fun with her on that day instead. I suspect you won't be the only one to not send their child.

These things are very useful for working out what sort of parent is a shallow idiot and which ones aren't. DS was once invited to a party that would have cost me £50+. I politely declined but it was a useful insight into the thought process of the parent.

LiveRightNow Tue 17-Sep-19 13:43:28

Mmmm to be honest my daughter often wants to invite more friends than we have space/budget for so it makes sense to invite people if spaces come up. It doesn't mean those people are not wanted there (they are very much wanted but I had to be harsh on numbers). That's very different to telling someone they are second best though. If your daughter wants to go and nobody is being mean about her being a "reserve" then I'd really not worry about it. (I do get why it's making you feel a bit put out though)

Moonsick Tue 17-Sep-19 13:45:05

I'd add, its not the last minute invitation that would have been the problem, its the 'reserve list' on the party page for all the other parents to see.

Morgan12 Tue 17-Sep-19 13:46:45

Well its rude as fuck but I'd let it go.

Don't let your DD miss out now because you're annoyed. Then this will become something huge between you and your friend.

But I wouldn't be so accommodating when you next have a party.

OccidentalPurist Tue 17-Sep-19 13:50:04

I have to agree with TinyMystery. Yes the mum sounds tactless, but that is how some people organise their DC's parties. Some don't get very sentimental or worry to much about hurting feelings unfortunately - it's just all about their child's big day.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it in front of your DD. If you think she'd enjoy it just let her go.

When my DD was in junior, two years in a row we invited a girl from her class to her birthday party whose birthday was two weeks afterwards. Both times she wasn't invited to this girls party. When I mentioned it to a close friend whose DD was going (they were neighbors) she just brushed it off and said it's just a numbers thing and not to take it personally.

I learned that if you grow a thicker skin, your DCs invariably will too smile

Anothernotherone Tue 17-Sep-19 13:51:33

The public reserve list is weird. It's not inviting your DD because someone has dropped out that's wrong, but publishing the fact on an event page every attendee has access to!

You can't always invite every child who's invited yours though - my middle child seems to be the default best friend for every new boy / shy or left out boy in his class. When he left primary the teacher had them all write little notes to every child in the class (just "good luck next year" to kids they weren't close to, personal messages to good friends, but everyone had to give everyone a piece of paper essentially) six different boys thanked DS for being their best friend, and he came home squirming because he hadn't realised that they saw him that way and had written far more generic notes to most of them and was worried he'd upset them. He is invited to lots of sleepover or event/ outing birthday parties, often with just 4 or 5 children (normal around here for older children/ pre teens) and can't invite everyone who's invited him when he has his own similar party. He's not "in the in crowd" he's more everyone's friend, but he can't be penalised for that by having to have a bowling party every year to accommodate everyone! We have invited "reserve list" guests if an invitee can't make it to parties with maximum capacity, but not displayed a list anywhere or told anyone that's what they are!

The way they've done this is weird but your DD didn't have to be invited just because you invited the child who's party it is. They may have been invited to 20+ parties this year and only be able to invite 10.

Windydaysuponus Tue 17-Sep-19 13:51:39

Send an appropriate gift from a B list guest....

thecatsthecats Tue 17-Sep-19 13:52:18

Eh. A group of girls I knew peripherally set up a hen do for one of them. Someone dropped out and there was a bed going free.

Somebody said 'why not invite cats, we always have a laugh?'

If I'd been too uptight to say yes, then I wouldn't have become closer to them all now.

VenusClapTrap Tue 17-Sep-19 13:53:14

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It isn’t always possible to invite everyone, and kids will always have friends they are closer to than others. It isn’t a snub. The woman has just been honest - nothing wrong with that from my perspective.

OooErMissus Tue 17-Sep-19 13:55:15

* Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)*

So are your kids genuinely friends, or are they friends because you and the Mum are friends?

What she's done by blatantly putting the B list up on the FB invitation is completely clueless... confused

But, I can see the other side of the story.

My best friend's eldest is the same as as mine, we live close by and spend a lot of time together as families. We've always invited each other's DC to birthday parties.

