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DH has a 'spank bank'...

(205 Posts)
PosySimmons Tue 17-Sep-19 10:25:44

We've been married for four years and together for seven.

DH recently photographed some ID docs of his I needed for an application form and emailed them to me. I need to resend them and couldn't find the email so had a quick look at recent docs on his laptop (which I often use, we don't have passwords to keep stuff secret from each other).

The newest folder was called New Folder and set up around the date he sent me these docs (a few days ago), so I opened one of the images in it (not named, so whatever file ref was assigned when it was saved).

It was a naked photo of one of his ex girlfriends. And pretty explicit at that.

There were lots of other photos, all put in the folder on the same date. I hovered over them for a few second but decided I didn't really need to see them to guess what they were. And frankly I don't want to see naked photos of an ex. Nor, I expect, would she want me to see them.

Am I BU to think this is pretty gross? They're not old pictures he forgot about, they have been very recently rearranged into a new file that was at the top of his recent documents.

I don't know how outraged I should be. I think I mainly feel disappointed in him for being, well, a bit grim and cheap. And kind of upset that he has no respect for either of us. The thought of any of my exes having a quick tug over images of me makes my skin crawl.

Is this just something men do?

For reference, we don't have much of a sex life at the moment tbh. We have a small child, I've had loads of surgery over the last couple of years, and life's a bit stressful. DH has intimated that he'd like more sex, but hasn't made any effort to make me feel more inclined. I can't spend all day cleaning up after him and a toddler, spend little time together doing anything other than parenting and boring life admin and suddenly feel like a shagfest at bedtime.

No matter how 'deprived' he feels (which in itself is a thought that gives me the creeps - I'm not depriving him of a marital rights, we don't live in medieval England) AIBU to feel even less like DTD any time soon?

FFS. I thought he was better than this.

ThePrioryGhost Tue 17-Sep-19 10:27:06

You need to talk to him, OP.



MrsPellegrinoPetrichor Tue 17-Sep-19 10:27:39

Nope, that would be a deal breaker for me tbh.

NewStart571 Tue 17-Sep-19 10:27:40

That is very wrong imo. Especially if it’s pictures of his ex.

Pinkdoor Tue 17-Sep-19 10:27:45

I think it's ok to have photos of someone while you're with them but I would expect a decent chap to delete old photos.

nonmerci Tue 17-Sep-19 10:28:42

Nope, this is not normal. Sorry OP, I’d be fuming and would contemplate leaving.

SparklyMagpie Tue 17-Sep-19 10:30:06

Deal breaker for me

minesagin37 Tue 17-Sep-19 10:30:13

Urghh Id be off op!

AmIRightOrAMeringue Tue 17-Sep-19 10:31:04

This is awful OP and not normal.

Looking at random women eg porn where there is anonymity is pretty normal and normally about the act rather than the person

Looking at pictures of an ex is completely disrespectful, its reminiscing about acts they used to do together. It would actually be a deal breaker for me, I'd be so hurt. And it's not like he has just stumbled over an old picture and its brought back memories, it's a new folder he has set up. Are you sure it's an old picture and he isn't back in touch with her?

I'm sorry OP and I would be looking through the rest of the pictures to check if there were any of anyone else and that they were old

femidom12 Tue 17-Sep-19 10:31:05

What a wanker....

Johnjoeseph Tue 17-Sep-19 10:32:25

Oh that's a horrible thing to find OP flowers honestly this would be enough to make me leave. The mere thought of my DH doing this makes my skin crawl. Sorry OP...

AmIRightOrAMeringue Tue 17-Sep-19 10:32:34

Also if you confront him do not let him tell you it's your fault as he has needs or any such bullshit. Everyone has needs but not everyone keeps photos of their ex when they should have binned them and uses them in their current relationship.

PooWillyBumBum Tue 17-Sep-19 10:32:51

Oof. I don’t mind porn and am very laid back generally but this would really upset me. When I opened this I thought it’d be glamour models or similar, but this is really disrespectful both to you and to his ex.

