To be pissed off with dp over our holiday?

[CoCoStop]

Have name changed for this! We are both late 40s.

We have 2 weeks holiday coming up - one week a light activity based holiday and 2nd week a lie by the beach type holiday. First time ever I've had 2 weeks holiday abroad and the first time in years I've managed 2 consecutive weeks off from work so I've really been looking forward to it.

Dp has been ill so has been off work for a month - 1 week in hospital and 3 weeks at home. He's due to go back to work after our holiday. He has a condition (only just diagnosed after the hospital stay) that requires him to eat and drink sensibly or it flares up again.

He has been making noises about the activity based holiday being a bit hard for him but we called where we were going and it was possible for dp to skip a lot of the stuff and do other less strenuous things. We couldn't cancel the holiday as our travel insurance wouldn't cover it.

Last week dp had a friend round and he ended up drinking too much with him. This triggered his condition in the next few days and we were unable to take our first flight. Because he was actually properly ill, we were then able to cancel the flights and the holiday - the airline let us keep a credit for the flights to rebook and the holiday place let us cancel with a medical certificate. With sensible behaviour, dp should be fine for next week and we had separate flights for this.

I am trying to be positive as there is genuinely a lot I can do at home this week but obviously I'm a bit disappointed. Dp has not apologised once. In fact, he thinks it's a right result because we now have a credit to use on more flights and he didn't particularly want to do the first week anyway.

Aibu in thinking he could be a little bit sorry especially as he caused this by being a bit of a dick with his mate? On the one hand, I do feel sorry for him as no one actively wants to be ill and he has been trying but on the other hand he is 48 not bloody 17 so it's not like this wasn't predictable.

[user1493413286]

That’s really selfish; if I’ve understood your post then he would have known drinking too much would make him ill and he’s not bothered about missing the first week but isn’t showing any regard for the fact that you’ve missed out.
Have you told him you’re upset by it? I’d be expecting an apology from him.

[HennyPennyHorror]

I think you could cut him some slack as he's just been diagnosed with a condition which will affect his life. And he's having to make new changes...that all takes adjusting.

But he was a bit of a dick too.

[missfliss]

Nah. I'm with you. His choices to take a stupid risk with his mate have caused this.
Bad enough in itself - but to then not even give a crap is a selfish and sucky attitude.

[Glasscrab]

It’s a win win for him, isn’t it? He got to go on a bender with his friend and get out of the part of the holiday he wasn’t keen on. I’m not surprised you’re cross. Why did he propose/agree to the activity week in the first place? Couldn’t you have gone yourself?

[rainandshine52]

Personally I don't think an activity based holiday is the right choice for someone who has recently come out of hospital. Perhaps if you had rethought that then he wouldn't have needed to pull that stunt. Which he obviously did to get out of the holiday! I think you've both acted selfishly tbh.

[CoCoStop]

First week was months ages ago, before he got ill.

Thanks all, you're making me feel better! I'm sat on the couch and he's sleeping. I do feel sorry for him as he's got a condition for life that will impact him and he now realises how much I think but sigh....!

[CoCoStop]

Booked months ago I mean

[8by8]

Well he has been a bit of a dick, but also he’s just been diagnosed with a life changing condition and is still adapting - both in terms of knowing what he can manage and emotionally adapting.

So I’d try to let it go, and just enjoy your time off.

[KatherineJaneway]

He did it on purpose so he wouldn't have to go. That is my take on it.

[Sirzy]

It sounds like you knew he wasn’t really well enough for the first bit of the holiday anyway.

It’s tough adjusting to a new condition so yes he probably should have been more careful but when adjusting it’s not as easy to know the limits.

If it’s triggered that easily still is he really in a condition to travel at all? Why not rearrange for next year when things will hopefully more stable

[GPatz]

Well I certainly wouldn't be spending my first week of holidays doing things at home - go out and do things you enjoy! If it's hard to get consecutive weeks off work, then don't waste this opportunity. Do things for you.

[CoCoStop]

sirzy one thing it definitely triggered by is alcohol. Doctor told him not to drink for 6 months. He decided he was fine and knew better. He is now actually quite poorly and he has refused to call the consultant up and tell him what he's done because he's embarrassed so he's suffering in bed at the moment.

We had booked the holiday together ages ago and he could have skipped the walking part of it and lay by the pool. Before the set back, his health was fine and had it not been for the 2 weeks holiday, he would have been back at work this week.

