Lateness- Aibu to go home?

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend through the kids who is persistently late through being disorganised, no real apology but I’m just expected to get she’s tired or whatever. Her kids are 3 and 6, mine are 3,6,7,9. She’s never mentioned anything out of the ordinary with their sleep or behaviour and they seem easy going

An example, we arranged to meet at a park about 40 min drive away. She text me as I walked in through the gate that she’d been tired and had a nap and had just woken up. Turned up 1hr 15m late and I can see she’s a little put out we’ve had a picnic and done the craft already.

Trains here are 20min apart, we’ll arrange to meet for one and she’ll be still driving as it arrives. I arrive in time and she’s always a bit surprised if I’m not waiting to spend 25min on the platform waiting.

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently such as after school clubs or swimming in the morning.

So Aibu to have just not given a shit this morning. Arranged to meet at 9 in the park (early but her suggestion) got to 9:30 and kids had got bored without friends so I just left and went elsewhere without texting. 9:45 she’s texting put out as she’s arrived with excited kids and it’s empty. We otherwise get on, but I feel quite willing to Chuck the friendship aside over this. It’s disrespectful, she’s not juggling any extreme circumstances, she can get to places on time when she needs to. She just is used to being able to leave us standing. For a while I’ve been not waiting, for example texting where we are now, but today I just left her to it. She doesn’t even text she’s late anymore, and even if I’m late she’ll be later. I’ve clearly folder her my kids hate standing around, but she just brushes it off and it doesn’t register. Just say something like ‘oh we’ll catch you up’ or ‘they look happy playing (having missed the stroppy bit waiting for them).

I’ll admit, I’m not a saint on being punctual- but it’s in the 5-10min range. This has really wound me up over time...

[BeyondMyWits]

Everyone gets 10 min from me. You are not there in 10 min I will walk.

I abhor lateness, all my friends have mobile phones, I have one. If they text me 10 min BEFORE the meet up time saying they are running late, then I will be happy to rearrange my plans til later.

I find it rude if there is no text. My time is as valuable as theirs, they are used to me now - and actually turn up on time (or near enough).

I would have gone home at 9.10 if there was no contact beforehand. You are sooooooo not being unreasonable...

[dollydaydream114]

YANBU and she is rude and arrogant to assume she can keep other people waiting.

Before anyone steps in and says she must have problems in her life or whatever, you say in your post that she always manages to get to paid activities on time, so clearly she can get to places on time when she deems that it matters.

If people are late all the time for no reason they are essentially saying that their time is more important than yours and it’s rude as hell.

I have a friend exactly like this and it drives me insane. She’s been late meeting friends etc for the past 30 years yet has never been late for a medical appointment, a flight or anything she’s actually paid for like a gig or a gym class, in her life. Yet she’ll leave a mate waiting alone in the pub for an hour or arrive 90 minutes late for a meal they’re cooking or breeze in halfway through a wedding as if it’s nothing.

[Trafalger]

Nope not unreasonable at all. That would piss me right off. Everyone can be late once in a while but to keep you waiting 45 mins for her... nope. I would of left as well.

[Youseethethingis]

YANBU. I have a friend like this and it’s very tiresome. Have you replied to her text yet or are you just going to patch her for now?
I’m so interested to hear if reality dawns on her or if she still thinks it’s you that’s being unreasonable

[LochJessMonster]

YANBU. When she texts all put out, ask her why she think it is OK for you to be standing around for 45 minutes without even a text from her?

I give people 10 minutes and then leave or do it without them.

I think consistent lateness is the ultimate insult. Its basically saying they don't care enough about you and think your time is less important than theirs.

[LorelaiRoryEmily]

My sister is like that. “Call over at ten and we’ll go to town”
I’d arrive at 10 to find her in her pyjamas doing her housework. I often say til 1 waiting to go. So I stopped. I don’t do anything with her because she drives me crazy. It’s so disrespectful.

[CathysGhost]

I had a friend like this. I had a young baby, she had no kids. Was frequently late to meet me /me and ds and I gave up after she travelled 100 miles away on the morning we had a ranged an activity and then expected me to wait for her to return before going to it later in the afternoon. Entitled. I couldn't take any more. It ain't worth it mate.

[CloverMoon]

She’s got no problems as such, but I’m aware she’s got less people to meet up with and I guess to some extent (though the kids get on) I’ve tried to be nice. Because I have four we tend to know everyone and be always out. Maybe this is why she has less people? I’ve noticed she’ll meet with others for a bit then it dies down.

