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AIBU?

to think my family is shit?

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ICantThinkOfABloodyUsername · 14/08/2019 15:12

I created a new user for this ...
I have 3 sisters and 2 parents and have now reached the point where I don't want to have anything to do with either of them. In my family it's only me who has problems with others, so obviously I've often thought that I must be the problem. However, whenever I think about why I have problems with them, I am completely certain that I am in the right.
So I'd appreciate some input.

Now, the order in which they finally pissed me off:

Sister 3 (I'm #2): We haven't had contact for years, which actually was her choice, but I really don't mind. I think she's a condescending bitch. When we still had contact, she'd regularly insult me in different ways for no reason whatsoever. My mother kept protecting her, my sister was always the poor and innocent girl, everything ugly thing she said was funny. Like I'd say something like "Please pass the chips", to which she might answer "Go die" and my mother find it hilarious. Whereas if I'd say something like "Stop talking to me like that!" and my mother would jump to her defence, tellimg ME off for being mean to her etc.
One day I snapped, which resulted in her stopping all contact with me, because I'm so horrible.
My other 2 sisters to acknowledge that sister 3 is being horrible to me, but they are not actively supporting me against her. They have a good relationship with her, which is fine by me.

Mother: My relationship with her was always shifting - sometimes rather good, sometimes okay, sometimes bad, sometimes I haven't had contact with her for months. I only started to realise that something is wrong once I moved out and had some distance. And when I saw other teenagers and adults with their parents and how they are communicating with each other. The first thing I started to realise is that there is no loving relationship, no talking to each other about feelings or anything personal. And except for one single time when I was 20 and ended up in psychiatric ward for a night, after I've swallowed medicine and cut myself with a razor all over my body, I can't remember a single time she told me she loved me! And this one time the "but I love you" was brought forward as an accusation.
Since age 11 there were exactly 2 times I cried in front of my mother - one time at 11 I cried about some children in school making fun of me, the other time at age 19 after my first visit to the gyn (yes, that was late for a first visit, I know) who was pretty violent. Both times my mother reacted by laughing at me!
She also never says anything positive about me, unless someone else said something (like one of her friends), in which case she agrees with them, because that's just what she does. Outside of her family she shifts with the wind to appeale to people. I've also always been the black sheep of the family, getting blamed for everything (when sister #4, who is 8 years younger than I am, once apparently burned a part of her stomach on purpose, it was my fault, because I've been mean to her), which is probably one of the reasons sister #3 thinks I'm a doormat.
A few months ago I watched a video about narcissistic mothers and how they treat their daughters, and almost every single point applied to my mother.
There is much more my my mother, but this post is already long, so I'll stop here. The important thing is that last year I stopped all contact with her and decided it will be for good this time.

Father: He is a typical macho, thinking kids and housework is a woman's job, while a man earns the living. My mother agreed and since they both liked it that way, I guess it's fine. Anyway, that of course means, that I hardly have a realtionship with my father - neither of us 4 sisters does. I do see him occasionally - in the last 10 months I've seen him much more often that usual, because he practised driving with me. He also doesn't really have a connection with my children for this reason and never had. However, since he and my mother separated about 10 years ago, I respect him more, since he shows more respect towards me.
Anyway: Recently it was my DC2's (a toddler) birthday. 2 days before my father dropped by briefly to drop something off and I reminded him of the upcoming birthday. On the birthday itself I asked him if he's coming over for cake and my DC opening presents. I didn't invite him earlier, because there were circumstances which we had no control over and which basically dictated what and when we can do for DC2's birthday. My father was aware of these extraordinary circumstances.
So, my father's answer to the invite was no, because he didn't want to drive into town that day, since he was already there the past 2 days, as he had things to do. He lives right outside of the city we live in, it's a 30 minute drive for him to my place, he's retired and he didn't have plans for that day or time.
I am extremely pissed off about that and consider to add him to the list of family members who can go fuck themselves.

Sister #4: Another one who couldn't be bothered to show up at the birthday. She didn't know for a while if she's going to have time, because she works irregular hours. However, a day or 2 before she said she'll have to work until 3pm and can come after. So on the birthday we agreed that she comes after work, which means she'd be here at 3:45. During the afternoon she suddenly said she can only come at 5pm and only stay for 1 hour, because she'll be leaving for a business trip the next day (which she knew well in advance) and still has to pack. I told her in that case she shouldn't come at all, because first of all I was pissed (she could well have packed before?) and she is basically a stranger to my DC2, who is afraid of strangers. 1 hour would simple be not enough time for my DC to warm up to my sister AND then enjoy her company.
After that I told my sister she doesn't need to bother at all any more, since she apparently isn't interested in my DC2, otherwise she'd have made more time AND would have visited more often. She then complained that I could as well have visited her with my DC and why should only she visit us. I find this completely unreasonable, because at home there are all my DC's toys and a playground in front our door, whereas my sister is a single woman with an apartment that's obviously not equipped for toddlers. I'd spend my time there stopping my kid touching things.
Furthermore my sister never invited us to come visit her, while I asked her regularly when she'll come visit again.
The last time my DC2 and my sister have seen each other very briefly was 3 months prior to the birthday, when my DC1 (a teenager) and my sister participated in a run. The run took place in a lovely park and we stayed there afterwards, but my sister didn't want to join us (she knew we'd stay and that she's welcome to join us way before the run).
Now I am the bad one because I assume she's not interested in my child.

Sister #1: She's 2 years older than I am, we didn't have good relationship as children (at least when we were school aged) and were constantly fighting. Which, in retrospective, is probably due to my mother. Anyway, we got a long fine once we were grown ups. Sometimes better sometimes worse, but generelly fine.
Since a few years, however, I get increasingly annoyed with her. She decided that she might have Aspergers and get tested for it. Which generally is fine, of course. However I was and still amn convinced that she simply WANTED to have Aspergers, because she wants to be special or whatever. What really annoyes me is, that she started displaying personality traits associated with Aspergers, but only AFTER she got the idea. So I am convinced she does it on purpose, because it doesn't seem likely that she - just one example - suddenly doesn't understand sarcasm, if she had no problem with it before.
She also behaves increasingly antisocial. The hightlight, which now led to me not wanting anything to do with her anymore, occured early this month.
There was a chance that I'll have to go to hospital with DC3, a baby. Or rather the baby has to go to hospital. I asked her if she is in town during that time (she travels around a lot) and if she could spend a few nights at my place, in order for me to be able to stay at the hospital with my baby (I'm a single parent, with no father involved). She was very reluctant and basically said that she wouldn't do it, complaining "I'd can't take care of DC2 all day long!" (which I told her she wouldn't have, since I'll also see my othger 2 kids during the day and also DC1, a teenager, is very mature and very capable of taking care of DC2, I just don't want them to be alone all day long and especially not during the night!). She also said, she doesn't want to do it, because she wants to be at her place.
So even though she would have had time, she wouldn't have helped out, because she just doesn't feel like it. She'd rather have a teeny baby be in the hospital without a parent, than helping me out for a few nights, even though she could.
I might add that the only responsibility she has at her place are a few plants! She lives in the same city a 20 minute tube ride away, on the same line! And she is still convinced she's an awesome aunt!

Now, if for those of you who managed to read all that: Am I the problem, or is it them?
I do admit that I might be a little too harsh on my youngest sister, who is a very busy woman, but I still maintain that if she'd had any interest, she'd show it by actually making an effort to spend more time with my kids.

So, AIBU to think the rest of my family is an antisocial bunch?

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Palaver1 · 14/08/2019 15:18

I think you might over think a lot of things.
You also have a lot of expectations.