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AIBU to think my MIL was out of line?!

(88 Posts)
Crimsonpetalandthewhite Wed 11-Sep-19 22:33:02

I usually have a great relationship with my MIL, but she made a comment tonight that has really got my back up.

So not to drip feed, we are having a baby boy whose due in 2 weeks, whose first name has been settled in stone since the moment we knew he was a boy. MIL at the time shared quite openly how she hated it etc, but was told by my partner how he was our son and we would name him whatever we chose. Nothing more said. However his middle name hasn’t been easy to settle on for one reason or another, but we have finally agreed. The name we have chosen is actually my mothers surname. My mum isn’t married, and the name would die with her, and she has always expressed she’d love for the name to be carried on, and it seems fitting to me as she’s my best friend and it’s a lovely way to honour her. My partner agreed and that was that.

MIL texted me today asking whether we had picked a middle name yet, so I replied saying yes we did now we had agreed and told her what it was. Instantly I knew she wasn’t happy because she texted back with no kisses, just simply isn’t that a surname? I said yes, explained why I wanted it (not that I should have to justify myself) and she didn’t reply. It’s been radio silence since. Has read the reply but has chosen to ignore me.

Partner comes home from work around an hour ago and said he’s had a massive argument with his mum, about how she has rung ranting how she hates it, it’s a surname, it’s all my family names, and is he being bullied into picking names? Now that’s the comment that got me, is he being bullied? AIBU to think how fucking dare she? He is our son, and we have made decisions together. To say he’s being bullied into picking names has really riled me, especially since it’s such an important family orientated thing for me. It makes me wonder what sort of character she presumes I have. Maybe it’s the hormones from being 38 weeks pregnant but I want to text her a big fat fuck you, but I know that wouldn’t be fair on my partner as he’s stuck in the middle.

What would you do? If I’m being irrational I apologise. But it’s really annoyed/upset me.

grafittiartist Wed 11-Sep-19 22:35:15

Lesson here- don't tell anyone a baby name until the baby has arrived!
It's none of her business. She got to name her kids, now it's your turn.

2be2ornot Wed 11-Sep-19 22:37:19

Just ignore her and enjoy (if you can!) the last few weeks of pregnancy. Once your baby is here she will soon get over it. I must admit I haven't liked some of the names of my nieces and nephews (not that I was vocal about it) but once they arrived I couldn't think of a better name so hopefully she will be the same.

She's not going to carry on like this once the baby has arrived.

Easy to say than do when it's such a special time and you have this hanging over you.

Congratulations thanks

Crimsonpetalandthewhite Wed 11-Sep-19 22:37:46

Just to add, surely I should be able to call my son what I want? I'm all for having an opinion, but there's no need to be rude about our decision, especially since it's my mothers name.

cees Wed 11-Sep-19 22:37:59

Ignore her tantrum, she will get used to the name and love her grandson regardless.

cowfacemonkey Wed 11-Sep-19 22:39:04

Never discuss names pre birth! Too late now but people seem to see it as open season to pick fault and spoil it for you.

I would let her stew in her own juices and not get in contact at all in the run up to the birth.

DramaAlpaca Wed 11-Sep-19 22:40:06

Your MIL was out of line, what you choose to name your child is none of her business. I hope your partner is tough enough to stand up to her, it sounds like he is. As for you, just maintain a dignified silence & don't give her the satisfaction of a response. Oh, and stick to your guns about the name.

RibenaMonsoon Wed 11-Sep-19 22:41:07

Bullied into picking names sounds about right. Just not by you.
DH needs to tell her she's the one doing the bullying and it's none of her business.

QueenofallIsee Wed 11-Sep-19 22:41:13

You are not bullying your husband and he shouldn’t allow his mother too either! My DDs middle name is my ex MIL name. Very important to her Dad and I picked her first name so fine with me - my family matriarch was bloody livid! I ignored and she got over it. You MIL will too though you are within your rights be annoyed at her over reaction.

