To be pissed off at my housemate?(36 Posts)
I live in a shared house and have 2 housemates.
One is fine, moved in recently and have had no issues with him at all.
The other one is a pain in the arse.
He seems to do weird passive aggressive things that are aimed at me but not the other housemate. We have a shared kitchen but there are only certain utensils, mugs etc that I use. Every time he comes home he will move my stuff to the windowsill off the drying rack but never does it to the other housemate. He left one unwashed spoon and knife that were in the sink on top of my fridge. He will leave stuff out that he thinks that I've used for weeks and refuse to put them away even if I've not actually used them (FWIW I will wash small things like cutlery, mugs etc that aren't mine and put them away).
Tonight I ordered a pizza, not too late, about half 9. It took a bit longer than expected for it to arrive and turned up about half 10. I've done this before and they usually call me when they are nearby so I can come out but today they didn't. Housemate comes banging on the door to let me know they are there and then has a go at me saying he was in bed. Aibu to order a fucking takeaway in my own home?!
It's getting to the point where I'm really starting to hate living here despite the fact it's a beautiful house and everything else about it is great because I'm always wondering if something I do will piss him off. Normal things, like leaving a fork in the sink or having a visitor over. He ALWAYS comments if I have someone round and it's really making me uncomfortable and not want to leave my room in case I run into him! Or aibu and really inconsiderate?
If you ordered a takeaway surely you wait near the door where you can hear it. If I had to get out of bed to answer the door to a flatmates takeaway I'd be pissed off too to be fair.
He sounds very passive aggressive, but you also sound like you can be inconsiderate. It is annoying when people don't wash up after themselves, especially in a shared house where utensils and crockery may be limited.
Tell him very clearly to go fuck himself and then ignore. Don't bow down to this idiot.
No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. He sounds like a jerk and if he gets wound up by such small things he clearly isn't cut out for house shares.
I'd have been annoyed by the pizza thing, but then you didn't know that they wouldn't ring you when they arrived.
@Lockheart the door is over the opposite side of the house to my room. I didn't really want to spend an hour sitting in the dining room in my pyjamas waiting for it, but as I said they usually call me instead of knocking so I can come straight out and it's never been an issue before.
If I've left anything to clean in the sink it's only ever one spoon and knife from my morning toast and coffee. There is no shortage of cutlery in the house. As I said, sometimes I do wash up little bits and pieces in the sink that aren't mine but he will go out of his way to remove stuff from the draining board or the sink and put it elsewhere - but only if he thinks I'VE used it.
It's just getting really tiresome, feeling like a naughty child being constantly told off and it's not even his house! Why does he get to set all the 'rules'?!
It’s shit, I know.
The options here are-
Speak to crabby housemate making it clear you really want to live together harmoniously and hear out his issues. But be fully prepared for communications to be difficult.
Speak to other housemate, making it clear you’re not dragging them into drama, you just want to know how to resolve the tensions. Was he like this with them? Do they know what the issue might be?
Or get him out if that’s a possibility.
Personally, I believe life is too short to not be able to live the way you want to, in your home. There are some people you just can’t live with and this guy sounds like one of them.
Sure it hasn't been an issue before, but would you really be happy at being got out of bed (maybe woken up) at half ten at night to answer the door for your flatmate and then have to take them their food?
I know I wouldn't. I think YAB a bit U here.
I also live in a shared house and if I order food then I'll go and sit in the lounge waiting for it to arrive so it doesn't disturb my housemate whose room is by the front door. My room is on the third floor, so like you I don't hear the doorbell from up here. But that's my problem to deal with.
I agree he sounds over the top and petty, but I think you're in the wrong for the pizza thing, sorry.
Never been in a houseshare myself. Can't all the housemates get together and discuss what's going on?
Maybe he thinks you are doing things to wind him up?
If he's only moving your stuff pull him up on it. Better to get things out in the open rather than to seethe and get stressed out.
His room isn't by the door, it's on the other side of the house equally as far away as mine. It's just for some reason he heard he knock and I didn't. He didn't bring my food to me as I had to pay for it, he just pounded on my door and then I went out straight away to collect it. This is why I usually get them to ring me so I don't disturb anyone.
But it was half 10! It's not ridiculously late and he doesn't work really early, I get woken up by him getting up and making his food in the morning so I know this and yet I never complain to him.
House meeting and call him out on what he's doing, the petty bastard.
Tbh I really hate being in a shared house but I don't have many options, I work full time for minimum wage and can't afford a place of my own at the moment. I'm trying to get a better job so I have more choices.
