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WIBU to find comments innapropriate for a 3 year old?

(61 Posts)
HaveIGoneMad Mon 16-Sep-19 09:52:10

I apologise for the very long post. So bit of backstory, I've had issues with my FIL saying things that I've felt were a bit rude/close to the mark before but mostly kept my mouth shut for the sake of keeping the peace. Things such as comments about what I do all day (I have a weekend job but otherwise I'm a stay at home parent because it works best for us in terms of childcare), comments about me having had a c-section (without which both I and my daughter would have died and I'm already struggling to come to terms with - that's a whole other topic entirely) and just general little digs that are subtle enough to be misconstrued or said out of earshot of my partner. But these comments are said to me a grown adult who can ignore it if needs be.

Yesterday however things were said to my 3 year old. We were out at a restaurant, firstly she is only very recently toilet trained and realised that she needed a wee and so panicked and quite loudly announced that she really needed a wee to us all. I took her no problem she did her wee I congratulated her for realising and telling me in time and that was done, we walk out and immediately my FIL tells her "you didn't have to tell the whole restaurant". She is 3 and she panicked, I brushed it off, congratulated her for telling me again and didn't comment to avoid an argument. Then he took her toy away from her while she was playing nicely and refused to give it back until she said please, he snatched it off her first and then when she did say please he made a big thing about teaching her manners (she has beautiful manners which lots of people comment on and there was no need for that). I said nothing because I was expecting my partner to say something - he was oblivious to the situation. By this point I'm getting very wound up. We talk about her nursery and she has a male friend who he asks if it's her boyfriend 🤨 I know that alot of people make light of this and it's not a massive deal but I personally don't agree with asking that of a 3 year old who doesn't understand the meaning. He then spills his drink and leaves it all over the table, I tell him his drink has spilt, my 3 year old notices this and grabs a napkin and wipes it up, to which he comments: "you'll make someone a good wife one day" to which I reply, quite politely with a smile, that "actually i'm sure her future partner will be more than capable of cleaning up after themselves" at which point he acts quite affronted and says well it's just a saying.

He also seemed to get fed up when my admittedly rather clingy baby began crying when he held her. I can settle her best, not that I think I'm better than anyone else but she is only a tiny baby and obviously wants her mummy. He really seems to have an issue with that though and was coming up with all sorts of reasons such as - she can see her dad better, and it's the position your holding her in, and she can see the TV. No! It's just because I'm her mummy and she knows my heartbeat and smell and voice and finds that comforting. I put her down in the pram finally settled and he plays peek-a-boo by loudly shouting in a really agressive rougher than normal voice BOO right in her face. That would probably make me cry let alone a tiny baby.
Then when I settled her again, he got right in her face to take a picture and comments: oh so you can be cute when your not screaming. Gaaaahhhhhh!! AIBU to think a grown man should know better? My partner thinks I'm too sensitive to some things which I possibly am, I do have some MH issues which could cloud my judgement.

EerieSilence Mon 16-Sep-19 10:01:27

He's a cunty troglodyte - just be protective of your daughter, she's your priority, not the feelings of some old man. You dealt with the situation in the restaurant in an excellent way and if he keeps commenting like that, just tell him you find his comments about boyfriends inappropriate and tell your DD that Grandpa is a bit old-fashioned and not to take him seriously.
The peek-a-boo play is way out of line and he shouldn't be doing it.
YANBU

Sunshineface123 Mon 16-Sep-19 10:06:03

Urgh he sounds an absolute royal pain in the bum. You sound like you handled it well. Feel sorry for your three year old having toy taken off her and having to beg for it back! Avoid situations like this in future, especially if your DH isn't going to speak up. Wonder what FILs problem is?

AllyBamma Mon 16-Sep-19 10:06:43

You need to stop being polite and protect your daughter. More of the kind of reply you said about the wife comment - perfect! But I would be putting him in his place and plainly tell him he is being inappropriate every single time. He’ll soon get the message. And you need a stern word with your partner about the way his father is speaking to you both.

DoctorAllcome Mon 16-Sep-19 10:12:00

He’s perfectly harmless grumpy old man. Everyone knows elderly people say stuff that was acceptable when dinosaurs roamed the earth but are not acceptable now. At some point, usually after retirement, adults just do not keep up with political correctness trends.
I’d just put up with it as he means well and it is just the usual cringe stuff.

maslinpan Mon 16-Sep-19 10:14:02

Horrible man. Now he has started saying dubious things to your children and behaving like an arse, it's time to pick him up on his nasty comments to you. Next time he says something snide about your C-section, what you do with your time, repeat it loudly and clearly. Pause, and be as blunt as you like in your response. The repeating back shows that you understand exactly what he has said and you are not brushing it off. Show that you won't tolerate his criticism of you and he may back off from your children too.

ISmellBabies Mon 16-Sep-19 10:15:09

Eugh what a disgusting pig.

dollydaydream114 Mon 16-Sep-19 10:15:23

He sounds like a boorish twat. Most of it I would just find irritating rather than 'inappropriate' (eg I think the 'is he your boyfriend' comment is annoying but really not that big a deal) but the business with taking your daughter's toy away is just nasty.

My mum describes a family acquaintance as 'one of those people who can't seem to play with his grandkids without slightly bullying them' - the type who thinks the only way to interact with kids is to tease them. I can't stand those people and your FIL is clearly one of those types.

