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Update: moved in with partner..he got fired and expects me to pay the bills..

(313 Posts)
Beachball32 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:30:44

Hi all,

I posted last week and got some brilliant advice- it’s certainly made me see things in a different light.

Basically, I moved in with my partner of 12 months three months ago. He has a rented council flat and I’ve made it a home (buying furniture etc). He got fired because of his attitude/sick days a couple of weeks ago and is now stony broke. He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life. He decided he wanted to do a course via the job centre so he can get a job earning more money but that has been cancelled. He has to wait for a couple of months to start it.
So he’s got no money whatsoever. I have just finalised a really long divorce battle and been given a settlement. I’ve got a lump sum but haven’t told him how much. The emotional trauma has hit me hard and I’ve taken some time to adjust. My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work. I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).
I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..

MyCatIsNotAllThat Sat 24-Aug-19 12:32:11

Run.

SurferRona Sat 24-Aug-19 12:33:00

What was the outcome of you acting on the previous brilliant advice you were given?

sackrifice Sat 24-Aug-19 12:33:34

Up sticks and get outta there.

sheshootssheimplores Sat 24-Aug-19 12:33:38

Fucking hell!!!! Run like your arse is on fire OP.

FeedMeTikka Sat 24-Aug-19 12:33:44

It’s a no brainer, run and build yourself a new life. Good luck flowers

Brexitstash Sat 24-Aug-19 12:34:01

Agree run away from this sponger

dramaqueen Sat 24-Aug-19 12:34:09

Yup, run. Really fast.

noeyedeer Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:02

Run. Start again. Of course he's been 'nice since the settlement', he knows a good thing when he sees it.

Lorraine265 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:13

Run

DogWorried Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:33

Run.. Run..RUN! And don't look back! Please don't waste another penny!

FrenchSchnoodle Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:46

Why are you even considering staying? You have an amazing opportunity to do things that will make you happy. Go.

catsbeensickagain Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:48

Run and don’t look back. But you already know that!

Reindeerssmellbetter Sat 24-Aug-19 12:35:50

Run as fast as you can and don't look back. He's a sponger and a leech and this won't.end well for you.

Bookworm4 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:36:23

Why would you kit out his flat? He saw you coming!
Go, find your peace and don’t look back.
Here’s his cocklodger prize 🏆

Merryoldgoat Sat 24-Aug-19 12:36:26

On your last thread everyone said ‘run’ - you’ll get the exact same advice.

This isn’t supporting someone who is going through a rough patch - this is someone who doesn’t want to work and expects to be given everything.

You’re a fool to stay.

SophieSong Sat 24-Aug-19 12:36:33

Come on, you know why he is doing this. He's quit his job and is being nice to you because he wants you to provide his lifestyle for him.

He's already got his eye on new, more expensive furniture has he? I wonder what else is on his little shopping list for you to buy.

He's gone through how many jobs in 12 months?

MadameJosephine Sat 24-Aug-19 12:37:20

Fucking hell!!!! Run like your arse is on fire OP

THIS^^^

Couldn’t have put it better

Nameisthegame Sat 24-Aug-19 12:37:22

Just run.

sunshinesupermum Sat 24-Aug-19 12:37:47

Why are you even asking? Just go. NOW

Beachball32 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:37:48

The previous advice given has helped me feel stronger. I get my settlement in a couple of weeks but I want to be 100% sure I’m making the right decision- I love him very much and am hoping those feelings are reciprocated

Takemebacktolondon Sat 24-Aug-19 12:38:29

I didn’t see your last thread but do you think posters are going to say the same?

BlockedAndDeleted Sat 24-Aug-19 12:39:01

This isn’t an update. This is a repeat of the thread you posted last week.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3665590-Moved-in-with-partner-he-got-fired-and-expects-me-to-pay-the-bills-Aibu

You’ve done nothing new since you posted that one - what were you hoping to hear?

The same replies?

Sigh81 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:39:34

Upping sticks and settling somewhere on the coast sounds like a dream.

Honestly, do you want to be with someone with such an appalling work ethic for the long term?! What kind of future is that for you.

You need to make the most of this opportunity - you will likely never get another one.

LakieLady Sat 24-Aug-19 12:39:42

Yep, run.

If he wants "a bigger expensive settee", he can get himself a job and bloody well buy one.

