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To want aquaintance to know her new partner has a history of DV?

(20 Posts)
DampInTheLakes Wed 11-Sep-19 09:21:22

I currently have an ongoing case for harassment and common assault against a guy I was seeing last year. It turns out he has quite a history as I've since had info from the police plus two of his ex's have contacted me to tell me how dangerous he is, that "one day he will really hurt someone" and "his next will be a murder". When I met him he had another police case ongoing for DV but convinced me he was the victim, she was crazy and bitter, yadda yadda and stupidly I believed his story. Eventually this was dropped because she was the main witness but had fled the country. Anyway, earlier this year he started seeing a girl I know, our sons are in the same circles, went to primary school together etc. She has two kids- he's not allowed to see his own daughter due to his behaviour- I only found out he had a daughter months after we met, he hid this from me. She's gone into this as blindly as I did, I can guarantee he'll be using the same poor me story- crazy ex's, he's a victim etc etc. On the outside he's very charming, attractive and outgoing but there's a very sinister, controlling, angry psychotic side that he reserves for behind closed doors. For months now I've been so concerned and I've obviously wanted her to know the danger. But as the investigation is ongoing and there have been bail conditions for 11 months while the phone evidence is obtained (it's in a queue) I can't contact her because it would be deemed to be 3rd party contact. The police have said they can't approach and tell her but if she does an application based on Claire's Law (domestic violence disclosure scheme) they'd give her any relevant information. Am I being unreasonable wanting her to know that her and her kids are potentially in danger of domestic violence? What would you do? Also if anyone is entering into a new relationship and has the slightest gut feeling something is wrong, go to the police and request a disclosure, it could at the very least save you from going through hell and at the extreme, save your life.

Hadalifeonce Wed 11-Sep-19 09:26:39

If you have a mutual acquaintance, could you ask them to suggest she checks Claire' Law? Or would that be contravening 3rd party contact?

MummytoCSJH Wed 11-Sep-19 09:32:05

This probably sounds horrible but my first thought was if your children are at the same school could you advise a teacher? They would be obligated to talk to her about safeguarding I think and could ask her to check with Claire's Law. She doesn't know so I don't think she can be in trouble for anything (as long as once she does know, she isnt putting her child in any danger).

SummerWhisper Wed 11-Sep-19 09:34:38

You can't contact her overtly or directly about your ex, but it seems as though the police hinted at letting her know indirectly through Claire's Law. Perhaps you could send her an anonymous letter suggesting thst she contact the police and ask for a Claire's Law report. Don't refer to anything or anybody, just that.

Good luck with everything you are going through flowers

zxcvhjkl Wed 11-Sep-19 09:50:52

As suggested above, I would discuss it in confidence with the school as it's a potential safeguarding issue. You also remove any 3rd party contact issues because the school make the contact. Also you know a child is potentially at risk and so you really should do something rather than nothing.

YANBU for wanting her to know. If I was her I would be glad someone bought it to my attention.

MulticolourMophead Wed 11-Sep-19 09:56:21

Yes, go through the school for safeguarding issues, and they can suggest to her to use Claire's Law.

EatsFartsAndLeaves Wed 11-Sep-19 10:00:50

Yes speak to the school, do you know which school they go to? If not then try social services.

AnnaNimmity Wed 11-Sep-19 10:02:35

I don't think you can. My ex attacked me. He subsequently went out with a woman with children. He has a young child. He's extremely dangerous, but there's nothing you can do. He paints me as a crazy lying ex. (although if anyone did a Claire's law search, I think they'd find the opposite). He is very charming and lovely and believable.

The police and social services were shocked by him - he was doing things like putting his hands around my neck, which they told me is a precurser to strangling and murder. The police were shocked, but said I couldn't do anything to warn the next victim because it would be harrassment. And in any case, they just don't believe me anyway. Or maybe they think he's changed. Or that he won't attack them. I don't know.

Honestly, I know it's worrying, but it's not your problem now.

