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Upset other mum unintentionally

(84 Posts)
TerracottaDream Wed 21-Aug-19 16:41:40

My child is in a group connected to a hobby type thing and has a crew of 5 friends they met there.
I am friendly with the mothers but we are not close, two of them have kids at same school but in different years for example but essentially we didn’t know each other before our kids met but all have mutual friends and go to the same places.
At Christmas one of the mothers suggested that while the kids had an end of term thing we would all go to gastro pub. We had a blast! Great fun.
Now like in any circle I have bumped into women separately and the usual stuff about having to go out etc. Always genuine but life gets in the way.
This happened with one of these mothers and we made firm plans but I then suggested that we invite the others who we had been out with at Christmas. She became really irritated and said whenever she tries to make friends they always want to include others as if she isn’t good enough on her own. This is a successful educated woman. I didn’t mean anything I just wanted to be inclusive.

HoorayItsToday Wed 21-Aug-19 16:45:27

Don't worry about it OP! Her problem bit yours! Just explain you were trying to be friendly to include the others and hadn't realised she'd be upset, and if she wants to meet just the two of you, that's fine too! (If it is fine! If not, just be polite and say you like the otherscomlany and thought it would be fun to all go out together)..

Her prob! Not yours!

HoorayItsToday Wed 21-Aug-19 16:45:51

*not yours (not 'bit' yours!!(

NoSquirrels Wed 21-Aug-19 16:48:05

She became really irritated and said whenever she tries to make friends they always want to include others as if she isn’t good enough on her own. This is a successful educated woman. I didn’t mean anything I just wanted to be inclusive.

Oh dear! Must have hit a nerve. She could have phrased her response better e.g. I was hoping we’d have more time to chat just the two of us this time.

What did you say in response?

AmIThough Wed 21-Aug-19 16:50:36

Being successful probably means she has less friends, not more. Successful women are intimidating to a lot of people.

Maybe she lacks self confidence, or has a lot of acquaintances but no real friends. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and go out just the two of you.

dollydaydream114 Wed 21-Aug-19 16:50:56

That's a very weird reaction from a grown woman - being possessive over a friend is childish and clingy. What you suggested was a nice idea and you had no reason to think it would upset her.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong or offensive and she is behaving like a child.

ConfusedKoala Wed 21-Aug-19 16:53:27

I wouldn't go out with her solo, if you give in to her tantrum it will set the basis for a friendship that ends up with you being the underdog. I know because ive done it myself

Steer clear and stay in the group, if she's offended then just let her be offended you've done absolutely nothing wrong OP

I actually think it's lovely you tried to include others!

ScreamingValenta Wed 21-Aug-19 16:56:24

I can see why she was upset. You made 'firm plans' to meet one-to-one and now you have suggested changing the dynamic of the meeting by making it a group event. Not everyone is comfortable in groups.

I can also see why she might think it meant that, on her own, she wouldn't be interesting enough - although I recognise that wasn't your intention.

littleorangecat22 Wed 21-Aug-19 16:58:01

I understand her perspective. I do not enjoy spending time with people in groups and strongly prefer one-on-one. If I make plans to do something one-on-one and that person turns it in to a group activity, I will not be attending.

Her reaction to you was a bit strong and she should have handled it differently, but she's not wrong to want one-on-one meetups and I completely understand how she feels, especially if everyone in her social circle always wants to do things in groups. It's really lonely and isolating to be in a group of superficial interactions when you're the kind of person who needs deeper one-on-one interactions.

SuperSaturdaySteve Wed 21-Aug-19 16:58:40

It really depends how she said it. If it was aggressive and tantrumming, probably avoid, but I know I always prefer 1-to-1, or maybe 2-to-1 at most. While I appreciate how nice it is to be inclusive, it's not fun for me at all and I don't enjoy those nights/coffees out because of volume/chaos/overlapping conversations. Could she just be like that, but didn't bury it well enough (as we're supposed to, for "good manners")? Also, she might only like you!

BogglesGoggles Wed 21-Aug-19 17:00:45

That’s such a weird reaction to have. Not surprising that she struggles to make friends.

lovelookslikethis Wed 21-Aug-19 17:01:44

Def her problem and not yours, I would have done the same as yo and invited everyone.

Lovemenorca Wed 21-Aug-19 17:04:20

You had a blast
Perhaps she didn’t
Perhaps she felt really comfortable with you and enjoyed your company but not others

Darkstar4855 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:05:47

SIBU. She could have just said “actually I’d prefer it if it was just the two of us, if that’s ok”. It wasn’t like you just went ahead and invited them without asking her. You had no way of knowing that she would feel insecure about it.

IdblowJonSnow Wed 21-Aug-19 17:15:05

It's just one of those things isn't it where it comes down to preferring, or being more comfortable, in a group or one on one. I can manage groups but need to be in the mood for it.
It's not right or wrong really. But definitely don't feel bad about it.
I was in this position today actually, wasn't feeling keen but made myself go and had a good time.

Troels Wed 21-Aug-19 17:15:13

She might not have had so much fun with everyone. She might be sucessful and educated, but maybe feels like she sits on the sidelines. She just wanted to see and chat with you. Apologise and go out for coffee, she might be really nice.

Crunched Wed 21-Aug-19 17:20:03

Another one here who much prefers a one on one meet-up.
If you are more of a group dynamic lover and don’t get her perspective, probably better to move on rather than compromise,

Silvercatowner Wed 21-Aug-19 17:20:52

I really struggle with this sort of thing. I'm fine (ish) with one or two friends but avoid groups like the plague,

Notcool1984 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:23:04

How are successful women intimidating!? What a sexist comment!

flashingbeacon Wed 21-Aug-19 17:24:20

This doesn’t bother me but drives my dm potty. She feels like it says she’s not worthy of the time 1 on 1 and extras need added to make it worth while. Also she is very aware of dynamics which I never am.
Says more about them than you

jennymanara Wed 21-Aug-19 17:26:23

You were in the wrong OP. She wanted to get to know you better, not be in a big group.

mumguiltrearingitshead Wed 21-Aug-19 17:27:37

Aw I feel for the other mum even though I don't think you did anything wrong. She's probably looking for a close female friend and maybe finds it easier socialising 1 to 1. She didn't react well though and should really have hidden her annoyance.
If I were you I'd send her a message saying you're so sorry to have upset her and of course you're happy to go out just the 2 of you.

jennymanara Wed 21-Aug-19 17:28:11

@flashingbeacon Yes I find more the merrier types do tend to be bad at understanding group dynamics and will declare the evening a great success, not noticing for example that a few of the quieter people were pretty much left out of everything.

PuffHuffle5 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:30:11

You haven’t done anything wrong OP, she just sounds a bit insecure.

AlexaAmbidextra Wed 21-Aug-19 17:33:49

I can understand her. I have a friend who without fail, when we arrange to meet up, always starts to add extras into the mix. It does change the dynamic and while I wouldn’t get upset or take it personally I find it so irritating.

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