Aibu to not want to fund DH?

[Lemonbubbles]

My DH has got himself into a lot of debt (more than he earns before tax in a year) and after putting less than half towards our joint bills each pay day(as this is all he can afford) , and making his minimum repayments, he runs out of money each month.

This means if either of us suggest a trip to the cinema or a meal out, I have to pay for us both. We can't split the bill, or take turns, and he can't pay me back next month. I don't see another way of actually living our lives, and I have enough to do this, although I'd rather it was equal.

This last month I paid for our holiday, as we just haven't had one for years due to this debt. Again, I had the money and it seems stupid to both go without because of his stupid spending when younger. But, I had to pay for every trip, activity, ice cream and drink etc. while there and resented it.

Now we're home, he's gone off with a mate playing sports and texted me saying he's stopped for lunch. He 'hopes it's ok' that he's pinched some cash out of our joint account! Clearly he feels he should pay his way with others, whereas he'd expect me to pay if I was with him and then actually say I'd pushed to have the meal/activity out.

I haven't replied because I'm so annoyed, but worry I'll sound like an idiot. He didn't put that money in there. He contributes less than me and we put in just enough to cover what goes out each month. If there's an extra bill or yearly renewal that comes up, I have to cover it because he can't. I put a small amount extra in during the week in case he needed to access it urgently, as he has nothing to spend. He's taken double this, effectively using the overdraft buffer we have on the accoubt in case a direct debit is unusually high.

I feel stuck in this cycle of paying for what he needs each month and helpless because he technically has every right to use up that overdraft and just could. And like if I'd dared to say this to him while he's out, he'd be making me out to be a nagging pain to his mate.

Should I just be sharing what I have? Am I being spiteful or am I right to be upset?

[PutyourtoponTrevor]

Depends how much more you earn, if it's a lot more then I wouldn't expect him to be paying half...it should be proportionate to your earnings.

[zoezipp]

Absolutely not. It’s his mess. Being in a partnership doesn’t have to mean you shouldering a burden that wasn’t caused by you. He shouldn’t have gone to lunch. The saying beggars can’t be choosers comes to mind. If it was me I’d be putting my all into clearing the debt. If that means having to miss lunches with friends then so be it. It’d teach me to be more responsible with money in future.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

It's a hard one. What's the realistic alternative? You dont do anything as a couple? How long is the debt for?

I think I'd be able to live with it if the following were true -
He acknowledged that I pay for everything and was thankful
He was kind and considerate in other ways. For example he couldn't pay for a meal out but attempted to make my favourite take away, he couldn't buy me a birthday present but planned my favourite activity or something
He was careful with spending (eg wasnt getting takeaway coffees every day or extravagant clothes)
He was making effort to reduce the debt eg doing overtime where possible or trying for a promotion

[Lemonbubbles]

Sorry, was already very long, so didn't think to add. We earn just about the same. He's just overspent and a huge chunk of what he brings in is spoken for in repayments.

[DragonMamma]

How did he get in to so much debt in the first place?

This would drive me mad. We pool our finances so debts are joint debts but that wouldn’t work for everybody.

[flamingpink]

How did he get into that much debt and what plan does he have for paying it off? All of that matters.

[Amys136]

Where you together when he got into the debt?

[DonnaDarko]

Not married, but OH and I do not share finances. He transfers me money for his share of the childcare and then he pays for everything else. This means that he can't just spend whatever we both have, which he would because he loves those stupid machines at the pub.

I think a joint account is good when each person has the same attitude towards money and this doesn't sound like it tbh

[cheeseandbiscuitss]

I would be fuming if my OH did this! And I would be telling him so. Not fair at all on you.

If I were Your DH I would be working extra hours in order to pay off the debt quicker. Massively resentful just to take from the joint account

[catspyjamas27]

I couldn't put up with this. I had an ex who gambled and like you it was always me who had to pay for bills, meals, days out. In the end I lost all respect for him. I felt like he was my child not my partner. In the end I realised I was actually enabling him to gamble because he never had to go without anything once he'd thrown all of his own money away.

Money isn't everything but in an adult relationship it should be a lot fairer than this and he should take your feelings into account

[Lemonbubbles]

AmIRightOrAMeringue
Exactly, there isn't really an alternative. He's stopped spending and can't borrow more, so at the rate he's going it'll be like this for a about five more years he thinks.

I really do feel like I haven't got an option but to do this this way. But if I said it to any of my friends or family, they'd think I was crazy.

