to refuse to follow my MIL's ridiculous standards of etiquette?

[daisythedog]

I'm not talking please and thank you here. She expects us (meaning husband, me and 2 young children) to follow conventions that would be appropriate for a Jane Austen novel. Do I stand on ceremony purely to stay on her good side, or do I act as I usually do and risk her thinking that i'm an uncivilized yob? By the way, by all reasonable standards I'm a very polite person, and am extremely respectful of other people's feelings.

[dal21]

Hi daisy - any examples? hard to say without knowing!

[BraceYourselfMavis]

Hmmm.... what specific conventions do she expect you to conform to?

[Lawrene8]

What sort of stuff does she expect you to do?

[RGPargy]

Yeah, come on Daisy, spill the beanz!!

[daisythedog]

write a thank you letter after visit with the kids.

[FrannyandZooey]

Is that it?

[j20baby]

maybe she should write you a thank you letter after seeing the kids.

[startouchedtrinity]

No, you shouldn't write a thank you letter. You are family.

[BraceYourselfMavis]

Depends really.
If you see her often, and just pop in for a cup of tea, then that is unreasonable.

If you see her rarely, and she has gone to a lot of trouble, and made a 12-course dinner, then a little thank you note would be appropriate.

[flowerybeanbag]

How long did you stay and how often is it?
I would think a phone call would be ok, but if you stayed for ages and it involved lots of work etc, maybe a thank you letter wouldn't go amiss.
Having said that, I wouldn't think a thank you letter written because you had told the individual they should would be very meaningful.

[SeamonstEr]

for how long? For a week, well maybe it might be nice, but for an afternoon? Nah.

[Cammelia]

Nothing wrong with that. I would do that automatically or a nice phone call or a nice email, depending on their level of high techness obv.

[flowerybeanbag]

I was thinking it was going to be wearing gloves and 'taking a turn about the room' or similar!

[Kewcumber]

I would ring family and thank them but wouldn't write. (Except to my grandmother who is deaf as a post)

[daisythedog]

there's more. don't want to go into too many details as i believe other IL family members might be on here. i guess the issue is how far to you go to please your unreasonable MIL.

[FrannyandZooey]

Actually I did used to write thank you letters after visiting my MIL. I think it is important to keep on the good side of your dp's family. However that was before I realised MIL has absolutely no manners and is probably too drunk to read the letters.

(I am presuming it is a free for all to slag off one's MIL on this thread? )

[BraceYourselfMavis]

LOL FBB.
Or insisting the ladies leave the dinner table so the gentlemen can get on with the port and cigars.

[Cammelia]

Or not speaking unless spoken to

[daisythedog]

FBB -- honestly, not that far off.

[FrannyandZooey]

As well as pleasing your MIL, it is teaching your children good manners. Writing a note after you have been to stay with someone is a lovely thing to do and it would be great if your children picked up this habit. Maybe try to think of the advantages for your own family, as well as keeping her happy?

[WigWamBam]

If that's all she asks you to do then it's not exactly going to hurt you to do it, is it?

Twenty seconds to write a little card, few pence for a stamp, she's happy and you're still in the will

[SeamonstEr]

lol, not having an opinion and doing embroidery, as naturally we cannot read or write.

[BraceYourselfMavis]

Or insisting they use the tradesman's entrance.

Daisy, I think I would send a note to keep the peace, tbh.

But set the tone in your own home, and build up some family traditions that suit your own style.

And expect MIL to fit in with your conventions at your house, just as you fit in with hers at her house.

Keeping the peace is often much more valuable than being right!

[Cammelia]

Don't fight it Daisy

[Kewcumber]

I thought ladies were made to leave the room so that the gentlemen could pee into chamber pots?