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to be getting pissed off at my (childless) thoughtless friend?

(18 Posts)
Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 18:42:10

We've both had a big year - within months of eachother, she got married, and I had my first baby. my family is far away, and dh often works away from home for long stretches. She has the kind of job that means she has a lot of time off, and lives around the corner. Before ds arrived, she offered to be around to help in any way she could. Now ds is here I barely see or hear from her, and she often doesn't reply to texts and emails about meeting up for a stroll or a drink. Now, I can imagine that I am VERY BORING what with my conversation being strictly limited to poo and possets, and ds' crying/feeding etc 'interrupting' all the time. But. I do kind of expect someone who's been a close friend to make a bit of an effort. I'm feeling a bit isolated and would love to see her a couple of times a week.
What makes it grate more is that when she was fretting about wedding stuff, I took time off work to help her sort things. I was heavily pregnant and knackered, but, you know, it was nice to be able to help. When I couldn't go to the whole of her hen do (4 weeks after ds arrived) I organised a surprise dinner a week later with her and another good friend to make up for it. And when she let us know that her wedding was child-free, we sorted babysitting and a hotel room near the venue during the day so I could go there for feeds (bfing and not able to express at the time). ARgh. I don't want to be all martyrish because I didn't mind doing it at the time. Just now it feels a bit one sided.....

LilRedWG Wed 08-Aug-07 18:43:48

Have you told her how you feel? She may be feeling a bit left out, maybe? Nothing either of you have done wrong, just that both your lives have changed massively and it takes time to adjust.

LilRedWG Wed 08-Aug-07 18:44:37

Sorry - that was of absolutely no help whatsoever. What I'm trying to say is, tell her that you miss her! She may be trying not to intrude.

Lorayn Wed 08-Aug-07 18:46:19

You should try talking to her, explain that you miss her, if you say it properly, it should be fine.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 08-Aug-07 18:46:59

spink I think she's just being very naive about life in the way that many people are when they are used to life being all about them.

Maybe the warning signs of her selfishness were there at her wedding when she very meanly separated you and your newborn for the day - newborns do not count as children for most reasonable people in terms of weddings!

I think focus on other friends who are going through the same stuff as you. I think you're right - sounds like she thinks baby stuff is stultifyingly boring.

Friendships do go in phases; she may 'come back' if she has her own child (or just grows up ) That's if you still want her about!

Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 18:47:18

I am a bit of a wuss when it comes to being straight about these kind of things, so I have said stuff like
- it is really lovely to see you, it's really important to me especially now cos I feel so cut off ... it would be great if we could do it more often -
that sort of thing.
I have been told in the past that I come across as managing really well, and that I need to ask for help. But I kind of think that I HAVE.

handlemecarefully Wed 08-Aug-07 18:54:03

Must admit I dropped a few friends (not consciously, I reckon it was unthinkingly) when they had babies. Regret it now of course...

But it didn't make me a bad person at the time - just rather short termist and a little wrapped up in myself and my own world (which a lot of childless people are)

Keep plugging away at it however - don't give up just yet

Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 18:54:14

HG - my dh would agree with you. He gets very annoyed with her and almost didn't go to the wedding.. I sort of understood tho, they were having a very urban chic wedding, and the venue wasn't particularly baby-friendly. And tho the going backwards and forwards to the hotel was a bit of a pain, I actually had a fantastic day
I don't think she does get it, the whole having a baby thing. Probably I was similar before ds came along , I would have had no idea how much life changes. I was one of these people who thought I would keep doing the same things I did before - but now I unashamedly revolve around my baby and his needs, so my world is kind of limited....

LilRedWG Wed 08-Aug-07 18:55:00

Spink - you sound like me! You need to spell it out!!!! "Oi, I'm struggling here, come and have a cuppa/glass of wine please!"

Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 18:55:21

I am like a moon to planet baby...

bookwormtailmum Wed 08-Aug-07 18:56:14

It might help if you could make friends with some other new mums (other than on here) so you have more in common to talk about? I'm the first of my 'peer group' to have children and it's only now 7.2 years after my dd was born that another baby is due to make an appearance in my friends circle. In parenting experience, we're light years apart now. We're still good mates though. You need to really tell her how you feel and that you'd appreciate some emotional support from time to time.

HonoriaGlossop Wed 08-Aug-07 18:56:57

Sounds like your dh is being nicely protective of you - it does sound from your OP that she is a bit used to having you at her beck and call a bit; and it's no doubt very weird for her, now that as you say, your life is revolving around someone else!

I'd say just keep in touch now and again but stop looking for things to be as good as they were, just for now. Just keep in touch so that the chance is there for the future if you both want to take it.

HectorsHouse Wed 08-Aug-07 18:59:12

its a one-way journey - someone without a baby will never understand how you can find the things you find right now fascinating. Well they could if particularly empathetic but your ex-friend isn't.

You need to get your arse out and join some post-natal groups and get to playgroups and get friends who are at the same life stage

she won't normalise as a friend again until she has her own children and then you can sit back and laugh your feckin' head off

crokky Wed 08-Aug-07 19:00:47

She might feel extremely jealous that you have DC and she doesn't? It's also unlikely that she understands what is is like to deal with a young baby or to be isolated so perhaps just persevere and when she has DC of her own, your friendship will be back on track?

Chocolatedays Wed 08-Aug-07 19:07:52

Hi Spink
I'm a childless mnetter - and I just stumbled accross your thread looking through the most recent active conversations.

Is it possible your friend is trying to conceive? I just wonder as, very sadly, I find it very hard to be with friends who have are pregnant or have young kids. I yearn to be like them and it breaks my heart that, at least so far, it is not my destiny. It is very hard for people who get pregnant easily to comprehend the pain....

My bf is pg - I know she finds it tough I am not really there for her at the moment - equally she is not really there for me either... IVF has failed and I've been pretty down.

Just thought it might give a different perspective.

LilianGish Wed 08-Aug-07 19:10:06

A lot of people just don't "do" babies and kids until they have their own - I think her child-free wedding says it all. At least she is married - I had (and still have) some single friends who have really no idea at all what being a parent means and have little interest - beyond a polite inquiry - in how my kids are. If they are really good friends I try and see them without the kids, but I think you have to accept that the basis of the friendship has changed. Get some new friends - the best ones I have now are the ones I made when my kids were babies - there really is no greater bond than the one you have with another mum going through the same things you are.

Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 19:34:36

I think I will spend a bit more time with my new new-parent friends and not expect so much from her at the mo. tbh, I am not that keen on spending time with her anyway, because I feel annoyed and reckon that some time not seeing her will help me to feel less spiky.
Chocolatedays - I'm sorry you are having a hard time. I hope things change for you. I think you've touched on something - not that she is trying to conceive, but that she is torn about wanting to be a mum, but not feeling she can be at the moment - her career isn't AT ALL baby friendly, and she doesn't feel she can take a break from it, for lots of reasons. I wonder if she does look at me and think that I am lucky that it has been so straightforward for me..

Spink Wed 08-Aug-07 19:37:22

& Hectorshouse - your post made me smile, I can imagine in a few years having a grin with her about this. We are both ridiculous analysers and I kind of am curious to hear her take on this, over a glass of wine, once I am not feeling squashed by it anymore

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