But they're getting to an age where the parties are smaller and more about good friends, and I'm conscious that my DC won't necessarily genuinely want best friend's DC there - and vice versa.

That's kind of understandable, surely.

Booboostwo Tue 17-Sep-19 13:55:35

Having a reserve list is understandable if there are limited funds and/or limited spaces...making the reserve list public is unforgivable!

Chloemol Tue 17-Sep-19 13:59:29

It’s rude. And now you know not to invite her children of any more of your parties

Shittiestdayinalongtime Tue 17-Sep-19 14:00:43

Hmm, the public reserve bit is rude. However, we had a small party where we could only invite a handful. So when one person said no, we asked another person.

Cheeseandwin5 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:01:03

I am not sure what you are upset about?
Is it that you think your DD should be the first on everyones list?
That some parties can only have a limited amount of people?
That they shouldn't have invited your dd when they had the space?

I suppose they could have put it more tactfully but they were being truthful, and to be honest you are BU and probably hypocritical too.
You need to put side your sense of entitlement and let your daughter go and enjoy herself.

PerfectPeony2 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:01:36

Wow she certainly has some awful social skills.

I wouldn’t take your daughter but don’t tell her why.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Tue 17-Sep-19 14:02:53

I think it depends on age and what sort of friendship the DC have. You and the other mother have been friends for decades, which makes me think that the children are situational friends, ie they get along fine but might not have chosen to be friends if the two mums weren't close. Both children are bound to have much closer friends each, and those friends would naturally be higher preference to be invited to the party. Your DD probably wouldn't care that she was on the reserve list.

I know when I was a child there were plenty of children of my parents' friends that I got along well enough with but didn't consider to be close friends. I would have gone along to a party of theirs and had fun but equally wouldn't have cared if I wasn't invited, whereas I might have felt hurt if a friend had a party and left me out.

checkeredredshorts Tue 17-Sep-19 14:03:18

I would say thanks but no thanks and bloody tell her why. Insensitive cow.

DarlingNikita Tue 17-Sep-19 14:04:08

Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties (the mum and I go back a long way, friends for 30 years plus)

That clinches it for me. She's rude and I'd be pissed off and upset.

Cheeseandwin5, this is not just a loose group of friends, is it? These are kids who are regularly invited by the OP, and the OP and the mum are friends of long standing. It's not a question of 'entitlement'.

BishBashBoshy Tue 17-Sep-19 14:04:35

It's very rude of her to keep such a public list and to actually tell you your daughter was only invited for numbers.

I think most people will have an idea of "reserves" and that's fine. I also think if you get invited at such short notice it's fair to assume you are on the reserve list but it's not right to make it so obvious.

I think if my daughter would enjoy it, I'd still send her.

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:08:12

Thanks for the replies
@Cheeseandwin5... Wow! I'm not entitled and as I've stated previously I Do fully understand and appreciate the limitations regarding children's birthday parties with budget restrictions and numbers. I'm not suggesting for a minute that my child should be invited to every single party every single year! As I've said, it was the last resort feeling that I was talking about. And publicly stating that my daughter was a second choice on the events page. I would not treat someone else in this way as it is plain rude and thoughtless. I respect your opinion and thank you for giving me a different perspective

dollydaydream114 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:08:54

I would find the ranking of friendships via a reserve list quite hurtful

Surely all kids have friends they are closer to than others, though, just because they play with them more often or whatever? They can't always invite every single person they play with when spaces are limited, so they'd pick the ones they're closest to and then if someone drops out they can invite someone else. Also, young kids are amazingly fickle with friendships sometimes - I bet the kids this child invited back in June aren't even necessarily her best friends any more!

Pretty sure when I was a child I went to the cinema or swimming at the last minute with a friend because another friend was ill or something and I think when I was due to have a friend over to play and they couldn't come at the last minute my mum would have said 'Tell you what, shall we see if so-and-so's home in case they want to come over?' and I never thought of them as a lesser friend.

Maybe the nature of the invitation in the OP's case was a bit tactless but 'hurtful' seems a bit much.