GirlInTheDirtyShirt Sat 24-Aug-19 12:39:44

Run. Don’t look back. You’re vulnerable, you’ve just come out of a divorce, why on earth would you sink your money into this shiftless waster? You owe him nothing, and certainly shouldn’t be providing for him, particularly if he’s putting in precisely zero effort financially. Run. For. The. Hills.

SophieSong Sat 24-Aug-19 12:40:02

Well, there's one way to figure out if they are reciprocated. Tell him he isn't getting any of your money. Tell him you want to live by yourself, but continue to see him. But no money. No paying for his rent, for food, for bills, for new expensive furniture.

See how he reacts to that.

FlorencesHunger Sat 24-Aug-19 12:40:21

Cut and run, waiting on you hand and foot will only last as long as you support him financially without quibble. He has shown you who he is, no work ethic and wants to sponge of your Income.

Sex and a topped up coffee is nice but definitely doesn't make an equal and satisfying relationship.

It's only been 12 months go start a new life for you and dont get lumbered with leeches.

marblesgoing Sat 24-Aug-19 12:40:29

Mug.

How nice he's being because he knows you have a settlement coming??

Be interesting if you were to say you've decided to invest all the settlement and see his attitude towards you change then.

He clearly already thinks it's ok to not look for work and let you fund everything. What makes you think that attitude will change when you rock up with a lump sum.

Don't be a mug

timshelthechoice Sat 24-Aug-19 12:41:17

FFS! I was on your last thread. You would be an utter fool to stay with this loafer. You need to get over this need to be living with a man mentality because you jumped into this relationship and shacked up with this loser you barely knew (although you already knew he was a total zero). Give your head a wobble! He's nice to you because you're a meal ticket! You already have another home to go to. You're throwing money out a window! A charity would make better use out of it.

noeyedeer Sat 24-Aug-19 12:41:19

You are not, "sinking money into this relationship" by buying carpets, you're sinking money into a property that you do not own and have no stake in. He can love you all he wants, but I guarantee it won't take long for your respect of him to go if you keep spending money on his wish list without him contributing more than a smoothie and a cup of coffee.

HangryPants Sat 24-Aug-19 12:42:46

Why don’t you set up solo and continue dating this man? Give the relationship a bit of space?

Missillusioned Sat 24-Aug-19 12:43:43

Ok, if you don't want to end the relationship, then simply move out and tell him you're doing so for him because then he will be able to claim benefits, but you still want to continue the relationship.

His response will tell you what you need to know

MyCatIsNotAllThat Sat 24-Aug-19 12:43:47

I was just reading this thread OP. Hopefully these women have learned from their mistakes!
imgur.com/gallery/MbVXypM

FrenchSchnoodle Sat 24-Aug-19 12:44:23

If I were you I'd read your own previous thread.

It's true that there's no update but you can change that. Start making a plan ... where would you like to live? What about work? Could you move in with family or a friend now whilst you make your plans?

You say you love him but you're enabling his lazy arse behaviour. You'll never achieve what you want to whilst you're with him.

ControversialFerret Sat 24-Aug-19 12:45:05

Have you asked him why he isn't looking for work?

NoSquirrels Sat 24-Aug-19 12:45:14

I’ve got enough money to start a new life...upping sticks and starting afresh somewhere (by the coast maybe)...either that or investing my money in this relationship (for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee).

Well, I also think you should run like your arse is on fire because he’s a job-shy scrounger who you’ll regret staying with.

But these aren’t your ONLY choices! You can choose to stay in the relationship but move out to your own place.

You could stay in the relationship and keep living in his flat but not buy the carpets and sofa (although someone will have to pay the bills).

What do you see in him? Why did you get together and move in together? If you want an equal partnership he’s not the one for you.

HouseworkAvoider10 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:45:23

Move back out asap.

Nanny0gg Sat 24-Aug-19 12:45:56

But what is going to change?

Yes, you love him now, but what about 5/10 years down the line?

He has no ambition, he's actually workshy. He should be looking for anything right now to pay his way until things look up.

He's not for you. Get out before it costs you any more.

AnneLovesGilbert Sat 24-Aug-19 12:46:28

How is this an update?

