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Husband didn’t come home! AIBU?

(166 Posts)
Hammers1987 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:11:10

So, Husband walked out on me and our children three weeks ago tomorrow.
He kissed me goodbye, said I love you and went to work like usual. He works in a bar. He just didn’t come home. Claims to have been drinking and slept in the car.
He disappeared for nearly two weeks. Didn’t collect any clothes and left me with no money to feed the kids and pay bills.
Last Friday we met in town, he asked to come to our home and see the dogs. Whilst here he asked if he had any clean socks and made a big thing about not packing his clothes.
After speaking all day via message he come home. We talked. He said he had missed me and the kids. It had been really hard without us all. He loved me. Wasn’t going anywhere. Promised everything would be okay. We had set. Slept holding each other. The following day, a week today, we were laying in bed watching tele in the morning. Had sex again. DH said we needed to spend time like that more often. We had a nice day together. He gave me a kiss, said i love you and went to work. I woke up the next morning and he didn’t come home again. No explanation just that he was drinking and staying with a mate. Refused to acknowledge anything or speak to me.
One week on, and he still won’t speak to me, but he won’t sort anything else out either! Emotionally I am really struggling.
He refuses to remove me from our joint account, claiming there is no rush and we can use it for bills.
He has not paid the sky and WiFi bills, and as they are in his name I can’t transfer them. I can’t cancel them and get my own either.
He has not given me any money for the kids, and left me in a shit position financially where he didn’t pay his half of the rent.
I also have his Mum’s dog which he has made no effort to sort out. He also has my contract phone which I have to pay for and our door key which he is showing no signs of returning. All he seems to be doing is drinking and is so angry. Didn’t even acknowledge our Anniversary Wednesday which really hurt.
AIBU to think this is not okay and reasonable behaviour?

Zebraaa Sat 14-Sep-19 10:13:38

Is there something going on with his mental health? Healthy people don’t do this. Is he an alcoholic?

Mrsmememe Sat 14-Sep-19 10:14:59

I think you have to call his bluff. He’s attempting to just strings you along.
Call his mother and tell her she has to have the dog back.
Call a lawyer too and start the divorce process.

Quartz2208 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:16:59

Why are you reposting exactly the same I thought you were getting somewhere

Mintypea5 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:17:39

Did you post this exact same thing recently?!

user1471449295 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:19:51

Do you think you’re going to get different advice to your last post?

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:23:12

flowers, OP. The selfish fucker has really left you in it!

1) Pack his shit and text him to collect. You need to officially kick him out so you can claim benefits.
2) Get rid of the dog.
3) Go to CAB and see what you can claim. When is your lease up? Can you resign in just your name?
4) Put in a CMS claim.

You need to start being proactive now before he drags you down further.

Hammers1987 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:23:31

He has been drinking a lot more over the last few months. Been forgetful and erratic mood swings. Either working or drinking. I have mentioned his drinking and he gets defensive. He has had nine days off drinking all year! Has become reckless with money. Making mistakes at work.
I have called and messaged his family. They are no help and just mum lives five hours away!
I have asked him to sort these things out, he just says I need to just concentrate on eating and sleeping better.

Hammers1987 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:26:43

@Lifeisabeach09 - I have removed him from the council tax and made a claim for Universal credit. I have to wait six weeks with no advance as we had a joint claim a few months ago. I also have to pay that back. Even explaining the circumstances made no difference.
We live in a council property. I can’t remove him from the tenancy and we have another four years left. He has to do this himself, but the rent arrears need to be paid first.
Because the dog is not legally mine I can’t just get rid of him as he is not my property. I do not have ownership.

Mrsmememe Sat 14-Sep-19 10:27:12

You’ve got to get a grip and be more assertive.
Text your husband and say if the dog isn’t picked up by 5pm today then you will be calling the relevant people to rehome it. It sounds like if they are 5 hours away and aren’t bothered about it, the dog might be better off elsewhere anyway.
Tell him things are not working and you want a divorce. Be assertive. Otherwise I have no sympathy.

