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to think my family is shit?

(108 Posts)
ICantThinkOfABloodyUsername Wed 14-Aug-19 15:12:34

I created a new user for this ...
I have 3 sisters and 2 parents and have now reached the point where I don't want to have anything to do with either of them. In my family it's only me who has problems with others, so obviously I've often thought that I must be the problem. However, whenever I think about why I have problems with them, I am completely certain that I am in the right.
So I'd appreciate some input.

Now, the order in which they finally pissed me off:

Sister 3 (I'm #2): We haven't had contact for years, which actually was her choice, but I really don't mind. I think she's a condescending bitch. When we still had contact, she'd regularly insult me in different ways for no reason whatsoever. My mother kept protecting her, my sister was always the poor and innocent girl, everything ugly thing she said was funny. Like I'd say something like "Please pass the chips", to which she might answer "Go die" and my mother find it hilarious. Whereas if I'd say something like "Stop talking to me like that!" and my mother would jump to her defence, tellimg ME off for being mean to her etc.
One day I snapped, which resulted in her stopping all contact with me, because I'm so horrible.
My other 2 sisters to acknowledge that sister 3 is being horrible to me, but they are not actively supporting me against her. They have a good relationship with her, which is fine by me.

Mother: My relationship with her was always shifting - sometimes rather good, sometimes okay, sometimes bad, sometimes I haven't had contact with her for months. I only started to realise that something is wrong once I moved out and had some distance. And when I saw other teenagers and adults with their parents and how they are communicating with each other. The first thing I started to realise is that there is no loving relationship, no talking to each other about feelings or anything personal. And except for one single time when I was 20 and ended up in psychiatric ward for a night, after I've swallowed medicine and cut myself with a razor all over my body, I can't remember a single time she told me she loved me! And this one time the "but I love you" was brought forward as an accusation.
Since age 11 there were exactly 2 times I cried in front of my mother - one time at 11 I cried about some children in school making fun of me, the other time at age 19 after my first visit to the gyn (yes, that was late for a first visit, I know) who was pretty violent. Both times my mother reacted by laughing at me!
She also never says anything positive about me, unless someone else said something (like one of her friends), in which case she agrees with them, because that's just what she does. Outside of her family she shifts with the wind to appeale to people. I've also always been the black sheep of the family, getting blamed for everything (when sister #4, who is 8 years younger than I am, once apparently burned a part of her stomach on purpose, it was my fault, because I've been mean to her), which is probably one of the reasons sister #3 thinks I'm a doormat.
A few months ago I watched a video about narcissistic mothers and how they treat their daughters, and almost every single point applied to my mother.
There is much more my my mother, but this post is already long, so I'll stop here. The important thing is that last year I stopped all contact with her and decided it will be for good this time.

Father: He is a typical macho, thinking kids and housework is a woman's job, while a man earns the living. My mother agreed and since they both liked it that way, I guess it's fine. Anyway, that of course means, that I hardly have a realtionship with my father - neither of us 4 sisters does. I do see him occasionally - in the last 10 months I've seen him much more often that usual, because he practised driving with me. He also doesn't really have a connection with my children for this reason and never had. However, since he and my mother separated about 10 years ago, I respect him more, since he shows more respect towards me.
Anyway: Recently it was my DC2's (a toddler) birthday. 2 days before my father dropped by briefly to drop something off and I reminded him of the upcoming birthday. On the birthday itself I asked him if he's coming over for cake and my DC opening presents. I didn't invite him earlier, because there were circumstances which we had no control over and which basically dictated what and when we can do for DC2's birthday. My father was aware of these extraordinary circumstances.
So, my father's answer to the invite was no, because he didn't want to drive into town that day, since he was already there the past 2 days, as he had things to do. He lives right outside of the city we live in, it's a 30 minute drive for him to my place, he's retired and he didn't have plans for that day or time.
I am extremely pissed off about that and consider to add him to the list of family members who can go fuck themselves.

Sister #4: Another one who couldn't be bothered to show up at the birthday. She didn't know for a while if she's going to have time, because she works irregular hours. However, a day or 2 before she said she'll have to work until 3pm and can come after. So on the birthday we agreed that she comes after work, which means she'd be here at 3:45. During the afternoon she suddenly said she can only come at 5pm and only stay for 1 hour, because she'll be leaving for a business trip the next day (which she knew well in advance) and still has to pack. I told her in that case she shouldn't come at all, because first of all I was pissed (she could well have packed before?) and she is basically a stranger to my DC2, who is afraid of strangers. 1 hour would simple be not enough time for my DC to warm up to my sister AND then enjoy her company.
After that I told my sister she doesn't need to bother at all any more, since she apparently isn't interested in my DC2, otherwise she'd have made more time AND would have visited more often. She then complained that I could as well have visited her with my DC and why should only she visit us. I find this completely unreasonable, because at home there are all my DC's toys and a playground in front our door, whereas my sister is a single woman with an apartment that's obviously not equipped for toddlers. I'd spend my time there stopping my kid touching things.
Furthermore my sister never invited us to come visit her, while I asked her regularly when she'll come visit again.
The last time my DC2 and my sister have seen each other very briefly was 3 months prior to the birthday, when my DC1 (a teenager) and my sister participated in a run. The run took place in a lovely park and we stayed there afterwards, but my sister didn't want to join us (she knew we'd stay and that she's welcome to join us way before the run).
Now I am the bad one because I assume she's not interested in my child.

