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to be shocked when i receive a letter/card addressed to MRS (DH'S NAME)?

(167 Posts)
balancingact Thu 09-Aug-07 09:52:17

...this has happened to me twice! By this i mean it's addressed to Mrs Joe Bloggs, for example. These are both from friends - not ultra close ones, but good enough friends.
I keep thinking....what?!?! Haven't i gotten to the stage where i at least earned to be addressed by my own name? (i mean, i love hubby to bits, but even he thought it was a bit ridiculous!)

sarahlou1uk Thu 09-Aug-07 09:54:19

send them the same back as see if they like it!

littlelapin Thu 09-Aug-07 09:55:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumfor1standfinaltime Thu 09-Aug-07 09:55:52

It is a bit old fashioned to address a married woman in that way, but it wouldn't bother me too much.

throckenholt Thu 09-Aug-07 09:57:09

if it was from friends it would irritate me - and I would probably email them to say so (but in a jokey way).

IdrisTheDragon Thu 09-Aug-07 09:57:46

My mum sometimes sends things to me addressed as Mrs DH's name Our Surname.

She may have stopped as DH opened something once thinking it was for him .

I know that his granny would always expect to be Mrs HerlateDHinitials Their Surname

ib Thu 09-Aug-07 09:58:05

I've had that too, I found it insulting. I never even used dh's surname.

littlelapin Thu 09-Aug-07 09:58:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissLate Thu 09-Aug-07 09:58:46

I think it is technically correct from an ettiquette perspective (though very formal!). I believe when a woman is widowed she is formally addressed as Mrs Jane Bloggs (her own first name rather than his). May not be right on this but this is what I vaguely remember from addressing wedding invitations.

edam Thu 09-Aug-07 09:59:01

It would piss me right off. Bugger proper ettiquette, we are not living in the 1950s. We no longer use 'he' instead of 'he or she' or 'they', or call the eldest sister 'Miss surname' and her younger sisters 'Miss firstname surname' a la Jane Austen, so why is it OK to insist a woman is the property of a man in this way?

LilRedWG Thu 09-Aug-07 09:59:25

It's correct etiquette, not an inferrance of your status as a person.

AttilaTheMum Thu 09-Aug-07 10:01:36

My dad, who's 97, always used to say that addressing a woman as Mrs Mary Smith implied that she was divorced. However, I've noticed that he's now taken to using that form - I can't remember when he changed.

morningpaper Thu 09-Aug-07 10:03:55

Yes it's correct etiquette but it's WELL outdated

I find it quite grotesque

Easywriter Thu 09-Aug-07 10:04:42

I think you need more time to get used to this (though whether you should really have to is another debate altogether). I am constantly 'married off' in both post and conversation.

At first it annoyed the a*se off me. (I plan, for personal reasons, to always keep my own name) but now, after 10 years and especially since having children I realise that it's the easiest thing for people to do.

There are a zillion reasons why they do it: wanting to not offend you (I think) is v. close to the top of the list (I know! Bonkers), not knowing, guessing, assuming, for ease, considering themselves polite.

This happens more and more especially once you have chidren.

Like I said, 10 years since it began, it's like water off a ducks back to me. I try to view it like this. For people who I don't know and probably won't ever meet again, -what does it matter, I let it go?

For close friends who know I'll remind them of my name once and then make a joke out of it.

For people I will see again but have assumed we're married I usually point out that my name is different.

Sometimes I even marry myself off. (Just on occasions when it's quicker i.e. when it's something to do with my children (who have DP's name) and I don't have time to get into te (dull, dull, dull) detail.

MrsBadger Thu 09-Aug-07 10:05:40

like Lapin I wouldn't be offended, tis just old fashioned, like things addressed to Jack Badger Esq. rather than Mr Jack Badger.

But personally I don't do it, even in formal situations, if the card is going only to the woman
eg 'Mr & Mrs Jack Badger' of you're writing to both or
'Mrs Wilhelmina Badger' for her only.

Habbibu Thu 09-Aug-07 10:06:04

I know it's "correct etiquette", but it's wildly outdated, sexist and drives me insane. In particular, it really annoyed me that as soon as I got married, my "Dr" title was abandoned by many, and I became Mrs instead. My husband, on the other hasnd, still got to be called Dr. Why? Just because it's traditional doesn't make it right.

daisythedog Thu 09-Aug-07 10:06:42

ha! -- I started a thread yesterday about my MIL enforcing Jane Austen etiquette and had trouble coming up with examples (also didn't want to out myself to possible Mumsnetter inlaws) but this is one of the things she does. I did in fact change my surname when we married but did I completely cease to exist except as some appendage of my husband? I find it really insulting.

Pruners Thu 09-Aug-07 10:07:05

Message withdrawn

chopchopbusybusy Thu 09-Aug-07 10:07:57

My Mum does this to me. I've asked her not to but she still does it. It's mildly irritating but I'm not going to lose sleep over it.

MrsBadger Thu 09-Aug-07 10:08:13

ah, the minefields of two doctors... am always at a loss how to address PIL's cards
'The Drs Badger'
'Dr & Dr Badger'
'Dr E & Dr E Badger' (same initial makes it even harder...)

policywonk Thu 09-Aug-07 10:11:28

Stuff like this is just inexcusably sexist and crap. Just because some encrusted troglodyte decreed that it was proper etiquette a couple of hundred years ago is NO REASON to continue doing it now.

balancingact Thu 09-Aug-07 10:11:39

it was a thank you card for a pressie we sent to her dd!

the other one was a bday card for me

Pruners Thu 09-Aug-07 10:12:19

Message withdrawn

MrsBadger Thu 09-Aug-07 10:13:08

oh now that is poor

but obviously she is just a fraek and is not doing it maliciously to annoy you.

daisythedog Thu 09-Aug-07 10:14:11

It may be "proper etiquette", but isn't etiquette really about making the other person feel comfortable? So if you know that she doesn't like being addressed by her husband's first name, isn't it more polite to not do it? I find it odd that my MIL always rides the high horse of etiquette when in reality bydoing so she often disregards people's feelings.

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