You’re getting the same advice this time as last time, with a well deserved side order of “how many times do you need talking to get the fuck away from this sponging work shut useless loser”. Repeated use of “but I luuurrvvee him” isn’t going to make anyone tell you to stay hmm

Yodude Sat 24-Aug-19 12:46:40

I normally sit on the side of sharing what you have with your partner but not in this case. This is a new relationship. He isn't even trying at the start of your relationship. Run, take your money and run. You will regret anything else.

Thornhill58 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:47:26

I'm ok being with a poor man if the man has ambition and work ethic.
If he is lazy now that means he'll be confortable with very little.
I'll run.

GypsumFantastic Sat 24-Aug-19 12:48:09

Are you sure it’s terror you feel when you think about cutting and running? Might actually be excitement

elephantfan Sat 24-Aug-19 12:48:33

He is a sponger.

cakeandchampagne Sat 24-Aug-19 12:49:11

You are making a big mistake spending any time or money on this guy.

everyonecaneffoff Sat 24-Aug-19 12:49:42

I thought this was going to be a great update where you told us that following on from the other thread you had moved back into your own house (which you had planned to rent out but hadn't yet).
Then this disappointing what shall I do thread...
I'll say the same as I did on the last thread - ltb. Take your stuff and go back to your own house ASAP.
This bloke is a loser and a waster and will bring you years of pain.
Your financial settlement from your divorce will end up going down the pan supporting this total waste of space.

OhUmOhUm Sat 24-Aug-19 12:49:48

He is using you.

Run as quick as you can from this sponger.

He would leave you in a heartbeat if you had no money.

Sigh81 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:50:05

You will find another man (possibly one who is willing to contribute more to the relationship than just the odd coffee and bath) but an opportunity like this will not come along again.

Honestly, do you foresee a happy future with this man?

Lipz Sat 24-Aug-19 12:50:14

I said on the other thread as did others that he is a sponger and he is. He is being nice to you because he knows you got money, he lost his job when you moved in, very convenient ! He knows he doesn't have to look for work or even go to it when he has a job because you are paying for everything, I don't know why you can't see what is plain as day ? he is a using, useless, greedy, self centred Prick ! seriously, you shouldn't have to ask if you should leave him. Who the fuck wants smoothies and topped up coffee all day long ?! people want a loving, kind, generous, thoughtful, hard working partner, he is NONE of these. You would be out of your mind to stay in this relationship !!! if you do your money will dwindle FAST and he will dump you ! he is loving this life, all his rent, bill and food paid for and any nice shiny things he want for his house and all he has to do is top your coffee and give you smoothies.

JudgeRindersMinder Sat 24-Aug-19 12:50:54

In what way is the unknown any worse than shacking up with this waster?
What exactly do you love about him?
Have you asked him how HE proposes to fun this sofa and carpets that HE wants?

Please get the hell out of there, if your feelings were reciprocated he wouldn’t be sitting on his arse. You’ve come through a messy divorce-you have the strength to do that so you certainly have the strength to kick him to the kerb.
Go and please yourself, get your own place, rediscover who YOU are and what YOU want and need in life...don’t date, don’t invest in anyone but yourself for at least a year

MirrorrorriM Sat 24-Aug-19 12:51:06

Hmmm. Should I buy someone who refuses to work a sofa and some carpet or should I grab life by the horns and fulfil my dream of moving to the coast and starting afresh? 🤔. Tough call, said no one ever.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 24-Aug-19 12:51:36

He doesn’t have the capacity to truly love or love you if he wants you to flush your financial future down the toilet.

Run run run.

viques Sat 24-Aug-19 12:51:41

He thinks he shouldn't have to work as its no life aw bless.

Well there you are,he wants it on a plate. Guess what, you are the plate.

My advice to you is to go back to the stone you found him under and put him back.

LittlePaintBox Sat 24-Aug-19 12:51:46

Sorry, OP, but this man has all the hallmarks of a conman. Of course he's being nice to you while he's trying to persuade you to invest your money in stuff he wants, but doing that to stay with a man who you 'hope' loves you is no plan for your future.

Stick your money far away from where he can get his hands on it and leave, because he'll keep up the pressure until he gets you to spend it on him otherwise.

Merryoldgoat Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:00

Buy WHY do you love him? Because he makes you smoothies?

