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To be happyDSS didn't come and stay on the weekend?

(227 Posts)

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rubyblue40 Wed 11-Sep-19 00:56:43

My partners son is 12 years old and has stayed us for the whole 6 weeks holiday; where he spent all his time on his playstation, didnt budge from the bedroom, ate all the food, complained about what was made for dinner and left a mess everywhere. His Mother didnt bother to insist he goes home for a few days during the holidays even though she had just had a baby and surely DSS would need to bond with new baby. My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself. this weekend he stayed with his mum and i just felt no tension within me, i am due to have a baby anf wont be happy if DSS is going to be here lazing around in the house nextbhalf term. weekends i can deal with, half term is another story!

Weezol Wed 11-Sep-19 01:06:41

My partner was useless in giving him a structure during the holidays, or just at least getting him to tidy up after himself

It's not DSS or his mother that are the problem here.

user764329056 Wed 11-Sep-19 01:07:54

Very true Weezol

ljsids Wed 11-Sep-19 03:30:35

If I was living with someone who had that attitude I would want to spend all my time in my bedroom as well.

sweetiepie1979 Wed 11-Sep-19 03:34:58

Poor boy sounds like no one wants him. That’s a sad post

Sizeofalentil Wed 11-Sep-19 03:35:10

Poor kid - dealing with a new baby and a SM who is expecting and obviously dislikes him.

He's probably questioning his place in both families right now, combined with usual preteen angst.

I'd stay in my room if no one liked me and complained I was in the way tbh

Rtmhwales Wed 11-Sep-19 03:37:55

Don't all 12 year olds do this? Are you going to write a post in 12 years' time about how you wish your own DC would go away because all they do is laze around? It doesn't sound like his parents or him really are the problem here..

cornish009 Wed 11-Sep-19 03:50:26

I am a foster carer and, without exception, you are describing every 12 year old I have ever looked after. In fact had it not been for food, I would never have seen any of them during school holidays and weekends.

rubyblue40 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:00:08

it was his choice to stay with us, he didnt want to go to his Mothers for the 6 weeks. I have not made it known how i feel and have always made him feel welcome. What gets my back up, is the spoilt lazy attitude, not helping round the house, leaving dirty plated on sofa, in bedroom, dirty clothes all over the floor, complaing about whats was for dinner everyday, and im left to clean up, with no help from DSS ot partner

Chottie Wed 11-Sep-19 04:14:44

I feel sorry for your DSS too.

His mum is in a new relationship and there is a new baby.
His dad is in a new relationship and there is a new baby on the way.
He must be wondering where he fits in now.
He is a child, only 12 years old...

Blondebakingmumma Wed 11-Sep-19 04:15:12

I think some of this anger would be better directed towards you DP than your Dss. Leave his plates on the couch and clothes and let your DP deal with it.

tryingtobebetterallthetime Wed 11-Sep-19 04:20:33

12 year olds are masters of picking up "vibes" in the home. I'll bet he knows how you feel op even if you haven't said. It is impossible to hide the resentment you are describing.

I know it is difficult for you, but you are with a man who has a 12 year old son and is, rightly so, involved with him. You are the adult here. How you welcome the boy and make him part of the family will affect him for years.

You need to speak with your partner and decide between you what is important. You need to pick your battles with a 12 year old. As others have said, none of his behaviour sounds abnormal or willful to me.

I have been a stepmother for close to 30 years and experienced two boys go through their teen years. It can be tough, but maintaining a building a relationship with them reaps huge rewards.

Luaa Wed 11-Sep-19 04:21:23

If you don't like the way your dp parents his son, why are you having a baby with him?

I agree with others, this is normal 12 year old behaviour. He needs to he told what to do and made to stick to doing what is expected of him. But he also probably needs some attention and reassurance considering his mum just had a baby and his a dad and you are having one too. He probably feels like both parents have made new families and don't need him anymore.

AhNowTed Wed 11-Sep-19 04:23:04

So this 12 year old CHILD, who's mother has just had a baby, and who's fathers girlfriend is about to have a baby, the father doesn't set any boundaries, his world has been turned upside down, you resent him -

And you think it's the 12 year old CHILD'S fault?

You can't be fucking serious!

maternityleave234 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:23:36

Welcome to the world of teenage boys!

What are your expectations of him? Does he know these... ie;
- make your bed
- all plates and cups downstairs by end of the day
- plates into the kitchen

Ours is 16 nearly 17 and always needs a gentle reminder about plates upstairs to there kitchen. But that’s teens for you! I remember being exactly the same.

Kids complain about food, that’s what they do. They’ve no filter, if he doesn’t like your cooking then fair enough - he just doesn’t get to eat the dinner and you don’t make anything else.

I’d bare in mind that his world has been turned upside down recently, he’s been an only child for 12 years and now has two new siblings in the space of six months.
He probably feels pushed out by his mum because of the new baby and not hugely welcome at yours. You say he wouldn’t realise but I bet you sigh and huff and puff when tidying up so he’d pick up on this vibe!

rubyblue40 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:24:56

neither relationships are new and he already has a siblings so thats not the issue. Am I old fashioned in thinking that hes ild enough to clear up his mess and have respect for the house. I certainly was made to clear up after myself and had chores when i was younger than 12. i dont agree with partner having to pick up after him.

minesagin37 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:25:41

Oh dear. I agree that this is a sad post.

AhNowTed Wed 11-Sep-19 04:27:36

So this 12 year old CHILD, who's mother has just had a baby, and who's fathers girlfriend is about to have a baby, the father doesn't set any boundaries, his world has been turned upside down, you resent him -

And you think it's the 12 year old CHILD'S fault?

You can't be fucking serious!

rubyblue40 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:30:46

also he is not an only child, he has siblings from both his Mother and Father. as i said these are not new relationships on either side. @maternityleave234 maybe i need to communicate whats expected and speak to partner. Im not a horrible person and would never make him feel unwelcome, this has just been something ive kept to myself

OMGshefoundmeout Wed 11-Sep-19 04:32:05

This is very sad. He is an adolescent. They can be tricky. They are still developing and need consistent, loving boundaries and discipline which he isn’t getting from his mum or his dad.

An earlier poster seemed unsympathetic but was quite right when she said she was ‘made to clear up’. That’s what his parents should be doing and they are letting him down.

Courtney555 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:34:51

OP, is this new behaviour? What was he like last year during the holidays when no one was pregnant/new baby just arrived/no excuses for poor behaviour.

Marnie76 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:40:18

Strange name change fail there OP, you’ve aged five years 😂

PhilCornwall1 Wed 11-Sep-19 04:40:55

My 12 year old had no structure to his summer holiday at all, he did what he wanted. Had to check on him a couple of times to see if he was still breathing because he was still fast asleep at 11:30am. It's his school holiday, for him to do what he likes.

Dirty dishes had to be brought down though. I did have a gripe about that a few times.

SnowsInWater Wed 11-Sep-19 04:43:52

You are delusional if you think he doesn't pick up on how you feel about him. Poor kid.

StoppinBy Wed 11-Sep-19 05:03:57

You are sounding like a cow. He didn't choose to be part of your family - you chose him when you chose a relationship with his father.

No way does he not know how you feel, your resentment is palpable.... you will tolerate him 2 days out of 7.... SMH.

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