AIBU to hate my daughter for rejecting her university offer?

[Cherrypea]

The last 3 years of our life have revolved around my daughter’s wish to go to university. She's has loads of anxiety and friendship issues, left 6th form to finish her A levels at college, went back to 6th form, missed loads of school, I've had constant negotiations with her teachers as her attendance was so poor, decorated her bedroom with new furniture so she'd have a nice environment to study in, tiptoed around the house as she's noise adverse, I took the little ones away in May half term so she could have peace and quiet and in the few months leading up to the A levels spent probably £2k on private tutors.
She got good results and accepted at number 1 University.
She doesn't want to go. She says she is not ready, needs to save more money and will go next year. She can't defer so has no guarantee of a place next year as she was under the grades they required.
I know she's anxious and have obviously tried talking to her but she gets annoyed and irrational.
I'm so annoyed, I've invested so much of myself in this, mentally it's almost killed me and now I can bearly bring myself to talk to her....

[AmIThough]

Yes YABU for 'hating' your teenage daughter for wanting to protect her own mental health.

Don't force anything. Just talk to her sensibly, calmly and logically.

Did she wait til results day before telling you she didn't want to go?

[Troubledee]

Do you really hate her?

[VLCDoingIt]

Hate is a horrible word.

Has she seen her GP about her anxiety?

[SnugStars]

Oh dear, I sympathise, I think I’d be extremely frustrated and upset. I think hate’s a strong word though! She’s bound to get a place somewhere next year & at her age I guess you have to accept it’s her decision to make.

[blondiehip]

Your anger will eventually subside. You won't feel like this forever, no matter how intense you feel about the situation right now.
It might be a good idea to sit down with her and draw up all the pros and cons or going this year or next year. It might give you both a chance to rationalise the situation and see it from both point of views.

[thedancingbear]

Hate? Fuck me.

[edwinbear]

YANBU to feel angry, disappointed, worried and frustrated. Has she actually rejected it yet?

[Theimpossiblegirl]

Be upset and frustrated, yes. But hate? That's a bit strong.

[herculepoirot2]

You ‘hate’ her for making the educational choice that feels right to her? Wow.

[Hairyheadphones]

It sounds like the last three years have exhausted you, I imagine your DD feels the same and needs a break.

[thedancingbear]

I deferred for a year, for a few reasons, but two of the main ones were not feeling quite ready and wanting to save up a few quid (I had a steady full time job). In hindsight it was a really good decision.

[FinallyMrsE]

I don’t think you’re unreasonable for being upset and annoyed but I do think if she not ready then her going would just make things worse, she would be likely to quit and have student loans to repay and accommodation to cover.

I think you need to take a break and have a few days to calm down and have a full and frank conversation so she can fully understand what you have done for her and what your expectations are for the coming year.

I do feel for you, I can absolutely understand the frustration.

[stucknoue]

Let her work for a year (not sit at home watching box sets) it really helps them grow up and when they get to university they work harder. A year working at McDonald's means my dd knows exactly how hard the real world of work is. She paid for her fees for the first year with her earnings. Applying with grades means universities will accept on a lower offer, dd was down 3 grades in one subject

[sue51]

YABU. She has anxiety and could do without you hating her.

[Finfintytint]

She is sending you a very clear message that she is not ready emotionally which must have taken a lot of guts to admit bearing in mind the efforts you have all put in.
Would going a year later be so bad?

[LaurieFairyCake]

Say nothing for 3 weeks insisting it's entirely up to her

And I mean nothing at all about it

Bet she goes. If she doesn't she can get a job.

Yes it's really annoying

[Frangipane]

Why can't she defer? Are you absolutely sure of this, i.e. has she rung up and asked someone? I can understand your frustration but her health and happiness is more important than her taking this place.

[Boyskeepswinging]

Just to clarify, was it her pushing to do this particular course at this particular uni? Did she push for the redecoration of the room and the house being made silent for her revision? Was it her who wanted the college/sixth form changes? It's just difficult to tell from your post if it was her or you doing the pushing and that's crucial.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

No, YANBU to be annoyed, upset and disappointed. If that fleetingly feels like hating her for throwing away a golden opportunity to then that's what it feet like. You're human...

But you are going to have to let it go and work out how to talk it through, to be certain she won't regret it the second she pushes the reject button, and again next year when she can't get the same place.

Good luck managing both your disappointment and her fears.

[TheRealShatParp]

I don’t blame you for resenting your daughter, but hate?

[Cantthinkofanythingrightnow]

Ok hate isn't the right word but I can imagine I'd be extremely frustrated.

Is she on meds for her anxiety?

She's an adult now and whether she goes to Uni or not is her decision. But letting her live with you is yours. If you really feel strongly about this you could tell her she has to go to Uni or move out.

[pennypineapple]

I totally get what you mean by "hate" and can understand why it feels like that right now. I get that you don't actually hate her.

I'd agree with a PP, say nothing about it and you might well find she goes.

[Tink88]

Hate? Hate for a university place? My husband was told by his dad he hates him for christening his own child I can't even imagine saying hate in the same sentence as my child. Your disgusting for even thinking that

[Topseyt]

You are being very unreasonable to hate her for it.

If she doesn't want to go and would prefer to look for work instead then what is the issue?

It is a big transition. If she isn't ready and wants to do something else instead then let her. Don't hate her for it. It sounds as though you are trying to force her into academia. Is that what she wants?

She sounds confused and in need of support, and by support I don't simply mean tutoring her to death. I mean ensuring that she feels free and supported to make her own choices without judgement or criticism from you. That whatever happens you are her parent and will always be there for her. That the world will not stop turning whether or not she decides on academia.

She is the one who will have to live with the choice, and the potential debt that usually comes with it if she goes to uni.

[AudacityOfHope]

OP, this thread is going to be full of people picking on one word, I'm afraid.

What I would say: sounds like you've done everything right. The money you've spent is spent regardless of whether she goes to uni or not.

Uni isn't everything. I went when I was 23 and actually mature enough to do the work.

You've done you're parenting bit, it's now on her to pick up and make the decisions for her own life. And you're not going to like them all.