If she is normally ok this could be fear of being sidelined, not coping well with her emotions about being a grandparent or just good old fashioned jealousy. Let you husband deal with it and name your baby what you have chosen

Raspberrytruffle Wed 11-Sep-19 22:42:25

Tell mil she had her chance she got to name her children, now it's your turn to name your children. Tell her calmly if she doesn't put a sock in it keep her self away from you until she can control herself instead of stressing and bullying a pregnant lady.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Wed 11-Sep-19 22:42:54

It's ok to have an opinion of a name, I'd someone asks for it. But she wasnt asked, so that was rude of her.

But to call you a bully is pretty horrible really.

I'd just let your husband deal with her, it sounds like he is sticking up for you so let him get on with it.

Also dont tell her anything in advance, keep information to yourself, if she asks direct questions (how are you going to feed the baby / where will he sleep / are you getting him christened etc) just be vague since she seems to feel she is entitled to critique your decisions!

Whoops75 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:45:43

YANBU

I would ignore her.

Accusing you of being a bully is awful did she definitely say it or was dh summarizing?

I can go one better grin
Pregnant with Ds and say we are going to call him after FIL, I love the name anyway.
MIL says she hates the name and can’t we pick another one!!
She calls FIL dad confused probably to avoid using the name.

FYI Name is Joe

Cherrysoup Wed 11-Sep-19 22:46:26

It’s none of her damned business what you call your child. You shouldn’t be even thinking about her opinion because it’s completely irrelevant. Nothing to do with her. She can just keep her mouth shut about it. Good job your DP is sticking up for you.

Crimsonpetalandthewhite Wed 11-Sep-19 22:48:41

Thank you all so much! I don't feel like such a basket case now. However I am still livid. It's the fact she's presuming I'm bullying DP when decisions that are to do with our son have always been split down the middle.

@Whoops75 She definitely said it! 😡

Crimsonpetalandthewhite Wed 11-Sep-19 22:49:50

@Whoops75 And that is definitely one better! Utterly bonkers 😅

Mummyshark2018 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:52:10

It's none of her business and it's rude to pass comment on a name someone has chosen. Our daughter has my maiden surname as a middle name and my dh name (that I also have) as a surname and it's lovely!

Awaywiththefairies27 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:53:43

Are you married? Do you share your partners surname? If not I'd use your own surname for the baby as well.

So "First name, mum's maiden name, OPs surname". Assuming they're different. Biggest regret I have from my eldest two DC is not giving them my surname from the start, I had to use deed poll in the end but not without a massive fight with EX and his batshit mother.

Aquamarine1029 Wed 11-Sep-19 22:55:03

The best thing you can do is to totally ignore her tantrum. Why throw petrol on the fire? What would it accomplish? You can name your baby anything you want and it's your husband's responsibility to deal with his mum. Getting into a row with her will only fuel her desire to control your decisions. Ignoring her will speak louder than any words can.

MrsBlondie Wed 11-Sep-19 22:56:33

Never ever tell the nsme youve chosen before birth. Once baby here people just accept.

ThatssomebadhatHarry Wed 11-Sep-19 22:58:20

Yanbu. The bullying comment would piss me right off as it’s a manipulation ‘divide and conquer’ technique. “She’s bullying you” “Her family name where’s yours” when she really mean “ I want to choose”. I bet she has a specific name in mind such as her father or husband. So unless it is this she was never going to like what you have chosen.

Coffeeisnecessary Wed 11-Sep-19 23:01:53

We have my mum's surname as our sons middle name too, I think it's lovely but caused loads of grief with MIL also despite him having her flipping surname!! Leave her to stew and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.

Crimsonpetalandthewhite Wed 11-Sep-19 23:04:37

@ThatssomebadhatHarry You're completely right, DP said when she was ranting on the phone to him she kept saying what about John? Which is FIL's name! It was a no to begin with because it just wouldn't go with our name choice. Just shows you how she wants to choose.

Whoops75 Wed 11-Sep-19 23:14:36

She’s very controlling!!

My MIL has always been controlling but I was oblivious to it before we had kids.
When I think of it she had/got a say in loads of things but I thought it was help.

At you you know in advance and can have your fuck of filter turned on when you meet her.

Whoops75 Wed 11-Sep-19 23:14:55

*off

tillytrotter1 Wed 11-Sep-19 23:16:09

I should be able to call my son what I want?

'My son'? Immaculate conception? Whatever else happens to remember he's 'our baby'.

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