I always read this ‘but I love him’ and it’s always about some waste of space who treats you badly.

I love my husband:

He’s reliable, trustworthy, honest, kind, generous, an excellent dad, even tempered, calm, patient, understanding, strong, hilarious, intelligent, moral, has integrity, loves his family, isn’t afraid to admit he’s wrong, is humble.

Your partner is so cantankerous he can’t keep a job.

BlockedAndDeleted Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:21

Let me spell it out for you.

He does not love you.

He loves your money and an easy life.

Once that runs out so will he.

You will be left with nothing.

You are a 50 something woman not an inexperienced ingenue.

There’s no fool like an old fool.

Stop wasting everyone’s time and effort on here.

Shit or get off the pot.

greenlavender Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:39

Run. You don't really need to ask.

BelleSausage Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:45

RUN!

Use that money to start a new life somewhere by the sea. You’ll meet someone else.

As my dad says- the cure for love is money. Once your settlement runs out and you are trapped and working your arse off to support him will the love last.

NO! He’s not your partner. He’s your dependent. Cut him loose.

MaryBerrysBomberJacket Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:48

Been in a similar situation and I am so glad I walked away. Never, ever again will I be the meal ticket for a working loser.

To enjoy life; I only regret not doing it sooner!

inlectorecumbit Sat 24-Aug-19 12:52:56

You are nowt but a meal ticket to him OP. I am sorry but he saw you coming.
Please see this relationship for what it is. Take your money and run.

flowers

Whosorrynow Sat 24-Aug-19 12:54:36

The writing is on the wall you know what you need to do!

everyonecaneffoff Sat 24-Aug-19 12:54:38

he also wants a bigger expensive settee
Then he can fucking well get a job and save the money to pay for it. If he doesn't want to work/can't modify his behaviour to keep a job, then he'll have to make do with the settee he has.

I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us- I’m tempted to take my money and run but am terrified of the unknown. AIBU to think he’s a sponger? He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) since my settlement but doesn’t have a penny so I’m paying for everything..
Yeah - he's manipulating you. He senses the fact you are unsure/thinking over the relationship and he's doing everything possible to show what a lovely boyfriend he is. Running baths? Making smoothies? Fuck that. The one thing he should be doing is moving mountains to get a job.
Once he realizes he has hooked you and you're paying for all sorts of shit, he'll pack in with the romantic bath running.

You say you are afraid of the unknown. You shouldn't be afraid of the unknown - but you should be afraid of a life with this scrounger and you ending up penniless and stuck with him.

NotStayingIn Sat 24-Aug-19 12:54:49

Just stay with this sad loser and have a shit life.

It’s not what I would do or advice a friend to do but if you really can’t work out by now that you deserve so much better then stay.

Ilikethisone Sat 24-Aug-19 12:55:38

I'll give the same advice I did before.

He sees you as a meal ticket. Of course he he is being great. He knows you have money coming.

Why on earth would you even consider buying new carpets for his property. If he wants a new sofa, he gets a job and pays for it.

Either you are just attention seeking here or you are desperate for someone, even just one person, to say he obviously loves you so you can carry on.

If you stay with him you will find yourself penniless, unloved in an awful relationship.

Once your money has gone and his course is done he may pull his finger out and get a decent job. At which point, you wont be usef to him anymore and he will move on.

He appears to love you, because you are useful to him.

Get rid or accept the consequences.

CaMePlaitPas Sat 24-Aug-19 12:55:41

In your situation OP, with a shitty divorce behind me and a lump sum in my bank account? I'd make a new life for me and not look back.

Let this man be someone else's problem.

Pollypenguin01 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:57:14

FGS just leave.

Leave now, today and move in with parents/friends/even a hotel is a better option and find a new house miles away from this using fucker and work on yourself and your need to jump into a shitty relationship rather than be alone.

You do realise he won’t continue to ‘keep your coffee cup topped up’ or ‘run you hot baths’ he will slowly do less and less.
He can hear the cash ringing and is keeping you sweet while you pile all of your money into him and his home only for him to drop you as soon as the cash runs out.

He is not a nice person! He is very obviously using you for money and thinking you are too stupid to see it.

I bet it was his idea he needed a new expensive bigger sofa! But obviously only because he wants the home to be comfy and smart for you because you deserve the best.