Sister #1: She's 2 years older than I am, we didn't have good relationship as children (at least when we were school aged) and were constantly fighting. Which, in retrospective, is probably due to my mother. Anyway, we got a long fine once we were grown ups. Sometimes better sometimes worse, but generelly fine.
Since a few years, however, I get increasingly annoyed with her. She decided that she might have Aspergers and get tested for it. Which generally is fine, of course. However I was and still amn convinced that she simply WANTED to have Aspergers, because she wants to be special or whatever. What really annoyes me is, that she started displaying personality traits associated with Aspergers, but only AFTER she got the idea. So I am convinced she does it on purpose, because it doesn't seem likely that she - just one example - suddenly doesn't understand sarcasm, if she had no problem with it before.
She also behaves increasingly antisocial. The hightlight, which now led to me not wanting anything to do with her anymore, occured early this month.
There was a chance that I'll have to go to hospital with DC3, a baby. Or rather the baby has to go to hospital. I asked her if she is in town during that time (she travels around a lot) and if she could spend a few nights at my place, in order for me to be able to stay at the hospital with my baby (I'm a single parent, with no father involved). She was very reluctant and basically said that she wouldn't do it, complaining "I'd can't take care of DC2 all day long!" (which I told her she wouldn't have, since I'll also see my othger 2 kids during the day and also DC1, a teenager, is very mature and very capable of taking care of DC2, I just don't want them to be alone all day long and especially not during the night!). She also said, she doesn't want to do it, because she wants to be at her place.
So even though she would have had time, she wouldn't have helped out, because she just doesn't feel like it. She'd rather have a teeny baby be in the hospital without a parent, than helping me out for a few nights, even though she could.
I might add that the only responsibility she has at her place are a few plants! She lives in the same city a 20 minute tube ride away, on the same line! And she is still convinced she's an awesome aunt!

Now, if for those of you who managed to read all that: Am I the problem, or is it them?
I do admit that I might be a little too harsh on my youngest sister, who is a very busy woman, but I still maintain that if she'd had any interest, she'd show it by actually making an effort to spend more time with my kids.

So, AIBU to think the rest of my family is an antisocial bunch?

Palaver1 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:18:24

I think you might over think a lot of things.
You also have a lot of expectations.

Love51 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:26:43

Mum and sister 3 don't seem worth your time. Dad and the other sisters don't seem to have done anything wrong as such, they just aren't as invested in your family as you want them to be. Especially as a single parent it is natural to want extended family to support your dc, and it is frustrating not to have this. But you can't force them to be how you want. Change your expectations to avoid being constantly disappointed.
I wouldn't invest in mum or sister 3. No need declare no contact, just don't invest time or effort in them generally.

LakieLady Wed 14-Aug-19 15:30:54

Your family clearly aren't the close, supportive family you'd like them to be, but that's who they are. Some families are like that, mine is and my DP's family are quite like that, too. People like DP and I, and possibly your family, find close-knit families who live in each other's pockets a bit tribal and intense and sort of oppressive.

Given that they are who they are, I think you need to lower your expectations of them, or you'll be perpetually disappointed. And I think YAB a little U to expect them to be as interested in your children as you are.

PinaC Wed 14-Aug-19 15:32:49

Oh OP I feel bad for you
I’m going through similar. My dm is narcissistic and a psychopath and her darling little favourite is my disgusting dsis who treats me like shit and ordered dm to do the same and the dormant she is she does it !

It’s been hard but not seeing them or speaking to them has made things much better just a shame the dc don’t have a relationship with them and that any subsequent grandchildren but it’s better this way than being bullied

You’re well rid of them just go NC

GreatOne Wed 14-Aug-19 15:36:59

Perhaps you'd all be happier without any burdens of expectation. Just accept it's not that kind of family set up and all move on.

AllyBamma Wed 14-Aug-19 15:40:06

Hmmm.. I think honestly it’s probably not black and white. I think your family has done some really shitty things to you but I would hazard a guess to say that you might have been guilty of that too?

It’s such a complex history and there sounds like there’s a lot of resentment on your side, and honestly I can’t blame you.