IamWaggingBrenda Tue 17-Sep-19 14:09:19

I don’t think it’s rude at all tbh. You have X number of children that the party can accommodate, you ask the child to pick X friends who they would most like to come, and some friends that they would also like if not possible. Your DD can’t be everyone’s best friend

I think you’ve missed the point. I think most people understand this point, but it IS rude to post a ‘reserve list’ where all the invitees can see it and it’s also rude to say they were waiting to wait for other invitees to decline before inviting her DD. Both of those could have been done without spelling it out to the OP.

ChicCroissant Tue 17-Sep-19 14:09:39

So this isn't someone your DD is at school with, it is a friend of yours?

If the children are school age I think they tend to invite their classmates first tbh. That would also explain the early setup as invites for a September party handed out at the start of term can go missing at what is a hectic time for parents!

But I don't think posting a reserve list on the group was a good idea (how did she do that?).

EssentialHummus Tue 17-Sep-19 14:09:41

The public reserve list is bananas. But if your daughter is happy to go then I'd let her.

DrinkFeckArseGirls Tue 17-Sep-19 14:09:51

Public reserve list is just shocking.

SallyWD Tue 17-Sep-19 14:10:06

Wow, I don't find this rude at all!! Parties are often strictly limited in numbers and often the party boy/girl isn't able to invite everyone they want to. If someone can't make it then of course they have "reserves" although they don't have to use that word. My daughter usually wants a party somewhere that costs about £15 per head. We simply can't afford more than 10 people so we have to limit her. There are always more than 10 people she wants to invite so if someone declines she's pleased she can invite someone else on the list. Just recently my DD was invited to a party the day before. The girl's mum told me my daughter had been "first reserve". I didn't mind at all, I wasn't offended. We've been in that situation so many times before that I understood.

ign0re Tue 17-Sep-19 14:10:40

Honestly something that annoyed me so much when I was younger was my mum getting involved in drama's like this and not just letting us kids be kids.

Ask your child if they want to go, if the answers yes, then she should go.

OooErMissus Tue 17-Sep-19 14:11:51

So you haven't clarified if the kids are genuinely friends, or just friends because you and the Mum are.

Anothernotherone Tue 17-Sep-19 14:12:07

DarlingNikita it depends how old the children are and how big the party is.

Children are not obligated to see their mother's friend's children as their close friends and it's right and proper that by age 6 or 7 they form their own friendships rather than being told by their mother who their friends are.

If it's a party for 30+ children you'd have a point, but not if it's a small party.

It's the public, published, nature of the reserve list that's wrong, nothing else.

Bloomburger Tue 17-Sep-19 14:14:03

DD has space for 10 at her party but she's got 12 friends she wants to attend, I. Hoping 2 of the ones who I'm not keen on can't come so the 2 on the reserve list I like can.

Don't see the issue with it.

TheNoodlesIncident Tue 17-Sep-19 14:14:18

In your shoes I'd let my dc go to the event but it's really, really bad form to publicise a 'B' list like that. Fair play to the mum if she hadn't - obviously budgets affect the size of the list of invitees and not everybody can be invited. Everyone gets that. But not putting up a list of not-yet-invited people that everyone can see! That's terrible!

I met the mum for coffee in August and she never mentioned it Because at that stage your dd wasn't invited and you would only have found out about it on FB (if you'd looked).

YANBU, it's shockingly poor manners to do that. (Not having a list of spares, just publicising it...)

Antibles Tue 17-Sep-19 14:14:29

Publishing a reserve list is a bit odd but I honestly wouldn't be upset about this overall. Your daughter has been invited.

Places are often limited. Maybe your DD and this child aren't best friends, but she's still thought of her and wants her to come now there is a space. This is a good thing!

The mum clearly doesn't mean to be offensive or she wouldn't have been perfectly open with you about this. She's just doing her best to manage this very standard situation.

I've also had to make tough guest choices, and in exchange have happily accepted late invitations on behalf of my children.

Do you not offer out later invitations to other kids when someone else can't make it?

