Hi Mumsnetters. In a very difficult situation. My nan has fallen ill with late stage liver cancer. Just last week she was driving her own car and now she is in hospice and cannot walk on her own. It's completely heartbreaking to see her like this. We are close. I live about an hour's drive away and we would visit every other week to do lunch. I would look forward to that so much.
Yesterday I visited along with the rest of my family. I have been going once a week now as I work M-F and have the weekends free. We didn't talk much as I just couldn't manage it without bursting into tears and she seems a bit too tired to talk much anyway. We just sort of sat around and had our own conversations and I looked up and shared a few smiles with her. I have a little daughter and nan watched her play on the floor the entire time and smiled. I had to visit the restroom a time or two to let a few tears out. When we left I just touched her arm and told her "Nice place isn't it Nan, they're taking good care of you" "Happy we got to visit today" and gave her a hug. She kissed DD and touched her for a minute. It was all I could do to keep from crying and as soon as we shut the door I just burst into tears on the way to my car. What I really wanted to say was "I love you Nan and you mean everything to me" but I couldn't say it without crying and I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.
Now I am home and that end of life guilt has set in, I feel like a terrible granddaughter and I'm so confused and exhausted over what to do now. Is it OK now if I visit her once a weekend now do you think and leave the other day of the weekend for myself? Does Nan know I love her, that's really all I care about now. Selfishly I don't know if I want to visit her today as it's just too draining (feels terrible to admit) and I just want to get my mind off it and bake, go for a walk with DD and DH, etc. I am hoping next week we can visit and her condition won't have deteriorated severely. Perhaps that is my grief setting in. All of these emotions are jumbled up in my head and I feel foggy and guilty and horrid.
Sorry, not a very uplifting thing to talk about is it but I'm just wondering if I've been doing everything alright. AIBU on anything? Perhaps you've been in this unfortunate situation before?
At this rate I just don't know what next week will bring but I have other family flying in late next week so I hope I can say some final goodbyes next weekend if it goes that way.
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AIBU?
AIBU for not wanting to visit terminally ill nan today?
89 replies
hannahma · 18/08/2019 16:46
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