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To be sick of colleague constantly bad mouthing me to others?

(50 Posts)
Turndownforshallot Sat 24-Aug-19 10:55:06

I work in a relatively small office, I get on with all of my colleagues and do a good job. I’m never late, haven’t called in sick in over a year, never leave early and I’m friendly to everyone I work with.
However. There is a woman I work with who is constantly bitching about me to other members of staff. It started off with her;
complaining about my DP- saying how he’s this and that.
Then it moved on to my living arrangements.
Now it’s how I spend my money.
I have other colleagues who hear her saying these things about me, and in turn they tell me. One colleague has even hinted that she has said something about my DD, but didn’t say exactly what she’d said. It was more a case of “she’ll slag off anything, even your kid”. I feel like I can’t confront her as 1) it will drop the people who have been telling me what’s she said in the shit, and will cause problems for them, and
2) she’ll deny saying these things point blank.

I used to laugh it off and put it down to her being bored, having a boring life, and just being overall a bitter person. But she’s constantly bitching about me, and if she HAS said anything about DD then that’s the line. I don’t know what to do about it, it’s pissing me off hearing about the things she’s saying, especially as I haven’t done anything to deserve the constant nit-picking. I feel like looking for another job, and upon handing in my notice, telling my manager that she and she alone is the reason I’m leaving.
WWYD? AIBU to be bothered by this? I’m late 20’s, she’s late 50’s/early 60’s.

Kplpandd Sat 24-Aug-19 11:08:57

Why dont these people stick up for you? I would want to know what they say back when she does it, do they join in?

HotChocWithCream Sat 24-Aug-19 11:09:34

Your colleagues are shit stirring - what do they hope to achieve by telling you? If it's true then they should calling her out for being rude/unprofessional instead of making mental notes to tell you.

It all sounds very toxic. Find somewhere else to work.

Geschwister4 Sat 24-Aug-19 11:14:03

Did you ask thenm what they said in response to her? Are they sticking up for her?Also, have you asked them if they would back you up if you made a complaint?

Geschwister4 Sat 24-Aug-19 11:14:47

Sticking up for you, sorry should have previewed.

Turndownforshallot Sat 24-Aug-19 11:29:50

The main person who keeps telling me what she’s saying has told me that he’s replied “if you haven’t got anything nice to say then you shouldn’t say anything”. He’s quite young and I suspect intimidated by her, so I can’t imagine him really backing me up and calling her out.
Yes I agree 100%, it’s a very toxic workplace. I feel like nasty colleague can’t criticise my work performance as I do a better job than her, so she has to come after my personal life.

Jeschara Sat 24-Aug-19 11:30:02

OP, your colleagues are shit stirring. Do they enjoy telling you what this woman says about you?
Also do they join on and agree with her, and where does this woman get her I formation from?

Kplpandd Sat 24-Aug-19 11:31:12

If I were you I'd tell them you dont want to know anymore of what's said about you x

ControversialFerret Sat 24-Aug-19 11:32:30

Talk to your manager. Tell her/him what's going on and say that you want it to be dealt with. If things don't change then look for another job and when you give your notice, make it clear that it's because of her behaviour.

sackrifice Sat 24-Aug-19 11:34:18

Tell your colleagues to either tell her to stop when she starts or just to keep it to themselves. As you do not want to know.

Or book a meeting with her, and tell her that she might not know this but all the colleagues tell you everything she says about you and if you hear one more thing then you are going to take further action.

Flairhead Sat 24-Aug-19 11:36:09

Have you spoken to your manager about this? You could say that your colleagues have told you about things this woman has been saying, and your manager could then raise it with her without naming names.

Turndownforshallot Sat 24-Aug-19 11:36:58

I’m mainly hearing it from one colleague in particular. He’ll be in the office and BC (bitchy coworker) will be spewing bile about me to another coworker. So essentially he’s eavesdropping and messaging me what she’s saying.
I do just feel like asking him not to tell me anymore, when I get a message telling me all of the nasty things she’s saying it just ruins my day.
BC is working off old information. We used to be quite friendly and talk a lot. I’d confide in her about DP (this is going back around 3 years ago). However I backed off from her as she was very bitter towards all members of staff. I’d see her first hand be nice as pie to a colleague and then once they’d nipped to the loo or gone on their break she’d completely rip them apart behind their back. I’ll still say hello/goodbye and occasionally chat about tv shows etc, but it’s all very superficial stuff.

