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AIBU about husband and contact levels? **contains miscarriage info**

(78 Posts)
AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 20:46:26

Ok so relatively long but I sodding hate backstory posts so please forgive me! Oh and I’ve name changed as I don’t want this linked to my posting history.

Happily married, 8 years, two DS, DH has always been shit with communication, even in the early days of dating it would be 3/4 days between contact and when away with work he’s uncontactable and would be a week or more between calls.

Just over 2 weeks ago I had to call him to come home from work (he wasn’t meant to be in it was a Sunday, he’d gone in to clear his desk as he’d been off on holiday the previous week) and I called an ambulance as was in excruciating pain, turned out I was 5 weeks pregnant, they queried an ectopic but was a burst ovarian cyst, not fun but bounced back quickly and was home the next day.

ILs kindly stayed and helped with the boys whilst I was in hospital and my DM came to stay the next day to help for a week or so. DH hardly around, in work not off out, so understandable but slightly peeved.

So timeline followed:

I started bleeding a couple of days after coming home, already had a follow up scan already booked and it wasn’t painful so called the ward but happy to wait for the scan or things to progress.

DH left for his work, he’s the boss he couldn’t not go and my parents were with me helping with the boys so all fine.

Scan confirmed pregnancy, heartbeat seen, but said it was of uncertain viability and another scan booked for a week later.

Continued bleeding but just a light period, parents had to get back home but physically fine so all good.

Follow up scan was on Monday, spoke to DH on Sunday night, scan showed that the baby’s heart had stopped and that I’ll probably need an operation to remove the problematic ovary. Messaged my parents and DH to let them know. DPs immediately offered to come and stay but they had a break planned with friends and I’m fine physically so I told them not to, DH text me back “xxxx”. I have not heard anything else from him since then.

Bleeding has almost stopped so I’m not sure what will happen with passing the baby but physically I am fine. Emotionally I am sad and angry.

Basically I’m getting more and more angry with him and I don’t know if I’m letting my sadness at the pregnancy ending colour my opinion. He’s at work not on a jolly and he’s useless at being in contact, always has been, but surely he should’ve called or sent a text?!

Please hand me a grip, but gently because of the whole being ridiculously sad about the baby flowers

ItsABubbleParty Wed 21-Aug-19 20:51:06

That's ridiculous. You have every right to be raging. He's at work, he's not the centre of the universe. Fuck that.

idontknowwhattosay Wed 21-Aug-19 20:53:37

He is an utter knob. That would be the end of the relationship for me

Mumoftwoyoungkids Wed 21-Aug-19 20:56:01

He is an utter knob. That would be the end of the relationship for me

Couldn’t have put it better myself.

Xenadog Wed 21-Aug-19 20:56:44

I don’t even understand how you could bear to have sex with such a selfish prick. What are you getting from being with him?

You are not wrong to be angry and you wouldn’t be wrong to start planning an exit from this marriage.

livinglavidavillanelle Wed 21-Aug-19 21:00:07

Good lord. Is he on the spectrum? I ask that as a serious question, not being flippant. There would need to be a bastard good excuse as to why he's not by your side right now, or at least being a little sympathetic.

JazzyGG Wed 21-Aug-19 21:00:57

So he hasn't been home since Monday? Why not?
His behaviour is inexcusable.

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:01:13

@Xenadog tbf it was only once last month.

I won’t be leaving him, I just wanted to know if I was justified to be utterly fucked off with him.

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:01:51

@JazzyGG he’s away with work in Kent, we live in Devon.

chickenyhead Wed 21-Aug-19 21:02:51

I get it.

But if you have always accepted this trait in him you cant really be having an issue with it now. We all have faults, I am crap at comms too.

I think it is more that he appears so nonchalant about the loss of this life and what it could have been in different circumstances. Some people use work as an escape from pain. Some effectively get tunnel vision at work.

Maybe a gentle reminder that you are hurting too and he may want to reassess his priorities just for say 20 min a day, might be in order.

MrsMozartMkII Wed 21-Aug-19 21:02:59

What an arse.

I'm sorry lass flowers

Lolapusht Wed 21-Aug-19 21:03:26

@AIBUaboutHusband so sorry you’re going through this. You haven’t heard from your DH since Monday when you told him about the baby, is that right? If it is, then that is pretty bad even if he has always been rubbish at communicating. Look after yourself (and see if you can find someone to give your DH an absolute bollocking).

InterestingView Wed 21-Aug-19 21:03:34

You havent spoken to him in 2 days, told him you'd lost a baby and will lose an ovary and he text xxxx?? And nothing else. Jesus christ OP this is shocking.

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:03:40

@livinglavidavillanelle quite possibly, we both think he might be as he really has to fight to be emotive, as in he consciously has to decide to think about how something might someone feel rather than have any empathetic reaction to anything. Does that make any sense?

JazzyGG Wed 21-Aug-19 21:04:19

Well some things are more important than work. If he really has to be there he should at least be in touch and checking on you.

Chivers53 Wed 21-Aug-19 21:05:01

So he is working 24 hours a day and unable to send messages which would take less than a minute?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Wed 21-Aug-19 21:05:20

So he will just crack on while you parent his two children whilst miscarrying his third?

And you dont want to leave him?

Good grief.

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:07:12

@chickenyhead I’m not sure I’ve accepted it per se, it’s the one thing we fight about, but he’ll say “I know, I’ll try” and then he’s just back to normal, he definitely has work tunnel vision though.

user1473878824 Wed 21-Aug-19 21:07:57

OP, I just wanted to say I’m so very, very sorry.

I agree of course you aren’t going to leave him, but you are right to be apoplectic with rage over this. Can you sit him down and just to keep the peace keep it non-confrontational, explain why you are upset (wouldn’t you want more response from me if you were losing a ball?) and keep doing the whole “I feel” rather than “you did” bollocks because it annoyingly seems to work.

I’m so sorry xxx

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:08:21

@Lolapusht yeah that’s pretty much it. I’ve not told my DM as she told him before he left to call me every night and she’ll be so sad and angry that he hasn’t.

TheGreatestCape Wed 21-Aug-19 21:09:30

It sounds like you're a very stoic person but that shouldn't mean you have to cope alone with absolutely everything. He's being incredibly unsupportive and insensitive.

If you feel sad and angry about this, let yourself be sad and angry, and don't try to second-guess or minimise this by telling yourself you're already emotional. Your pregnancy loss is, in itself, deeply sad and traumatic. The fact that he has provided little emotional or practical support is an additional source of pain. It shouldn't be like this.

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:09:58

@MrsMozartMkII thank you flowers

@user1473878824 thank you flowers

Crunched Wed 21-Aug-19 21:11:08

flowers This is quite strange. When experiencing a miscarriage suitable words are so hard to find. However I would have expected my DH to need comfort as much as me, and sometimes just being together in silence gives some solace.
All I can think is that feels inadequate to support you because of his own sadness and is the sort of person to hide from emotion. Does that sound true?
You know if this is selfish or avoidance. I would struggle if it is the first one.

veryboredtoday Wed 21-Aug-19 21:12:55

Absolutely justified

AIBUaboutHusband Wed 21-Aug-19 21:16:11

@TheGreatestCape thank you, I am very much a “just crack on” sort of person and I think I need to let myself properly let go but I can’t until he’s home and I can have some proper time away.

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