Birdsfoottrefoil Tue 17-Sep-19 14:16:19

I would be tempted to reply that we were still wondering what to do on the Saturday but if we decided not to do anything then dd might come along.

FindusCrispyPancakes Tue 17-Sep-19 14:16:29

That's really rude, not so much doing that, but doing it so that people are aware who are the A and B-listers.

If it was you that was invited I'd be saying screw them, but as it's your child who loves a good party, I'd take them.

Birdsfoottrefoil Tue 17-Sep-19 14:17:10

Would probably just ask dd though and if she wanted to go then accept the invite graciously

TheKarateKitty Tue 17-Sep-19 14:19:52

I don’t know why people keep going on about the reserve, limited space etc. People with kids know that, anyone that’s hosted anything knows that.

It doesn’t seem at all that itself is the issue, and as OP hosts, she must know about limited numbers.

She’s upset, a bit as she said, at the public posting of the plan B list, and that the other mum verbally confirmed it.

No, limiting the number of guests isn’t rude.

The thing to do would be to not have the list public, nor say “oh yeah, someone else dropped out so you’re/your kid is filler.” Because that’s essentially what happened.

She should have kept that list to herself, just said that she’s glad to have her, and left it at that, when OP said thank you.

@Lizzylozzy444 just shrug it off and send your DD so she can have fun. She won’t know.

Moonsick Tue 17-Sep-19 14:22:38

Dollydaydream114 -

The reserve list is public. It’s on the party Facebook page so all the other parents can see it. The OP can see her child was the very very last on the list, ranked under all the other reserves. The OP knows this woman and her children and has had them at her own children’s birthday parties. So yes, quite hurtful.

The last minute invitation is something that happens and I have no problem with when it’s handled well. This wasn’t.

mcmooberry Tue 17-Sep-19 14:25:53

What sort of party is it? I have RTFT so sorry if I missed it. If something with a definite restriction in numbers/very expensive per head then I would be more understanding especially if they are not at the same school. The public reserve list though....

RIBlue Tue 17-Sep-19 14:26:12

Don’t really see the problem with this; my partner is on the reserve list for a friend of mines wedding next year, she only knows him via me and has only met him a handful of times.

She’ll let us a know the week before, if he makes the cut great, if not he can be my taxi driver (also great!).

Both he and I consider this completely reasonable!

coolestmum Tue 17-Sep-19 14:35:36

I don't think its rude. My ds recently had a birthday party which allowed him to take 4 friends. I had paid for spaces for 5 children. Two of them dropped out a couple days before, so I asked ds if he wanted to invite 2 other friends in their place, which he did. They were delighted, they all had a good time. I don't see the issue.
Likewise dd was once invited somewhere last minute because it was a paid for event per head and a child had dropped out which freed up a space for her to go. We were not offended at being 'second choice'. It didn't even cross our minds we were second choice, just that there were limited spaces and dd was now lucky to be able to go. Its a kids party ffs.

Drum2018 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:37:54

Especially as Ive always had her 3 kids at all my sons parties

Well you'll know not to have party guest's siblings at your kids parties from now on. People take the piss. Your friend clearly doesn't care that you might be put out by her rudeness. It's time to stop being so accommodating when it's your child birthday.

ForeverAlone1987 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:40:22

Although it has come across rude, it is a thing where having a certain amount of children to be there and the child has most likely said who he/she wants to be there. Like at my sons soft play party, he can only invite 25 kids (rules of the place), and theres 30 kids in his class, so I would be inclined to say that I would do the same, but I probably would have worded it different to be honest. Sometimes you have to think outside the box, as I have learnt x

Beautiful3 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:46:23

We had this too. At first I was confused but realised that the party invitation was in 3 days! I declined. I spoke to others at school and realised the same day she pulled her two children out of the party was the same day mine got invited. My husband said ask the kids, if they want to go then go. But I told him the party was 17 miles away and I didn't have time to buy a present. I declined.