DampInTheLakes Wed 11-Sep-19 10:11:02

I'd considered going through a mutual friend but hadn't wanted to implicate anyone in case it was seen as 3rd party contact. It's a small community and it could quite easily turn into a source of gossip and drama so I think going through the school is a really good way of doing it. Our kids aren't at the same school anymore but I do think this could be the way forward and it's not something I'd considered, so thank you for suggesting it.

Nonmerci Wed 11-Sep-19 10:13:22

I would also try either the school or possibly social services.

I really feel for you, I have an ex like this too and I also would want to warn this woman. Men like this are dangerous.

Nonmerci Wed 11-Sep-19 10:13:52

I wouldn’t bother warning her FWIW, would you have believed one of his exes at the time if they warned you?

colourlessgreenidea Wed 11-Sep-19 10:19:01

I wouldn’t bother warning her FWIW


would you have believed one of his exes at the time if they warned you?

It’s not a case of believing an ex, it’s a case of her accessing and believing the information provided via Claire’s Law.

Wibblewobble99 Wed 11-Sep-19 10:24:10

Can you tell social services in case no one has already warned them? I know agencies aren’t always the best at keeping each other in the loop. Then if they contact her it’ll be a red flag and maybe she will speak to the police? There’s a lot of hoping and assuming but it’s better than not being able to do anything. I’d worry if you went through a third party it could be agro for you and them but she may also be less likely to believe what she hears.

NoCauseRebel Wed 11-Sep-19 10:35:01

The problem with Claire’s law is that people don’t generally access it until they have encountered a red flag iyswim. Clearly even the OP didn’t until she already had an ongoing case against this bloke, and in reality it’s hardly a good starting point for a relationship if you’re checking out whether they have convictions before anything has happened to you. Many people absolutely don’t do that, and if there wasn’t any doubt there are very few people who would be talked into it without being given some kind of heads-up as to why.

I think that the police are in the wrong for telling you that you can’t say anything. Because even if he is found not guilty for whatever reason there should be a way for you to say that you went out with him last year and one of his ex’s got in touch with you to say he was bad news etc etc.

Perhaps rather than saying so directly you could drop something into conversation such as “I was really surprised to find out months in that he had a daughter he isn’t allowed to see......” and see where that one takes you?

DampInTheLakes Wed 11-Sep-19 11:33:40

@nonmerci I don't know if I'd have believed his ex if she'd warned me but it was always in the back of my mind that he had the other DV case and could have been lying to me. Eventually there were big red angry flags that kept mounting and I started to think more and more that she was the victim afterall, so yes, in the end I'd have believed her. But as @colourlessgreenidea says, this isn't about me wanting to warn her directly, its that a Claire's Law application needs to be made so that the police can warn her.

"I think that the police are in the wrong for telling you that you can’t say anything."
The rationale behind this is that ex-p could then argue that I'm harassing him via a 3rd party and it'll compromise my case. Ridiculous as that is, but that's what the police advise in these cases.

Thanks all for your advice I really appreciate it.

Watchingthyme Wed 11-Sep-19 12:38:53

I would ask a solicitors advice.
Don’t do anything to compromise your case.

MummytoCSJH Wed 11-Sep-19 12:39:33

Glad people agreed with me as I thought I'd get flamed for even suggesting bringing school into it. I do hope you are ok OP and that (however it may be), she finds out and ensures her own safety and that of her children.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed Wed 11-Sep-19 12:47:46

Try though a mutual friend they could inform her of his history

But he will have already started the sob stories etc etc you can only try and warn her not convince her but she may see a red flag and remember what was said to her

And keep yourself safe don’t not drop hints to her directly you are away from him now keep it that way

lvsel Wed 11-Sep-19 14:18:23

Tell her

swissmilk Wed 11-Sep-19 16:32:55

I would drop a note through her door telling her to look up the file (Clare's law) that the police have on him.
Orbs make it anonymous so it can't be traced back to you.
I think it's your duty.

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