How to handle DDs cheeky friend never doing their fair share of lifts

[Romeshswonkyeye]

We live semi rurally so DD (16) always needs to be taken to see her friends in the nearest town. It’s usually about 10 minutes in the car. Most of dd’s friends parents are happy to do one way and we always offer to do the other. DD tonight has gone to a party 20 minutes away and her friends are also going. As usual I get DD to try and sort one way out and we do the other (we always seem to get the late pick up but that’s no real issue). One particular girl will never respond to DD’s message about whether a shared lift is possible so her mother will drop her to the party or gathering but half way through the evening will then ask for a lift home. We’ve always just done it in the past, never said anything.
This has happened again this evening and for once I’ve told DD to tell her no, sorry, it’s not possible. I’m pissed off that they never consider DD when going over in the early evening but suddenly remember DD is there whe they need a lift home at midnight.
AIBU to say no, and should I tell the girl the truth as to why we are saying no? 🤬

[Butterymuffin]

I think YANBU. I would not go into why though. Let them work it out.

[NataliaOsipova]

YANBU. Leave them to work it out......

[Shooturlocalmethdealer]

Yanbu!!! Went through this with kids as well. Put your foot down!

[Chocolatecake12]

It is annoying I get that. But do you know her home set up? For example is her mum a single mum with younger kids at home who she has to take with her when she drops her dd off and cannot leave the younger kids at home at midnight?
Anyway this may not be the case and they may just be cf’s BUT I would rise above it and make sure she gets home safely at the end of the party.
I’m always the one who seems to do the midnight shift of lifts after parties my teen attends and I always seem to end up taking his Mates home too.

[FrancesFryer]

I think op is happy to do the pickups, it's the friend's mum taking her and not offering a lift there but expecting a lift back she's fed up with

[lifecouldbeadream]

YANBU. We’re rural and this’d get right up my nose. I can’t always do the late run due to childcare and DH who works away. But I would always expect to do one, and would always offer to do the early and explain why. If we’re both about we’d offer either. Not on to just expect a lift home. I know some of my DDs friends are v disorganised, so could easily be the teen at fault. But not being able to get home is a ‘natural consequence’ of not having organised a lift. And natural consequences are a good learning curve, and yes I’d tell them why.

[NoSquirrels]

I think in these situations it’s punishing the DC when it’s the parents to blame.

Give the girl a lift but tell her that its not good to be somewhere without a plan for getting home - what if you’d refused to take her tonight, what would she have done then? If she says “Mum/Dad would come and get me” then point out it would be fairer all round if her parents could offer your DD a lift as it’s not nice to feel like you’re being taken advantage of.

You can do all that politely & calmly in 10 minutes, I reckon.

[MancaroniCheese]

I have similar with one of DDs friends but the situation is as chocolate cake suggested - younger sibling who can't be left at home, so I just put up with it for DD's sake.

[Blubluboo]

This reminds me of when I was in school. We had a tight group of friends and there was always one girl who would never ever offer a lift. I honestly can't remember a time her parents gave us a lift anywhere! I'd say my parents did their fair share. It was so unfair.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

I guess the slight complicating factor is that you must not all live right next to each other (as then the DC wouldn't need a lift to every gathering), so shared lifts must involve everyone going a bit out of their way - and I wonder if they consider picking your DD up to put them right out of their way, but you can drop on the way? It still wouldn't be fair of them, but I guess it's a bit less inexplicable.

[fedup21]

Are you semi rural and your daughter is always visiting friends in the town? Do all of the other friend live in the town?

I wouldn’t really say it was the responsibility of the friends’ parents to collect or drop your daughter home if it’s a long trek out they wouldn’t otherwise have to make?

It’s them taking the piss if the her friends are expecting lifts from you at the end of the night but never reciprocate though.

[Starlight456]

My dad was like this .( mum couldn’t drive) I found it horrifically embarrassing. Worse still I wasn’t allowed to go unless I could go home with my friends.

Not saying you are unreasonable but dd friend may well be in same situation

[HalfDeadHousePlant]

Is your DD not all that popular amongst her peers?

[Butterymuffin]

younger sibling who can't be left at home

If this is the situation, the parent should say so to others and offer petrol money (which I doubt anyone would actually accept) in return for not being able to do lifts. Instead they are just staying silent and apparently freeloadloading.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Also, people have different ideas about how autonomous teens should be. When I was a teenager my dad ending up giving my best friend endless lifts (and it was miles out of the way) but the thing is that if he didn't her parents still wouldn't have got her, they'd have expected her to do a lone bus journey late at night and then a 15 minute walk - and my dad hated that idea and felt he couldn't in conscience see her go off to do that on her own at night, so ended up taking her every time. Lots of people, though, would have thought her parents were perfectly reasonable to expect her to do that at 16 (plenty of them on MN who think you should abandon a child as soon as they turn 16 and that my dad was ridiculous to 'baby' me with lifts!).

[SeroxatBlonde]

If you have to get your child anyway does it really matter if you pick another kid up too? It might cross mind fleetingly and I'd wonder why they didn't do lifts but no more than that. There could be all sorts of reasons. Say no if you really must but I don't keep a tally of who does what as far as school friends go.

[Leeds2]

I don't think YWBU to say no, although I wouldn't offer an explanation. That's not to say it won't come up in future conversations between DD and her friend.
Fwiw, my DSis always used to do late night pick ups for my nephew and his friend, because friend's parents both had to start work at 5am. Friend's parents always used to do the drop off though.

[Fantina]

Well I was (kind of) in your DD's friend's position when I was a teen except my mother wouldn't give me a lift anywhere. I had to spend my Saturday job money on taxis (no buses) and ask friends for lifts when I knew they would never be returned. It got easier when my friends learnt to drive as I could give them petrol money instead.

Without the invites to go out and the lifts from
other parents I'd have been trapped at home where I was v unhappy. So as cross as you might be I doubt there is much that the friend can actually do about her parents

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

YANBU - you can tell who the heavy drinkers are - it's the one's who always do the early drive - they like to get back home so they can make a start.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Another asking about their home set up. It may not be malice....

[Romeshswonkyeye]

DDs friend is an only child so no younger siblings. Both parents at home and both drive,

I know her mum will have arranged to go and get her if I don’t bring her home so there’s no issue there. She will have probably arranged with her mother to collect her but they always seem to miraculously ‘twig’ part way through the evening and then ask if it’s ok to come home with us.

I automatically ask DD who is going and try and get them to sort a sensible lift share out between them. You can guarantee that when DD messages this particular girl then the message ‘didn’t get opened’ but they never think about asking DD if she’s sorted.

They have to pass our street to go out of the village, we will have to drive a few minutes to the other end of the village.

DDs other friends mum took them over to the party this evening and we will collect and drop the friend back home. This friend has had to come in the opposite direction to collect DD and we will have to go slightly out of our way to take her home - I have no problem with this as this mum will always do one way.

[SeroxatBlonde]

YANBU - you can tell who the heavy drinkers are - it's the one's who always do the early drive - they like to get back home so they can make a start

What a nasty assumption.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

It's from my very extensive personal experience Seroxat :)

Call me cynical.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Are you sure the parents are actually giving her lifts at all? I have started ferrying her friends around only to home when they’ve been to mine. I think it’s the start. Really pisses me off as well seeing as they have more energy than me as I’m unwell and still recovering from extensive surgery.

[katseyes7]

My ex used to say the same thing about his eldest daughter's friends. He once texted me when he was 'dad's taxi' for the umpteenth time "l think l must be the only parent with a car" which quite clearly was not the case. Some people just seem to assume someone else will do it.