NoSauce Tue 17-Sep-19 14:48:53

Odd of the mum to tell you but I would still send DD if she wants to go.

milliefiori Tue 17-Sep-19 14:51:31

I think it's understandable if numbers are limited. DC invite their close friends but then if some can't come they invite other people they like but know less well.

whyayepetal Tue 17-Sep-19 14:52:56

In your shoes, I would let DD go if you think she would enjoy it. Wouldn't be spending a lot on the present, and wouldn't be inviting all of the party child's siblings to the next party for my DD either. As PP have said, reserve lists handled tactfully are something most people do to some extent, but this FB publication business is something else, and so hurtful from someone you clearly see as a close friend. If your DD goes, I hope she has a wonderful time flowers

BumbleBeee69 Tue 17-Sep-19 14:53:12

I'd tell her to Ram her Party invite where the sun don't shine. grin

CatFaceCats Tue 17-Sep-19 14:54:30

I’ve often done this when we’ve done smaller birthday parties - but I’ve asked the parents first, before I’ve set up any sort of FB page. Usually all parents are pretty good at attending or not the FB event page pretty much straight away. So if I do get a no, I’ll add someone else pretty quickly. I certainly wouldn’t have a reserve list on display!
My kids were also last minute invited to a neighbours bowling party - they are at different schools so I wouldn’t have expected one at all. She messaged the morning and explained she had 2 spare spaces if my children wanted to go. So they went, I wasn’t offended in the slightest.

Waffleswaffles Tue 17-Sep-19 14:55:48

What's really rude and inconsiderate is to have a "reserve list" on FB for everyone to see!

NoTheresa Tue 17-Sep-19 14:56:33

Decline. It’s not acceptable behaviour and anyone who thinks it is had no manners, frankly.

NoTheresa Tue 17-Sep-19 14:56:45

...has no

TheDarkPassenger Tue 17-Sep-19 14:56:48

I mean what she did was practical, but cunty to let you know your dad is reserve.. you keep that shit to yourself man!

Be the bigger person though, if your daughter wants to go just go, it’s not the kids fault mum is ridiculous

sailingclosetothewind Tue 17-Sep-19 14:57:15

That is outrageously rude, and very very embarrassing.

No child of mine would be attending a party where she was listed at the bottom of the public 'reserve' list!! Absolutely over my dead body.

Please teach children self respect!

They should not be grateful for being at the bottom of some snotty kid's party list!! No way. I am so insulted for you op. I would not be telling dd about the party, say she was invited but you are busy, and tell this mother unfortunately something more interesting has come up and you won't be attending after all.

WTAF! I am really shocked, and though I had seen/heard it all in the last 15 years clearly not!

MyNameIsIrrelevant Tue 17-Sep-19 14:57:50

Definitely rude!
Don't let your DD know this please!

MyNameIsIrrelevant Tue 17-Sep-19 14:59:18

Ouch, just seen your old friends too. Really bad form on her part!
My old friends have kids the same age as mine and are first choice not last resort!

PablosHoney Tue 17-Sep-19 15:00:58

This happened to my daughter, invited the day before to a expensive 'per head' water inflatable party thing due to sickness, we knew she was a fill in but she went and enjoyed it. I was surprised she wasn't initially invited but I get the impression the parent thought she'd be too timid or something.

NoTheresa Tue 17-Sep-19 15:05:54

Charming and horribly judgmental.

Lweji Tue 17-Sep-19 15:11:02

What kind of thick arse sets up a party event page with reserve lists?

Unless you've told your child about it, I'd decline. Particularly because it's your friend's child party and not a school mate.

Daphnesmate Tue 17-Sep-19 15:13:21

I am surprised the list was so public. I am limiting the number invited to dd's party (cannot physically accommodate) there are a few children in reserve if invitees cannot attend. The invites our going out in a very low key way, hopefully no-one need ever find out that they are actually on the reserve list, just that their invites went out a bit late. It does happen, just usually not so overtly.

