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To refuse to borrow money from my family?

(32 Posts)
Tafelberg Wed 14-Aug-19 14:34:08

A couple of weeks ago I made the decision to break up with my "D"P of nearly 2 years, as we had been arguing more and more often (mostly initiated by him, the most recent one having led to him telling me "fuck you" and "go fuck yourself") and I felt that I was too miserable to stay any longer.

Before this latest fight, we recently moved into a new rental property with both our names on the lease, which is for 12 months with no break clause - we did ask for one at 10 months but it didn't get put in for some reason and neither of us spotted it before signing the contract. When we were looking for a new place, we had been having some problems already, including arguments about what we could afford flat-wise. I earn a lot less than he does and we needed to get a two-bed as he has two young DC who come and stay with us every other weekend and for holidays etc. They had been staying in our bedroom on put-up beds in our previous flat which obviously wasn't sustainable for much longer as they're getting older. He eventually said that we would get a flat that he could afford to pay the rent on by himself, and that I could pay a contribution of what I used to pay in rent on a flat I lived in before we got together, the implication being that if we split up I could move out and he would be able to stay living there.

Anyway, shortly after moving into this new flat (which I know now I should never have done given we'd been arguing so much beforehand, lesson definitely learnt) we had this latest row and I decided I couldn't continue in the relationship any more. I have been living with my DB, his partner and their baby since then and my original plan was to try and find a houseshare somewhere near them.

However - my exDP is now adamant he cannot afford to pay the rent by himself. The agreement I thought we'd made about the rent was over WhatsApp but he's saying he didn't mean in it in the way I took it and that it was in relation to a different flat we'd looked at (it was, but in my view that's a moot point as the rent costs on our current flat are only a bit more). He initially said he couldn't do it at all, but has now said he will be able to take on the lease in December, meaning I have to continue paying rent until then.

I've considered every possible option, have spoken to our landlord who wants us to sort it out between ourselves which is fair enough, to friends, family and even a legal team through work. I've been advised that as it's a joint tenancy, if I left, the landlord could come after either or both of us for the rent. My exDP could and probably would take me to court for the owed rent even if it would end up costing him more in fees - he is angry and I think prepared to do anything just to make my life difficult. I can't stay with DB as he has a very young family and it's not fair on them. I can't afford to pay rent on two properties so don't seem to have any other option than to stay living in the guest/kid's room until December.

I explained this to my family and between them they have offered to lend/give me the money to cover the rent for the three months so I can afford to move somewhere else. They're worried about the consequences staying in the flat with him will have on my mental health and whether his anger could erupt again and potentially lead to violence, though it never has before.

I've thought and thought about this but just can't bring myself to accept it. I know I'm being proud and stubborn, but my DM in particular cannot afford to shell out hundreds of pounds over my own stupid mistakes and lack of judgement. I'm also in debt as it is and just really don't want to come out of this with even more debt hanging over me - owing it to a bank would be bad enough, to my lovely patient kind and understanding family would be even worse. I'd feel guilt and unhappiness over that for far longer than three months.

Sorry this is so long - I didn't want to drip feed. I don't really know why I'm asking about this as essentially my mind is made up. Just wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom on my situation or at the very least how to successfully grey-rock myself through the next three and a bit months sad

Stressedout10 Wed 14-Aug-19 14:38:53

Sorry no advice OP but flowers

Tafelberg Wed 14-Aug-19 14:58:01

Thanks @Stressedout10. I've got the feeling there isn't going to be a huge amount of suggestions on this one but just helps to write it down I guess

Asdfghjklll Wed 14-Aug-19 15:01:48

If you move back into flat in spare room where should his DC stay? Surely he dosnt want you to do this. If you can stand it it might be worth moving back for a bit and just ignoring him and do your own thing. Surely he would soon want rid of you?

Wonkybanana Wed 14-Aug-19 15:05:30

OP your family have offered the money because they can see the effect the relationship's had on you, and because they love and care for you they want to enable you to cut all ties. It's good that you're not taking your mum's money for granted, but you're her daughter and to her the most important thing is that you can move on and be happy.

Remind yourself of what you've written - lovely patient kind and understanding family - and stop beating yourself up about your mistake. That's what's holding you back from letting your kind, loving family do what they want to do. Say thank you, take the money, find another place on your own and then start living very frugally if getting rid of the debt is so important to you. It won't be nearly as miserable as being tied to your 'D'P.

