AIBU to be seriously annoyed with DH's parents?(323 Posts)
DH has custody of his 16yo son, and the mother has access at weekends and half of the holidays. They alternate Christmases (and the other gets New Year).
This year, it's our year for Christmas, which we were looking forward to.
DH's mum has decided that herself and her partner are going away for NY this year, on a cruise. Apparently, my partner's son asked them could he go with them (he has no concept of money etc, but then again what 16yo does?) to which they said yes.
We only even got informed about this as soon as we did because they need to pay the balance, and they have asked us for £1,000 for his ticket for the week long cruise before the end of this month, and have asked us to also supply £200 spending money for him at the time.
We are not well off. They know we have £10,000 between us in savings, however the whole house desperately needs to be decorated, including a new bathroom and garden, and I don't want to spend ALL of our savings anyway. £1,200 is a huge amount out of that, yet they have worked it out among themselves that yes, he can go, and yes, we will pay. I am able to save a small amount from my wage each month, but my partner's wage is taken up by his outgoings. He had to pay DS's mother the equivalent of half of the house when they split, and has a huge mortgage as a result, and took a new job with a pay cut last year (much happier, but not as well off) so it's even more of a struggle.
The other issue that my partner raised immediately is that DS's mum should have him for New Year, and there's no way she would be happy when she found out about the holiday, as she's often difficult anyway, and would be well within her right to be with this. They responded saying they had already spoken to her and arranged for DS to spend Christmas with her as a compromise.
So not only are they asking us for a huge amount of money, but they have also decided that my partner actually doesn't get to see his own son for the whole of the Christmas holiday, when he should have been with us. Christmas is a very important time IMO, and I don't understand why they think they can take this away from us.
Just to add insult to injury, I received £3,000 in inheritance recently, and DH's mum has suggested that I can perhaps use that. I don't mean to sound selfish - and I happily give him money here and there if he wants to go to the cinema or out for some food or something - but I'm annoyed enough at the whole situation, and feel that it is even more out of order to suggest that MY inheritance should be used to pay for it. I never EVER pull this card, it's not something I dwell on whatsoever, but I am of the mindset that he's not my son, so how DARE they ask me for such a huge amount, or expect that I should just hand it over without question.
I think it's a shocking amount of money for a week's holiday anyway, but it's not an issue to them.
I just find the whole thing hugely irritating, not to mention worrying. Yes, I've been given this money, but I was planning on paying one of my credit cards off, which would really lighten my load if I could! It's not like I'm rolling in it. I have debts, which I am doing really well with, but I want them to be gone ASAP.
But now we're in the situation of having to try and get this money together (it will leave us short for what we need to do on the house - which DS will benefit from much more than a week's cruise, IMO) before the end of the month. Before I moved in, my partner had struggled with depression and had a difficult relationship with his ex, and as such things really slipped with the house, for years. I've helped him get himself back up on his feet, we're doing really well, and now we're creating a house that's truly ours, together.
I feel DH's mum should have ASKED us first, before telling him he could go with them.. as he's already really excited, and we would feel incredibly bad if it turned out he couldn't go, because of us.
We CAN do it, but AIBU to think that we really shouldn't have to?
Tell them if they want him to go they can pay for him
If they want to take him, they pay for him. If they can't afford to then they need to explain to him that.
You're husband needs to be the one to explain to his parents that it's not on them agreeing to take him and you 2 to fund it. And on top of that change HIS contact agreement!
You shouldn’t have too, holiday is with his mum so it’s for them to pay for him not you and your DH.
You need say no; they offered to take him, they pay, end of.
Totally see where you are coming from and it would infuriate me!
Tell them if they want him to go they can pay for him
Exactly. Don't be bullied into paying for something you were never consulted about.
So often these are 6 of one and half a dozen of each other. But in this case I really don't see what the parents are thinking. Like you can just magic up £1,200 and going on holiday with them is more important than spending Christmas with his dad. Wtf?