Bobthefishermanswife Tue 17-Sep-19 15:15:15

I don't think your daughter being a reserve invitee is rude as they can only accommodate x children.
I do however think the reserve list being on the Facebook page for all to see is rude.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong Tue 17-Sep-19 15:19:32

I'm a bit confused as to the friendships. You say you've invited this woman's 3 DCs to all your son's parties, yet this particular invitation is to your DD. Do the other DCs usually come to your DDs parties? Are they close to her? Was your DS invited to this party? I get that you're a long standing friend to the mother, but are the kids really that close?

That aside, I think publishing the A list and B list on the event page is bad form.

UnderHisEyeBall Tue 17-Sep-19 15:27:49

The main issue here is publishing the reserve list.

You can deal with situations like this delicately, but this is plain nasty.

TheTurn0fTheScrew Tue 17-Sep-19 16:02:52

I never mind about my DC or me being on the reserve list.
One of the best weddings I've been to was when we (just friends of friends really) were upgraded from evening guests to full day due to a late cancellation. Even if people are polite enough not to be explain the details (and publishing the list is definitely off), a last minute invitation is dead giveaway. DC always want more guests than money/space will allow.

In fact I think this is commonplace enough that I make sure to RSVP really quickly if we can't attend something, so that someone else can be invited without it seeming too obvious.

FishCakesFishCakesLovelyLovely Tue 17-Sep-19 16:09:53

Good lesson in resilience and understanding, I reckon.
For you and your DD!

Let her choose if she wants to go on those terms or not (personally I think you should have asked her first before you clicked 'yes'!).

OMGshefoundmeout Tue 17-Sep-19 16:14:01

I’ve been a B list invitee occasionally as an adult. It honestly doesn’t bother me, in fact I think sometimes I was more like a D or E lister. If someone books a hall or restaurant or has a house/budget that that can only fit 20 guests then they can only invite 20 guests no matter how many more people they might like to attend. In fact in my experience the majority of the first 20 invitees are the people you ‘have’ to invite like inlaws and cousins and colleagues. Once these duty invitations are declined than you can move on to the more fun people.

That being said, the mum was very thoughtless to make it so obvious. A certain amount of discretion is always tactful in these situations.

Mummyoflittledragon Tue 17-Sep-19 16:14:23

I think it was really insensitive to publish the list of the attendees full stop let alone reserves. Dd was invited as a last minute to a party when she was about 6. The mum was upfront and I was fine with that.

Your dd wants to go, I’d let her go. Having a public list of reserves says more about your friend than it does about your dd. Are you going to say anything to her after the event or just let it go and make a mental note?

Butterfly84 Tue 17-Sep-19 16:17:24

Reserve list??? Wtf. Is this some exclusive red carpet event? Are these children on the reserve list as actors for a theatre performance?

A reserve list for a child's party is bonkers. I would not be taking my child to this party, full stop.

HeadintheiClouds Tue 17-Sep-19 16:22:43

They posted the reserve lit’s on Facebook? Seriously? And you only saw it after you’d accepted? 🤔

Flicketyflack Tue 17-Sep-19 16:28:30

We had this in y6
Fortunately my son had something else on so we declined
I only found out that he was second to be asked after he told me his friend had been invited with a paper invitation (I had a text). DS was not shocked as the lad does this all the time!
I am hoping for Karma to kick in now he is a Secondary school because older children won't tolerate thiswink

TriDreigiau Tue 17-Sep-19 16:40:59

Having a reserve list is understandable if there are limited funds and/or limited spaces...making the reserve list public is unforgivable!

^^ This.

If she was happy go and would enjoy it I'd send her - but I think it would affect how I view things with this mother going forward,

TragicallyUnbeyachted Tue 17-Sep-19 16:52:46

It's not rude to have a reserve list where there's a ceiling on numbers. It's rude to make it public , which is effectively what she's done by setting the event up this way on Facebook.

But your DD and hers shouldn't suffer because she's rude/clueless.

leiaskye Tue 17-Sep-19 16:53:50

My daughter has always had a reserve list (August birthday) but I wouldn’t dream of letting the kids on it know!

Msmayhem Tue 17-Sep-19 16:57:20

Even if she was on the reserve list, which in itself is rude, the last thing I'd do would be to tell her. If it were me in her position I probably wouldn't go, but if she wants to then she should go. And enjoy it.

