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DH tells MIL the details of our arguments

(74 Posts)
Circletriangle Wed 14-Aug-19 15:31:24

This isn't an issue very often as DH and I have a good relationship but every so often we have an argument and he always tells his mum whenever we do. It's nice that they're close but I don't really understand why she needs to be told. Yesterday we had an argument, it wasn't over anything serious just a bit of miscommunication and no one else needed to be involved really, next thing I know MIL is calling me. I do like her, I get on well with her usually but she has quite an intense personality and always says what's on her mind no matter what it is. I felt like a child being told off and it's quite humiliating really. So I spoke to DH about it and he said he had just mentioned what happened to her and she decided to call me, he didn't tell her but this isn't the first time this has happened so surely he knew

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:20

So he goes running to mummy? I’d phrase it exactly like that!

It’s one thing to voice frustrations to a parent but every argument is not helpful, frankly your MIL should be smarter than to try and intervene. Perhaps a diplomatic - this is between me and DH I’m not going to discuss it thank you. (Someone else might have a better response)

Geschwister4 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:34:59

YANBU. She should keep out of it. What would she do if you just kept saying 'This is between DH and me. I am not willing to discuss it with you'

CalmdownJanet Wed 14-Aug-19 15:36:15

I would absolutely hate this!! Firstly I would be telling my mil in no uncertain terms that it was none of her business, not to call me, and her input was very much not appreciated. I would be so pissed off with my dh, I mean fine if you need to confide in someone that's one thing but running with nitty gritty shit, I would hate that.

Geschwister4 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:36:36

MrsGrannyWeatherwax- don't know about a better response but I came on and said practically the same thing!

Madfrogs Wed 14-Aug-19 15:38:11

Yeah that’s not on. I’d have to say something to both of them. Her that’s she’s not your mother or your boss and not to ring you to tell you off like a naughty child of bad employee. Him that if his mummy must know everything he won’t mind you giving her(or your mum/sister) all the tiny wink details of your sex life the good and bad.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Wed 14-Aug-19 15:38:44

@Geschwister4 phew!! Great minds 😁

Aquamarine1029 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:39:29

Him running to mummy and slagging you off and telling her about your private business is totally unacceptable, and the fact this woman has the audacity to call and reprimand you is mind blowing.

I'm not exaggerating when I say this would be a deal breaker for me. This is a total violation of your privacy and shockingly disrespectful. I would be telling your husband that this has better not EVER happen again, and I'd be telling the MIL to wind her neck in.

madcatladyforever Wed 14-Aug-19 15:39:57

Bloody hell, my son often confides in me but neither of would tell his wife - the horror!!! She'd murder us both.

Madfrogs Wed 14-Aug-19 15:41:46

I think unless your about to separate martial issues shouldn’t be shared with parents. It’s disrespectful and will cloud the parents judgement towards the wife/husband.

IAskTooManyQuestions Wed 14-Aug-19 15:43:14

So he goes running to mummy? I’d phrase it exactly like that!

Odd isnt it - if a woman had a close relatinship with her own mother absolutely nothing would be said about confiding in your matriarchal figure.

And why is there this infantile 'mummy' bollocks every time a bloke talks to his mother? No one uses 'mummy' if a woman speak to her mum/mam/mother. It really is quite pathetic the depthjs ome poster go to denigrate men.

I assume if any of you have male children, you'll never talk to them again once they leave home hmm God forbid they strangle themselves on your apron strings.

Back to the OP - Tell MIL to keep her nose out of your marriage. Tell your DP to tell his mother to keep his confiences, she cant be trusted with privacy and personal matters.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax Wed 14-Aug-19 15:47:55

I regularly talk to my own mother and my husband to his, but we don’t do a blow by blow of every argument. That is somewhat childish and is what I’d have done as a small child.

My sibling is fond of divulging a blow by blow and is told by my mum not to offer so many private details. So I don’t see your point?

NovemberWitch Wed 14-Aug-19 15:51:40

@madcatladyforever exactly! My son and my brother both confide in me precisely because I can keep my mouth shut.

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt Wed 14-Aug-19 15:56:18

As if she took it upon herself to ring you.. that is insane! What on earth did she say to you?

EllesBells123 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:01:43

My husband used to do exactly the same. So I did what he did and told my mum whilst we were all out at dinner, she made a joke about "Mummy's little soldier not being able to fight his own battles" and he soon stopped.

Bluegrass Wed 14-Aug-19 16:05:17

It’s important for men to be shamed out of talking to their mothers, otherwise it makes it harder to label them as emotionally distant and uncommunicative about their feelings. Just make sure he doesn’t talk to any female friends either as that’s an emotional affair

They are allowed to talk to their fathers but only as long as it is restricted to sport, DIY and/or cars.

Good work OP.

Cheeseandwin5 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:18:53

MrsGrannyWeatherwax - you should be ashamed at such a comment.

IAskTooManyQuestions- Agree totally with this., Couldnt have put it better myself.

MarieIVanArkleStinks Wed 14-Aug-19 16:19:48

There are very few things outside abuse and, depending on the circumstances, infidelity, that would be a relationship deal-breaker for me. You've found the one thing I'd consider completely beyond the pale. Extreme though this may sound, the first time my DH ever did this to me would be the last.

MiL, too, is taking far too much upon herself. Calling you and 'telling you off' like a naughty child is so far from normal, acceptable behaviour that it would take the light from normal several billion years to reach earth. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms to back off and MYOB. And yes, unfortunately this does need to come from you.

I'd see this as at the very least a huge breach of confidence which would erode my trust in my DH. It's an outrageous violation of your privacy, dignity and adult autonomy. As for MiL, WTF kind of warped reasoning leads someone to conclude this is a sensible course of action, or that anything remotely positive would be achieved by it? hmm


Troels Wed 14-Aug-19 16:33:37

Talking to his Mom isn't really the problem, he should be able to do it, maybe he should give less detail and private things away though. MIL calling and letting you know and having a go at you is the bit that is wrong. She needs to know when to keep her beak out, and shut her mouth.

Circletriangle Wed 14-Aug-19 17:38:04

It's not the talking that I have much of a problem with, it's more her reaction and that he already knew she was likely to react like that

rugshade Wed 14-Aug-19 17:43:35

It is worrying and controlling when a partner insists that their DP cannot speak to their own family or friends. Very worrying indeed. He has every right to talk to whomever he wants. Anything else is abusive.

Circletriangle Wed 14-Aug-19 17:48:48

I'm not stopping him from speaking to her or saying he can't?

NoSauce Wed 14-Aug-19 17:53:32

Of course you’re going to get the obvious “ so he runs to mummy “ posts. But that isn’t what happened is it. He just spoke to his mum and told her what had happened.

Families do this! They talk to each other. I know!

There doesn’t have to be a big drama out of it. MIL shouldn’t have rang the OP if you she was going to make her feel like she’d been told off but I guess it was done with good intention.

randomchap Wed 14-Aug-19 17:53:59

So you're just wanting to control what he says to his mother?

Circletriangle Wed 14-Aug-19 17:56:36

No he can say what he likes to anyone but maybe think about how it might affect others too? I'm not trying to controll him, as I said before we have a good relationship, we rarely argue but when we do this is a problem that comes up

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