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To want to go out when the kids are at ExHs?

(39 Posts)
KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 15:40:51

We live with my mother.

My ExH has our kids every other weekend, and lately my social life has become a lot better, so when the kids are away, i'm generally off out with friends in the evenings.

My mom is complaining that i'm neglecting her.

She doesn't have a social life, and obviously with it being the summer break, the time we'd usually go out when the children are at school, we cant as kids have to come with us, which can be a challenge as they both have some special needs.

Every time I go out lately, she's pulling a face, and she made a comment about not wanting me to forget her because of my friends.. but I am not her partner, i'm her daughter and a grown adult of nearly 40yrs old with friends who I only get to see when I dont have the kids.

I said i'd spend this Saturday with her, and we've book lunch out and will be home by 4pm.

I've been invited to an evening thing at a friends that'll mean stopping out over night and I want to go, but I know she'll get shitty with me for going out again.

AIBU to want to go? And should I just ignore her and go, or spend yet another evening sitting in watching TV with her (like we do every bloody night)

Aquamarine1029 Wed 21-Aug-19 15:43:28

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. She is perfectly capable of arranging a social life for herself. Don't allow her emotional manipulation to control your life because she will never stop. Let her have her tantrum. Just ignore her.

Forgotmycoat Wed 21-Aug-19 15:44:39

Ignore her, the more you do your own thing and see her as and when, the more she will begin to accept that this is how things are now. Do NOT give in to her demands. She's a grown woman and you cannot be responsible for her social life, that's her responsibility.

Yamayo Wed 21-Aug-19 15:45:08


SN children are such a challenge. You need a break and time to unwind and look after yourself.
Just go.

Mintjulia Wed 21-Aug-19 15:48:08

YAnbu. Your mum needs to sort her own social life but you could help her along a bit by doing what you are doing - the occasional lunch or cinema.

GigiIdid Wed 21-Aug-19 15:48:53

YANBU!! Get out and enjoy some child free time with your friends. I agree with all posters above, just keep having a life and she’ll get used to it. Have a great night wine

AmIThough Wed 21-Aug-19 15:49:22

You are allowed to do your own thing, she shouldn't be trying to stop that.
Especially if you've left a marriage - you need to find yourself as an individual again.

Did you spend much time together before you moved in with her?

Do remember that she has welcomed you and your children into her home though.
Saturday sounds like a good idea. Spend the day with her then out in the evening, but don't make her feel like you're rushing your time together so that you can meet your friends.

How old is DM? Could she start up a hobby so she's not solely reliant on you for socialisation?

Settlersofcatan Wed 21-Aug-19 15:51:17

Go out!

Don't allow yourself or your mum to think that she gets a vote in your social life. Don't ask permission - just tell her what you're doing in a matter of fact way.

TroysMammy Wed 21-Aug-19 15:52:15

YANBU. If you wanted to go out and expect her to babysit then that's a different kettle of fish. But as you are not and you are making time with her during school holidays and during term time she can't really complain, especially as she chooses to stay in and watch tv every night. Couldn't you encourage her to join some clubs?

whattodowith Wed 21-Aug-19 15:55:29

YANBU. Perhaps might be an idea to try moving out soon, she sounds rather suffocating.

lunar1 Wed 21-Aug-19 15:56:58

Another vote for GO OUT!

KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 15:57:28

What - not an option, this is mine and my kids home, so this needs to be settled before it becomes a massive issue.

messolini9 Wed 21-Aug-19 15:58:31

I said i'd spend this Saturday with her, and we've book lunch out and will be home by 4pm.

I've been invited to an evening thing at a friends that'll mean stopping out over night and I want to go, but I know she'll get shitty with me for going out again.

This sounds pretty high-maintenance OP.
How can she justify being shitty with you about saturday night, when you've arranged to spend most of the day with her & have a nice lunch?

"Mum, we spent the day together, & you're important to me. But I also have other relationships to maintain which matter to me, so tonight I'm making sure I stay properly in touch with friends."

YANBU, & don't sacrifice your fun, friendships, or the mental wellbeing boost that comes with them on the altar of your DM's marytrdom.

Chitarra Wed 21-Aug-19 16:02:17

Is she putting you up rent free indefinitely? If so then I think she's not being unreasonable to expect something from you in return, which in her case happens to be company. Or are you paying rent?

Diagonalli Wed 21-Aug-19 16:04:04

go out & take her with you

KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 16:05:46

tried the club thing.. she just pulls a face at me like I suggested something stupid.

She's not a sociable person unfortunately! She never has been!

AmI - yes, 3 days a week at least

Its just that in the last year i've started going out more as i've made some friends as part of my hobby, I used to only go out 2ce a month to meets..

Now I am visiting friends outside of the meets and enjoying having a life, with it being summer, everyones been having parties and BBQ's that i've been invited too.. which is a novelty and I dont want to turn people down while the friendships are newish and just establishing, iyswim?

cocomelon23 Wed 21-Aug-19 16:06:14

Why can't you move out?

AmIThough Wed 21-Aug-19 16:09:04

It's not going to get better unless you're blunt I don't think.
Just tell her what you've told us and, if she's rational, she'll understand.

She might not like it initially but she'll get used to it.

KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 16:09:51

Chitarra, I pay rent.. I also halve the food bill with her, drive her anywhere and everywhere she needs to go, do most of the cooking, do all her admin and paperwork, make all her phonecalls, walk her dogs, take them to vets and groomers, fetch her medication and do half the housework and most of the maintenance and DIY.

In return she helps me with the children and provides a home for us to live in.

Chitarra Wed 21-Aug-19 16:11:38

Ok - in that case YANBU!

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 21-Aug-19 16:14:24

cocomelon i think from last post its OPs house and mum lives with her and not vice versa. I thought it was other way round too from OP.

Bahhhhhumbug Wed 21-Aug-19 16:16:31

oh sorry no,it is the mums house,xposts

couchparsnip Wed 21-Aug-19 16:16:49

Yanbu. She needs to get her own friends.

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 21-Aug-19 16:18:00

With your updates all sounds very fair. It seems like she wants to still be in charge or your quasi partner. Yanbu at all. I think you should tell her she’s expecting too much and you need company of others even if she does not.

HollowTalk Wed 21-Aug-19 16:18:09

Oh god, you're not being unreasonable. When my grown up children are home they're out virtually every night!

PenelopeChipShop Wed 21-Aug-19 16:21:05

Not unreasonable at all. This is the ONE upside to divorce and co-parenting - the ability to actually do something for - shock horror - YOURSELF when your kids are out.

Do not sacrifice it. I’m a LP and my ex is currently on holiday for 3 weeks. I’m climbing the walls with frustration, lack of exercise and sociability. It’s essential!

KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 16:21:31

No, its her house, she owns it outright.. but she will need my help/care in the future and we chose the house together with that in mind. Its also got some adaptations my DS needs.

So moving out isn't an option.

Almostfifty Wed 21-Aug-19 16:24:57

Does she not have any friends of her own she can go out with?

Missingstreetlife Wed 21-Aug-19 16:26:56

Just be firm and clear. Don't get cross, don't be guilt tripped. Have nice time.

greenwaterbottle Wed 21-Aug-19 16:27:55

I think when she pulls a face and ask her why.
Explain that you're sharing the space but you're not still a teenager and have places to go.

SavingSpaces2019 Wed 21-Aug-19 16:40:42

i think it was the wrong move to buy/live with your mum.
She now feels she has a 'hold' over you and can apply emotional blackmail to pressure you.

You need to give her some tough love- and some home truths.
You're both adults and responsible for your own social lives - if she CHOOSES not to have a social life with her own friends then tough, she can sit at home and be miserable but you will not be listening to her complaints.

As for being her dogsbody - where's your boundaries?
You pay rent and bills? Then you don't HAVE to do everything bar wipe her arse for her!
That kind of enabling is going to pull you further into the co-dependency you're already in - and it will grind you down bit by it.

What happens when you eventually find a partner?
Will she be having 'strong words/opinions' on that too?
Will you be expecting any future partner to also live with your mum?
Will you even have time for a romantic relationship given that most of your energy will be going on her - and that's BEFORE she officially needs a carer?

It would have been more worthwhile to remain independent and have your own home where you don't have to answer to anyone.
It's a shame that you won't do that but would rather someone else take on the responsibility for yours and dc's security and future.

KoalaTea Wed 21-Aug-19 16:51:21

i really dont need an armchair psychologists in-depth analysis on my life or the choices i've made when you've no idea why they were and still are the right ones.

i just wondered if my feelings about wanting to go out are correct, and the vote is unanimous.

thanks all.

LoveGrowsWhere Wed 21-Aug-19 16:53:07

Build that social life. We all need to get out and mix with other people. It will also give you and your DM new things to chat about.

BlueSkiesLies Wed 21-Aug-19 16:55:27

You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. She is perfectly capable of arranging a social life for herself

On the other hand, the mother is not responsible for housing her 40 year old daughter and her 2 children with additional needs.... sooooooo maybe a bit of understanding oculd cut both ways?

Rachelle11 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:15:59

I think you are both being unreasonable. You obviously are allowed to have your own social life. That is super important.

At the same time she not only bought, but customized a home for you and your two ds with sn's, and helps out with them. That is also a huge sacrifice on her part. I think you should both sit down and outline expectations you have of one another.

greenwaterbottle Wed 21-Aug-19 17:36:43

I think when you look at the division of labour and money.
Op pays rent and food
Mum does childcare
Op does various running around and does days out.
I think op pays her way

SavingSpaces2019 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:41:07

i really dont need an armchair psychologists in-depth analysis on my life or the choices i've made
No, you don't need an armchair psychologist.
You need a qualified and certified, licenced to practice, psychologist/professional help, seeing as despite being an able bodied/minded adult in your 40's you need to question if my feelings about wanting to go out are correct.

There's obviously some very unhealthy co-dependency going on and for that you DO need professional help.

CaptainJaneway62 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:54:45

Put on your big girl pants OP and tell her to suck it up.
You deserve time out and a social life so tell her to stop moaning in a nice way obviously!
You are doing more than your fair share in helping your mother but you do not need to be joined at the hip!
In answer to your question YANBU.
You definitely should go out with your friends and do not feel guilty about it.

dollydaydream114 Wed 21-Aug-19 17:59:08

Your mother is being really possessive and clingy. YANBU.

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