TheStoic Sat 24-Aug-19 11:38:02

So you haven’t heard any of it yourself?

StroppyWoman Sat 24-Aug-19 11:40:45

This co-worker needs to wind his neck in, stop reporting to you about overheard conversations and butt out. He’s causing at least as much trouble as your bitchy co-worker.

babba2014 Sat 24-Aug-19 11:43:01

Why does she have all this personal info about your family or is she just making it up?

HollowTalk Sat 24-Aug-19 11:43:28

It's unlikely the OP would hear it herself, @TheStoic.

OP, you need to speak to your manager. It's disgraceful that she's doing this.

Turndownforshallot Sat 24-Aug-19 11:48:40

No there’s no way she’d say any of this to my face. Or any other member of staff for that matter. Another coworker called her out on it last year, huge argument. He’d heard that she’d accused him of being a drug addict. She had said that, to multiple members of staff. Once confronted she flat out lied about saying anything of the sort. It’s one thing to be horrid about other people, but at least stand by your opinion and don’t lie!
I think informative coworker is trying to help, in a roundabout way. But I do wish I hadn’t heard what she’s been saying.

HollowTalk Sat 24-Aug-19 11:49:58

Was it a manager who confronted her last time? It's not as though she hasn't got form, is it?

InterestingView Sat 24-Aug-19 11:54:25

OP shes a jealous bully. The way to deal with bullies is to confront them. Go up to her and loudly say "I've heard you saying things about me - I wont take it any further right now but I am asking you to stop- if you have a problem with me come and talk to me in private otherwise I'll assume we're all good and this is the end of it"

Do not say that you've been told shes been saying stuff - just say you've heard it yourself. She doesn't know and probably couldn't remember if shes said things whilst you're maybe in ear shot - make her think she has without being specific and call her out on it. If it continues then take it further via an official route.

Turndownforshallot Sat 24-Aug-19 11:54:38

She’s working off 3 year old information about DP. He used to have a gambling addiction which I discussed at work as it was an awful time for us. 3 years on and he hasn’t gambled in 2 years, however she doesn’t know that as I don’t discuss my personal life at work anymore. She’ll constantly berate DP, saying that I’ve ruined my life by staying with him and I’m a mug etc etc.
We moved in with a relative to save for a mortgage deposit. She has opinions on that also. That was 2 years ago. She doesn’t know what my living situation is now but she assumes she does.
I mentioned using ubereats to order waffles for DD ages ago, which has translated to me “using Uber’s to order cakes and waffles all the time!”.
Informative colleague is fairly new to the company, and he’s told me all of the above things, which he’d have absolutely no knowledge of as he’s only been with us for 6 months.

sheshootssheimplores Sat 24-Aug-19 11:58:44

Your colleague could actually be useful and record her while she’s bitching about you. You could then take this information verbatim to your bosses. Then she will get in an awful amount of trouble.

HappyHammy Sat 24-Aug-19 12:02:10

He shouldn't be texting you unless it's to let you know it's happening right now and you can go to the office and hear it for yourself. Like other posters suggest you say to her you've heard she is gossiping about you, youd like it to stop and if it continues you will take it further. If it goes as far as a meeting with both of you and your manager then tell her how upset and disappointed you are that you were once friends, spoke in confidence and now she tells other people your private business.

31RueCambon Sat 24-Aug-19 12:02:17

I'd question why people are telling you all of this!!

Ask them ''why are you telling me this?''

Do they want to make you angry? Do they want you to defend yourself?

HaileySherman Sat 24-Aug-19 12:02:32

I've worked in a variety of office settings throughout my life, starting as an office assistant when i was 14/15 yo and a lot of older office women have a thing for gossio and picking on younger people, in the offices that I've worked. Often times the toxic environment is really the result of a single toxic person. I really think that you should call her out, without using names and shame her. If you really can't do that, is there HR in your work? She's likely jealous that you do your job better than she does hers. That's probably why you were targeted. Good luck.

Want to add thst I'm only referring to my personal experience, as many of the offices I've worked in have had female office workers. I am well aware and 100% know that men are just as gossipy as women. I didn't want to come across as saying gossip is a female thing, as I know that to be untrue.

HappyHammy Sat 24-Aug-19 12:02:46

I would record it too grin

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