Tafelberg Wed 14-Aug-19 15:06:37

@Asdfghjklll I've said I'll make arrangements to stay elsewhere when his DC are due to stay with him. He's said it's fine with him. I'm definitely planning on staying out of his way and hoping that he will end up agreeing to a shorter term but I honestly think he wants to make this as shitty and uncomfortable for me as possible

Summerunderway Wed 14-Aug-19 15:10:32

I hope you weren't expected to pay half the rent? A third at best imo.

Howyiz Wed 14-Aug-19 15:10:41

As Asdfghjklll has said, move into the spare room and ignore him. Make sure you have a lock on the door so you can lock your room.

Wonkybanana Wed 14-Aug-19 15:11:09

And PS. Think about your mother in this. Which do you think is better for her? To lend you the money (even if it takes a while to pay her back) or to spend the next three months worrying herself sick about your mental health and physical safety?

Howyiz Wed 14-Aug-19 15:12:06

Do not stay elsewhere when his children are there. Make it as uncomfortable as possible for him so that he will revert to the original agreement and allow you to move out.

Purpleartichoke Wed 14-Aug-19 15:14:13

If you move back in, that bedroom is yours. His kids stay in his room.

But really, do you think he will default on the rent? As long as someone pays, the landlord doesn’t care. Unless he is spiteful enough to ruin his renting history, he is going to pay. So then the question becomes, will he actually take you to court? Let’s say he does. Worst case scenario is you getting a judgement to pay him some
Money and a payment plan to do so. It’s not ideal, but moving back in with your ex is a monumentally bad idea. I would take the risk. Go find yourself a cheap place to live and put what you can into savings just in case.

NotStayingIn Wed 14-Aug-19 15:15:32

I've said I'll make arrangements to stay elsewhere when his DC are due to stay with him. He's said it's fine with him.

Yes I bet he said that’s fine with him! Sorry but why are you being so stupid? If you are coming back to rent one of the rooms, you aren’t moving out for his kids. That is supposed to be his problem. That is supposed to be the reason why he shouldn’t insist on you moving in.

fairislecable Wed 14-Aug-19 15:18:15

I think you are too considerate, he knows you don’t want to be there but insists on you paying your share of the rent. Which apparently he will be able to cover AFTER December.

He can share his room with HIS children when they visit.

Make a chart put it on your bedroom wall and visibly cross off the days.

Save every penny you can, there is a light at the end of the tunnel keep that in view.

TheFlis12345 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:18:25

Can one of you stay and rent the other room out? Would the landlord allow that?

Travis1 Wed 14-Aug-19 15:20:32

I'd move into the spare room but like hell would I vacate every 2 weeks for his kids. That's his responsibility. If you're paying for it then use it.

tolerable Wed 14-Aug-19 15:20:42

op.its always easier looking in from the outside...i get you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. dont be a martyr. if you go back,the very people who have offered you a bail out will be worried sick.that will be worse to live with than owing them money. give him one and a half months didnt ask him to be a prick.hes responsible for that and can sublet a five day week room to anyone.tell landlord thats what your doing..~(.-it leaves 6wks for him to sort out his money worries.??????)

Crybabyghoul Wed 14-Aug-19 15:21:37

Honestly, I really think you may have to just live in the spare room. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking the money either. Just make sure that he knows you're not going to put up with any fighting etc, and that you need your own space. If there has been no violence before then there's no reason to think there will be now.

You also need to think about how long it's going to be for, since legally you have to pay your share of the rent until the lease is up.

It's a horrible situation to be in - I know because I've been there! I do feel for you and its possible to get through this!

Crybabyghoul Wed 14-Aug-19 15:23:05

Also I totally agree - do NOT vacate the room for his children. You're paying for the flat so you have the right to your own room.

whattodowith Wed 14-Aug-19 15:23:11

I’m sorry but I do think you need to park your pride to one side and accept the money. Your life will be absolute hell for the next three months if you don’t, it just isn’t worth it.

NotStayingIn Wed 14-Aug-19 15:26:50

Sorry OP I just reread my reply and it sounds really harsh! I don’t actually think you’re stupid, sorry. Your ex is really putting you in a shitty situation. I like the suggestion earlier of a token contribution as a good will gesture. That might work?