Everything monetary wise you pile into this relationship you will never get back. You are not married and won’t get half of anything. He will dump you and tell you to move out, as it’s his house you’ll have to go and have absolutely no comeback in terms of money, furniture or any other expenses you put in.

Loopytiles Sat 24-Aug-19 12:57:46

How much you love him isn’t a relevant factor in deciding whether to stay with him. How much do you care for yourself?

His treatment of you isn’t loving.

Waveysnail Sat 24-Aug-19 12:58:28

Two options either start fresh in new location (up to you if you invite him but make sure everything is in your name) or buy your own place within reasonable distance of his so you can continue the relationship but have your own property to invest in

Fraggling Sat 24-Aug-19 12:59:00

Or

If he's lovely but skint just move out

You don't have to live together

Move out and date him

He can look after himself

That's the only other thing I can think of that isn't leaving completely, which sounds lovely tbh

acatcalledjohn Sat 24-Aug-19 12:59:10

he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life.

Fuck me, that's a turn off and a half. How can you love and fancy someone with that attitude?

He a scrounger.

ShutTheFridgeUp Sat 24-Aug-19 12:59:24

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run, RUN!

HollowTalk Sat 24-Aug-19 12:59:41

Frying pan. Fire.

Read your own posts as though they were written by your daughter. Now advise her.

With every job he either walks out or is fired. Now you have come along and he wants a new sofa?

Honestly, you really need to get out of this situation and to do the Freedom programme online.

Jenu294 Sat 24-Aug-19 12:59:57

My partner has been really nice to me- supportive, cooking and waiting on me hand and foot. However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work.

Cooking and waiting on you isn't going to pay any bills. Either get the council flat put into your name and make it officially yours (I'm not sure how you go about this?) or go live your dream and set up a new life; preferably with someone who isn't lazy and has a zest for life?!

Looks like he showing his true colours - do you really want to spend the rest of your life supporting someone who can't be bothered to work? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Plenty more fish as they say.... don't settle. And don't tell him any of your financial matters either!!

Luckybe40 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:00:12

He’s going to spend a ALL your money and when that’s gone, he’ll start being really fucking horrible to you so that you have to leave. You’ll leave penniless and older with nothing. But you LOVVVVE him. So crack on....

BlockedAndDeleted Sat 24-Aug-19 13:00:42

What. Is. WRONG. WIth. You.

The guy has. Non-Mol order against him

You knew this and went ahead!!!

FFS

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3572564-Meeting-someone-new-after-abusive-relationship

Why waste everyone’s time with these threads as you just carry on regardless

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3558004-Is-this-guy-toying-with-me-Messing-with-my-head

It’s one of those situations where it’s very hard to have sympathy with the victim

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 24-Aug-19 13:01:11

Okay, so, say that he's a really nice, decent guy who just happens to be out of work at the moment.

Then he will be fine with you moving out to your own property and seeing him on a 'dating' basis, whilst you look to your own financial future, won't he? You could always move back in together once he's back up on his feet and properly employed (for longer than, say, a year).

And don't you dare pay for every 'date'...

If, as I suspect, he thinks he's on to a good financial thing with you, he won't want you to move out or have your own place. He'll want to guilt you into buying him all the things he wants 'because you love him'.

And you only say that you 'hope' he loves you as much as you love him? Why wouldn't you be sure?

everyonecaneffoff Sat 24-Aug-19 13:02:00

Everything monetary wise you pile into this relationship you will never get back. You are not married and won’t get half of anything. He will dump you and tell you to move out, as it’s his house you’ll have to go and have absolutely no comeback in terms of money, furniture or any other expenses you put in.
^This. I'm highlighting this because you need to read it more than once.

You've got your own house OP. You have somewhere to go. It's not like some women who have nowhere to go and next to no money so very difficult to afford a deposit on rental property. Please go back to your own house before you become one of those women posting on mumsnet that you need to get out but you can't afford to!

Branleuse Sat 24-Aug-19 13:02:02

Is he a tortured artist, or just a bum?

I guess it depends if you would rather have a bloke treating you like hes your butler/housewife, or whether youd prefer a more equal partnership where he contributed?

