To refuse to lend him money/ignore his message

[AnotherNameChangeReally]

Name changed so that this doesn't connect with previous posts I've made as some details could be outing if the people involved read this.

OK, so I'm pretty sure I am in the right here and OH is with me. He barely knows the guy, I've met him maybe 5 times in the 10 years I've been with my oh.

My OH's cousins boyfriend sent him a message first August bank holiday weekend (early hours) asking to borrow some money, promising to return it the next day. Bit odd for him to contact OH asking for money, but he said he was stuck, so we transferred the money. Heard nothing again, not a big issue. I'm on statutory maternity pay, but we're not hard up, he's OH cousin's partner and it was only £40. So we agreed, not the end of the world, we'll write it off, just won't lend him money again.

If its relevant, OH's cousin and her boyfriend both have very well paid jobs, earn much more than OH and I. I'm not fussed by this, I'm completely aware everyone gets stuck occasionally.

A week or so later, he sends a message in the middle of the night again, direct to me this time, asking for £30 (no reason for this request) I apologised and said no, I can't afford to as it was a few days before payday (OH gets paid mid month) and all money in accounts is allocated. He asked if he was to return it same day (no mention of previous loan) I again say no as its for food shop and I need it for the morning. No response.

As he had asked for money a second time I told OH I was going to ask for the original loan back, I left it until after second August bank holiday so he'd have a chance to be paid. OH was fine with this. I sent the message saying that we needed the money back and could he please return it. He replied saying he had totally forgotten that he still owed it and will transfer it that day and asked for bank details.

It took him 2 days to transfer that money. In that time OH cousin also sent me a message saying sorry that he had asked for money and to let her know if he does it again.

Now, here we are, I'm doing the night feed and I've had a message pop up on my phone asking for another loan, and the promise it'll be returned tonight.

Am I wrong to ignore him, (I haven't opened the message) and talk to OH when he gets up later to decide whether to lend the money or not?

The only thing I am sure I will be doing is letting his girlfriend know he's asked for more money.

[StoneofDestiny]

Don't reply and block

[Snugglepumpkin]

Don't open it, don't lend him money.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Sounds like he is snorting coke.
Dont reply, dont lend any more money.

[Monty27]

Check your bank account. I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him and I'd make sure I got the first amount back.
What's your ohs cousin doing with this weirdo?

[Apolloanddaphne]

Sounds like he has issues with maybe drugs or gambling. I would absolutely not lend him any further money and I would also let his OH know he has contacted you again.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Is it always in the small hours when he asks? And 30 - 40 quid they do coke for those prices round here.
You can bet your bottom dollar that is what's behind it. He probably has 2 bank accounts hence why he has the funds available to transfer back pretty quick.

[Aquamarine1029]

Hell would freeze over twice before I have these arseholes another pound. Ignore and block.

[mantlepiece]

My immediate thought is that he is gambling. Therefore no don’t lend or give the money and definitely tell his partner.

[Longlivepenguins]

Ignore, block, inform cousin this must stop. Don't enable a user.

[Hannah1990x]

Absolutely do not lend him any more money, sounds like it's for drugs. Block him and inform the cousin.

[MeanMrMustardSeed]

Do him a favour and don’t lend the money. There’s obviously some sort of problem and he needs to sort it out. If you’re bailing him out, he’s not dealing with it.

[AnotherNameChangeReally]

Thank you for the replies everyone and for reinforcing my initial thought to ignore him.

Yes, all instances have been between 2 and 4am. I do hope it's not gambling or drugs because they have a young baby and from the outside an enviable relationship. Just shows you don't always know what's going on behind closed doors.

I've sent her a message to let her know he has asked again.

[Mothership4two]

Same thoughts here @mantlepiece

Odd behaviour. Tell her and block him.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Its 100% coke. Gambling would be more sporadic throughout the day plus they tend to literally gamble all their money away.
This sounds like he's at the stage in the night were what he has previously bought has ran out & is itching for more. I know coke addicts inside out. They will contact anyone and everyone to get hold of it once it runs out. If they cant get any, the craving goes and often they wake up glad they couldnt get hold of any. Hence the two bank accounts.
Its absolutely endemic in my city but no one admits to it as theyre all scared of being branded a dirty coke head.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Eeek, I think you did the right thing to just tell his girlfriend - sounds like he definitely has a problem and it's not down to you or your DP to fix it with money, even if he does pay it back.

Hope this guy gets himself sorted, he sounds very flaky.

[PositiveVibez]

It definitely sounds like drugs. The amounts of money are very 'coke' related.

That's why his partner is asking to be alerted. You have definitely done the right thing.

[Monkeyplanet]

Sounds like gambling. I know the signs now. I had someone ask me for everything I had in my bank account when I was a student and it would be returned immediately. They left me with £10 for Christmas and no money to get to work for a week until my next weekly check came in. And got pissy when I asked for the money back. Continued to ask for small amounts here and there. It's gambling. They expect to win and give you back the initial loan and win back the money they lost. They are in a hole after having lost money and think "if only I can get my hands on some money, I know I can win my money back and make some more". Don't lend them and tell your oh's cousin so she knows her partner keeps badgering you for money

[AlaskaSometimes]

Tell your cousin that her partner is trying to borrow money again. He is def on coke.

[seeleym]

That's so strange

[PotterHead1985]

Yea it's got me thinking drugs to at those hours and amounts

[BlueJava]

Your plan is spot on, don't read and don't give him anything. I'd be very surprised if this is anything other than coke. I'd also be blocking him but tell your cousin.

[mawof3soontobe]

One hundred percent cocaine. £40 buys you an eighth of an ounce around here. Sounds like his partner controls the funds in one bank account and he doesn't have access to it while he has another account. Which explains why he "forgot" he owed you and when asked to pay back she asked you to tell her if he asks again

[AstridAsterson]

I'd say gambling, as he intends to pay it back the same day, i.e. when he's 'won it all back'.

Tell his partner.

[Longlivepenguins]

@mawof3soontobe 1/8th of an ounce for £40??? That's around 3.5g. You sure?

Do NOT tell anyone where you live or you'll be inundated with middle class mums desperate for a line, according to the Fail.

[cccameron]

One hundred percent cocaine. £40 buys you an eighth of an ounce around here

Are you sure mawof3soontobe. I doubt it
Sounds like gambling. Hence the pay you straight back as he thinks he's going to win. Sounds like the girlfriend is on to him though. You did the right thing messaging her. If he's asking you and you barely know him, imagine how many close friends and family he had already exhausted!