PennyNotSoWise Sat 14-Sep-19 10:27:34

Did you not listen to the advice on your other thread then?

he asked to come to our home and see the dogs

Really? He asked to see the dogs and not the children after being gone for 2 weeks? Is that a typo?

Mrsmememe Sat 14-Sep-19 10:28:30

They don’t check for pedigree papers when you rehome. Why can’t the MIL give a feck about the dog? If she was that bothered about it she would.

Gazelda Sat 14-Sep-19 10:28:40

Have you been to CAB or a solicitor?

NotTerfNorCis Sat 14-Sep-19 10:29:57

You need to get a divorce. He isn't committed to the relationship and he's just a drain on you.

Lifeisabeach09 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:36:02

Can you not give the dog back to the your MIL? If not, drop it off at dickhead's place of work.

Heartburn888 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:40:55

Can’t believe he wanted to come round to see the dog first time?? The dog??

Sounds like there’s something else going on, has he had any trauma in his life that might have resurfaced? Has he done anything like this before? Can you not contact his mate who he’s staying with and try get him to talk some sense into him? It’s a joke he’s left you in limbo with the kids.

Can you have your own bank account set up and change any payment details to that so st least you have access? For the sky bills and the WiFi why don’t you try livechat and see if you can authorise yourself on the account or pay them over livechat?

DrinkSangriaInThePark Sat 14-Sep-19 10:46:57

I'm also shocked that he wanted to come and visit the dogs and not his children!!

And you let him? Did he bother asking about the kids at all? shock

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall Sat 14-Sep-19 10:46:58

The council were really understanding when I had to wait for hb to come through .

Phone the dog warden and tell them youve found a stray dog

WhyBirdStop Sat 14-Sep-19 10:49:07

Honestly with sky and WiFi I'd get a male friend or family member to call up and pretend to be him, and give you authority in the accounts. Call his mum and tell her she's got a week to come and get her dog or its going to a shelter because her feckless son has disappeared again and you can't afford to pay his half of the bills let alone look after a dog. Go into his work and demand his key back or change the locks if you can afford to. Contact the council tell them he is an alcoholic who has deserted you and the children, and have been contributing or permanently resident at the dates for x months, there are ways around the tenancy. Oh and for crying out loud stop letting him back in and having sex with him!

Ferretyone Sat 14-Sep-19 10:51:06


grin grin grin -

Hammers1987 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:53:15

When he asked to come back and see the dogs he knew the kids were not home. They were all at School.
I have been to the CAB and spoken to a a solicitor and I cannot just dump his Mum’s dog anywhere. I will only get myself into trouble. MIL doesn’t care. Not been in touch once or replied when I asked for help.
He has never done anything this extreme before. Would go out drinking but never just disappear. He is facing a custodial prison sentence for a large amount of fraud, which he did to fund his lifestyle.
He seems on self destruct! No rationalisation at all!

PennyNotSoWise Sat 14-Sep-19 10:55:13

@Ferretyone grin I couldn't believe that when I read it. I thought OP may have meant DD's or something, but no, I think she really fucking meant the dogs!

Heartburn888 Sat 14-Sep-19 10:58:27

Well there you have it. Sounds like your going to be without him at some point anyway but he should be doing more to ensure you and kids are going to be looked after when he’s gone.

Tbh sounds like this prison sentence will be just what you need to get yourself back on the straight and narrow billwise. You should do what he has done to you and pretend he doesn’t exist for 3 weeks at a time and if you do go in, take a picture of the precious dog for him to cuddle up to on a night in his cell.

crimsonlake Sat 14-Sep-19 10:59:50

You have posted very recently almost word for word...why are you not acknowleding this when asked by other posters?

Heartburn888 Sat 14-Sep-19 11:00:49

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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