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We need a break from the kids!

(84 Posts)
KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:34:02

Hi all, myself and partner have two DC. Well our eldest isn’t biologically his but he treats him as his own. Both children have additional needs. Eldest has autism and youngest has a speech disorder, global developmental disorder and hypermobility.

Life is tiring ^^ my partner works long hours, whilst I’m a SAHM. My partner is a hands on dad and helps out with them, cooks tea, baths them etc. I do all the housework. By the time the kids are asleep (my eldest takes hours to nod off) we have zero time together and we are both exhausted. I feel like we are more like friends sometimes. Zero time to spend together.

I know this is part of the deal when you have kids but add the fact my children have additional needs it’s so hard 😭

We have been together for 7 years and literally have had zero time together. We don’t even get to share a bed most nights as DS will only stay sleep in our bed so one of us gets into his!

Aibu to think that it would be nice for one of our parents to help out occasionally? Even just for a couple hours? Admittedly mil works full time so I get she’s a busy lady but my own mum doesn’t work, my sisters are teenagers and she could have them. Even for a night every couple of months so me and Oh could go to the cinema or get a bite to eat.

I feel like if this goes on much longer we will split up! I love him dearly but we have no time to get intimate and I feel like friends.

In the past I asked my mum a few times to have DS. Sometimes she would agree but let us down last minute or sometimes it would be a no. DS isn’t terrible behaved or anything. He just has non stop energy.

When I was a child I practically lived at my grandparents half the time. They had us a lot so my mum could have some free time would it be so much for her to do the same just every once in a while? Even if it was just an evening off once every few months 😭

mordecaithomas Mon 19-Aug-19 08:36:45

Have you thought about confronting your mother about why she doesn't help at all?

smartiecake Mon 19-Aug-19 08:42:27

I think i wrote virtually the same post as you approximately 10 years ago. Our youngest has autism and life has been incredibly hard particularly in the younger years. Our relationship has really suffered at times and we have come really close to splitting up several times.
I'm afraid i don't have a magic answer we still don't get much time together or the chance to go out.
You have to ask people directly, mum, sister, MIL. Once every few months. Ask them to have the kids so you can escape. And keep asking. I have realised that family don't offer you have to be blunt.

MargotLovedTom1 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:44:12

Tell your mother what you've said in your post. Emphasise how you're on your knees, your marriage is hanging by a thread and you're desperate. Is your dad around? Are your teenage sisters old enough to babysit?

You'll probably get people coming on to say tough shite, you chose to have children, and how they've never had a minute off in twenty years but they cope. Ignore them.

KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:44:16

I don’t expect her to help. They are my children but in the past I have asked and she said no. I know my son can be full on but DD is actually the opposite. She’s quiet and the easiet child to take anywhere so she’s no bother.

My mum just sees it as a hinderence I think. She always posts photos of the kids on Facebook and makes out she’s the doting grandparent. She’s re-married and just wants to focus on that family. My stepdad has no patience with the kids either.

I’m hoping I’ll feel better once the school holidays are done and they are back at school!

I think mil would help out but she does work 6 days a week.

I’m just exhausted 💤

KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:45:23

I’ve never known my dad so that’s out the question 😭

ZenNudist Mon 19-Aug-19 08:48:09

Sounds like she was useless parenting when you were the child and palmed you off on her mum. I think I look into getting a babysitter and going out with your husband that way

NewNewNewNew Mon 19-Aug-19 08:49:23

Your kids , your problem.
Pay for a sitter instead of expecting people to take them for free.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun Mon 19-Aug-19 08:49:25

As your grandparents looked after you a lot she does seem a hypocrite there!

I don't think grandparents automatically have to do any childcare at all, but it does very often seem to be ones who had a lot of help themselve from their own parents who never help their own adult children!

Perhaps she had so much help bringing you up because she's a bit crap with children? Or was utterly spoilt by her own parents and thinks the world revolves around her wishes....

Eustasiavye Mon 19-Aug-19 08:50:24

With all due respect if you can't get your children to go to bed and sleep then how do you think someone else will cope?I
Never mind the fact that your mum's husband has little patience.
I think the fact that your mil works 6 days a week also makes it difficult.
Do you have any other support, or is there a health visitor you could ask who may know of paid child care facilities.

rookiemere Mon 19-Aug-19 08:51:18

Sorry OP but it sounds as if your DM simply doesn't want to babysit so there's no point in asking her. I don't know what the answer is though I'm afraid. Can you put them to bed early and have a date night with candles and wine at home?