Jayaywhynot Wed 14-Aug-19 15:35:57

Can you go stay with your mum if it's only until December? Then instead of borrowing the money ask her if you can not her pay rent but make a contribution to the household expenses? Sleep on sofa? Personally I wouldn't move back in the flat especially to move out again everytime his DC come. This is the road to heartache. However, if moving in with mum isn't an option and you were my family I would insist you borrow the money to make a clean break, I would tell EXDP that you cant afford to pay half, remind him of your previous agreement, and offer him a lower amount. Explain that is your final offer, the alternative being he takes you to court which will cost him more than you owe him. If hes got any sense he'll cut his losses and accept. If he does go ahead with court keep the messages which relate to you paying a lesser amount and the messages where you make the offer to settle

notsurenotsure48 Wed 14-Aug-19 16:00:45

I had this exact same issue a few years ago. I was on a tenancy with my DP of 3 years and had a really awful break up. I ended up staying in the second bedroom as he couldn't afford the rent, and I couldn't afford it to go to court.

It was awful. He would bring girls home, get drunk, play loud music and made my life living hell. I became a shadow of myself and have only in the last year (despite it being a few years ago and being with someone new) have got over it.

My advice to you would be to move into a shared house for 3 months- a cheap ish one. Pay his rent and pay your rent in the shared house, struggle for 3 paydays (it's crap, but the weeks go by quickly) and come December move into a nicer house share, and be done with the bstard.

Tafelberg Wed 14-Aug-19 16:04:57

Thanks all for your responses.

@Wonkybanana I know what you're saying. It makes me feel terrible to know that my mum will be worrying about me, you've basically said exactly what she's said to me herself and it breaks my heart. If it wasn't for the fact it would put her in such a poor financial situation, I would do it, but I just can't bring myself to. It will take me years to pay the money back. I've told her I'll call her every week - every day, if that would help - to let her know I'm ok and that if I start feeling like it's affecting my health or he gets even remotely violent, I will tell her and will leave.

@Summerunderway The total rent is £1700 per month, I pay £750.

@TheFlis12345 no - the contract specifies no subletting and my exP won't take in a lodger anyway as his kids will be staying some of the time.

@Jayaywhynot unfortunately not an option, Mum lives too far away and in a tiny flat with no space for someone other than the odd one-night stay.

Re what a lot of you are saying about not leaving every time the kids stay, I'm offering to do that for them rather than him. I have got to know them really well and think it'll be extremely upsetting and unsettling for them to have me around but not involved in their lives as I have been for the past year or so (they're only little - 3 and 5). I don't know what he's told them about our split but I feel like if I can help them start forgetting I even existed, that's for the best for them.

@NotStayingIn no worries (I have been stupid sad). I did offer to pay him for one extra month, which I would have borrowed off my family, but he flatly refused it.

@Crybabyghoul interested to hear you had a similar situation, how did you get through it? Any tips much appreciated. I like the idea of crossing the days off on a chart on the wall, will definitely be doing that. And locking the door.

In terms of our agreement I've emailed exP and the landlord setting out what we've agreed. As @Purpleartichoke says, the landlord doesn't care who pays as long as someone does, but I want to make sure the tenancy name change is documented properly with a new contract written up and signed by us both. To be fair though, if we get to December and for any reason my exP reneges on this, I'll be leaving as planned with no hint of conscience or worry about his reactions. I know what you're saying about possibly ending up with a judgement against me and know it's extremely unlikely, but I'm soon to move into a new job for which that kind of thing could be an issue (something my exP has kindly reminded me of) so I'm keen to avoid it coming to that by any means possible.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 14-Aug-19 16:18:12

so don't seem to have any other option than to stay living in the guest/kid's room until December
I'd do just that OP.
It's a tough one but you need to just ignore him.
Do your own thing.
Go out in the evenings with friends or to the gym or to a hobby.
Just go back to cook and sleep and get showered etc.....

MadeForThis Wed 14-Aug-19 16:26:11

Move into the spare room and treat him extras he treats you. If he is civil and considerate then act the same.

Your problem will be if he won't clean the flat, wash dishes etc. You may feel like a maid. Could get very ugly.

But if you have December in mind you can survive it.

Get him to sign something before you agree to stay.

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