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Ex keeps asking dh to take dss on days out...

(245 Posts)
hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:45:07

It's becoming a thing where dhs ex is messaging dhs links to days out and asking if we can take him because she wants him to go. Is this unreasonable? It's dhs time and she is trying to dictate what he does with his son.

She also says if we cannot take dss to these events then she would like her dad to collect him and take him! On dhs time!

We always have plans to see family or friends and never take dss to these events. Today she is angry at dh because she sent him a link that she wanted dss to go it. In the message she said if we couldn't take him then she would arrange for her dad to come and collect him to take him. She sent this message yesterday and dh just ignored it.

But this made her presume that we were going and is angry that we are seeing family today instead!

GreenTulips Sun 18-Aug-19 11:47:23

Do you do anything other than hang round family? Does DS want to go? How old is he?

Are these kids parties or days out to fun parks etc

Sirzy Sun 18-Aug-19 11:47:25

Does what your step son actually wants to do come into this battle of wills at all?

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:49:59

He will always go to kids parties. Dh will always take him on his weekend. Today was a car show. She Google's what's on near by and then sends dh the link.

Dh has recently had his contact reduced by his ex as she has a new partner and she wants dss to get to know him. Dhs mum misses her grandson so much - she's also disabled and can't really get out. So now E O Sunday is time to go see nana and have a family lunch.

Turnedouttoes Sun 18-Aug-19 11:50:09

Obviously you are not unreasonable to not have your plans be dictated to you. However I remember being a child and feeling so sad that whenever I went to visit my dad I just tagged along to his normal life and we never did anything exciting. I must have been very young but remember thinking that he never put in any effort to entertain me or plan for our limited time together.

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:51:19

@Sirzy he doesn't know anything about it from us but today his mum FaceTimed him and mentioned this car show as she was expecting us to just take him. She is well aware that Sunday's we go to his nanas.

Sirzy Sun 18-Aug-19 11:51:33

How often do you see him? If all he does when he is with you is go and see granny then I wonder if he has been complaining to his mum about it and she is trying to subtly encourage you to change.

MileyWiley Sun 18-Aug-19 11:52:07

I don't think it's unreasonable if these are genuinely events that DSS would like to go to. Why not give him a choice rather than deciding for him? We used to have this with DSS1 and DSS2 - it was a shame that they missed out on events they would really have enjoyed because of being with the opposite parent on that particular weekend. Especially the case if these are regular activities/ clubs or class mates birthday parties.

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:52:41

@Turnedouttoes completely get this however we do days out on Saturdays and have just recently come back off a few days away. Dh makes Saturday for dss and Sunday is family day which dss is always happy with

EmrysAtticus Sun 18-Aug-19 11:53:37

Well he clearly needs to sort out contact as it isn't acceptable for her to just reduce it. If she won't agree to restore it to what it was he needs to go to court to get it settled. Once he has more contact he can do a mix of family visits and fun days out.

PepsiLola Sun 18-Aug-19 11:54:56

It's not acceptable for contact to be reduced, you need to get legal advice as this isn't on!

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:55:09

I think some are missing the point - it's time with his dad and his mum cannot dictate what we do. We have other children to think about also. Dss doesn't know about any of these events and I don't see why dh should miss out on time just because she wants him to go to something when we already have plans in place.

Dss loves going to his nanas as she makes such a fuss out of him, there is definitely no complaints from dss at all.

The issue is the ex trying to interrupt our plans and family time which we believe to be unreasonable

PepsiLola Sun 18-Aug-19 11:56:27

He will just need to keep saying "no we have plans"

My dad can take him then

"No it's my contact time"

I want him to go

"Well you find a similar event in your time with DS and you go"

He needs to stand firm

Sirzy Sun 18-Aug-19 11:57:00

Why post if your so sure your right anyway? I never get that.

If I saw something I thought Ds would enjoy I would send a link to whoever he was with at the time if it wasn’t me. Sometimes it’s nice to have ideas of things you might not be aware of.

If your dh thinks he would enjoy the car show then why not rearrange plans so he can go?

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:57:47

@PepsiLola thanks, this is sort of how the conversation went today. I'm just getting a bit fed up of it

HeckyPeck Sun 18-Aug-19 11:58:21

Well he clearly needs to sort out contact as it isn't acceptable for her to just reduce it. If she won't agree to restore it to what it was he needs to go to court to get it settled.


How bloody selfish of his mom to reduce his time with his dad so he can “get to know her new partner”

He needs to seek legal advice. She doesn’t get to call all the shots just because she’s the mum.

Scabetty Sun 18-Aug-19 11:59:25

From ex’s pov it seems like dss is just at his gran’s and that dh isn’t making an effort I guess. Does dh arrange anything else?

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 11:59:36

@HeckyPeck she thinks she does and this is the issue, she thinks dh should still worship the ground she walks on.

We went down the mediation route but she refused to go.

PepsiLola Sun 18-Aug-19 11:59:51

I'm not surprised you're both fed up, it really isn't on.

Sounds like ex is just trying to constantly be in control!

Is legal mediation something you could afford?

Missingstreetlife Sun 18-Aug-19 12:00:29

Quite unreasonable if more than occasional for good reason. Dh is right to ignore.
Contact should be formalised, can't just cut it on a whim

Greggers2017 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:00:39

That must be pretty boring for a small boy to just go and sit at his nanas every Sunday when he's with his dad. Why does it have to be every Sunday. That's really dull and repetitive for a child. Especially when the weather is nice.

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 12:01:30

@Scabetty we've just come back from a few days away. Usually Saturday is a day out day and Sunday is family day. Dss has 6 cousins who all come to his nanas house and they spend the day playing outside. He loves these days, we all do. It's a family tradition every other Sunday

HeckyPeck Sun 18-Aug-19 12:01:38

she thinks she does and this is the issue, she thinks dh should still worship the ground she walks on.

We went down the mediation route but she refused to go.

The next step is court then if she’s refused to engage in mediation.

Your DH can represent himself so it doesn’t have to cost thousands either.

It’s not fair for your DSS to have his time seeing his dad cut based on her whims!

Moomin8 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:02:18

She sounds really controlling. I've never ever even suggested to my girls' dad what he should be doing with them on his time with them.

hettypop Sun 18-Aug-19 12:03:19

@Greggers2017 totally not read my post! It's every other Sunday! And he has his 6 cousins he spends the day playing out with. He isn't just sat at hhs grans. All his aunties and uncles are there and we do it every other Sunday. Every now and then someone can't come but we make sure we do now contact his been cut so dss can see his nana and family

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