I also think we’re only getting one side of the story (naturally) and that from a completely objective point of view, you are the common denominator in each of these fallings out. But to be fair to you, it really does sound like you’ve taken the brunt of a lot of crap over the years which is resulting in you having quite a short fuse with them now.

So it’s really up to you. Do you feel better/calmer/happier without them in your life? If so then carry on, focus on your lovely family and do what makes you happy!

ICantThinkOfABloodyUsername Wed 14-Aug-19 15:47:52

Thanks for the answers so far!

Reading you comments I agree that I might have to high expectations regarding showing interest and visiting my children (my sisters have good contact with my DC1 though, since that's of course much easier). But is it really too much to ask to show up on a birthday? After all it's only once a year and my kids are the only ones in the family, so it's not like there is a birthday every month. Also the birthdays are, following family tradition, small and simple - blowing out candles, eating cake and opening presents with the family around, that's it. If there is a party, it's separate from the small family celebration.

And am I really expecting too much of sister1? Honestly, if someone asked me for that kind of help, I wouldn't even have to think about it. Regardless if it's a close or not-close family member or a friend. If I have the time and possibility to do so, it would be self-evident. I wouldn't dream of letting a baby sleep in the hospital alone, just because helping out currently doesn't suit me. For me this behaviour is the tip of arseholeness (yes, that's a word, I've decided!).

Atlasta Wed 14-Aug-19 15:50:31

Mum and Sister 3 sound horrible.
The others I'm not so sure. It sounds like you expect a lot from them and comments about 'only responsibility she has are a few plants' and about your dad being retired and implying he had nothing else to do but visit you are not showing you to be a very nice person. I think the Sister 1 comments also show you to be very judgemental and not very empathic.
Other people have lives regardless of how important you think their lives are. Maybe they don't really enjoy your company.

Horehound Wed 14-Aug-19 15:51:10

I think you've been unreasonable about your dad, sister 4 and sister 1.

Your mum and sister 3 can bigger off but
re. the others it seems like you think the whole world revolves around you and that they must resolve your problems.

AnnaSteen Wed 14-Aug-19 15:51:33

You sound like hard work. I don’t have any children yet and would be incredibly insulted if my sister niece and newphew wouldn’t come and visit me because I don’t have all their toys and a playground at my front door hmm . I would also think you were very rude to uninvite me to a birthday party i had been invited to because I wasn’t coming at a time that suits you... once I couldn’t go at the right time for my nephews birthday and my sister told me no problem call in whenever suits even if it’s only for an hour. It doesn’t matter what the reason was - she was still going to come and you said no... your father is teaching you to drive but apparently is also a bad person because he didn’t make the party with the short notice you gave him. Maybe he was tired or feeling unwell and didn’t want to drive there and back even if in your view it’s only an hour of driving. Children’s parties can also be hard work and very loud.

Horehound Wed 14-Aug-19 15:54:24

And you say the birthday is a small affair of blowing out candles. Having sister 1 round for 1 hour is perfectly fine and she shouldn't have to pack a fucking bag when you think she should.

AnnaSteen Wed 14-Aug-19 15:55:27

It’s also so rude to say about your sister that all she has to care about is a few plants. She obviously has a job, has to travel and seems to have some issues around being antisocial. Did you ever think about how it may be very difficult for her to stay away from home on the times she gets to be there and to upset her schedule.

Chescascurious Wed 14-Aug-19 16:01:39

Your mother and sister #3 sound nasty,but think you're being unreasonable about the others.

IAskTooManyQuestions Wed 14-Aug-19 16:02:58

You're way too much hard work.

Do you actually have any diagnosis? And except for one single time when I was 20 and ended up in psychiatric ward for a night because I think you should, you are exhibiting a lot of traits for a personality disorder. NPD

Cloudyyy Wed 14-Aug-19 16:06:46

You want to cut contact with your dad because he didn’t drop everything to drive 30 mins away to your house without notice?!

You also sound annoyed that your childless sister doesn’t have any children’s toys at her home? Why not take some with you?!

You think that your other childless sister should drop everything to move into your house and care for three of your children when you needed her help?!!!!

Extremely entitled!

TimeForNewStart Wed 14-Aug-19 16:11:07

With your mum and sister one it sounds like them, not you who’s the problem. With the others it sounds like you, not them.

VanGoghsDog Wed 14-Aug-19 16:12:48

My sister constantly reminds me that our mother never asked her how her kids had got on in their GCSEs, which were 14 and 12 years ago now - she tells me this almost every time I see her and it's a dig at me because I didn't either. I adore my niece and nephew but I don't have kids and I don't work in a school so I have no idea when GCSE are taken or results come out, plus I have my own life and I really don't recall my sister telling me in advance 'they will get their results on x day', so I'm guessing she never told our mother either.