When DH and I first got together he was sorting through his laptop to sell it and found some explicit photos of ex which he then deleted. He was then deliberating over whether to message her and let her know they were gone in case she ever worried about it or if it’d just make things awkward. In the end he said nothing. Keeping them and looking at them is ungentlemanly as best.

Are you going to talk to him about it?

BarbedBloom Tue 17-Sep-19 10:33:20

That would be a deal breaker for me. I don't care about porn, but photos of an ex is just gross. My DH still had some when we first got together mixed in with his photos. He was showing me some old photos when one came up. He had forgotten and deleted them as soon as he realised. If he had had any other reaction I would have split up with him

Johnjoeseph Tue 17-Sep-19 10:34:07

I'd also make sure I looked at all the photos, who knows who he had in there and how recent they are? As painful as it would be I couldn't not look.

Yeahsurewhatever Tue 17-Sep-19 10:34:56

I'd be off.
I feel like watching porn or something would still do the job for him. It doesn't need to be an ex gf that he's looking at. It's disrespectful to you both.
I know people have different opinions on porn - but what I mean is that he could reach his goal, without it being an image someone he used to be intimate with.

Sounds like an immaturity issue and a bit of a crisis.
Married with a baby and no sex. Thinking back to his youth and the great sex and no responsibility that all came with the ex

HaveIGoneMad Tue 17-Sep-19 10:36:14

Pictures of porn stars wouldn't be an issue for me but an ex? That would be a major nope! I think you need to have a word with him, and as others have said check the other pictures. You probably don't want to see them but the fact that he's kept them (hopefully they are all old) and obviously still looks at them shows a major lack of respect for you.

Reinga Tue 17-Sep-19 10:38:36

I was fully prepared to tell you that yabu, until I realised that the photos are of his ex!
Photos of some random from the internet are completely different to keeping intimate photos of a person you have had a relationship with.
It's a betrayal of you and his ex too as I cant imagine that she would be happy to know that her ex is wanking over her personal pictures.

butterandbread Tue 17-Sep-19 10:40:52

Same as PP, porn wouldn’t bother me at all, but photos of an ex would feel like a huge betrayal to me. It’s also rather disgusting that he’s kept images after they’ve split up, assuming it is an old photo.

Not to worry you, but are you sure it isn’t recent? It seems odd that he would search out or find an old photo to then arrange that and more into a new folder. Especially on a shared laptop, goodness me!

BlackCatSleeping Tue 17-Sep-19 10:41:44

Oh, weird. I would have thought looking at Exes is more acceptable than porn as at least you know they were willing and not coerced.

AlphaBravoCharlieDelta Tue 17-Sep-19 10:42:49

Porn - fine (not my bag but whatever)

Ex - grim as fuck, total betrayal of your relationship.

MissPepper8 Tue 17-Sep-19 10:43:38

I'd expect your usual porn but pictures of his ex is really disrespectful to you, that should of gone when they split up and certainly when he got with you.

Not sure what I'd do, I'd certainly check that they were old photos. Not sure if I'd be tempted to delete them myself and see what he has to say then cause you'd know he's gone back to look at them.

CaptainObviousTwo Tue 17-Sep-19 10:44:26

Deal breaker for me too.

HennyPennyHorror Tue 17-Sep-19 10:44:28

I'd be horrified and I'm pretty laid back and not very insecure at all.

The idea of my husband wanking to pictures of his ex? That's just creepy surely?

Sorry OP. sad

WarshipWarrior Tue 17-Sep-19 10:45:01

I'd be ok with this if it was just general porn but photos of his EX?! NO WAY! even if it was just porn I'd still have a conversation along the lines of "I've found this, I guess you want more sex - youd probably get more if you didnt act like a second child around the house and I wasnt therefore permanently exhausted" and go from there. But photos of his ex? I would be showing him the door.

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