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to not want my 4 year old going away for a week

(205 Posts)
pinklemonade84 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:28:34

DD is currently 3 and did her first day trip to North Wales with the in laws and has stayed with them overnight there when we've left their caravan a night early and they've brought her home the following day

We were meant to be at a hospital appointment today and they were meant to be giving us a lift as fil already had an appointment there 25 minutes before dd's. But I cancelled as she's been running a horrible fever all day and was sick in the night.

Pil popped in on their way home to check on how dd was doing. And about half way into their visit fil announced (didn't ask) that they would be taking dd to the caravan for a full week with them next year. I said that I wasn't saying no, but that at the moment I'm not comfortable being away from her for that long. Pil pulled their faces and said "well she'll be 4 next year, so she'll be fine" as if it's a foregone conclusion that it's 100% happening.

They're very opinionated on how often I take dd out, whether it's to a park or paid activity. The clothes I dress her in (leggings and t shirts or hoodies because dd hates dresses and skirts) and told me she looked ridiculous once. And got snotty with me because I took dd on a 270 mile road trip to see a friend of mine, saying it wasn't normal that I'd gone on my own with her.

Am I being selfish in not wanting to be away from her for so long? I don't mind 2-3 nights, but a full week I'm really not and can't see myself being comfortable with. And to be honest I don't like them dictating to me what they're going to do with dd.

RandomMess Wed 21-Aug-19 20:35:26

Your choice not theirs!!!

MadeForThis Wed 21-Aug-19 20:35:50

Your dd. Your choice. You don't have to explain or refuse now. Leave it until next year and just say no.

Inde95 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:36:06

No is a full sentence. PIL do not get to dictate anything regarding your child.

What does your DH/P think?

IAskTooManyQuestions Wed 21-Aug-19 20:38:20

What does the childs father think?

pinklemonade84 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:38:28

Dh is at work at the moment, so I won't get chance to talk to him until about 11.30pm when he gets home

I don't want them to not take her full stop, but I really can't settle with the idea of being away from her for a full week. It just feels wrong

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Wed 21-Aug-19 20:38:42

Yanbu but honestly this isn't even something you have to worry about. If and when the question comes around in a year's time, say no. Job done.

Not even worth the headspace .

ItsABubbleParty Wed 21-Aug-19 20:42:05

Nope wouldn't be happening in this house either. It's your child, if you don't want it to happen it doesn't need to happen.

Theneverendingcleaningcycle Wed 21-Aug-19 20:45:07

My DD is 4. No way for a whole week. We've had 2 consecutive nights away but no way a full week.

Rosti1981 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:48:20

Would DD want to do it do you think? I'd have felt the same as you but my DS went away last year for a week with grandparents and his big sister - it wouldn't have happened under normal circumstances but I was in hospital and it was the only chance they had of a normal holiday. He was fine but ready to come home and super excited to see me at the end. It's also a big jump from age 3 to age 4 so you might feel a bit differently in time.
Your choice though. Maybe a slightly shorter time period? And decide nearer the time too.

pinklemonade84 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:48:29

I spoke to a group of friends and a few of them have laughed at me saying that they'd jump at the chance and questioning why I'm against the idea

It doesn't seem enough that I'm saying I'd miss her and that she'd miss me

Rosti1981 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:48:48

(my DS aged 4 that is!)

MadCattery Wed 21-Aug-19 20:50:10

You don't owe anyone an excuse or a reason. Just no. Say it won't work for you, say no, say anything but yes. It's YOUR child, period. Not even worth discussing. Cheeky fuckery. Just say no.

dollydaydream114 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:50:31

Full disclosure: I don't have kids. But a week seems like a long time for a four-year-old to me. I certainly know that when I was four, my mum wouldn't have let me stay with anyone for a full week. My sister has our nieces and nephews to stay, but only since they've been a bit older (I think starting for about four days when they were about seven?)

The real point, though, is that your PILs have just announced that they're going to do this without asking you - that's not OK. If they'd said 'How would you and DH feel about her coming away for a week next year?' or 'Do you think next year when she's a bit older she might be OK for a longer stay?' then fine. But just to say 'We're taking her away for a week next year' is very pushy and arrogant, whatever age she was.

pinklemonade84 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:52:21

@dollydaydream114 that's what's got my back up. That they've just announced it and when I object and say it's too long, they brush my objections away as if they don't even matter

Gingerbreadsonme Wed 21-Aug-19 20:53:04

I’ve got a 4 year old, I would absolutely refuse either sets of GP taking her away for a week - because she would hate it. She had an overnight with my PIL earlier on the year and felt very anxious about that (not my projection, I thought she’d be fine but she told me afterwards she’d hated it). 4 is very little still, some will have a very close relationship with a GP at that age and be totally fine, but equally it might be a really long, not very happy week for her!

edwinbear Wed 21-Aug-19 20:53:24

DC did their first week with PIL last year to help us out with childcare over the Summer, for which I am very grateful. But they were 8 & 6 and had each other for company. They are there again this week and DS, now 9, is homesick.

No way would it have happened when they were 4. And I certainly wouldn’t have been dictated to about it. YANBU.

Yerbumsootthewindae Wed 21-Aug-19 20:55:17

It is definitely enough to say that you'd miss her and she'd miss you. It's your choice.
Mine are 7 and 10 and I've never been away from them for more than 2 nights - I reckon I could do 4 but that's it. I have lots of friends who would jump at the chance for a week off, but it's not for me - or you - and that's fine.

Monestasi Wed 21-Aug-19 20:55:22

I have had this.

I laughed and suggested they come back to me in a few years.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 Wed 21-Aug-19 20:58:07

Regardless of everything, wether I agree with you or not. She is your daughter. What you say goes. Stand your ground. ❤️

clucky3 Wed 21-Aug-19 21:01:57

They can brush away all they like, it doesn't mean you have to do what they want. Just forget about it, you say no when it comes to the time.

FadedRed Wed 21-Aug-19 21:04:40

Regardless of whether or not you and your DD would like it, or what your friends say, your PILs do NOT get to dictate to you.

Atlasta Wed 21-Aug-19 21:07:08

I do not allow my in-laws to take my DC away for longer than 3 nights and my DC are 8&9yo.
They no longer ask to take them for longer as they know I will say no.
I personally still believe at 8&9 a week is too long for my DC to be away from me.

AnneElliott Wed 21-Aug-19 21:12:12

YANBU. DS went away with his dad for a week when he was 8 and that was difficult.

If you're not comfortable with it then no reason why she needs to away for that long.

Wibblewobble99 Wed 21-Aug-19 21:21:10

I’d make sure you’re clear soon that it’s a no. I fear if you leave it til next year they’ll make you look like the baddy if they’ve paid for the holiday and extras in anticipation of having her for a week. I totally agree with you OP btw I wouldn’t let my 2.3 year old go now or when she was 4. Xx

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