SleepingStandingUp Mon 19-Aug-19 08:54:02

Can DH book a few days or half days in term time? Do lunch and a movie and afternoon sex? Not perfect but you can actually look at each other without the chaos of kids.

Ultimately I'd be Frank with amum, tell her you're really struggling and need help and ask her directly if she can have them for a few hours one weekend, same with MIL.

Is there a TA at your kids schools eho might babysit?

AmIThough Mon 19-Aug-19 08:54:38

Do you really feel happy leaving your SN son with a man who doesn't cope well with children, anyway?

How old is DS and how old are your sisters?
What time does DS go to bed?
Would it be a possibility to ask a sister to babysit at your house? You put the kids to bed so she's just there in case they wake?

BrightYellowDaffodil Mon 19-Aug-19 08:55:00

YABU, I’m afraid.

It wouldn’t be reasonable to expect someone to babysit even for the easiest, non-special needs children so I can completely see why someone wouldn’t want the responsibility of two special needs kids. And, with respect, grandparents don’t have to babysit. They’ve done their child-rearing years, however good they were or weren’t at it.

Can you get a sitter or maybe ask a friend to sit instead?

KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:55:14

I know they are my problem. My son is 8, 9 soon and have had little help from family (I did everything on my own for him from birth until he was 3 (when I moved in with OH) so I think I’ve coped pretty well considering 🤔

MatildaTheCat Mon 19-Aug-19 08:56:14

Could your DH look at taking the odd day or half day off when the DC go back to school so you can have some time alone together? It’s not perfect but at least you wouldn’t get let down.

Otherwise you could have a pot of money that you save into regularly until you have enough for a babysitter every so often.

I would have to ask my mother directly why she wouldn’t help though I doubt it will change anything.

JontyDoggle37 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:05

If you have two children with additional needs I think you can apply for some respite care. That or use sitters.co.uk - you can get a regular sitter who your children get used to, so it’s no so hard when they have special needs.

Atlasta Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:07

I'd agree with speaking to her about the issues you have raised and the post about how your relationship is affected and about how you don't want a regular commitment- just the odd night to yourselves.
I'd be holding my tongue about how much help she had when you were growing up but seething that she couldn't do the same for you, especially as your children have extra issues. You'd think she would be more on hand to help you out.
She actually sounds very selfish.
Mil may be happy to help the odd day or if she has holidays. I'd ask.

Henrysnoopy Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:28

How old is she she might struggle with a child who is quite restless and full of energy.

KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:30

My sons bedtime issues is that he won’t go to bed alone. Someone needs to lie there with him until he goes to sleep. DD will go to bed on her own and is asleep within minutes.

smartiecake Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:44

Have you contacted your local social services department? You should speak to the children with disabilities team. Ask for a carers assessment for you and a care assessment for your children. Dont be fobbed off! You would probably be eligible for direct payments. A scheme where you get paid to have a few hours respite every week. You employ and pay the carer or carers for more than one child.
I would think you would be eligible although you may have to push for it.

KB197 Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:47

She’s not even 50 yet!

IdblowJonSnow Mon 19-Aug-19 08:57:49

Yanbu but doesn't sound like your mum will help. Have you got a friend who can help or otherwise get a paid sitter?
Or when the kids are back at school get your partner to take a day's leave and have your date then?
It's very hard. My kids go to bed at 8ish but are often still awake at 11! confused

smartiecake Mon 19-Aug-19 08:59:18

You could have an afternoon out, lunch, coffee, cinema, shopping and be back for bedtime with the kids.

Dilligaf81 Mon 19-Aug-19 09:00:43

NEWNEWNEW Thats very harsh. I think hoping a GP would help their DD who has an obviously stressful life for a few hours is normal. It's not about free childcare it's about her DM helping her DD out.
Paid childcare is extremely difficult to find when you have children with SN.

OP have you looked at charities such as KIDS? Locally they run respite care for parents and also do day trip and events for whole families, they are a great nationwide charity. I'd also ask at the school when the go back as they will know of any similar charities locally and some of the staff may do babysitting in the evevibgs/weekends as I know my friends sons SN school have staff who do this.

If you can't sort childcare what about DP taking a day off work whrn they are at school so you can go for brunch somewhere together and have the house to yourself for a few hours.

Good luck OP although none of my kids have SN a very close friend does and I've slept at her for 2 nights looking after her kids so her and DH can go away for a Weekend.

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