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To think adult birthday wishlists are grabby and cheeky?

(122 Posts)
IsThisACheekyThingToDo Mon 26-Aug-19 11:45:52

My Mil sends a wishlist for her birthday and Christmas every year. Nothing is cheap, nothing below 60 pounds, some of the items are 80 to 100 pounds. I thought mainly children did this. Do you have any adults who send gift wishlists to you for their birthdays and Christmas?
AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?
Is it unreasonable for me and dh to not get something on her wishlist?
When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present.

Lockheart Mon 26-Aug-19 11:49:09

To be fair between two people (you and your DH) I don't think £60-£80 for a birthday present is hugely extravagant, unless she knows you're not as well off as she might be? It's £30-£40 each, which is about what I'd spend for a birthday. However if money is tight then yes she IBU.

Zebraaa Mon 26-Aug-19 11:51:03

I’ve never heard of this from an adult!

RangerLady Mon 26-Aug-19 11:54:29

My IL ask for wishlists from DH and I. If you don't provide one (as I didn't this year as I didn't want anything) you get increasing hassle via phone, WhatsApp etc until you do. DH has asked for and got drain cleaning gloves before! I guess they just want to make sure they get you something you want

To send one without being asked for it is a bit grabby though. And 60+ pounds is more than I spend on anyone's present other than the DC

IsThisACheekyThingToDo Mon 26-Aug-19 11:57:18

Mil is quite well off. Her and fil have 4 properties between them and mortgage paid off etc. We live in a small house and have alot more expenses due to childcare expenses and mortgage etc, so things are certainly tighter for us. 60 - 80 pounds for both birthdays and Christmas plus all the other adults in family to buy for makes it quite expensive. She and fil don't spend that much on me for Christmas/ birthdays etc.

Ponoka7 Mon 26-Aug-19 11:59:02

I think with all the conserns about consumerism, plastics and unwanted presents etc. It's best to do lists.

If you have a need to shop, theres enough charity causes to take part in.

We set budgets in our family. So we know what people can afford. Often my three DDs club together to get something.

It isn't grabby if your family norm is to exchange gifts.

Why waste money and disappoint the receiver?

Windydaysuponus Mon 26-Aug-19 11:59:55

Get her an Oxfam goat....
She is a cf imo.

Ponoka7 Mon 26-Aug-19 12:00:08

Well tell her you can't afford it.

Although we've stopped Adult present buying at Christmas.

JaceLancs Mon 26-Aug-19 12:00:57

I ask my adult DC for a list for birthday and Xmas, also DP
They ask me what I want too
We all have a budget in mind - then maybe spend a bit more on one or two surprise items

Bumbags Mon 26-Aug-19 12:02:21

Bottle of wine and a plant 🌱

Job done ✅

IsThisACheekyThingToDo Mon 26-Aug-19 12:02:40

Ponoka7
I would love to stop adult gifts at Christmas. It would be difficult to persuade mil and sil especially. How did you persuade your family to go along with a no adult gift Christmas?

Inferiorbeing Mon 26-Aug-19 12:03:25

I guess it depends on what your family do, in mine we email each other links to what we want however it's not guaranteed you'll get that present if the other person finds something better/cheaper. But we've always done that so it's easier!

1066vegan Mon 26-Aug-19 12:03:37

I think it's ok for an adult to send a wishlist BUT only if somebody else wants to buy them a present, doesn't know what to get and has asked for ideas. Otherwise it comes across as very grabby.

£60 minimum is really greedy.

WorraLiberty Mon 26-Aug-19 12:04:24

YANBU. If no-one's asked her for one then it's very presumptuous and cheeky.

Stop buying from it and ignore her disappointed face.

Joey7t8 Mon 26-Aug-19 12:05:32

I grew out of expecting birthday presents from anyone by the time I was about 18!

If she wants specific stuff, she should buy it herself. If she can’t afford it, then she shouldn’t expect others to be able to either.