Anyway - my sister, like you OP, has unrealistic expectations of how interested in her daily life the rest of the family should be and how much we should keep on top of events in her life, with little information coming from her.

I think you need to pull your head up a bit and be kind to your family, accept them for who they are and have them in your life regardless of their perceived shortcomings. Or not have them in your life at all. But stop creating unnecessary angst.

Don't be my sister. Call and TELL other family members how the kids did so they can congratulate/send a card/whatever!

angell84 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:15:00

They don't sound bad. I have heard FAR worse about other families

ICantThinkOfABloodyUsername Wed 14-Aug-19 16:16:51

I think your family has done some really shitty things to you but I would hazard a guess to say that you might have been guilty of that too?
I'm sure I've not always been nice myself, since I don't feel treated nicely by them.

But to be fair to you, it really does sound like you’ve taken the brunt of a lot of crap over the years which is resulting in you having quite a short fuse with them now.
Yes, I assume it's true that I get pissed off easier now, because I generally feel bad in this family and because I actually WANT a loving and caring family like I often see other people have. I get sad when I see parents and their teenage or adult children being lovely and respectful too each other, because I wanted to have that too. Or if I see aunts and uncles and grandparents being active in children's lifes.
But yeah, I guess I can't just change my family the way it pleases me.

So it’s really up to you. Do you feel better/calmer/happier without them in your life?

Good point, I'll think about that.

and comments about 'only responsibility she has are a few plants' and about your dad being retired and implying he had nothing else to do but visit you are not showing you to be a very nice person. I think the Sister 1 comments also show you to be very judgemental and not very empathic.

Does it sound like that? I made this comments to clarify that they didn't have any other commitments, not to imply that they should jump at my order. I'd understand if my sister would have pets to take care of or children of her own or anything that would make it hard for her to help me out, but she simply didn't want to.

I don’t have any children yet and would be incredibly insulted if my sister niece and newphew wouldn’t come and visit me because I don’t have all their toys and a playground at my front door

Like I said, she never invited me ... except once, and I did visit her then! She only said that when I complained about her not being interested.

your father is teaching you to drive but apparently is also a bad person because he didn’t make the party with the short notice you gave him. Maybe he was tired or feeling unwell and didn’t want to drive there and back even if in your view it’s only an hour of driving.

You're right, I'll reconsider that. He's not the youngest after all.

Having sister 1 round for 1 hour is perfectly fine

Well, no, actually it's not, since the birthday child would probably spend 45 minutes of this hour clinging to my leg due to a stranger invading our home.

It’s also so rude to say about your sister that all she has to care about is a few plants. She obviously has a job, has to travel and seems to have some issues around being antisocial. Did you ever think about how it may be very difficult for her to stay away from home on the times she gets to be there and to upset her schedule.

My sister4, who I agree I might not have done justice, is busy travelling for work.
That's not the case with sister1 - her travelling is for fun, she only works when it suits her when she really needs money. Which is fine, of course, she can live however she wants to and has the right to enjoy her life and her freedom.
Her refusal to help me out in that situation was purely "Naaaawwwww, I don't feel like it."

PettyContractor Wed 14-Aug-19 16:17:39

Sorry to pile on, but I sort of agree with most others.

I don't blame your dad for not wanting to go to a child's birthday party.

I don't think you have a right to be disappointed with sister 1. I wouldn't want to do childcare for someone else, especially a child I hardly knew, It would be nice if she'd helped, but you don't have a right to expect it.

Sister 4, my impression was you behaved a lot worse than she did regarding the birthday incident.

thecatinthetwat Wed 14-Aug-19 16:21:08

But is it really too much to ask to show up on a birthday?

I wouldn’t expect people to show up to my children’s birthdays. Well I don’t actually invite anyone tbh.

I expect them to visit around that time (within the month) with a gift, but they don’t always do that to be honest. We’re not close, in case that wasn’t obvious.

Horehound Wed 14-Aug-19 16:21:32

Well, no, actually it's not, since the birthday child would probably spend 45 minutes of this hour clinging to my leg due to a stranger invading our home.

hmm yep, its you.

Ivestoppedreadingthenews Wed 14-Aug-19 16:22:39

At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what the faceless internet says. If you feel that they don’t love and support you and that you can love and support them, then it’s probably wise to lower your expectations and go low contact. I can’t say “they are the most awful people on the planet” because I don’t know any of these people, but if that’s how they make you feel then take proactive steps to protect yourself emotionally.

user1497997754 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:23:27

Maybe just go low contact with all of them. Improve and enjoy your own family life you only get one. Don't worry about what they or other people think if they effect you in a negative way just remove them. Negativity is draining and that in itself causes over thinking and stress. You don't have to explain to anyone how you choose to live your life and you owe your family nothing but you do owe it to yourself to be happy and live your life as you choose

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