My schedule is different to his as he works a 9-5 mon-fri job but I work weekends, evenings and split shifts. That isn't my fault and I can't do anything about it. I try to be as considerate and unobtrusive as possible and mostly keep to my room but sometimes I do need to use the facilities at different times to him. If he can't handle that then he should really get his own place. I fully understand that sharing with others means having to compromise on things and I'm fine with that but he doesn't seem to understand it and wants everything his own way.
Just tell him to fuck off and if he hates you so much to fucking move out. Stand up to him and don’t take any shit.
Being woken up/having to get out of bed at half ten would annoy me as well.
Sorry if I'm being a bit dense, but why not dry up and put away your stuff so it's not in the drying rack if anyone else wants to use it?
Because when I use stuff it's the sum total of (for example) one bowl/plate/mug/spoon, not a whole pile of stuff. There is plenty of space for other to use it. Nobody washes and dries their dishes straight away, everyone leaves it on the rack to dry, it's just my stuff he moves. Plus the tea towels are communal ones and I'm not convinced they are clean as I don't know what the other housemates do with them or how regularly they are washed! I'm planning to get my own set of cutlery, crockery and teatowels soon when I have some spare cash, then I'll just use those.
He obviously has an issue with stuff being left in the drying rack. Ask him, if it is an issue he has? You have to call out passive aggressive behaviour, it is usually denied but it means he can't really revert to it again without confrontation. And if he does, for your own sake confront it and tell him to stop touching your stuff.
The pizza thing might be a normal response but personally when I did live in a house share, as a once off - it's nothing I'd attack a housemate about in the interests of harmony.
Well when I get my own stuff for the kitchen it'll be really obvious if he's moved it!
I don't get takeaway often, I think maybe 3 times in the 5 months I've lived here? I will make sure that whoever I do get it from phones me in the future to make sure I don't get told off again!
I really do try and be a good housemate. I really don't want people to be annoyed at me or hate me but ffs I just want to live in my home and do things that normal people do without being moaned at all the time.
I do get the distinct impression that he views the house as 'his' as he has been here the longest. His stuff is in all the communal areas, all over the dining room and living room, everything of mine is confined to my own room. I wasn't even allowed to have a plant on the windowsill in the dining room without it being moved outside!
Idk why ppl are focusing on the pizza. It was a one-off - he just wants to be a dick about it and you need to (if he is still banging on about it) tell him to get over it.
Honestly? The dishes? So it's your morning crockery? Just wash (dishmatic is best)/ rinse/ dry (with your own teatowel or paper towel) and place in cupboards + drawers.
Will take you 5 minutes, and he won't have anything will he?
Then ... plot and plan how to make his pointless, bullying, useless, narc life a misery without him knowing.
You can use your imagination and have a lot of fun I think.
Is he a wanker and does he deserve it???
There's LOTS of things....
I'm feeling very angry on your behalf, I also feel that you're getting a bit of a hard time from other posters in this thread!
Ok i was here nor there with the pizza and the dishes but then when you said you’re not allowed things like plants in the communal areas I was like hmm.
Is he the house owner, letting rooms or is this an equal house share? If the latter he has no right or ban you having items in the communal areas so i would be complaint to EA about that.
He didn't HAVE to answer the door. Presumably it wasn't like the delivery guy was pounding on the door for ages or you would have heard him. He chose to get up and then use it as a stick to beat you with.
I've lived with arsehole housemates. We would buy communal stuff i.e. toilet roll as a house, i.e. when one of us saw it was running low we would just get a pack and not worry about it. One bought her own stashed in her room, use ours and when we ran out just use hers and bring it back to her room. Would frequently send me texts saying I know you used my toothpaste/shower gel/bread/whatever. Used every pot and pan when cooking and left it for days.
Had another assault me for shutting a door too loudly. She hit my other housemate with a pole from a dismantled bed!
The other (male if it matters) housemates let these things go for an easy life. I stood up to both of them and they hated it. You have to co exist peacefully but some people feel the need to piss on what they see as their territory.
If it were me, I would find a few gripes he does (i.e. waking you in the morning), then when he moves your stuff again just say can you not touch my stuff please. When he says don't leave it lying around, say okay but don't do xyz either. We both have to live here, we both have to be respectful of our living spaces.
What he's doing now is putting HIS boundaries into communal space as if it's his own with no respect for anyone else. There needs to be compromise on both sides.
If it escalates, simply reply, I live here too, if you don't like it, you know where the door is.
Talk to the other flatmate and see how he feels, could you move and find a place just with the nicer one?
Could you not afford a studio flat on your own, Refreshretry? It's worth looking, there may be somewhere not too expensive.
It sounds like he just doesn’t like you and any little thing you do winds him up.
Either just go about your business and ignore his pettiness or think about moving out.
You have a right to live your life there.
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