Yugi Mon 26-Aug-19 12:05:40

I have an amazon wishlist but I don't send it out to anyone

Funghi Mon 26-Aug-19 12:05:47

One of my sisters does this. At Christmas I’ll receive a wish list for her and both of her DDs. The DDs usually include catalogue pages with items circled too.

I absolutely hate it and when I’ve dared to ignore it I’ve been lambasted for getting it wrong.

We were struggling financially for quite a while and she didn’t let up. Instead she generously included some cheaper options on her list, one included a SECOND pair of GHD straighteners for her to keep at her partner’s house and monthly contributions to the DC’s hobbies.

FudgeBrownie2019 Mon 26-Aug-19 12:06:01

MIL sent me a link to an Apple watch she wanted for a big birthday last year. Cheeky mare only got me a cheapo bunch of wilted flowers from the local garage.

Lists are for DC. In laws and grown ups get things they can eat, drink or do.

Davros Mon 26-Aug-19 12:06:20

We do between us and my DSis's family because we're going to get each other something so an idea of what someone might want is useful and not wasteful. We can go off list, it's just a guideline and we only do it at Xmas.
I've started a list for my next birthday as it's a big one and we are going to throw, and fully fund, a big party. If people want an idea of what to get me then I'd rather have something I want but suprises are ok. Last birthday both my SILs bought me the same item, different pattern and I don't like either and won't use them. How I wish they'd got me NT membership together - grabby, moi?!

MaureenSowerbutts Mon 26-Aug-19 12:11:29

Wishlists for adults is not something I have ever come across before..I would find it odd if presented with one.

With regards to not buying for adults, you don't need to persuade anyone. You just simply have to say we have decided this year to only buy for children, apologies if this upsets anyone but it makes financial sense for us. Consequently we do not expect to receive any gifts ourselves.

timshelthechoice Mon 26-Aug-19 12:12:35

Why the fuck are you capitulating to her? You can't afford it! It's taking money that you could be using on your kids. It's not 'difficult to persuade' them. You tell them, 'Our finances are really stretched. We can no longer afford gift-giving for adults. I'm sure you understand, you just cannot magic up money.' And that's it! Or you ignore her CF lists! She's grabby and entitled as AF.

KUGA Mon 26-Aug-19 12:15:45

She`s a cheeky cow.
Tell her you don`t want a wish list thank you.
As an adult you can decide what to gat her and what amount to spend.
I personally think that`s far too much money anyway.

Aderyn19 Mon 26-Aug-19 12:16:13

You have to be brave and say to ILs that you will no longer be buying gifts for adults at Christmas and don't want people to buy for you either. It doesn't matter whether they agree or not - no one has a right to spend your money for you. You can say that Christmas has become too much about the shopping for you and less about the celebration, which you want to change.
I'd continue to buy birthday gifts since these are more personal and you only have to get one at a time. But I certainly wouldn't be spending more than I could afford.

I think it's okay to remind wealthy relatives that you have more pressing committments than their wish lists!

It can be an awkward conversation to have but once you've done it the relief is immense. My family only buy for kids now - it's much nicer not to have that pressure at Christmas.

cacklingmags Mon 26-Aug-19 12:16:20

Adults who make a fuss about their birthdays are embarrassing. Tell her to grow up.

timshelthechoice Mon 26-Aug-19 12:16:51

I absolutely hate it and when I’ve dared to ignore it I’ve been lambasted for getting it wrong.

We were struggling financially for quite a while and she didn’t let up. Instead she generously included some cheaper options on her list, one included a SECOND pair of GHD straighteners for her to keep at her partner’s house and monthly contributions to the DC’s hobbies.

So what? 'I'm not interested in being scolded like a child because I can't magic up money for you,' and hang up or leave the room. WTAF? Why the fuck are you allowing yourself to be bullied to the point where you get in debt or spend money you could spend on your kids on shit other people don't need or need to fucking buy for themselves?

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