[Trafalger]

clover probably because other people got pissed off with her making them wait! I would reply to her text saying you got fed up of waiting and your kids were bored waiting so you went to do something fun.

[BuzzShitbagBobbly]

I was with you until you said you were not punctual either, sorry.
If you think 5-10 mins is fine, she probably thinks 40-45 mins is just as fine.

You are not U to sack her off and do your own thing, but moaning about her being late when you also are is. Just be on time!

[sackrifice]

I'd probably text back sarcasticly: 'Lol you turned up somewhere only 15 mins late for once. Well done you. We didn't bother going as we assumed you wouldn't even show.'

[CloverMoon]

I just said by text ‘kids were bored by 9:30, so we’ve made new plans for the day’

I left it twenty min to reply though

[Summerunderway]

Say meet at 10.
Turn up at 12.
Do it op.

[AryaStarkWolf]

Maybe this is why she has less people? I’ve noticed she’ll meet with others for a bit then it dies down.

Of course it is, nobody is going to put up with that shit for very long. You should tell her exactly why you weren't there aswell

[PullingMySocksUp]

5-10 minutes late is a normal buffer with children. You’re fine.
She’s not though!

[CloverMoon]

I’m punctual, but occasionally 5-10min I’ve missed. Eg a 30 min drive took 40 as I got stuck behind the rubbish truck, or there were temporary lights, or I had a flat tyre, or the youngest had an accident- those normal things that occasionally happen.

For punctual people I’m punctual and factor in a bit more time, but I have a lot of people in the less punctual category for my own sanity. I’d have no friends if I was always dead on time, it doesn’t seem to be the done thing nowadays and when I did it I had constant annoyance at everyone

[Topsecretidentity]

No YANBU at all she's being rude if it's not just chronic lateness (As you've said she manages to be on time for some things such as paid activities so it's clearly not a case of ADHD or any similar condition). She doesn't respect your time and was put out when you treated her in the same way... not much of a friend and not very self aware. I wouldn't bother it I were you.

And fwiw I normally have sympathy for late people who get a hounding on here since I have adhd and so relate to lateness. Butt I'm late for everything (playdates, work, medical appointments, flights) - unlike your friend, adhd doesn't discriminate.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

YANBU - tbh I would have sent a text just saying "kids bored - moved on", but you were perfectly within your rights not to.

It seems that you have a great approach to this friend. You make plans, you get on with them with or without her. I wouldn't arrange anything with her that I wouldn't be doing if she didn't show up from now on.

[CloverMoon]

I have a friend like you @Topsecretidentity 😁 she’s lovely an does struggle- so I just manage our meets. Eg invite her over but don’t tell the kids, or we walk around and she rings when she arrives. She’s understanding if so late it doesn’t work, eg my kids have got fed up of the museum. Her house is chaotic and it’s all a big picture, this woman has a super tidy home/ clothes/ eyebrows etc.

What’s worse I realise this friend had 8:15 swimming classes today, hence the early time. I bet she just hung around chatting/ playing or went home and didn’t mention it

[CoraPirbright]

She turns up to paid activities on time consistently

This is what stands out to me. When it is necessary, she is on time. She just doesn't see you as important enough to make the effort. Had a nap, did she?! Just fucking rude. I would ditch this friend.

[Cherrysoup]

YANBU. Lateness drives me nuts, it's just rude and lacks consideration. Has she not frantically text asking where you are?

[HouseworkAvoider10]

Tell her to jog on.
Don't bother with her any anymore.

[RebeccaWrongDaily]

My sister does this. It's infuriating seeing her uploading photos and videos onto social media still at home, half an hour after we've planned to meet.
I see her less and less, and don't wait for her. I don't have time to wait around for her when she's able to get herself to work and to paid activities promptly.

[Tonnerre]

YANBU - tbh I would have sent a text just saying "kids bored - moved on"

Mine would have been "We arranged to meet at 9, not 9.45. You didn't seriously expect us to hang around for three quarters of an hour, did you?"

[M0RVEN]

People with ADHD can use the phone and other apps just like everyone else.

They also know if they need 2 hours to get ready when everyone else needs 20 mins, so they need to play accordingly. Not arrive 1 hour 40 mins late and say “ oops my my fault “.