Shopkinsdoll Tue 17-Sep-19 17:00:41

I think it’s very rude, even saying that is bloody rude! It’s a hard one though, I would just send her so she’s not missing out. But I can understand if you decide not too. Five pounds in a card. Nothing more. She didn’t have to tell you that though.

WonderWomansSpin Tue 17-Sep-19 17:20:55

Could she possibly have posted the list by accident? I'm struggling to believe someone would be that rude.
I think it's obvious that your DD made the list because you and the mum are friends, not because the DCs are. That might be worth bearing in mind going forward.

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:24:46

@TheRobinIsBobbingAlong sorry I've just realised it's a typo, I meant DD not DS. I've had the siblings before at my daughters parties over the years.

FlowerBasket Tue 17-Sep-19 17:25:06

Aw I know, but it's hard to accommodate all the kids you'd want to invite. It is unfortunate that the "reserve" list was made so obvious though. Nobody really wants to know they were not the first choice.

As a kid, I remember being invited by my friend's family to go with them to an event (like a theatre show). My friend's family were quite posh and I always got the impression they didn't think I was quite good enough/posh enough for their DD. I was pleased to be invited to the event and thought I must be in their good books to be invited. I was surprised however to find her parents were no more warm to me than usual. Then, during the event, my friend innocently told me straight that their first choice (another friend) had dropped out last minute and that's why I'd been invited otherwise I wouldn't have been. I was crushed... I just hope your DD doesn't know/realise she was on the "reserve list". Don't tell her or let her overhear it.

TheKarateKitty Tue 17-Sep-19 17:26:28

“I messaged the mum and thanked her for the lovely invitation and she replied saying sorry it was short notice but she was waiting to see if there was space for my DD if someone else declined their invitation.” confused

AutumnFabreeze Tue 17-Sep-19 17:29:20

I've had stuff like this. Ask DD if she wants to go. Don't mention about being a reserve. If she really wants to go then let her. Going to these parties will strengthen her friendships with others.

I wouldn't be picking out some thoughtful gift though. Just something run of the mill.

I'd suck it up but not give her mum the time of day.

CoinOperatedBoy Tue 17-Sep-19 17:30:57

The reserve list makes sense.

But I think it's VERY rude (either that or just plain moronic) to post it in a group where all the other parents can see it. It'll just cause a lot of unneccessary bitchyness. I hope party girl/boy start talking about it at school "You were top, you were bottom" etc etc. Ugh.

CoinOperatedBoy Tue 17-Sep-19 17:32:26

^^ doesn't - obviously!

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:32:28

@HeadintheiClouds what's with the confused face? I only very recently received the invitation via Facebook events. I thought the event had only just been organised. Scrolled down the page and saw it had in fact been planned ages and saw that the mum had listed confirmed attendees add then a list of other names (my DD included) who were reserve. I didn't know of this party until then.

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 17:36:35

@HeadintheiClouds I'd already clicked on the tick to accept then scrolled down after that and realised she was on reserve. When you receive a Facebook invite on Events, you normally look at the date and time and then click yes/no/maybe without necessarily scrolling down the whole page. I wish I'd have looked first in hindsight!

Anothernotherone Tue 17-Sep-19 17:52:28

Lizzylozzy444 what's the party (50 kids in a church hall with an entertainer or 8 children doing laser tag/ build a bear). How old are the children?

It makes a massive difference.

Older children shouldn't have to invite mum's friend's children instead of their friends, toddlers don't care.

Reserve list for a massive hall party is shit, reserve list for something which costs £15+ per guest or a fixed high price for "up to" say 8 participants is eminently sensible.

Obviously as everyone keeps saying it was jaw dropping my tactless to actually point it DD was B list, but maybe it was foot in mouth - publishing the reserve list is hard to explain away unless there's any way she didn't realise it was public...

Lizzylozzy444 Tue 17-Sep-19 18:19:27

@OooErMissus sorry for lack of clarification, the children are friends. Not school friends though but see each other regularly.

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