I didnt think he was 100% recovered before the set back (though he told the doctor he was) but I did think 2 weeks lying about in the sun would have been good for him (and the doctor thought so too!).

[CoCoStop]

That's true GPatz!

[sweeneytoddsrazor]

You will get tons of sympathy because hes a bloke therefore he must be a selfish dick. The truth is both of you have been a bit selfish. He was worried about the holiday your answer is skip a lot of it. He has too be sensible food and drink wise and overindulged. He has just been diagnosed with a condition that means lifestyle changes. It takes time to adjust to this, both mentally and physically i.e learning his limitations.

[ThanosSavedMe]

I’d be pissed off too. It’s like he sabotaged the first week knowing that he wouldn’t be able to go.

[M0RVEN]

I’m going to be blunt. But by late 40s and early 50s, many people have heath conditions that impact on their lives but can be managed well if you take medical advice .

I’m in my 50s and nearly everyone I know of my age has something like high blood pressure, diabetes, thyroid disease, IBS, asthma, lupus, a hearing loss, joint or muscular problems, mental health issues, heart or lung problems.

But all of us are working full time , caring for our families, having hobbies and a social life and just bloody well getting on with it. Thanks to our wonderful NHS and excellent medications.

Lots of us also do a lot of sport, such as running, cycling and triathlons.

So Unless the diagnosis he has received is for terminal cancer, I think your husband needs to grow up, do what the doctors advise, adjust his lifestyle and stop being so selfish.

Next year I’d be booking an activity holiday with my mates and not Mr Drama Llama .

[Sirzy]

But when you have booked an outdoors active type holiday to just accept having to do nothing isn’t easy.

Neither is learning you can’t do things and sometimes you need to realise that yourself.

I think your both struggling to adapt. I think you where unfair to expect him to just sit while you went off having fun he had planned to join in on. He was unfair to drink but I can understand him almost needing to learn that one the hard way.

[AlexaAmbidextra]

Well if he deliberately flouted doctor’s orders then I have absolutely no sympathy for him, newly diagnosed notwithstanding. He’s a selfish idiot who knew precisely what he was risking. Sounds to me too that he sabotaged the holiday on purpose because he didn’t want to go.

[HotDogGuy]

I have been recently diagnosed with a medical condition. To be honest the impact didn’t really hit home until I ignored doctors advice and suffered the consequences. I’d cut your husband some slack as this might have been the case.

[LaMarschallin]

one thing it definitely triggered by is alcohol. Doctor told him not to drink for 6 months.

Assuming his illness isn't due to alcohol abuse (and, from your posts, it doesn't sound as though it is) and is something he'll have to live with (so not just eg waiting for a gall bladder removal or something) it sounds a bit of an unpleasant illness.

You're not being unreasonable to be really cross that he's sabotaged (knowingly or unknowingly) your holiday.

However, I can understand why he decided to "kick back" against his diagnosis and get a bit pissed with his friend (most people feel a bit better with a bit of alcohol in them; also, maybe he was hoping to prove the diagnosis wrong. People sometimes can be a bit irrational after hearing bad news).

I would suggest you write this one off and take onboard some of the suggestions given upthread.

If he does it again?
Maybe that's the time to worry.

Honestly, I do feel for you and, despite everything I've said, I'd be mad as hell.
But - for this one occasion - I'd try not to show it.

Hope it all works out okay.

[GiveMeHope103]

Wow I would be furious. He deliberately drank against doctors advice. He was I'll and off work for a month- he knew it was serious! He selfishly spoilt your holiday without feeling a bit of remorse.
No he doesnt deserve sympathy.

[Tonnerre]

The truth is both of you have been a bit selfish. He was worried about the holiday your answer is skip a lot of it

Well, what's wrong with that? They'd booked the holiday anyway, it's hardly a dreadful hardship to go away and spend a week by the pool. It's a sacrifice most of us could manage to make for the sake of not cancelling something a partner has been looking forward to.

[Span1elsRock]

I'd let it go this time, but I would make the most of a week off and do things that are enjoyable as opposed to necessary.

And I'd be making it very clear that next time he decides he knows best, he deals with it on his own.

You can't control anyones behaviour but you can control how it impacts you.

[CoCoStop]

Oh @M0RVEN you did make me laugh

No it's not terminal cancer and yes, you are right, all of our friends have something at this age!

You have all made me feel a lot better so thank you. I have booked an outing to the cinema today, something I rarely do when I'm working as I don't have the time!