NovemberWitch Sat 24-Aug-19 13:02:24

You don’t have a partner.
You have a pet.
A large, expensive pet with specialist requirements and demands who may live another 60 years.
As long as you are clear about the relationship, everything is fine.

Whatsnewpussyhat Sat 24-Aug-19 13:02:28

Funny how he managed to keep his job until you moved it eh.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
HE IS ONLY INTERESTED IN THAT LOVELY LUMP SUM YOU ARE EXPECTING.
HE IS BEING NICE TO YOU FOR HIS OWN BENEFIT, NOT YOURS.

Do not waste any more of your life or money on this fucking loser or you will end up broke and miserable with no way out.

Ilikethisone Sat 24-Aug-19 13:03:37

FWIW op I had been with do and he was made redundant. Even though he struggled for cash and I had my divorce settlement he wouldnt have expected help. If i offered to pay for something he would remind me i needed to keep that money. Of course I did, but I didn't mind paying for lunch or something.

He wouldnt even talk about planning to move in until he had been in a job long enough to be permanent and secure.

Dp also likes things like nice sofas, nice things in the home. He works for them and pays for them.

I dont want to work. Ideally I would love to be a millionaire and not work at all. But I am not. Its thought shit. I have to work.

He thinks he doesnt have to work, because you will subsidise his lifestyle. And he ahsnt even discussed it with you. He made the decision that he was leaving work and doing a course knowing you would pick up the bill.

And you are doing it. He wasnt wrong.

HaileySherman Sat 24-Aug-19 13:03:57

Unfortunately the faults you have described are serious and things that are likely to severely impact your future happiness. As others have said, if you're head over heels in love with him, that makes it a lot harder to leave him, but i think it's for the best. Has he given any indication that he wants to and is willing to change his ways? Even if he has, I'd be reluctant to stay if he hasn't taken actions towards change. However if he doesn't see any problems, then that speaks for itself. Unless you are up for a life full of 100% taking care of this person who has an aversion to work. I tjink eventually the infatuation will fade, as you begin to see him more as a responsibility than a life partner.

TryTry123 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:05:35

Go, and buy a beach house!

Rosarocks Sat 24-Aug-19 13:07:09

He got fired because of his attitude/sick days

He’s had a few jobs since I met him but he’s quit or been fired..he refuses to work past 5pm and thinks we shouldn’t have to work at all as it’s no life

he doesn’t seem to be looking for work

for example he has no carpets so I need to pay for them..he also wants a bigger expensive settee

I feel under such financial pressure to provide for us

OP it's as plain as the nose on your face that this is not a 'blip' or a 'rough patch' in his life, his financial/employment issues are entirely of his own making and clearly illustrate his attitude to earning a living. He doesn't think he should have to and is now looking to you to enable that for him.

He may not know how much your settlement is but presumably he knows there is one and his eyes are firmly on the prize, your money. If you continue funding him I predict that you will pour thousands into his house, carpets, expensive sofas etc only to find (probably around the time the money runs out) the relationship falls apart and you end up having to walk away from a home you have no claim on with nothing left to set yourself up with.

This isn't a temporary problem with him, it's his overall attitude to life and money (that someone else should pay basically!) and it will not change. Using your settlement to fund his life and his house would be monumentally stupid and shortsighted, you have the means to live your own dream, don't let him take that from you because I guarantee you will regret it.

Dandelion1993 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:07:31

Take your settlement, find your own place and jusy enjoy being you for a while.

It's sounds like you deserve some time for you and to enjoy yourself. Don't fund his lazy lifestyle

AuntieMaggie Sat 24-Aug-19 13:07:47

He does everything for me (running baths, making me daily smoothies, keeping my coffee cup topped up) This reminded me of Dirty John!

Do yourself a favour - stop spending your money and leave.

truthisarevolutionaryact Sat 24-Aug-19 13:09:13

OP - is this the same man? In April you described him as:

He IS very paranoid actually...says I shouldn’t have male friends. Gets aggressive a lot, mood swings and he twists everything I say. I’m crying as I type this...he makes me feel really bad about myself. I try standing my ground on things but he dismisses me/talks over me. He also gives me lots of ‘advice’ about everything and he always has to be ‘right’. If I’m COMPLETELY HONEST WITH MYSELF I am nervous and frightened near him, always worried about his moods. He is in my head 24/7 and I find myself lying about silly things because he won’t approve. I have no idea why I’m clinging to him, it’s like he has this power over me

Yet you're still with him and thinking about investing more with him? Go and read what you have said about him in your previous threads.

