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AIBU or is this a bit shitty?

(88 Posts)
NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:36:12

I've just got home from learning that I've had a delayed miscarriage. I'm devastated. I rang H and told him as he's at work.

He's just rang me and asked if his ex can drop his kids off with me because she wants to go out and he's not finishing work till later.

Usually I wouldn't mind this at all. Get on great with the kids but I'm so upset. All I want to do is get in bed and to be perfectly honest I really don't want to be around young children after just being told I've lost my baby not even an hour ago.

I've said yes but he knows I'm not happy. I've just agreed because I really don't have the energy for any issues right now but AIBU to think this is insensitive of H and he's not thought this through properly? If he wants to look after his kids he should come home from work to do so given the circumstances.

TheRealShatParp Fri 23-Aug-19 17:38:30

I’m sorry this is happening to you.
Yeah, it’s really insensitive. He’s not allowing you to grieve and thinks you should immediately go on as normal.

Countrylifeornot Fri 23-Aug-19 17:38:35

I'm so sorry for your miscarriage flowers
However, you do need to be assertive here, not passive. Phone DH back, say you just can't face it and he needs to either come home or tell ex to divert kids elsewhere.
Put yourself first

CareBear50 Fri 23-Aug-19 17:39:43

I think he was insensitive. Is he normally like that OP?. So sorry for your 💓 breaking for you. I think you should have told him exactly how you were feeling and said you just needed to go to bed as you're feeling so upset.

JoyceDivision Fri 23-Aug-19 17:39:52

That's really, really shitty.

In fact, I'd ring him back, tell him you aren't able to do it and take yourself off to:

A) Bed
B) mum's house if she is around
C) hotel
D) a good friend's house

And use the time to think about your dh...

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:39:59

I don't even know what to do. I can't cry in front of them as that's not appropriate, they'd ask why and I obviously can't tell them them the truth but I'm not sure how to keep this all in.

Beesandcheese Fri 23-Aug-19 17:40:37

It was insensitive of him, and you've agreed which was probably because of autopilot. Can you put a movie on or give them a tablet and order food? Then him get himself back asap. Or is there time to say no?
Be really kind to yourself. Can you get the weekend away from the children?

wheresthewine36 Fri 23-Aug-19 17:40:38

I'm sorry for your loss. I miscarried 3 times myself so know how heartbreaking it is.
This IS shitty behaviour from your partner. Does he have form for being insensitive and oblivious to your emotions? I understand why you didn't but you really should have said no. You deserve some time and space to yourself to process your loss.xx

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:40:55

He's already told his ex she can drop them off now and she's on her way. It's my own fault for saying yes I know I was just a bit gobsmacked and couldn't deal with any sort of fall out.

Beesandcheese Fri 23-Aug-19 17:41:15

I am sorry you're going through this.

Brefugee Fri 23-Aug-19 17:42:04

I'm very sorry for your loss.
You really really need to learn how to say "no" (and he needs lessons in actual thinking)

how old are the kids?

AtrociousCircumstance Fri 23-Aug-19 17:42:08

Wow, your H has been a selfish insensitive prick.


Beesandcheese Fri 23-Aug-19 17:42:30

Any friend you could get to entertain them? Give you space?

help2buy Fri 23-Aug-19 17:43:18

I'm sorry so for your loss op and yes that is insensitive thanks

SnuggyBuggy Fri 23-Aug-19 17:43:21

If you can't say no to him I honestly wouldn't be considering having kids with him.

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

chickenyhead Fri 23-Aug-19 17:43:35

Is he the type to want to keep you busy and keep your mind off of it? (An escape trick some men I know utilise)

If not, then this is outrageously insensitive! I would venture so far as to say he should be coming home to be with you, not prioritizing his ex night out.

cocomelon23 Fri 23-Aug-19 17:43:43

Don't be afraid to look after yourself op. You can say no. Sorry for your loss.

Beesandcheese Fri 23-Aug-19 17:43:50

Not that you should be working this out he needs to take this burden on. Can't he leave now considering your news?

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:44:05

They are 7 & 9. I'll probably just stick them in front of a screen, shove a pizza in the oven and make my excuses to go upstairs to be honest. Probably not the best but hey.

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:45:04

If you can't say no to him I honestly wouldn't be considering having kids with him

It's not that I can't say no to him generally. I was just in a daze and didn't have the energy.

Brefugee Fri 23-Aug-19 17:45:34

Probably ok to do that, tbh, if you tell them you're not feeling well.

Hopefully their dad will be home soon and he can take over.


NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:45:47

Can't he leave now considering your news?

He's trying to leave earlier apparently but he's out on site at a job.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail Fri 23-Aug-19 17:47:55

Can you ring ex and tell her? In her shoes I’d get it, no explanation needed and be appalled he said yes.

Only suggest as you say you get along

So sorry flowers

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:48:27

Is he the type to want to keep you busy and keep your mind off of it

Maybe although I'm not sure why anyone would think children was a good way to distract someone who's just miscarried sad

He's not usually insensitive so I could forgive it as just genuinely not thinking but I feel so shit, I'm nervous about how I'm going to act normal around them.

NastyTurnip Fri 23-Aug-19 17:49:33

Can you ring ex and tell her? In her shoes I’d get it, no explanation needed and be appalled he said yes

No we don't have that kind of relationship really. I don't even have her number. We get on in the sense that we have a small 'how are you etc' at the door but nothing much else.

To be honest I wouldn't want her knowing anyway really.

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