I suspect he knows his sexism annoys you and that he makes the comments about future wives and all that crap deliberately to wind you up. He sounds like a massive twat.

mbosnz Mon 16-Sep-19 10:17:42

I feel your pain. That sounds very like my FFIL, albeit, add in the racist, xenophobic, and Islamophobic diatribes. He is a complete tosser with enough chips on both shoulders to keep a MaccyD's in stock for a year, who thinks I am inferior to him, while having an inferiority complex of his own. Oh, and is a right dodgy bugger to boot.

Maybe you'll get lucky like me, move to the other side of the world. . . grin

mbosnz Mon 16-Sep-19 10:20:06

Oh, and no, not perfectly harmless. I got bloody sick of chewing my tongue off when he said things deliberately to wind me up or offend me (my MIL after they divorced told me she often asked him why he did that, and not to do it), and made our married life considerably harder in the early years than it had to be. He wasn't old either. Just nasty, through and through.

The person he harmed most was himself though, now we're the only ones in the family that will even acknowledge his existence. And he still can't resist the temptation. . .

AmIRightOrAMeringue Mon 16-Sep-19 10:27:11

YANBU

I find comments like 'is he your boyfriend' cringey, it sexualises young children, embarrasses older children, and implies that boys and girls can't be platonic friends. The snatching a toy away is rude and a bizarre way to teach someone manners! Some of it is more just a bit annoying or a personality clash but it sounds like you're dealing with it the right way

codenameduchess Mon 16-Sep-19 10:33:46

Keep going with replies like you did to the wife comment and stand your ground, tell him to get out of the baby's face and to leave teaching your 3 year old to her parents.

The ridiculous sexist comments really wind me up! I have a 4 year old dd and since she was tiny I've had to correct people on these 'harmless' sayings like no, the little boy shes playing with is not her boyfriend- they are toddlers! 'oh are you going to be a nurse?' No, she wants be a doctor, having a vagina doesn't stop that. Same when she announced she wanted to be an astronaut an elderly relative told her that's a boys job 😡
And why can't a tiny baby just want its mummy without a grown adult huffing about it?

Your FIL sounds like a dick, yanbu to stand up to him.

maddening Mon 16-Sep-19 10:41:17

Just be outspoken "stop being a dick fil, you are being unnecessarily rude and unpleasant" if he fucks off then it's a win.

TixieLix Mon 16-Sep-19 10:47:26

You've dealt with him in the correct way OP although I would personally have pulled him up when he took your DD's toy (don't rely on your DP to do so) and asked him outright what manners he thinks he's teaching by snatching the toy in the first place. I don't think you're being too sensitive by the way. His comments and behaviour would annoy me too.

Tonnerre Mon 16-Sep-19 10:49:08

What a twat. If he tries the trick of teaching her manners by grabbing her things off her again, point out that what he is demonstrating is the ultimate in bad manners.

PhilSwagielka Mon 16-Sep-19 10:51:39

YANBU, he sounds like an arsehole, and I hate that 'future wife' thing, as if all women are good for is cooking and cleaning. Steven Gerrard made some shitty comment about his daughters all caring for his son and doing his ironing, as if men and boys can't learn themselves.

Also, if it helps, most of my cousins on my mum's side of the family are Caesarean births. My brother and I are the only kids on that side who were born naturally. Hell, one of my aunties has some major gynaecological issues which meant giving birth naturally was out of the question. It just happens sometimes. It's your body and it doesn't make you a bad mum.

Clangus00 Mon 16-Sep-19 10:52:47

Next time he mentions her having a boyfriend, say loudly "or a girlfriend, love is love".

nonmerci Mon 16-Sep-19 10:53:29

Christ, he’s an abusive bully and I don’t think you should wait for your DP to step in. I’d avoid him like the plague tbh.

Merryoldgoat Mon 16-Sep-19 10:57:06

He’s a dick.

‘She’s three - when she needs the loo she says it loudly like I taught - nothing to be bothered about FIL’

‘You didn’t say please when you snatched the toy away. Give it back to her, I can’t fathom what kind of lesson you’re trying to teach her’

‘No DD - Granddad can wipe up his own drink - give him the napkin’

Ad nauseum.

Twat (him).

EmmiJay Mon 16-Sep-19 10:57:39

With people like your FIL you have to offend them back with the same ferocity. Keep sniping at him like hes doing to you and your children. He'll hopefully sense hes being a c*nt and back off.

Nanny0gg Mon 16-Sep-19 10:58:23

Next time he takes a toy away, take it back.

CecilyP Mon 16-Sep-19 11:02:34

I do have some MH issues which could cloud my judgement.

Your judgement is just fine; if anything you have been too tolerant. I would let rip if someone had behaved like that. I'm surprised your DH can't see it. Harmless old man - nonsense! I would try to go very low contact if you can.

DarlingNikita Mon 16-Sep-19 11:03:15

political correctness trends.

It's a trend to not snatch toys off children and force them to ask for them back? hmm

He's a cunt, OP. Don't be polite. Merry has nailed the responses you need.

Rainycloudyday Mon 16-Sep-19 11:03:19

He sounds like an utter twat. Have you talked to your partner about the situation? I would avoid him like the plague and loudly pick him up on his awful comments each and every time-just the kind of thing you said about the cleaning up. But id be really concerned about whether your partner thinks his behaviour is ok. You don’t want to find yourself married to your FiL down the line confused

Notajogger Mon 16-Sep-19 11:05:43

It doesn't sound like you're being over sensitive and your OH needs to support you, whether he agrees or not, how you feel is how you feel!

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