AIBU to think I stand a chance of getting back with an ex after 5 years apart? (I got married, had a child, and got divorced in this time)

[mamahannah101]

AIBU to think I stand a chance of successfully reuniting with an old flame?
I met him when I was in my late teens and him in his early twenties. I was in an on/off complicated relationship with my boyfriend when i met him (now ex-husband).
We became really close and he fell in love with me. He knew I had a boyfriend and that it was complicated. He waited 7 years for me to be with him and we were in and out of contact during this time. He even waited after I got married although we had no contact at this point.

After my divorce we spoke a few times and it was like rewinding the years back. The chemistry was still there. He lives abroad and last year called me to say he was at the airport and had just arrived in London. I told him I was in Cornwall and wouldn't be back for 10 days. When I got back to London he changed his mind about seeing me and decided that he didn't want anything to do with me.

I have tried reaching out to him since but he has said he isn't interested. I just feel like if we meet in person I will be able to see if he still has feelings and or get closure. I love him and it took losing him for me to realise that.

[NorthEndGal]

Were you ever actually in a relationship with him?

Sounds like he has moved on, you should too

[DCICarolJordan]

Sorry OP but... yeah. Quite unreasonable. He’s said he doesn’t want anything to do with you?
Let him/it go.

[Banangana]

I think you should respect his wishes and leave him alone. Look at it from his perspective. You knew he was in love with you and lead him on for several years, chose to marry and have children with someone else and only want him now that your marriage has gone tits up. It just all sounds a bit one sided and I'd be feeling like a back up plan you're falling back on now that your life isn't going as expected. I'd also not be interested in playing step dad to your child. It sounds like he's finally found some self respect.

[SockMachine]

Well you weren’t interested enough to return from Cornwall even on a day trip so that probably sent him a strong message....

[savingshoes]

Does sound like you gave him the run around/wanted him to be your back up plan.

Never say never though. If the chemistry was a mutual feeling and he hasn't moved on himself (what if he's really in love with someone else and just contacts you when they're busy etc?) Then love will find a way.

Or maybe I've been watching too many romantic films recently!

[ralphfromlordoftheflies]

You sound like a teenager. Very dramatic. It's not poetry in motion, you didn't like him, you got married to somebody else.

[mamahannah101]

Ok, in hindsight I should have been more clear and perhaps given more detail about the situation.... my ex husband was my first boyfriend and although I didn't know it at the time I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. My ex was a narcissist and me an empath, it took 10 years to leave him I thought I loved him but only now that I'm out of the relationship can I see it for what it was. During my marriage my ex made me feel worthless and my self esteem plummeted, he's constantly make comments about my appearance and post baby weight gain.
The reason I told my old flame I was in Cornwall was so I'd have time to go on a juice diet and shed a bit of a weight before we met and increase my chances of it working out well. I did love him too, we spent hours on the phone every day whilst in contact, I genuinely believe we are meant for each other. He is single, I know this through a mutual friend. I'm considering buying plane tickets to fly out and see him... am I crazy?

[Hundredacrewoods]

OP it was ridiculous to think that staying in Cornwall to go on a juice cleanse was more likely to make the relationship work than actually seeing him! He understandably took that as a message that you’re not interested and has now found some self respect as PP said.

[DCICarolJordan]

This thread is going to be amazing 😂
He has said he’s not interested. Would it be crazy to fly out and see him? Well, yes. And inappropriate if he has already said that. But I sense at least five excellent pages of ‘but, but, but I’m not unreasonable’ coming up!

[NorthEndGal]

He
Isn't
Interested

[Yeahnahmum]

He has moved on
And so. Should. You

[Banangana]

I'm considering buying plane tickets to fly out and see him... am I crazy?

Where is your child while all of this is happening?

I did love him too, we spent hours on the phone every day whilst in contact, I genuinely believe we are meant for each other.

I have several exes who I spoke to for hours on end and a few platonic friends who I also do it with. They're not my souls mates and it's not a sign that we're meant to be. I may be wrong but it sounds as if these are the only two men you've been involved with romantically. It didn't work out with the husband as he turned out to be abusive and now you're pinning all your hopes on this other man. Even if 'the one' did exist, It's unlikely that it would be him, given that he waited around for 7 years and in that time you not only chose not to be to be in a relationship with him, you married someone else and had a child.

You need to let him go, work on yourself and on recovering from your abusive marriage for your own sake and for the sake of your child. When you're in a better place then you can seek out a healthy relationship that is free from drama. This man will not be a knight in shining armour that helps heal the wounds from your previous marriage and you won't be riding off into the sunset.

