In saying no to DD 'friend' staying over in her bedroom(323 Posts)
My 20 yr old DD has been having a flirtation with a boy a few years older. She's known him quite a while. They've had a few dates and this flirtation has been going on for quite a few months. However he is really bad at letting her down and saying they will go out, and then they don't. Tonight she was in the local pub and he was there and they were together with a group of friends. He couldn't get a taxi home and as we live within walking distance, she texted me and asked if he could stay. We have her friends staying all the time - male and female, always sleeping downstairs on the sofas. But on this instance she asked if I could go upstairs tidy her bedroom and change her bed, and could he stay up there - but that nothing would happen. I said no - that couldn't happen. Am I being unreasonable? She is a month off 21, so not a child. But they're not in a proper relationship. She is mad with me because she had already told him it was ok, and then I said no. And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home. The problem is that he's a bit older than her so I know she feels like she has to act older - and she sees that as acting older. So she's embarrassed that she had to turn around and tell him he couldn't stop, and really really angry with me. Was I wrong to say no?
Your house, your rules but could he stay on the sofa like her other friends do?
I’m not sure I’d say ‘wrong’ but I’d have let him stay. She’s an adult, that’s it really.
I wouldn’t have cleaned her room and changed her sheets though!
You're not wrong, at all. They aren't even in a relationship.
YANBU. He stays on the sofa or you drive him home.
If they were in a "proper relationship" in your eyes, would he have been allowed to stay in her room at your house?
If no, then YANBU - you are being consistent (if maybe a bit old-fashioned at insisting on "no boys in rooms" aged 20+).
If yes, then YABU - at her age it isn't up to you to judge who she has consensual sex with/assume that they automatically would be having sex anyway and only allow people who have met your specific definition of "relationship" into her space.
The problem being she didn't want him to stop on the sofa. She wanted him to sleep upstairs in her bedroom. We've had days where she has been incredibly upset because he has let her down time and time again. He doesn't want to take her out anywhere - they have literally had 2 dates in 8 months. The whole problem was that he couldn't get a taxi home, so could he stay here. He lives 5 minutes away - I could drive him home, so there was no need to stay. Also we had just been away for 2 days and basically the house was a tip - so I didn't really want anyone stopping over that I didn't really know. Had they come in, in the middle of the night saying he'd been locked out and could he crash on the sofa - not a problem at all. But a text at 10 pm, saying could I run upstairs and change her bedding and tidy her bedroom for him to sleep over - but that nothing would happen.... that's a bit of a dfferent matter. I'm not a prude and if it was her boyfriend then I would be ok - but he's not.
She is an adult. She shouldn't be asking you to clean her and change her sheets
You shouldn't be so involved in her love life or whether he is a worthy person for her to sleep with or not.
It's a bit weird and unhealthy all round. Time for her to move out.
And I pointed out that I could drive him home anyway, so there was no problem in him getting home.
That would be excruciating.
Are men allowed to sleep in her room? If not, he's not. If yes, you're not protecting her by trying to keep him out of her bedroom.
I get your stance and I can’t say for sure I won’t have it myself one day (my daughters are only 5 and 3 so it’s not come up yet!) BUT this is always what my very old-fashioned and older parents were like and I did resent them a bit for still treating me like a kid when I was 21 and had graduated and was living back at theirs. I thought I should have earnt a bit more trust in my judgement from when I was 15 or 16 and their stance was just the same. But at the end of the day, your house, your kid and your rules and I do get it.
She's an adult. Personally I don't think you should dictate this. You can guide her and advise but you she's not a child.
I would have done the same as you
Maybe in a couple of days you could have a chat with her about what you are comfortable with re makes sleeping over. My rules are relationship of at least 6 months - and a proper relationship , not whatever she has going with this guy
It’s your house and it’s up to you to set reasonable boundaries around who can stay and when
I would do the same as you. If they're in a safe and respectful relationship that's one thing, but nobody will disrespect my daughter in my house.
She was cheeky to ask you to tidy her room etc but otherwise she's an adult and it's up to her who she spends the night with.
Of course yabu, she is nearly 21, not 12!
At least she asked first and you still said no? Come on @bishp01 stop being such a prude 😳
It's different if she's drunk and couldn't consent, should something happen. Otherwise she's an adult. It's frustrating for her to be let down, but you can't teach her the lesson she has to learn herself.
If she's adult enough to have an overnight guest then the state of the room is her problem.
I think that when you know someone hasn't treated your child right - and can't be bothered to even take them for a drink - then to say yes, it's fine - just stay over in her bedroom.... it just doesn't feel right. I should also say that she was clearly a bit drunk. And he also knew that it wasn't really appropriate, because I think she was insistent on him coming back, and he was asking her was she really sure that we didn't mind, and could she show him a text from us confirming that it was ok. So he clearly thought it probably wasn't a good idea. He goes to the same pub every weekend and always manages to get home - either by taxi or lift, so it wasn't a case of him being stuck or it being an emergency. And I said straight away that I was happy to drive him home. And even to take both of them to get some food first if they wanted and then drop them off after. There's a 9 year age difference between them - so he's a bit more adult than her obviously and I think she feels the need to impress him. This happened a couple of months ago - she was coming home from a night out and asked the same question (she was really drunk then). I said no, but she was fine about it and the next morning thanked me for saying no, saying she didn't know what she had been thinking. Shortly after that, the flirtation ended and she was upset but got over it. Then it started again, and even though all of her friends told her it wasn't a good idea, I said it was up to her, but that obviously not to ask for him to come back and stop - but said this as a joke. So I'm shocked that she is so angry about it. This is someone she has cried over, got angry over - told me and her dad about the times he's let her down. And then she wants him to stay over. Yes, maybe it is a little hypocritical me saying it would be different if it was her boyfriend - but I do think it's different. I'm not naive to think that she's not having sex and that is entirely up to her.
The real issue here is how he treats your daughter. It’s not to a standard that she deserves and you can recognise that.
Probably time to sit down and have a chat. You understand you can’t dictate who she can and can’t see but need her to know that you don’t see this as a good relationship because you see how he messes her around. She deserves better. She can and will find better and shouldn’t waste her time on someone who can’t make time for her.
I think YABU, she is acting rather childish (can you clean my room?) but you can see why as you are treating her like one.
She won't have you to intervene everytime you feel she is going to get hurt, she needs to learn this on her own.
Of course you're not being unreasonable.
When I returned to my parents' house after graduating I wanted to live like an adult but understood that I was living in my parents' home, not a house share. I was allowed to have long term boyfriends stay over who they met and knew. I couldn't just bring a bloke home to sleep over in my room - if a young adult wants that freedom they can leave home and rent somewhere.
She may have been embarrassed, but you may have saved her a lot of upset over someone who's clearly not interested in a committed relationship with her
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