He's not trying to make any extra money. There's a pile of stuff he gathered and said he would try to sell, but he hasn't. In fact, that money was to be spent paying the debt down and the gesture was why I agreed to a holiday.

[BogglesGoggles]

It really depends on why he is in so much debt. If he’s been financially irresponsible then fair enough. But otherwise YABU.

[minibroncs]

He's taking the piss.

Is he manipulative about other things? I.e. The turning stuff around to blame you even though he's the one at fault?

[ConfCall]

Is he making a big effort to sort out the mess ie working overtime, seeking promotion? Or is he doing the minimum and frittering cash, knowing that you’ll pick up the slack?

[AGenericUsername]

I have debt and would never expect my DH to pay any of it. It's his mess and he needs to grow up and deal with it. It's completely unacceptable of him to use joint money that was intended for bills on a day out with his mates. If he can't afford to go then he shouldn't.

As for holidays can't you go on your own or with friend/family until he can afford it? I would hate to have to completely fund my husband who works and earns the same as me. It's different if he doesn't work as jointly agreed.

You need to put your foot down and tell him that nothing is withdrawn from the joint account. It's for bills only! Take his card from him.
He acting like a child so you'll have to treat him like one.

[ConfCall]

Cross posted.

So, he’s being irresponsible. He needs to earn more and sell that stuff. I would want a joint account either tbh. Let him stand on his own two feet.

[billy1966]

I would think long and hard about remaining with someone who was in such debt.
How and why is he in this debt.
Are you liable?
Have you children?

If this is going to be a feature of your life together......get used to paying for everything or get out.

[Thequaffle]

You don’t really need a joint account in this relationship if you’re paying for everything anyways. fear of him taking the overdraft could mean you don’t quite feel comfortable that he’s dealt with the root cause of his overspending?

[minibroncs]

But if I said it to any of my friends or family, they'd think I was crazy.

Because? They might look at the situation and think, "that sounds a bit like financial abuse to me, I'm really worried by this"?

[Butterymuffin]

Go out with other people a lot more. Or do things like the cinema on your own.

He should be making more effort to sell his stuff and cut back on his own treats.

[Holly147]

My ex-DH was similar - he would spend more than he had and get into overdraft etc., although we had a joint account only so I could keep some sort of an eye on the finances, so luckily he never got into serious debt. I would try and persuade him to limit his spending as we didn't have much money at the time and were supposed to be trying to save for a house deposit. He would spend all our money on rubbish then make me out to be controlling to his and my own friends and family. So it was a lose-lose situation. It just didn't work in the end and was one of the reasons the relationship failed.

Not saying your relationship is doomed, but I think it depends massively on his attitude to the situation. If he is trying his best to earn and save as much as he can, feels guilty about spending your money and you trust him not to spend unnecessarily and get you into overdraft, then I think it's fine to share. As then you'd be working as a team. If on the other hand he is spending whatever he wants and not trying to clear his debt in a reasonable time, then there's no reason why you should pay for things for him.

Have you talked to him about it at home and let him know how you feel? I completely understand that you wouldn't want him to make you out to be a nagging pain to his friends. If he would do that just because you're being financially responsible then that's not a great sign. But if he would be willing to come up with some sort of plan or a spending limit and work together to sort out the financial situation, then that might be a way forward. Hopefully you would resent it less then because you'd be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel, and see that he was doing his bit to resolve things.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

He’s completely taking the piss. He can’t afford lunch out with his mate so he has no right to do it on your dime. Cheeky bugger.

You seem very concerned with what other people think - his mate, your friends and family. It’s your marriage and nothing to do with anyone else, who cares what they think?

Honestly, if he’s likely to complain to his mate that you’re “nagging”, which is a grim expression, because he’s spending your cash on going out then you’ve got bigger problems and he sounds like a dick.

He needs to sell the stuff he’s accumulated. And if stop having a joint account because he’s proven he can’t be trusted to use it for what it’s intended.

Finances are one of the big 3 issues which can totally fuck up a marriage and in your situation it seems indicative of his values and his attitude to you.

[JudgeRindersMinder]

He needs to increase his earnings somehow-evening job or similar

[HeyMonkey]

I'd scrap the joint account and get him to pay his share into your account.

If he's so irresponsible with money I wouldn't let him access it.

[StoppinBy]

For me it depends on how he got in to debt and how willing he usually is to get out of debt now that he is in it.

If he does nothing to help the situation then YANBU to withdraw some financial support until he gets himself together.