CaptainMyCaptain Sat 24-Aug-19 13:09:21

New life by the sea … or buy carpets for no-hoper boyfriend? Run, now!

TooTrueToBeGood Sat 24-Aug-19 13:09:32

You don't love him OP. I'm sure you think you do, but you don't. You are recovering from an abusive relationship. Your self-esteem and confidence will be on the floor and you'll latch on to anything that feels remotely comforting and supportive. Like most recovering abuse victims, you would "love" a turd if it was one of the smiley ones. You've fallen into the sadly all too common trap of escaping one abuser and running straight into the arms of another.

Rosarocks Sat 24-Aug-19 13:09:35

God yes Auntie I'd forgotten about Dirty John, the smoothies!

Whatsnewpussyhat Sat 24-Aug-19 13:10:31

You need to learn to be on your own without being so utterly dependant on a man, any man. And spend some of that money on counselling.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sat 24-Aug-19 13:11:07

I don't think you love him really, I think you're worried that you will never have another relationship so you're clinging to anyone who shows an interest. You hope he loves you, but what he actually loves is what you can buy for him. He is doing cute things for you the way that a dog does cute tricks, not because it makes you happy but because it gets him treats.

Decide for yourself to be happy being single. Take up new interests, socialise with lots of people, make new friends. If you are happy with yourself then you are less likely to fall for opportunistic shysters. Living with an arsehole is blocking you from all likelihood of meeting and forming a relationship with a kind, respectful soulmate.

SavingSpaces2019 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:11:13

However he doesn’t seem to be looking for work
He made his attitude towards work and being an 'equal partner' in a relationship VERY CLEAR to you from the beginning - he is NOT INTERESTED in being self sufficient (doing it for himself) or in being an equal partner (compromising re getting a job to share the financial burden of life).
What he wants is for SOMEONE ELSE to pay his way in life and wipe his arse for him.

He's good at targeting vulnerable women - like you.
He knows you're emotionally wounded and want/need love and comfort.
He's selling you the ILLUSION of all that when in REALITY it's YOU who's actually providing that for yourself.

You're being given the SAME ADVICE that you were given on your previous thread - leave the leech!
Your only other option is to stay in the attention seeking/victim mentality.
Your life - your choice.

AncoraAmarena Sat 24-Aug-19 13:11:19

You know what you need to do - leave.

That's it. There's nothing more anyone can say really.

testingtesting111 Sat 24-Aug-19 13:11:23

So he needs carpets and wants a new expensive sofa but cba to work. He sounds entitled and that he has deffo seen you coming.

Tonnerre Sat 24-Aug-19 13:12:42

I love him very much and am hoping those feelings are reciprocated

I'm sure he loves the free meal ticket you're providing. But that's all.

Looking at the quotes upthread, what precisely makes you love a man very much when he makes you feel nervous, frightened, and really bad about yourself?

ralphfromlordoftheflies Sat 24-Aug-19 13:14:11

This is not an update. It's just a rehash of rye same scenario framing him in a better light. Leave him!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel Sat 24-Aug-19 13:14:43

Well it sounds like you want to be a mug investing in a workshy partner and spending money on a flat that will never be yours and then when all your money has been spent he can kick you out because your name is not on the lease. So as you really really seem to want to be bled dry by this loser, then Stay and your wish will become a reality. HTH

MardyLardy Sat 24-Aug-19 13:15:37

Do the freedom program
Don’t not spend your money on this man’s home - no one who loves you would expect this.
Do not like your financial security be eroded by someone whose poor personality and work ethic mean they will never be solvent.
Set yourself up, invest time and energy in friends and interests and don’t date until you understand past patterns and what you want your future relationships to be like.
The only point to a new partner is if they improve your life whilst matching the values you hold true. He doesn’t so leave.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Sat 24-Aug-19 13:16:19

He doesn’t love you, he wants your money. If you didn’t have that lump sum coming he wouldn’t be with you.

He’s a dick. You know he’s a dick, but if you walk into this you’re doing it with your eyes open and you can’t say you weren’t told. Again and again.

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