[pasturesgreen]

He has said he isn't interested

I'm afraid this sounds like closure enough to me Leave the man alone.

[Mummadeeze]

I really feel for you. But I think you are placing too much hope on him. I had a very similar scenario to you with someone but the weird thing was, I wanted him when he was unavailable and vice versa. We both went through stages of wanting the other person badly but one of us was always in a relationship. And when we both finally were available to try a proper relationship, it just didn’t work. If you have been in an abusive long term relationship (as have I) you need to work on your self esteem and try to find some balance within yourself. I haven’t managed this yet, but I agree with others that chasing after this dream is not the right path, no matter how much you are obsessing about him. Best of luck with everything.

[Mileysmiley]

Sometimes you have to leave people in the past. I recently bumped into an ex boyfriend and although I still thought he looked good ... I had moved on now and wouldn't want to rekindle old flames.

[NChangingAgain]

You need to let him go, work on yourself and on recovering from your abusive marriage for your own sake and for the sake of your child. When you're in a better place then you can seek out a healthy relationship that is free from drama

This.

[TomHagenMakesMyBosomTremble]

I'm really sorry but I think you blew your last chance. You could try and initiate and see if you doing the running for once actually changes his mind, but to be very honest it sounds like he's moved on and has closed the door on you.

[HUZZAH212]

To be blunt it doesn't sound like the plot of the world's greatest romance - woman lies about being in Cornwall for 10 days to shed 7lbs on juice plus to secure a relationship. Man travels to city on presumed promise of a shag to realise woman isn't there... Mills & Boon it ain't.

[Illberidingshotgun]

OP, try seeing it from his perspective. Imagine if someone posted:

When I was in my early 20's i met a man that I fell totally in love with. He was in a difficult relationship, and eventually got married, and I wasted years of my life waiting for him. I eventually got the strength to stop the contact and finally move on with my life. He eventually got divorced, and we got back in contact and chatted a few times. I was terrified of being hurt again, but decided to give it one last chance. I flew to London to see him, but he then told me that he was away and couldn't see me for ten days. Surely, if he loved me, he'd make every effort to see me, even if only briefly?? Once again, my heart was broken, and I knew I had to end things once and for all. I told him that I warned nothing further to do with him. Finally i could move on with my life. However now he's pestering me, telling me he loves me, that he's only just realised this, and I've even heard that he's going to fly out and see me. What can I do to get this man out of my life???

I'm not saying that this is how it is, but can you imagine the response that this poster would get? Along the lines of ignore/block/ cut all contact etc.

[Walkaround]

mamahannah101 - that is the most ludicrous reason I've ever heard for pretending you were in Cornwall for 10 days. I think you need to improve your mental health, not string this bloke along any more than you already have done. Let the poor bastard go. He is far too linked to your toxic relationship with your ex, anyway. Form a healthy relationship with someone not linked in that way to your past.

[Redglitter]

I have tried reaching out to him since but he has said he isn't interested

I'm considering buying plane tickets to fly out and see him... am I crazy

Ffs the guy has told you hes not interested and you're planning on jumping on a plane to visit him. Leave the guy alone

[VikVal]

He probably thought the same thing that's true of a majority ex's...you're an ex for a reason and likewise he is an ex for a reason. He isn't interested, he has even said this, stop winding yourself up trying to get him back and move on. It's obviously hard after coming out of such a marriage but what is done is done.

[Blueoasis]

You're an idiot.

He doesn't want you now. He's realised that you've been stringing him along as an ego boost this whole time and even when single, you were still more interested in yourself than him. Jesus, you actually wanted to go on a diet more than you wanted to see him, that's how self absorbed you are. You only want him now because he's finally had enough and said sod this and walked away.

Seen other women do this. Drag a poor guy along for the ride while they shag other men, but always keep the other guy on a tight leash so he doesn't find someone else. He was your back up and you're now upset he has decided you aren't worth it.

You're not going to leave him alone I know that but you should. If you actually stalk him, I kind of hope he has you arrested. That might make you see sense then.

[daisychain01]

I love the idea that all it takes is a juice diet in Cornwall to convince someone that they do really want to get together, even though they've actually said "I.don't.want.to.be.with.you".

Maybe the old flame needs to wear a giant billboard with flashing neon lights in different colours of 🍇 🍈 🍉 so it's in writing, and really clear.

[daisychain01]

I've just thought of the word.

Delusional