He has had this conversation. He was on the phone for almost two hours arguing about it yesterday evening, but they're just going round in circles. It's all about thinking about what's best for DS, and they keep saying we can't love him enough if we can't part with some of our savings. I think that comment is just well below the belt and completely uncalled for. All kinds of things from the family's past got brought up in the argument, including accusations of my partner neglecting his son during the years he had depression after his son's mum left them! He was doing everything he could to recover, on tablets and having counselling, and perhaps he might not have been the best dad on the planet, but he did his best and got better! His wife had just walked out on him and their 2 month old baby, it stopped him studying for a degree, which limited his career, leaving him on crap pay for the rest of his life, as he always had to be a full time dad. It changed his life in many ways, so I think it's fair that he struggled to come to terms with it, and it's very unfair for them to throw it back in his face now!
Hell no. They want to take him, they pay. And even then shitty to do so without telling you, let alone asking.
I would think that most 16 year olds are pretty clued up regarding money, and would realise £1000 is a lot of money for one week's holiday. I agree that your MIL should have discussed it with you before asking your stepson and definitely should not be suggesting you use your inheritance to pay for it. If they invite, they pay.
It's a firm no from me. They can pay. You invite you pay!
As they have made the decision to take him AND organise your Christmas without saying a fecking word to you, they can get stuffed.
Your inheritance is your business, as are your savings which you have already ringfenced for something that benefits you ALL not just one of you.
No. No. No. No explanations, no justifications. Just no.
You can't love him enough if you can't part with your savings? Well surely that works both ways? They cant love him enough if they can't stump up the money. They're being assholes and shouldn't have arranged this without discussing it first.
Thanks all, I just needed to get some opinions to make sure I was definitely in the right before sharing my opinion with the in laws.. always dangerous territory as I'm sure you're aware!
Your DH needs to sit down with his son and explain that you guys don’t have the spare money to pay for him to go on a cruise and he needs to get in touch with the ex and tell her that there’s been a miscommunication about Xmas so he’ll be with you guys. Moving forward you guys need to refuse to discuss your finances with his family because it’s none of their business.
Absolutely not. 16 is old enough to understand that you can't just demand £1000. More than £100 a day!
As to him not loving him enough, well their attitude speaks volumes.
Tell your Dss sorry but no.
Rearrange Christmas with ex.
Go NC for a while with his parents.
How dare they throw that in his face and use it as a weapon.
Oh and I want to add, get started on your renovations and pay off your credit card ASAP. Can’t be asked to spend the money if you don’t have it lol
@Lanurk 100% agree. We don't tend to discuss our finances with them, they just think they have the right to tell us what we should pay for and what we should buy.
They also pick things up for him like clothes when they see them (not essentials, he has plenty), and then charges DH for them even though he never asked them to get them.
I would absolutely not agree to this. There is no way on earth I would forgo my turn to have Xmas with one of my dc, nor would I spend 12% of my savings on a holiday I hadn't agreed to. If you had a spare £1200 hanging around I am sure you would put it towards a family holiday, not a cruise with gps.
I think 16 is old enough to understand that the cruise is very expensive and you aren't able to pay.
Absolutely don't pay. It will be completely her fault that he can't go, so don't feel guilty about it, that's what she's hoping for.
@Lanurk Just finishing the kitchen, which looks awesome! Living room next. Spending as fast as poss haha.
Why are you the one to be paying for your child to do something that someone else has arranged without even asking you?
How much is the child’s mother contributing? Presumably the mil has just said that you will pay as you got an inheritance, cheeky git. Get her told that’s earmarked for something else like better windows that don’t leak or some other important thing. Not for holidays for yourselves or a child.
If they want to take the child on holiday they should either pay, or consult both parents first about costs.
Oh, and if you don’t get him this Christmas make sure it’s in writing that you get him next Christmas. In writing in an email with a reply from the child's mother agreeing to that.
Unbelievable liberty. Honestly. So thoughtless.
Stop discussing your finances with other people.
You lost me here … *it stopped him studying for a degree, which limited his career, leaving him on crap pay for the rest of his life8 … lots of us manage to hold down jobs, families, also act as carers AND study for degrees - all of which is completely irrelevant
I feel DH's mum should have ASKED us first, before telling him he could go with them.. as he's already really excited, and we would feel incredibly bad if it turned out he couldn't go, because of us. She asked, she should pay. End of that. It can be her Christmas present to her GS.
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